Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

L avinia didn’t know why she hadn’t been able to bring herself to leave when the duke had told her to. It was clear that he no longer wanted her here. A big part of her wanted to run from the library, back to the safety of her bed.

He was right about one thing—she did think she could manage on her own. She would be able to face the challenge of dancing with gentlemen at the upcoming ball. She would likely be nervous, but she knew she wouldn’t humiliate herself.

She also knew that there was no gentleman at this party who would make her as nervous as the duke did. That was the training she truly received from being in his company. It had nothing to do with dance steps. She was learning how to conduct herself around someone who made her feel acutely aware of every move she made.

She wished she knew why he made her feel like that. It hadn’t been that way with Lord Hennington. She had been calm and happy during their outing together. And that had been very nice—it should have been an improvement—but much to her surprise, she had found herself a bit bored.

Being with the duke was preferable. Even though she couldn’t seem to relax her body, even though she worried that every word out of her mouth might be the wrong one, even though she feared constantly that he thought she was a fool—being with him made her feel alive in a way nobody else did.

She knew now that if the choice had been left to her, she would have spent all her time with him at this party. She would have stopped paying attention to anybody else altogether. If only her father’s threat hadn’t been hanging over her head, she would simply have enjoyed her time with the duke to the fullest.

But she had to find someone to marry. That was the one thing she couldn’t allow herself to forget. Time spent with the duke could only be justified as long as she could convince herself that she was learning skills that would make someone fall in love with her.

He took a deep breath. “All right,” he said, holding out his arms to her. “We’ll try it again. This time, see if you can bring yourself to relax. See if you can remember that you don’t want to let your anxiety get the better of you.”

She nodded. “I don’t,” she said. “I know I don’t.”

“You were at ease with Lord Hennington.”

“How do you know that?”

“You didn’t fidget when you sat with him.”

She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. “I didn’t know you had seen me,” she said. “When I told you I couldn’t remember whether I had fidgeted with him…you didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t ask me,” he said quietly.

“But you knew. You knew that I wanted to know. Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you put me at ease about it?”

“It seems to me that when it comes to Lord Hennington, you are already at ease,” the duke said. “Now you need to ask yourself why that is.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ask yourself why you’re nervous now, dancing with me.” They were hardly dancing at all, to be honest. They had stopped moving about the room and were rotating on the spot, moving so slowly and gradually that Lavinia felt sure the duke had all but forgotten what they were supposed to be doing.

She looked up at him, searching his dark eyes. Suddenly, it was difficult to catch her breath.

“I’m not nervous,” she managed.

“I know you are. You’ve already confessed that I make you feel nervous.” His hand skated slowly up the length of her arm to rest at the back of her neck.

He didn’t hold her tightly—she could have pulled away if she had wanted to—but she let him hold her like that, even though the touch felt so intimate that it made her shiver. “Besides, I can feel it here,” he whispered. “I can feel how tense you are. Relax. I’m not going to do anything to you.

“I didn’t think you were…”

“Relax,” he repeated. “Let out a breath.”

She forced herself to do as he had suggested. The simple act of exhaling made her aware of the tension in her body. He was right. She was more nervous than she had ever been. She had been lying, and he had seen right through her.

“Now,” he said quietly, “ask yourself why you’re so nervous.”

“Well, I…”

“And don’t say it’s because I’m intimidating,” he added. “I don’t think you’re intimidated by me, Lady Lavinia, not really. How many times have you spoken up to me? How many times have you told me that I’m rude?

“You may find me difficult to get along with—that I believe. And you may think that I lack good manners. You might even find me unpleasant. But I have been around people who are intimidated by me all my life, and you aren’t one of them. You’re bold and courageous. It’s one of the things I admire most about you.”

Lavinia’s heart beat faster. He admired her?

No, that wasn’t what he had said. He wasn’t saying that he admired her. He had mentioned a quality he admired about her, which wasn’t the same thing. She couldn’t let herself get carried away.

Not even standing like this, with his hand on the back of her neck, holding her as if she was something he cared about.

“You’re not intimidated by me,” he repeated. “So why are you nervous?”

“I’m…I’m nervous we’ll be discovered here together,” she said breathlessly. “I’m worried someone will find out what we’ve been doing, and that our reputations will be tarnished.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think so,” he said slowly. “I don’t think that’s something you’re worried about, because you wouldn’t have dragged me into a bush, Lady Lavinia, if you feared so much for your reputation that you were unwilling to be found with me in a library.

