13. Katerina

Ihad an epiphany a couple minutes ago as we danced.

Xander’s the only man I’ve ever allowed myself to love. And now that he’s back in my life, it’s become increasingly clear that those feelings never truly disappeared.

Every look, every touch, every smile, it all makes me feel too much. And I can’t be put in that position. Not again. I can’t feel like this, because the last time I did, it had disastrous consequences on everyone I loved. Which is why I need to stay away, keep some distance. Which is also why I just blurted that out.

He blinks at me, once, twice.

“Okay…” Xander says confused.

“He probably didn’t deserve it,” I continue.

The disco light dances across the mask covering his face.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t know,” I lie.

“Did you have a choice?”

I nod once. “I did but I still chose the option that ended with me putting a bullet in his head.”

Finally, finally, he flinches, eyes growing wide. The man I killed was young, I don’t even know his name.

Earlier today my father arrived at headquarters. Behind him, two men dragged another who was barely conscious. According to my father, the man has cheated him out of a lot of money while they had been gambling. A bad habit I hadn’t realized he had relapsed into. But that wasn’t the point.

The point was that my father wanted me to shoot the man. In front of everyone who had gathered to watch. All the capos who still didn’t completely believe I was worthy. I don’t think my father was trying to undermine me. But he had probably heard the same whispers I had. That I was weak. In his own sick, twisted way, he thought he was helping.

The man didn’t deserve death. Cheating at a couple of card games wasn’t a good enough reason to shoot him. But my father knew I would do it. He was trying to force my hand. So I did it. And after I pointed the gun at my father’s head and threatened to kill him too if he came to our headquarters again. There was a ripple in the room at that, shock from the men. My dad had been momentarily confused, then it turned to amusement.

He announced that his daughter had banned him, sounding so fucking proud about it. And then he just left. But the damage had been done. The blood of the man I killed seeping across the floor.

“What was the other option?” Xander asks after what feels like forever.

“What?”

“The other option if you hadn’t killed him,” he clarifies. “What would it have entailed?”

“I don’t know. I would have probably lost everything I worked for until this moment.”

“Then you had no choice,” he says finally, easily.

My eyes widen. At the simple understanding, at the way his eyes don’t seem to hold any judgement. The opposite actually. I’m about to ask why he doesn’t seem repulsed, when his head suddenly cocks to the side. The earpiece he’s wearing blinks red once and I watch as he listens to his brother.

“The distraction’s happening now,” Xander murmurs.

We both step off the dancefloor, moving a little closer to Colton and waiting to see what happens. A couple of seconds later, one of the waiters trips and there’s a loud crashing as all the contents on his tray are spilled on the floor. A woman shrieks as a shard of glass slices into her leg and starts to bleed and just like that, chaos begins.

“Your brother is certainly innovative,” I say slightly amused.

Xander huffs out a breath. “I guess this is as good as any other plan. Stay here,” he tells me, reaching into his jacket and stepping away. People are yelling and the air grows denser as the crowd tries to step forward and back to both catch a good look and escape the scene.

My eyes are fixed on Xander as he navigates them easily until he’s right by Colton’s side. His hands deftly reach into his jacket pocket where his phone is. It all happens in a matter of seconds. He attaches the device, removes it and makes his way back to me, eyes twinkling with satisfaction and mischief.

“That was surprisingly easy,” I say as the room begins to grow calmer.

“Don’t say that,” he cautions. “Whenever people say that bad things happen.”

I roll my eyes but can’t help a small laugh. His eyes are fixed on me, an expression I can’t discern on them, mostly due to the mask.

“Come on, princess. Let’s get out of here,” I tell her.

“Not yet. I need to have a conversation before I leave.”

He follows my line of sight towards Colton and nods once. “I’ll go find Graham. Meet us at the car?”

The older man starts walking towards the bar and I follow, slipping through the crowd carefully. When his brown eyes land on me, they widen and then his mouth stretches into a slimy smile.

“Miss. Mincetti. I’m sorry about that little display. I’m not sure what happened.”

“At least everyone is fine,” I say, setting my purse down on the bar.

“Yes,” he murmurs, eyes fixed on the swells of my breasts.

I wrinkle my nose in disgust, wondering exactly how to put him in his place.

“I must say, Katerina. You grew up into such a beautiful woman. I remember when you used to play around as a little kid. And now,” he says with flourish, shifting closer and placing a hand on my arm.

A shiver rolls through me. Very different from the ones Xander seems to be able to draw from me with barely any effort. I smile, amused and when I shift even closer to him, Colton’s smile widens into a grin. The grin dies a quick death when I deftly pull out a blade from its strap under my thigh. I place the point against his stomach.

“Careful, Mr. Colton. The next time you touch me without my permission, this knife will be buried inside of you. Do you understand?”

He gulps before nodding eagerly. I offer him a bright smile, withdrawing the knife and hiding it back inside the strap beneath my dress.

“We’ll be in touch. I have an excellent idea for a partnership between us.”

