CHAPTER 43

"HAVE YOU GONE MAD? I can't marry you now," she said as she scrambled from his lap and frantically attempted to rearrange her clothing.

"Why not?" It came out as a growl.

"It would cause a scandal."

"The scandal will pass."

She looked away, but he had seen the torment, the fear in her eyes. "Tell me what's really concerning you," he asked more gently.

Hannah chewed her lip. "Blackwell is making allegations. During the funeral, he threatened me with a lawsuit. He said he had proof of my affair. That he would have Samuel declared a bastard." Her voice broke on the last word. "Our marriage could cause the disinheritance of my child."

"That damned blackguard! How dare he threaten you at a moment like that? When I get my hands on him, he's going to regret it. I wish I'd thrown him out of the chapel."

"You couldn't have done that. For all that he is a despicable man, he is Harold's nephew."

"Hannah, he's bluffing. His threats of a lawsuit are worthless. Blackwell can say anything he wants, but Samuel was born within your marriage. The duke acknowledged him before he died and arranged for the entailment. There's no court in Britain that would overthrow his right to the title. You must know that."

"Be that as it may, our marriage, especially so soon after my husband's death, would validate his accusations. And even if the courts won't disinherit my child—"

"Our child!" he interrupted.

"Shush!" She looked around, panicked, then continued in an angry whisper. "You have no right to claim him. You agreed. And I won't have him growing up under a cloud of scandal and speculation."

"You think you are the only one concerned about our child's future and wellbeing? Yes, our child. I may not claim him in public, but I told you when it's just the two of us, I won't tolerate pretenses. And one day, when he's old enough to understand it, I'll tell him the truth."

"We cannot dishonor Harold's memory with a hasty wedding."

"I honored him. It's the reason I didn't touch you again while he was alive." He advanced on her until he backed her against the wall of the drawing room. "None of what we did was honorable. The duke wasn't concerned about that. He didn't give a fig about his memory. He only cared about an heir. But he also wanted our happiness. He asked me to marry you after he was gone."

"Gabriel, be reasonable. I'm not saying no. I'm saying not yet. Let's keep the proper period of mourning. Wait until the rumors dispel. Until the possibility of scandal doesn't hang above us."

"Is love bound by convenience, then? Bestowed only when it is deemed proper, when it is opportune? Nobody has ever loved me enough to break with convention, to risk scandal, to chance everything for me. I don't want to wait a whole year to be with you. I don't want to miss a year of my son's life."

"You could visit discreetly, as you have been doing," she rushed on.

He laughed harshly. "You want me to sneak in to see my child? To spend time with you in the shadows? Keep our relationship a dirty secret? I've been a dirty secret my whole life. Everyone who should have loved me rejected me out of hate, fear, or shame. I've never belonged to any family. I want my child to know me. To call me papa. I want you to call me husband and to be proud of it. I want you to love me more than you fear scandal. More than anything. Because, Duchess, that is how I love you."

"I..." She stopped, twisting her hands in her lap with agitation. But it was the lost look in her eyes that destroyed what was left of his hope.

She didn't love him enough.

Maybe she never would. He understood. It hurt like a knife ripping his heart open, but he understood. They had shared pleasure. Maybe she hoped they still would continue as secret lovers. After all, why would she change her life, her position, and her fortune for a lesser title and fortune? She was free now. She had her estate and her baby. What more did she need from him now? Nothing.

Except...they were not safe yet.

"I can't protect you and our son if I'm not here. What if Blackwell resorts to physical harm when his lawsuit doesn't stand? I should have killed him when he assaulted you! A lot can happen in a year. I couldn't live in peace knowing you two are here alone and vulnerable."

"I have an army of footmen and other employees to protect me if need be. I'm hardly ever alone. Sometimes finding a moment of privacy proves a challenge. I would say I don't need physical protection. The best protection you could offer us is protection against scandal and ruin."

Was she right? Was he motivated by his selfish desire rather than by what was best for them? Regardless of who was right, he recognized the implacable set of her chin. She was committed to this course of action. A tactical retreat was in order.

"At least let me hire some guards?" he asked, conceding this battle.

"Fine. As long as they are not underfoot. Although I really think it will be unnecessary."

He kissed her. With all his frustrated needs. With angry passion. She owned him. Body and soul. He lived for her, and for their son. He needed them, and she thought she didn't need him.

She stiffened at first, and then her hands clenched in his hair, and she pulled him closer. He tasted her desire. Her need. She could deny it all she wanted, but they belonged together, and he would never give her up. She bit his lip. Hard. And still he refused to let her go. He deepened the kiss.

She tore her mouth away. Breathing hard.

"Go away, please," she panted. "If we are discovered together, it would ruin everything."

"I will go, for now. But don't think I'll stay away. Not a chance in hell. Get used to the idea of having me around. With or without marriage."

With that, he turned and left. He couldn't endure another moment of her indecision. Another reminder of how unworthy he was of love.