4. Brent

CHAPTER 4

brENT

The last time I walked into a hospital was the day my younger brother died. We were two years apart, and losing him changed me forever. I might as well have died too, because that was the day I knew I was alone in the world until I found my brothers in the Navy.

No one knew this side of me. I worked hard to push it down and out of my head. Only after Nate died did I tell Daredevil, Phantom, and GQ I'd lost a sibling. I'd built walls around my heart to block out the pain from not only losing Matt but also from the pain of losing my parents. They were never the same after that.

As I walked down the hallway on the cardiac floor, I was assaulted by the familiar smell of the disinfectant and sounds of rubber wheels rolling on the floor as the nurses pushed their equipment carts in and out of rooms. The blips and alarms going off when a heart stopped made it almost too real for me.

I clenched my jaw and relied on my training to block it out and push it all down. Smothering the grief, I thwarted the memories and concentrated on the job I had to do. It wasn't about me. It was about getting to my mother and checking on my father.

When I reached his room, I knocked lightly, then pushed through the door. My heart was ready to leave my chest as I stepped in to find my mother bent over, rocking back and forth in the chair.

Panic surged through me when I looked over at the space with no bed where my father should have been lying.

"Mom?" I called, my voice breaking.

She looked up, her eyes swollen from crying, then broke down again.

"Brent," she cried, then covered her face with her hands.

I went over and pulled her to her feet to wrap her in my arms. She clung to me and cried into my shirt.

"I'm so glad you're here. I can't handle everything here alone."

Tears welled in my eyes. She'd never needed me before because she always had my father to rely on. "I'm here, Mom. I'm here."

She cried more before getting herself together. I kissed her hair and hugged her tightly, bracing myself for her answer. "Where's Dad?"

She pulled back and wiped her eyes. "He's gone down for testing. They think he might need bypass surgery."

I didn't know what to say, so I just held her, letting her know she wasn't alone. And when she'd settled, she continued talking.

"He's stable right now. But they have him on blood thinners until they figure out what's wrong. He could bleed out in the operating room."

What was I supposed to say? I wanted to be supportive, but I also couldn't offer false hope to set her up for a harder fall.

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Let's wait and see what the doctors say. Okay?"

She leaned away and fisted my shirt in her hands. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen, but she cut me deeper than any physical wound ever could.

"What am I going to do if he dies? I'll have lost everything. Him and your brother. I'll have nothing left. And I'll be alone."

She confirmed what I'd always known. I didn't matter. I was invisible to her. But before I offer any platitudes on how she'd never be alone as long as she had me, the door opened and he was wheeled back into the room.

Pushing out of my arms, she wiped her face before going to his bedside. She pasted on a smile as my father was brought back in, his monitor beeping and an IV drip attached to the bed.

"Mrs. Trainor," the nurse said, "the doctor will be in shortly to let you know the results, but for right now, we're keeping everything as is until we get a new order from him."

The nurse glanced over at me and gave a small smile. "And who might this be?"

Without looking at me, my mother answered. "This is Brent."

The hurt I tried to push down must have shown, or she was just experienced at reading people.

"Hello, Brent. I'm sure your father is happy you're here."

I watched as my father's eyes met mine. Smiling, I walked over to his bedside and reached for his hand.

"Hey, Dad. How are you feeling?"

His face inched up into a small smile. "Like I've had an elephant sit on my chest. But it's much better now. I'm glad you came. We're going to need you."

My heart swelled as I nodded like an eager kid. "Of course. I'm here for anything you need. I can stay with you at night so Mom can get some rest. GQ won't have a problem with me staying."

"You don't need to stay here, son," he said. "But what I really need is for you to look after the dog while I'm in here. Mom will stay with me. We're used to it being just the two of us."

I glanced over at the nurse, who gave me a pitying look as she charted his vitals. Embarrassment for being dismissed and shame that I ever thought I might be important to them filled me up.

"Your father's right. I'll be staying here with him until he's discharged. You can go to the house and make sure Winston gets fed and taken outside."