“If you were as frightened of being seen with me as you claim to be, you wouldn’t have come here in the first place. You’re aware of that risk, but you’re also courageous, and you always do the things you want to do even if you do feel there’s a risk.”

His hand moved to her cheek, and Lavinia felt her heart skip a beat. She felt as if she couldn’t draw breath. When had he gotten so near to her?

“So tell me the truth,” he whispered. “Tell me what makes you feel nervous around me.”

“I—I suppose it’s because you’re so close to me.” She wished she could stop looking directly into his eyes—it was hypnotic—but it felt impossible. Her body didn’t fully belong to her, and she couldn’t break away from the captivating power of his gaze.

“Now, that sounds like the truth,” he murmured. “Of course, Lord Hennington was close to you as well. And you were fine then. What was different?”

“Lord Hennington was…”

“Was what? Something was different, Lady Lavinia.”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do. You’re fidgeting again.” He took her hand in his and her head spun with the power of everything he was making her feel.

“You have to stop doing that. You might as well be writing your emotions on your face for the whole world to see. Something is making you extremely nervous right now, and I think it has to do with your feelings for Lord Hennington. You were going to tell me what he was like. Say it.”

“Dull.” She felt her cheeks grow hot. “He was dull.”

The duke nodded slowly. “I had a feeling you were going to say something like that.”

“That’s—it sounds unkind,” she said, ashamed of having said such a thing about a gentleman who had been nothing but warm and friendly to her. “It is unkind. I shouldn’t have said it. I don’t mean to be cruel to him. I only mean…”

“You mean that it didn’t excite you to be near him.”

She nodded. “That’s right.”

“You didn’t feel anything for him.”

“No.”

His eyes blazed, and Lavinia felt a shiver pass all the way through her. She was aware, suddenly, that her back was almost up against a wall. To leave, she would have to go around him.

She didn’t want to leave.

And then he bent to kiss her.

It would have been a lie to say that the kiss caught Lavinia by surprise. She had anticipated it from the moment she’d backed herself into the wall. She had invited it. She knew that, and she wasn’t sorry about it.

Now, rather than pull away, she reached up and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. The heat of it seemed to spread through her whole body, until she was no longer concerned with herself as a distinct being from him. All that mattered was the fact that they were together.

And then, as abruptly as it had begun, it ended.

He pulled away from her and stepped back, putting a space between the two of them. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he said, looking away. “Forgive me. That was a mistake.”

“There’s nothing to forgive…”

He wouldn’t look at her. “This was supposed to be practice, nothing more. I took it too far, and that’s my error. You should go. You’ve learned all that I can teach you.”

“Your Grace, you mustn’t blame yourself like this. I returned the kiss.”

“Then you made a mistake as well,” he said sharply. “We both got carried away—it’s that simple.”

Lavinia shook her head, but she couldn’t bring herself to go on arguing. She felt deeply embarrassed. Did he regret kissing her? It seemed as if he did.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I’ll just go.”

“I think that would be best,” he agreed. He hesitated, then added, “You did nothing wrong, Lady Lavinia. But as of now, my debt to you is paid. You’re ready to face what lies ahead for you, and I think any further involvement on my part will only harm both of us. From now on, I will keep my distance and allow you to find a match, as you have indicated you desire.”

Lavinia felt as if she should say something. She should tell him that, regardless of what she had said, this was not what she wanted. She didn’t want him to end things between them. She didn’t even want that kiss to have ended. She had never experienced anything quite like that, and she longed to step back into his arms and see what more there was.

But he was turning away from her. He was walking toward the door—and then, before she knew it, before she could summon her wits enough to call him back—he was gone.

She was alone in the library.

Her skin felt cold. She shivered, remembering the heat she’d felt when he had pulled her close. She rested her fingertips on her cheek where his hand had just been. Already, it was beginning to feel like something out of a dream.

She wondered if she would ever be able to bring herself to tell anyone what had happened. This might be too much to confess even to Edwina. Her sister might not know what to do with this information.

And if she were to marry, it was certain that her future husband could never know.

Maybe the duke was right.

Maybe it had been a mistake.

Lavinia’s eyes filled with tears at the thought.

If it had been a mistake, she knew one thing for certain—it was one that she didn’t regret for a moment.