Chapter 32

CHAPTER 32

“ W ell!” Lord Feverton said, “I’d have to say that was a resounding success, Lavinia. Wouldn’t you say so?”

Lavinia couldn’t bring herself to respond. She stared out the window of the carriage. In her opinion, everything was positively horrible.

It had taken more strength than she’d imagined she could possibly summon to tell Matthew that she didn’t want to marry the duke. For a moment, it had felt like something that might actually happen, and if she hadn’t known for certain that he didn’t want her, she would have been tempted to allow it to happen.

But she knew for sure now. That kiss had answered all her questions. He hadn’t kissed her like someone who didn’t realize he had feelings for her, who might still discover them.

He had kissed her like someone who knew for sure that he did care for her.

If he knew that for sure and still didn’t want to marry her—if he was able to say that a marriage to her was the last thing he wanted—that meant he had some other reason. It wasn’t because of his feelings for her. It wasn’t because of her at all. At least, she didn’t think it was.

She didn’t know what his reason might be. But she did know how much she had dreaded the thought of being forced into a marriage she didn’t want. She wouldn’t do that to the duke. She wouldn’t be responsible for his unhappiness.

Not even if the price was her own unhappiness.

“I don’t know what you’re looking so miserable about,” her father said to her. “This is the best news you could have hoped for, Lavinia. Soon enough, Lord Hennington will come to make his formal proposal, and then you’ll be engaged. And after that, it won’t be long until you’re married.

I confess I didn’t believe you would be able to manage it. I thought I was going to have to make your arrangements for you. But you were right to insist on ten more days! If only you could have put this much effort into your affairs during your first season last year—perhaps you would be a year married already.”

“I didn’t want to be married,” Lavinia said. “I hadn’t met anyone last year that I wanted to be married to. I’m glad you’re happy with the results of this party, Father, but they don’t change the fact that the one thing I really wanted was to find love.”

“You can’t complain, then,” her father said contentedly. “You’ve found it. So it’s time to embrace your future. To think that before long you’ll have left my house and gone to his.”

“Is that it? You’re so eager to be rid of me?”

“You’re my daughter, Lavinia. It’s not that I want to be rid of you, but of course I want you to live a life that’s best for you—how could I not want that.”

“You’ve never trusted me to know what’s best for me, though.”

“I can’t see what you’re complaining about,” her father said. “What’s the matter with Lord Hennington?”

Lavinia sighed. “Nothing is wrong with him,” she said. “He’s a perfectly decent gentleman, and I know he’ll make a good husband.” Just not the husband I would have wanted .

But she needed to put that from her mind. She had promised the duke that she would. It was the price of their last kiss.

“Well, the next time you’re instructed to do something, maybe this experience will have taught you that it’s best to simply act on those instructions rather than second-guessing and thinking that you know best,” her father said. “If nothing else, that will be a benefit to your husband when you’re married.”

“Father,” Edwina said quietly. “I don’t think it’s helpful to dwell on the past.”

“Edwina, you might be married yourself if your sister had acted more quickly,” their father said. “I’m glad this has sorted itself out, but you can hardly expect me to forget the fact that these mistakes were made. And besides, you have no business speaking to me that way.”

“I agree with Edwina,” Matthew spoke up. He hadn’t arrived at the party with him, but he had made the decision to join them for the ride home. “Lavinia has done everything asked of her, Father. She’s agreed to a marriage. You have what you wanted. Let her be.”

Lavinia looked at him. She hadn’t spoken to Matthew since the confrontation in the garden, and she’d had the idea that he was still angry with her for what had happened there. But to look at him now, he didn’t seem angry. He had sympathy in his eyes, and she wondered whether it was possible that he genuinely understood her plight and felt badly about it.

She had always half wondered that about Matthew, because she knew and trusted that he cared for her in a way that her father never had, and yet he always insisted that she would be happiest if she did what their father wanted. It was something Lavinia didn’t know quite how to explain.

For now, at least, she didn’t have to try to explain it. She sat back in her seat, gazed out at the fields, and tried not to think about the duke.

“We’ll have to plan the perfect outfit for your proposal, of course,” Lavinia’s father said. He seemed ready to move on, to accept that whatever was the matter was something they weren’t going to talk about any further. Lavinia was glad. She didn’t want to spend any more time talking about the duke. She wanted to pretend that she wasn’t undone by the amount of pain her time with him had left her feeling.

I fell in love , she thought. I got what I wanted, and it was terrible.