Hurt and rage fought for dominance inside of me. I put my hands on my hips and ground my teeth together to keep myself from saying something I'd regret. I tried to suppress it all as much as I could, but I couldn't stop it. "So you called me to come dog sit."

My mother looked at me as if she were confused. "Yes, son. I called you to come help. And that's what we need. You to take care of the dog while we're here."

Why had I bothered to answer her call? Things were no different from they were back then.

"So you don't need me here at the hospital, just at home," I clarified. I needed to hear her say it.

She huffed out a breath and skewered me with her gaze. "Yes, Brent. Why are you being so difficult?"

Taking in a deep breath, I pushed the pain down and nodded. "I'll take care of it."

I stepped back and leaned against the wall until the doctor came in. My parents talked to each other, but never acknowledged me. If I thought they really cared, I'd say they were mad at me for leaving Colorado. But I knew that wasn't the case. When my brother died, they had essentially buried me, too.

So when the doctor came in and confirmed my father wouldn't need surgery and could go home tomorrow, I slipped out the door.

I knew what I had to do. Heading down the hall to the elevator, I pushed the button harder than necessary as I waited. The entire walk to the car, I tried to figure out why I kept coming back for more hurt from them. Did they even realize what they'd done to me?

The drive to my childhood home gave me time to process some of the hurt. When I pulled into the driveway, I sat in the rental car and looked at the place I'd grown up. Until Matt had gotten sick, my life was ideal. But the three years he battled childhood cancer had not only taken his life but ours as a family, too. And we'd never recovered.

I got out and made my way to the front door. Locating the hidden key inside the hanging fake fern my mother swore no one would ever find, I unlocked the door and went inside.

"Winston!" I called.

The sound of his too-long nails on the hardwood floor made me smile as he came running toward me, whining when he heard my voice.

Squatting down, he all but jumped into my arms. "Hey, boy. How ya doing?" I rubbed him all over as he ran circles around me, not sure what to do with all his excitement.

After Matt died, a grief counselor suggested we get a dog to help us deal with the loss of my brother. But my parents didn't take that advice even though I'd begged for a dog until a few years ago when I left the service. For whatever reason, they'd managed to cut me even deeper than before.

After I'd fed Winston, I found some clippers and trimmed his nails. His coat needed to be brushed, so I went in search of something to adequately do the job on his golden coat. When I couldn't find his brush, I settled on my mothers. She'd never know if I removed the fur and washed it with her shampoo. He deserved to be taken care of by someone who loved him.

Once he was cleaned up, we'd gone out for a walk around the neighborhood. Not much had changed since the last time I'd stopped by.

When we returned home, I sat on the sofa in the quiet home and looked around. Winston placed his head in my lap as I looked at the walls covered with photos of Matt and a few of me. My senior football photo, one of me in my cap and gown, and the first formal picture of me when I graduated from Basic Training. If I took them down, I would disappear.

Allowing the tears to slip down my face, I ran my hand over Winston as I gave myself thirty minutes to grieve for my family. Then I opened my phone and booked a return flight to Portland for the next morning.

I was determined to go home and get on with my life.

So the next morning, I fed Winston and told him I wished he could come with me and promised to come back to see him.

When I boarded my flight, I had two and a half hours to push down the hurt and become the same person I was before I left. And by the time my plane landed, I was back to the best version of me I could muster, and the one my brothers knew.

I took a deep breath outside the door to the condo before walking in. Austin was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee. By the looks of him, he'd been out for a run and was just now getting his first cup.

"Hey. I'm surprised to see you back so soon. How's your dad?"

I sat down on the stool and nodded. "He's going home today. My mom has it under control."

He nodded slowly. "You didn't need to stay longer?"

I shook my head and practiced my lie. "Nope. He's going to be fine, and they knew I needed to get back to work."

Austin stared at me a minute longer, then gestured toward the coffeemaker. "You want one?"

