Chapter Twenty-Four

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Five Days Later, The Duchess of Maxwell's Drawing Room

" Y ou cannot write me a letter like that and not expect me to show up at your doorstep," Clare Handleton said as she was ushered into Meredith's drawing room.

Meredith watched her friend with eyes wide. "What are you doing here, Clare? How did you manage to escape from your mother?"

Clare waved an unconcerned hand in the air. "Mother thinks I'm visiting Aunt Este in Devon, and until she writes Aunt Este and receives a reply to the contrary, she won't know any different."

Meredith gasped. "You lied to your mother?"

"It wasn't the first time," Clare said with a wink. "And I'm certain it won't be the last. I'm quite adept at it these days, actually." She settled onto the sofa next to Meredith. "Now, tell me everything ."

An hour later, after finishing off a pot of tea and an indecent number of scones with clotted cream, Meredith had imparted the entire tale to Clare, including the debacle at the Onyx Club and everything that had happened since. Everything . She spared no detail.

"You told him you were barren, and he still wants to marry you?" Clare said, nodding sagely.

"Yes." Meredith bit her lip. "Perhaps I shouldn't have told him. Only I admit now that I have, I do feel a little better… As if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

"Sharing secrets has a way of doing that," Clare replied with a sad smile. "I felt the same after I told you about my night with a certain nobleman who shall remain nameless."

"I never told anyone about that," Meredith hastily assured her.

Clare patted her hand again. "I know it wasn't you who spread the rumor." She sighed deeply. "But that is all long past. We are talking about you now. You and Griffin. And I have just one question for you."

Meredith bit the edge of her thumbnail. "Which is?"

"Do you love him?" Clare asked simply.

Meredith frowned. Her hand fell away from her mouth. "Pardon?"

"Do you love him?" Clare repeated, staring at her fixedly now.

Meredith dropped her gaze. She stared at her hands in her lap. "What does that matter?"

Clare shrugged. "Southbury was right. It matters quite a lot. And the fact that you're avoiding the question tells me all I need to know."

Meredith shifted in her seat and rubbed at her neck. "What do you mean? I'm barren. I cannot marry a duke ."

"I'll ask you one more time," Clare repeated, her brows raised over astute eyes. "Do you love him? "

Meredith lifted her chin and closed her eyes. "What if I do? He needs a wife who can give him heirs."

When Meredith opened her eyes again, Clare was staring at her with disbelief dripping from her countenance. "Listen to yourself, Meredith. You're saying you cannot marry him. You're not saying you don't want to."

"I can't marry him, Clare," she insisted. She'd made this decision already, and it was the correct one. So why did it feel like her heart was breaking all over again while explaining this to her friend?

"I'm not entirely certain about that," Clare replied. She sat up straight, knees together, and leaned forward, meeting Meredith's eyes. "Now. Because of some of the things you just told me, I must ask you something. Something that may be quite uncomfortable to answer, but I do think it's important."

Meredith nodded slowly, already dreading the question. "Go ahead."

"How do you know for certain that you're barren? It occurs to me that you spent many years apart from Maxwell. How many times did you lie with him?"

"Enough times to know I'm barren," Meredith quickly assured her. She had no desire to discuss the details. It was horrible enough without rehashing the past.

Clare moved even closer and covered Meredith's cold, shaking hands with both of her warm ones. She lowered her voice. "After Lord X and I spent the night together, I went the entire month praying for my courses. After the scandal broke, I was certain I would be further cursed by being with child."

"But you weren't with child," Meredith reminded her.

"No, I wasn't. But that didn't keep me from worrying about it for the better part of a fortnight. Mother refused to even speak to me, so I had to go to Aunt Este. Thankfully, she told me what I needed to know."

Meredith bit her lip. "I don't see what this has to do with?—"

"Meredith, you didn't grow up with a mother. Who told you how things work, how children are conceived?"

