Chapter 28

Chapter

Twenty-Eight

K athryn

Kathryn stared into the vanity mirror in front of her, dissatisfied with the reflection that looked back at her. She tried to smile, in the vain hope it would improve that image, but it looked forced, her cheeks quivered, and it fell away again.

Sighing deeply, she reached for her jewelry box. She had sent away the lady's maid some time ago, wishing to prepare for the evening's ball to be held at her uncle and aunt's house alone, without any chatter. She searched for a decent pair of earrings, finding all of her earrings paled in comparison now to the pair she had borrowed from Arabella. She lifted a cushion to look beneath when she found a letter hidden away in her box. Stunned, she stared at it for a second, before she recognized the handwriting that bore her name on the white paper. It was Arabella's handwriting.

Kathryn lifted out the letter, straining to read it in the dying light of the evening that shone through the window. Her eyes shot down to the bottom of the letter, where she saw Arabella had signed it not with her Christian name, but as her secret self, Bona Dea.

Dearest Kathryn,

I suppose by now you have heard many lectures, both from your cousin in London and your mother here at home. I hope you know deep down that they only want the best for you. Clara has been clucking around you like a hen, unable to halt her wish to protect you from all of life's ills. The truth is that no one can protect us from everything. We must live our own lives, make our own mistakes, discover for ourselves what will make us happy. It is this reason why I write to you now.

I have had the privilege of watching you grow from a baby to a child, to the young woman you are now. With such growth comes lessons that are sometimes hard to hear – life is full of disappointment. There are bumps in the road, it may rain, and occasionally we are tipped out of our carriages, but this is not a reason to give up on life or to resign oneself to coping with misery forever more.

The sun comes up every morning, and we begin again. There's a difference between giving up and seizing the opportunities of growing up, dear Kathryn. This evening, you shall come to our ball and be the fine lady you are. It is a chance for a fresh start, a new beginning, but most of all, it's an opportunity for you to decide what is important to you in life.

Only by judging what can make us happy, and having the courage to go after it, can we truly find that happiness.

Hold onto this letter, Kathryn. I hope in time, you will find solace in these words.

Your dearest friend and aunt,

Bona Dea.

Kathryn felt teary-eyed as she looked at her aunt's letter. It was beautifully written, and more than ever did Kathryn feel as if she was being urged to be a new version of herself.

"Just as I said before." She folded up the letter and placed it down on her vanity table. "I shall be the new me. Someone that isn't so mischievous or cunning." She sighed deeply, thinking of some of Bona Dea's words when it came to growing up. "It is time to grow up."

She stood from the table and turned her back on it, no longer looking at her reflection. Hurriedly, she left the room and descended the stairs, joining her mother and father as they waited for her by the door. Kathryn barely said a word, and simply answered her parents when they spoke to her. On the carriage ride to her aunt and uncle's house, she felt them staring at her keenly.

"Are you sure all is well, Kathryn?" Clara asked as they descended the carriage on the Duke of Gordon's drive.

"Yes, of course." Kathryn nodded. "I am simply being the new me, Mother."

"The new you, doesn't have to be as quiet as a mouse," Clara urged.

"I think she does." Kathryn spoke with sudden insistence. "I cannot trust my tongue and conversation not to get me into scrapes, after all."

"I have always liked your conversation."

Kathryn looked at her mother in surprise. As much as she felt she had disappointed Clara over the last couple of days, every now and then her mother would say things like this, and Kathryn wouldn't feel like a complete disaster. Before they could say anymore, Horatio urged them forward, taking both of their arms and escorting them into the house.

Arabella and Daniel had decorated the house beautifully for the occasion. Great summer blooms of white and yellow roses trailed across the pillars of the ballroom. Tables full of crystal glasses were decked with daisy flowers on the stems, and the violinists that played from a platform in the corner were all dressed in white.

As Kathryn's eyes settled on the dancers, she smiled to see her cousin, Sebastian, dancing with his wife, Elizabeth. As always, the two were completely happy in one another's presence, laughing about something as they danced together. Kathryn's smile faltered when she felt a twinge of jealousy in her stomach. It was not something she had expected to feel.

Kathryn tried her best to stay out of trouble. She held herself still, remembering all the lessons Lady Georgiana had taught her. She even avoided drinking any wine, fearing it would make her natural clumsiness worse than before. When she nearly dropped a glass of lemonade instead, she hurried to put down the glass, fearing her clumsiness was not something she could escape completely.

Part way through the evening, Sebastian and Elizabeth hurried over, full of energy. They plagued Kathryn with questions, determined to know about her travels to London, yet she replied to them woodenly, with little information.

"Was it exciting to attend all those London parties? Oh, I bet so," Elizabeth said with a sudden giggle. "I bet they're rather different to our smaller and quainter affairs here."