“I can’t wait to hear it,” he says, voice dull and eyes wary. After one last smile, I turn around, making my way out of the party.

I am so sick and tired of people underestimating me and walking all over me.

When I arrive at the car, I find Xander and his brother in some kind of stare down. Xander’s glaring and Graham looks equally as pissed.

“For fucks sake, if you want to know so bad then ask her!” Graham yells.

I arch an eyebrow as I move closer. Both of their gazes immediately shift upward towards me. I take them in for a moment. They look extremely alike, both brothers. Even their mannerisms are the same. But they’ve never really gotten along, not that I blame them for that. Especially considering Graham’s character.

“What’s going on?” I ask, trying to diffuse tension.

“He wants to know where we met five years ago,” Graham replies, pointing at his brother.

My breath seizes for a second at that. I look towards Xander, trying to think of something to say.

“This isn’t really the right place…” I begin to say.

He pulls out the keys, unlocking the car. “You’ll tell me on the way. Let’s go,” he says, tone bordering no argument.

I roll my eyes. He’s certainly become even more arrogant in the years past. Still I follow him inside, Graham climbing into the back seat. His expression has cleared and he looks amused again. He thrives on situations like this.

Meanwhile my heart is racing as I consider exactly how I’m going to tell him the truth. As soon as we’re away from the premises of the party, we all take off the masks. They come off and Xander’s glancing at me.

“I’m waiting, princess,” he prompts.

I inhale softly. “I saw Graham five years ago in D.C. At your home.”

His eyes swivel towards me for a second in surprise and he takes his eyes off the road. But only for a second before he’s looking back in concentration.

“Maybe I should drive. Not really interested in getting into an accident because your baby mama’s delivering shocking news,” Graham suggests from the back.

“Shut up, Gray,” Xander mutters.

I turn to glare at him for the name he referred to me as. Even though it’s true, I feel uncomfortable being relegated to just that.

“What were you doing in my house?” Xander questions.

My chest tightens as I reply. “I wanted to see Nate,” I whisper.

His face doesn’t ripple at that but I notice his hands tightening around the steering wheel. He doesn’t speak so I continue.

“I tried so hard to stay away from him but that day I just broke and decided to fly to D.C. I drove to your house without a plan. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just,” my breath hitches. “I wanted to see my son. I drove all the way towards the front of your gate and then I just couldn’t do it anymore. I parked at the side of the road, asking myself what I was even doing there in the first place. I was about to leave, but then a man came out of the house and walked to the side of the car. He said he was your father’s assistant and that your father had requested my presence inside the house.”

Xander’s jaw clenches. “You were in my home five years ago?”

“Yes, I followed the man in and he led me towards the back. I think he was trying to ensure no one saw me. He led me to your father’s office and then he left.”

“What did he say?”

My eyes fall shut as I remember the conversation. Richard Steele’s a pretty scary man. My father’s a former mob boss and yet I don’t feel nearly as intimidated as I felt that day in his presence.

“Well he was pretty angry. There were some threats, a lot of underhanded digs at my character. He promised to destroy my family if I ever showed up there again.”

I was younger then and honestly not in the right frame of mind. I was just missing Nate. I wanted nothing more than to hold my son. So I made a mistake. I should have thrown a knife at Richard’s smug face. I regret not doing that sometimes.

“How typical of our father,” Graham says and I can hear the smile in his voice.

Xander’s hands shake, his eyes growing darker with rage.

“He asked me to leave so I did. I didn’t really care about his threats, not really. But it was the right thing to do. It’s not like I would have actually been able to face you or Nate,” I say quietly. “Graham saw me as I was leaving the house.”

“Yeah, you should have seen her, Xan. She looked like a kicked puppy,” he says on a laugh.

My jaw clenches. I swear he acts like a little toddler. Xander still doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t speak the entire way to the hotel. I wait patiently, knowing it must be a lot to digest. When we arrive at my stop, he looks back at his brother.

“Wait here,” he orders Graham before getting out. I follow suit.

He stands in front of me at the entrance to the hotel, watching me for an uncomfortable amount of time.

“Why was it the right thing to do?” he finally asks.

“What?”

“You said it was the right thing to do. Not seeing your son. Why? If you missed him so much, why did you abandon him?”

“Xander,” I start to say gently.

“Just fucking tell me why, Katerina. I’m sick and tired of this shit. You want me to trust you. To believe in you, then you need to be honest. Something happened ten years ago. I’m not stupid, I know there must have been a reason. You left a baby on my fucking doorstep without any explanations, Katerina. I thought you were dead or dying. I thought something was seriously wrong.”

Something was wrong. But I can’t tell him. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Frustration lines Xander’s face. He looks away from me, running a hand through his hair.

“Do you remember our breakup?” he asks.

Of course I remember. That moment is practically ingrained in my mind. We’d been dating for a couple of months when he asked me to come home with him and spend thanksgiving with his family. My family isn’t too big on celebrating thanksgiving so I agreed like an idiot. For some reason, I never thought to look into the Steeles.