Meredith closed her eyes. Her cheeks warmed. "No one. I just?—"

"That's my point. It's possible that Lord Maxwell did not lie with you often enough to sire a child. It's also possible it was his failing, not yours."

Meredith shook her head. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you not having a child may not have been because you're barren."

"But Maxwell told me that was why. He said—" A sickening feeling began to spread through Meredith's limbs, making them numb.

Clare arched a brow. "If Maxwell was the only one telling you anything about it, no wonder you're ill-informed. Tell me. What exactly did he say?"

Meredith couldn't breathe. The words she managed came out in small bursts. "He told me…it was my fault…that he…" She glanced away, struggling to calm her breath.

"Your fault that what?" Suspicion glimmered in Clare's dark eyes.

Meredith swallowed. Clare was her close friend, but it was still humiliating to say these things. "That he couldn't…"

Clare nodded. "He didn't always— ahem —penetrate—did he?"

Meredith closed her eyes again. If one could die from humiliation, surely she'd have perished by now. "He would scream at me," she finally admitted. "Tell me it was my fault that he couldn't become… "

"Erect?" Clare supplied helpfully. Thank God for Clare, honestly.

Meredith nodded miserably.

"He used the word ‘excited.'"

Clare took a deep breath and nodded too. "Go on."

Meredith squeezed her friend's hands. "One night, after he yelled at me, he ordered me to leave. I went to his estate in the country. I never returned. I was happier after that, away from him. He never tried to mount me again."

"I'm sorry," Clare said. "I'm sorry that happened to you, Meredith. And I suppose my scandal has left me without a bit of modesty. But…if he was not inside of you?—"

Meredith gasped. "Oh, God. I thought Griffin and I made love three times, but the third time…the act was quite different . I assumed it was because I wanted Griffin and because he's a young, strong man."

"Listen to me, Meredith," Clare said, squeezing her hands tight again. "This is quite important. If Maxwell's manhood never hardened, if he was never inside of you, that means?—"

"That means I was still a virgin when Griffin and I…" Meredith breathed. The air whooshed from her lungs as her voice trailed off. Oh, God. Why hadn't she realized this before now?

Clare winced. "Forgive me for asking, but…did it hurt at all when you and Southbury…?"

Meredith searched her friend's face. "There was a pinch. It was over quickly. And then it was…wonderful." She smiled widely.

Clare nodded. "Was there any blood?"

There had been blood. Meredith had found a small amount of what looked like blood on her shift that night. She'd asked her maid to see to it. Martha had never said anything about it.

"Yes," Meredith whispered. "But not much. "

Clare pressed her lips together. "It isn't much. It happens when your maidenhead is breached."

Meredith pressed her fingertips to her mouth. "Oh, God. What sort of fool am I?"

"You're not a fool, Meredith. You're a woman who was never educated on these things. Neither was I. It's a travesty how ignorant our families allowed us to be. I would have told you myself, only I never imagined that you and Maxwell?—"

"It's not your fault, Clare. My father should have seen to it that I had a proper education. That I had a woman to help me before my wedding, to answer questions, to guide me. I was all alone."

Clare wrapped an arm around her in a hug. "And by the time your wedding took place, I'd already been banished to the country, so I was no help whatsoever."

The two women hugged for several moments before Meredith pulled a handkerchief out of her sleeve and dried her tears. "I've spent my entire life being lied to by men. First my father, then Maxwell. Neither of them ever loved me. They were just using me. I was angry with Griffin for abandoning me, but now I know why he did. He loved me. He's always loved me. Even when I pushed him away because of another man's lies." She clenched her fists. "The time I've wasted. It makes me so angry."

"Believe me," Clare replied, "I know all about anger…and wasted time. And I know that it's absolutely useless to spend too much time with regret. The only thing that truly matters is today. What do you want now ?"

Meredith slowly shook her head. "All these years…Griffin was right. Denying a thing doesn't make it untrue."

Clare gave her friend an encouraging smile. "You love Southbury, don't you?"

"Madly."

"Then you need to go find him and make it right."