Chapter Twenty-Three

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Even Later That Night, The Duchess of Maxwell's Bedchamber

T he sharp rapping on her bedchamber door startled Meredith from her troubled sleep. She sat up groggily and slowly lit the candle on the bedside table.

"Who is it?" she called.

The door flung open, and Griffin strode into the room with her butler close on his heels.

"I'm sorry, Your Grace. The duke would not take no for an answer," the flustered butler explained.

Meredith closed her eyes briefly. Griffin bursting into her bedchamber was untoward, but she should have expected it. Refusing all of his visits and messages was bound to result in a display like this. Very well. They might as well get it over with. "It's all right, Jones. You may leave us."

The butler lifted a brow but nodded and left, closing the door behind him.

Meredith smoothed her hands over the pink-flowered quilt and ensured her voice remained calm. "What are you doing here, Griffin? "

Griffin looked as if he hadn't slept in days. His cravat was loose, his hair was tousled, and his eyes were red-rimmed. He pushed a hand through his hair and began pacing in front of the bed.

Meredith watched him. He was angry. That much was clear. But what precisely had he come here to say? What else was there to say?

"Do you know how long I've waited, Meredith? To tell you I love you?" he began, still pacing.

"No." Her voice sounded small in the large room.

"Fourteen years. At least. I counted."

She nodded, her fingers clutching the quilt so tightly her knuckles went white. "So long?"

He continued to plow his fingers through his dark hair. "Fourteen years of adoring you. Wanting to tell you how I felt. And do you know what I told myself for those fourteen years? Even during the years that you were married?"

This was more painful than she'd expected. She gulped and forced herself to ask, "What?"

"I told myself I had to be patient. To find the right time, the right way, to tell you. To convince you that we would be happy together. That we could be more than just friends."

Tears began to roll down her cheeks. "Griffin, please. Don't?—"

"No. I've waited fourteen years and I'm tired of waiting, Meredith. I need to tell you that I've loved you desperately since I was a lad."

"Griffin, I?—"

"I must finish." He paced faster. "When I was younger, I didn't think anyone would ever want me when my own father didn't. But now, now I've finally realized that I never told you the truth because, deep down, I thought I was unworthy of your love."

"Griffin, please?— "

"I'm nearly done," he promised.

She nodded and clutched the quilt even tighter.

"Now I know that not only was I worthy of it, I always had your love, first as a friend?—"

"Always as a friend," she breathed.

He stopped and gazed at her longingly. "I'm sorry , Meredith. I'm sorry that I followed you to the club. But I swear I only did it to ensure your safety."

She swiped at her cheeks. "That's not why I was so angry, Griffin. You were right. I knew it was you at the club. After that first night at least. And you tried to tell me."

Griffin's mouth snapped closed. He obviously hadn't expected her to say that. "Then why are you so angry?"

Meredith closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She forced herself to let go of the quilt, wrapping her arms around her middle instead. "You really want to know?"

"Yes, damn it. I do," he barked.

Meredith lifted her chin. "I was angry because the night you asked me to marry you all those years ago, I needed you. Not to marry me, not to save me, but to reassure me, to tell me that everything would be all right. I needed you to tell me I'd still have you as my friend, that nothing else would change. Instead, you left, Griffin. You left me ."

His head bowed. His voice was ragged. "I'm sorry, Meredith. If I could go back in time and change it all, I?—"

"No." She shook her head and swallowed. "You were right. Father didn't love me. I never should have married Maxwell. You were right about all of it."

Griffin approached her bed and stood at the foot of it. "Damn it. I don't want to be right. I want you , Meredith. I've always wanted you. You know I love you. I think you love me too. I have to believe your awful marriage to Maxwell cannot be the only reason you refuse to marry again. You know I would treat you much better than he did. "

She nodded, dabbing at her cheeks with the sleeve of her night rail. "You're right. It's not the only reason."

"That's why I'm here." He grabbed the poster of the bed with one hand. "You're pushing me away because you don't want to feel anything. Don't you see that, Mere? Denying a thing doesn't make it untrue." He took a deep breath. "You can send me away again, but I need to know why . I need a reason, Meredith, and I need to hear it from you."

"Griffin, I—" Her voice broke on a sob. "I can't."

His face hardened. "You say you don't wish to marry. But I need to know…is that anyone, or specifically me ?"

Meredith tried to swallow past the enormous lump in her throat. She closed her eyes. She'd known this wouldn't be easy, but it was excruciating. "You need a wife and children, Griffin. We can still find someone for you. Someone who wants to marry…and have children."

His eyes narrowed on her, and he searched her face. "I don't understand. You don't want children? Is that it?"

She blinked away fresh tears. "No. No. That's not true," she whispered.

In two steps, he was at her side. He lowered himself to sit on the mattress beside her and grabbed her cold hands. "You could be with child right now, Meredith. My child ."

She closed her eyes again and tears leaked from beneath the lids. "No, that's not poss— I know I'm not."

His voice was a desperate plea. "Then what is it? I need to hear you say that you don't love me ."

Another sob caught in her throat. Her heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. "I can't say that, Griffin."

"Then why? Why won't you marry me? I deserve to know the truth."

Meredith closed her eyes. He was right. She had to tell him. She had to. "If I tell you why, you must promise to go. There will be no dispute. It is not up for debate. "

There were a few harrowing moments of silence before one word came out of his mouth. "Fine."

She opened her eyes and stared directly into his. She expelled her breath. "I'm barren, Griffin. That's why Maxwell and I never had children. And that's why I cannot marry you. I won't allow you to throw away the possibility of an heir, even for love."

His eyes were wide as he searched her face. He shook his head vehemently. "Meredith, I don't care. I?—"

"No!" she shouted. "This is why I didn't tell you before. I knew you would say that. And I will not be the reason the Southbury dukedom has no heir." She ripped her hands away from his. "I told you what you came here for. Now, if you truly love me, I need you to do something for me, Griffin."

"Anything," he whispered brokenly.

She pointed toward the door. "Go. Just go."