“We don’t know when the proposal is coming,” Edwina pointed out.

“We don’t, but the viscount will send us word when he means to come over to our house,” Lavinia’s father said. “And we’ll know, when we hear from him, that the day has come. On that day, Lavinia will wear her finest gown—well, we’ll all dress our best, of course. We don’t want the viscount to think twice about his offer because he sees us in shoddy clothes.”

“He won’t,” Lavinia murmured.

“What?” Her father looked at her.

“He won’t think twice,” Lavinia said. “I’m sure of him. He wants to marry me.” She couldn’t explain exactly how she felt so sure, but she did. It seemed highly unlikely to her that he would change his mind, even though a part of her was hoping he would. It was as good as written in the stars at this point.

Maybe it always had been. Maybe this had always been the outcome they were pointing toward—a marriage to Lord Hennington. All that time the duke had spent teaching her, preparing her—he had been preparing her for this.

What a waste.

None of his lessons, in the end, were what she needed. Nothing he had taught her would enable her to feel content in a marriage to Lord Hennington. And yet, it was the only outcome she could feel happy about. Marrying the duke would have been a tragedy, because she would have spent every day of her life surrounded by the knowledge that she wasn’t really what he wanted.

And perhaps she would never have known the reason why, for she believed he did love her. That kiss had left her without any doubt.

Maybe he simply found her too embarrassing. Maybe he still thought she was too odd to marry, in spite of all his training and all the reassurance he had given her that things weren’t that way any longer. Maybe he couldn’t risk his reputation by allowing himself to be seen with someone like her.

She didn’t want to believe that was true, but she didn’t know what to think. Not anymore.

“Well, I certainly hope you’re right,” her father said. “I would hate to think, after getting our hopes up like this, that we might lose the opportunity for this marriage to take place.”

“I’m sure Lavinia is right,” Matthew said.

That was a surprise to hear. What was going on with Matthew? Lavinia had been so certain that her brother’s anger with her would never abate, but it seemed that it had. Just as he had always been, he seemed to be on her side, and it felt like a cool drink of water in the middle of a desert. Everything else was so painful and so difficult right now, but if nothing else, she had Matthew by her side. Perhaps that was one thing she could always count on.

The carriage fell silent. Lavinia was relieved by the fact that her father apparently felt no need to go on talking about how wonderful her engagement was. She didn’t think she had the strength to pretend for him right now.

She would have to find that strength over the next few days, especially for the day of the proposal, when it inevitably came. But for tonight, at least, she could sneak away to her bedroom and let her true feelings out. She could allow herself to think about the duke and the fact that she would likely never see him again.

As they went inside, Matthew took her arm and pulled her to one side. She went with him. He knew too many of her secrets for her to worry about pretending in front of him.

“You’re so sure of Lord Hennington,” he said.

“I wasn’t trying to convince him that we’d be a good match,” Lavinia said quietly. “I had no intentions with him, Matthew. None at all. He asked me to have a picnic with him. I agreed. He asked me to dance with him and I agreed. But I wasn’t trying. Do you understand? I never meant for anything more than that to happen.”

“I’m not sure I do understand,” Matthew admitted. “What are you getting at?”

“I’m saying that I believe he’s in love with me precisely because I did nothing to earn it. It would be harder to believe if I could tell myself I had somehow hoodwinked him, but I know that I didn’t. He simply fell in love with me. I don’t know how or why, but I know that it’s real. And I know that he’s going to follow through with his proposal. Father doesn’t have anything to worry about, and neither do you.”

“I hear the sadness in your voice,” Matthew murmured. “In spite of what you said, you don’t really want to marry him. I know you don’t. I can tell.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Lavinia said. “You were right, Matthew, and so was Father.”

“I never thought I would hear you say that .”

“You’re hearing me say it. My dreams were too big. I should have been more realistic. I was wrong to hope that love would come for me, out of nowhere, and change everything. You’re right. That’s not the way it happens, and I should count myself lucky to be getting engaged to a gentleman who I know will be kind and caring.”

Matthew nodded slowly. “That’s the way I feel about it,” he said. “But that’s never been the way you’ve felt about it.”

“It’s how I feel now. Maybe I just needed time to accept the truth of the world.”

“Well, if that’s how it is, I’m not going to argue with you,” Matthew said. “But, Lavinia—I’m on your side, all right? I always have been. I want you to remember that. Even when I think you’re wrong, I’m here for you.”