I stood and stretched. "Nah. I'm going to grab a shower and probably take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night. Just gonna take the day and rest up, maybe hit the gym this afternoon."

"You gonna talk to John? He looked disappointed when you weren't here yesterday. Jesse put off the meeting until you returned." He kept his eyes on me as he sat his coffee cup down and crossed his arms.

"Eventually. Just not today." I needed to change the subject. "When do you leave?"

Austin sighed as the muscle in his jaw tensed. "Tomorrow morning. I wanna run before I get on a plane for eight hours."

I nodded. "Yeah, let's do it. I'll go with you. Need to get back into my routine."

"Okay. I'm heading to the office after I shower," he said, walking toward his bedroom with his coffee in hand.

"Hey," I called out, making him turn and look at me. "Don't tell them I'm back yet. I'll do it later."

Austin nodded. "Get some rest. Glad your dad's okay."

"Yeah, me too. See ya later."

I needed to shower the last twenty-four hours off my skin. Some sleep and getting back to my life were what I needed.

The next morning, Dare and I went out for our morning run. I put my earbuds in and cranked up my music as we ran through downtown Portland.

I could tell he had a lot on his mind, so I didn't try to hold a conversation. If he wanted to talk, he would. But between songs, I heard him say something.

"Huh?" I asked, removing my earbud. "I missed what you said."

He huffed out a breath. "Just scolding myself."

I elbowed him. "It's only a week. You can make it work."

He looked over at me with a raised brow, then slowed to a walk to cool down. "If you were going to spend a week with the Commander on a tropical beach, you'd be okay with that? You'd just get through it?"

I laughed and intentionally blew off the question. "Yeah, but I wouldn't have to worry about GQ. He has Dominick."

"That's not the Commander I'm referring to, and you know it."

I groaned and ran my hands through my hair to push it back off his face.

"Yeah, okay. It would be a struggle with him ." But what he didn't know was the struggle would be keeping my hands off of him.

"That's what I thought. Any more advice for me, Romeo?"

I made a lewd gesture of jerking off at him until he shoved me.

"Jerking it won't help."

"Well," I said, heading to the coffee shop we frequented. "The way I see it, you've got two choices. Grow up and hear him out or fuck the hell out of each other and get it out of your system."

Austin scoffed. "You could fuck the Commander for a week." He paused. "But wait," he said, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. "You've already done that."

I flipped him the bird as I laughed at him. He was so stubborn when it came to Greer.

"Fuck you very much, buddy. But okay. You do your scowling, angry thing bro because it's been working so well for you."

Dare followed me into the coffee shop as I sauntered up to my favorite barista. Caleb had flirted with me since the first time I'd come in here. He was cute, but a little too young for my tastes. Commander had ruined that for me, but Dare didn't need to know that. I had to live up to my reputation as a self-professed man whore.

"Hey, sexy. What can we get you this morning? The usual?" he asked, tilting his head to the side to get his dark hair out of his eyes.

I knew my flirting drove Austin crazy, so I let it fly.

"Hey, Caleb. That's exceptional customer service there. Memorizing my order for me."

"Thank you," he beamed. "I do my best to take care of my special customers."

He winked, making me grin from ear to ear.

Austin was edgy because he was leaving with Greer today. But he pulled out his wallet and slapped down a twenty.

"When you're done flirting, bring mine to the condo. I've got to go pack," he grumbled, heading for the door.

"It might be a while, Dare," I called, winking at Caleb. He knew I loved to get Dare stirred up.

"Hurry the fuck up. I don't have all day. I've got a plane to catch."

I grinned. "Remember what I said!"

Dare grunted as he walked out the door, making me laugh.

"You love getting under his skin, don't you?"

"Yeah," I said, watching as Dare texted on his phone as he walked. "But he doesn't really care what I do. He's just pissy because he's got to do something he doesn't want to do."

Caleb frowned as he made my iced coffee. "Then why is he doing it?"

I turned back to Caleb. "The man is his brother's best friend. And he's kinda in love with him."