I had been deluding myself up until that moment, telling myself our relationship was nothing too serious. I was already in love with him but nobody’s better at lying to themselves than I am. I thought it wouldn’t matter and I didn’t want to invade his privacy. I already knew his family was rich, he told me a lot about them, more open than I ever was in the course of our relationship.

What I hadn’t been expecting however was that his family was a corporate group that specializes in technological advancements. They have an expanse of data open to them and an elite team of hackers. It only took Richard Steele two hours to find out my real identity. And then all hell broke loose. Literally.

I can still remember the look on Xander’s face when he realized I had lied to him. My last name wasn’t Petrov, at least not really. I was a Mincetti, daughter of a mafia Don. He had no idea how much the nickname, princess actually suited me until that moment.

“I was in shock after the truth came out,” Xander starts to say. “It was a lot to take in. Believe it or not, I didn’t care about who you really were. I cared more about the fact that you lied to me. Your family wasn’t a problem.”

I smile sadly. “It would have become a problem eventually.”

“So you took the coward’s way out,” he says eyes flashing. “After my father kicked you out, you called me and asked to meet up. I thought you wanted to explain. Instead you broke up with me, in the cruelest way possible. Do you remember what you said, Katerina?”

His eyes are hard and unflinching. I swallow softly, my hands curling into fists.

“Say it again,” he commands.

I shake my head.

“Say it.”

My eyes fall shut and I try to blink back tears.

“I told you it was all a game to me. That I never loved you, I was just bored.”

“You said our relationship meant nothing.” His voice is so icy cold as he speaks, reliving that moment.

God I made so many mistakes. I was just an idiot. If I could take anything back it wouldn’t be the moment I dropped Nate at his doorstep. It was that moment, when I got scared and broke up with him. Because it seemed easier. Because that moment was the catalyst for everything.

“You know the worst part? Despite hearing all that, I was still in love with you. Like a fucking idiot I thought we could make it work. And then you disappeared and I didn’t hear from you for months.”

My breathing’s a little shallow. Xander’s breathing heavily, he’s staring at me like he’s waiting for something, anything.

“You hesitated,” I finally say, my voice soft.

He cocks his head to the side in confusion. “What?”

“I heard your conversation with your father. The day the truth about me came out. He asked you to follow him and I was so worried, I followed you both, staying outside the door as he spoke to you. He asked you to choose. Between me and your family, your position in your family’s company. And you hesitated. I didn’t want to be the reason you lost everything,” I say softly.

I watch as his eyes grow wide, as he remembers.

“Did you hear what I said after?” he bites out.

I close my eyes and nod. “You said you choose them both and that you wouldn’t let him stop you from going after you wanted.”

“Exactly!” he snaps. “I chose you regardless of it all. I would have gone to you. I had just found out you lied to me for the entirety of our relationship and yet I wasn’t going to abandon you. But you did it to me. Why?”

“I’m a horrible person-”

“That’s not what I fucking want to hear,” he cuts in angrily. “Did you know? That you were pregnant when you broke up with me?”

I shake my head. “No, God no.”

If I had known then none of this would have happened. I would have stayed with him. The pregnancy would have given me a reason to stay.

“I didn’t find out I was pregnant until weeks later,” I tell him.

“Alright, fine,” he says exhaling softly. “But when you found out, why didn’t you come back?”

“I couldn’t,” I say, floundering for something better to say. “It was too late by then.”

“Why was it too late?” he asks.

I don’t reply.

“Dammit, Katerina!”

I flinch at his tone and he groans, looking away. My eyes well up with tears.

“I can’t say it. Please don’t make me say it. It doesn’t matter. Not right now. I just, I’m tired of hiding. I miss my son so badly that I can’t breathe sometimes. I can’t keep living with the knowledge that he’s still alive and I have no way of reaching him. I just want to see my son,” I say, a tear sliding down my cheek.

His eyes narrow onto it and lets out a deep sigh.

“I’m going to go now,” Xander says.

“Xander.”

“I need to think about all this. I’ll let you see him,” he says and I let out a breath of relief. “Not now but soon. I just need to figure out how to do this. What I want to do.”

“Okay,” I say nodding eagerly. “Thank you, Xander.”

He doesn’t say anything else. His eyes meet mine once more, alight with a heart stopping intensity. And then he’s walking towards his car.

I breathe in shakily, trying to calm myself. I’m about to walk into the hotel and change before calling Rico to come and pick me up.

I gather my dress in my hands and turn towards the entrance. But then someone practically melts out of the shadows and out of the dark. My heart falls to a stop as Rico appears, pushing off the wall. I nearly scream.

He stares at me, expression hard and eyes filled with fury. My heart starts working again, pounding against my chest.

“Rico,” I start unsurely.

“You have a son?” he asks.

And just like that, all the walls I’ve tried to build come crashing down.