"Do you doubt it?" Sebastian asked, laughing too as he poured out three glasses of wine. He passed one to Elizabeth, and another to Kathryn, though she hastily and discretely put it down on the table behind her. "I imagine Kathryn has seen a side of the world you and I have not seen. What do you say, Kathryn? Was it all so different?"

"Not that different." Her short answer made them exchange sharp looks.

"Is something wrong, Kathryn?" Sebastian wrapped his arm around her shoulders, in the way he had always done. "You do not seem your usual self."

Kathryn sighed with relief when she realized Arabella had not told him about her return in disgrace. It was somehow a comfort, to not have her closest friend in the world think ill of her.

Would he think ill of me?

Her hurried thoughts meant she didn't answer him.

"Kathryn? What is it?" he whispered again.

"Nothing. I am quite well. Just a little tired."

"Well, maybe we could all go for a ride tomorrow," Elizabeth suggested. "Let us go to Studland beach. You love that place. You can tell us all about your travels then."

The prospect of it made Kathryn nervous. How many times when riding on that beach had she fallen off in her clumsiness? More than once she had been caught by the waves and fallen over laughing at her own ridiculousness as the water seeped up her skirts. That was hardly the behavior of a proper lady who had to grow up.

She thought of Bona Dea's letter, of how she had to grow up.

"Maybe," she whispered. "Or perhaps you could come to mine for tea instead."

"Tea!?" Sebastian and Elizabeth spluttered together, exchanging more startled glances.

"Since when do you turn down a ride on Studland beach in favor of tea?" Sebastian asked, dumbstruck.

"Things change," Kathryn said with ease.

A gentleman across the room was looking at Kathryn. She recognized him at once as Mr. Richard O'Reilly. He was a local merchant, extremely successful, and she had once overheard him talking about her as if she was some errant entertainment on the stage.

‘Far too noisy and loud for a young lady. One wants someone a little quieter in a courtship.'

After overhearing these words at a ball once, Kathryn had been quite determined to avoid him, knowing they did not suit one another. It startled her all the more now that he stared at her across the room. Abruptly, he broke off from the group of gentlemen he was talking to and walked toward her.

"Do not look now," Sebastian whispered mischievously, "but a gentleman we'd all like to avoid is coming this way."

"Who? Oh, Mr. O'Reilly," Elizabeth laughed. "He is rather stiff and stuffy, is he not? Perhaps he means to ask you to dance, Kathryn."

"I doubt that. He has no liking for me."

"Knowing your luck, you'll trip on his feet in the dance," Sebastian laughed raucously. Kathryn looked sharply at her cousin, knowing how right he was. "I thought you would have laughed at that, Kathryn." He looked sharply at her, a perplexed look marring his brow. "You usually would. Good God, what is wrong?"

"Nothing." Kathryn lied. She was fortunately saved from having to say anymore as Mr. O'Reilly stopped in front of them and bowed.

"Good evening to you all," he said in his stiff manner, looking at them all in turn, though his eyes lingered on Kathryn a little more than the others.

"Good evening." Sebastian said, bowing, as the other two curtsied. He looked at Kathryn once more, clearly expecting her to say something, but she stayed quiet. "Are you dancing tonight, sir? I haven't often seen you dance at these events."

"I admit there's a temptation tonight." Mr. O'Reilly smiled and looked at Kathryn. "If your cousin, Miss Fitzroy, would do me the honor of being my partner?"

Sebastian looked ready to laugh, as if he expected Kathryn to turn him down. They had once talked for an hour straight about how Kathryn would rather dance and make a fool of herself with every other man at a ball other than Mr. O'Reilly.

"Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. I would be delighted." She forced a smile and gave the gentleman her hand, much to the surprise of Sebastian, whose chin dropped so far it might as well have struck the floor.

Mr. O'Reilly led her toward the dancers on the other side of the room.

"Forgive me for saying so, Miss Fitzroy, but there is something very different about you tonight." He continued to smile as they waited at the side of the dancers for the music to finish.

Yes, that is sadness.

Yet Kathryn couldn't help feeling she must be doing something right. Perhaps this new and rather dull quiet manner she was adopting was what she needed to do in order to be the fine and proper lady that would please her family.

"I have recently returned from London," she said quietly. "I learned a lot whilst I was there."

"I would be glad to hear of your travels some time." He continued to smile at her, but Kathryn was no longer looking at him.

Past his shoulder, someone had entered the ballroom, looking rather flustered with the shoulders of his frock coat damp and a sodden top hat in his hand. He looked frantically around, his eyes darting about, as if the ball was the last thing that he expected to find at all.

It's not possible. What is he doing here?

Doctor Beille's eyes found hers across the room.