Chapter 24

Kathleen

I'm screaming in Ira Mathison's bathroom. Literally. Screaming.

All right, so I'm muffling said screaming with a towel that I used to wipe off my face. I'm still finding the contents of the goddamn Avalon Neo XL on my fucking coat and in my bangs.

I can't believe she did that. I can't believe I sat there and took it.

Weren't we having a good time? I was into it. She was into it! I had submitted myself, knelt on my cranky knees, and put my mouth on something I've only ever used on other people, never myself. It was a work in progress! I was even going to trigger that thing while my mouth was still on it! I am not shy!

So why did she have to go and do that?

The look on her face when she did that… maybe on accident, in the heat of the moment, maybe not… that was the look of a Domme who didn't give a shit. Who thought I really was her possession.

Ira has been in this game longer than I have. She knows what it means to go there without another Domme's ordering it. I feel like… I feel like…

Well! I've been violated!

My screaming only stops because I run out of strength. I lower the towel, looking at my smeared makeup in the mirror, wondering what it is Ira sees when she glances at me. A woman to be tamed? A woman who needs to be taught a lesson?

I trusted her to go easy on me. And she called that going easy?

In my anger, I swipe the hand soap and a box of tissues off the sink. They clatter on the floor, making a mess. I don't care. I want her to know how displeased I am because she's clearly not listening to me.

Angry. Betrayed. Frustrated.

What was supposed to be a night of experimentation has turned into a nightmare.

Nobody gets to do this to me. They don't get to boss me around and do whatever the fuck they want to my mind, my body. Men do that everywhere else. Women let them. Why should anyone get to do that to me in the bedroom? I want my partner to grovel at my feet. To kiss my hand and call me Mistress.

I don't want what Ira Mathison offers right now.

Before I can go out there and give her a piece of my mind, however, there's one thing I must confront.

The fact that deep, deep down… in the pit of my stomach… my loins…

I'm turned on.

That's why I couldn't stop it. Why I didn't move, even though I had total and complete freedom while it happened. I could've moved. I could've said no… but I didn't.

Why? Because I'm turned on?

There are tears in my eyes, giving me another reason to pat the towel against my face. Not merely going down on her. Not merely the way she says "Katie" and gets my undies hot with that growling voice of hers when she's aroused. Not even merely the way she grabs my hips and gets me ready to fuck like it's going out of style.

It was the way she looked at me. Towering over me, her resolve weakening as she realized she was so hot for me that she was instinctively doing something she must have done with several submissive partners over the years. Why else do you have the goddamn Avalon Neo XL? That ain't a Lite!

The anticipation. What would she do… how would it feel…

I'm scared because I liked it. Because the reason I didn't move when I realized what was happening… was because I wanted it.

Don't ask me what took over my brain. When I was going down on her, all I thought about was how good it would feel when the tides were turned. How her thighs tensed up, grew hotter, and how happy I was to still somewhat be in my element. That was a legitimate turn-on. Even if I went too far and ended it with my mouth, I didn't care. Ira can go all night. Maybe she would reciprocate again with that masterful tongue of hers.

That isn't what happened. Instead, Ira pushed me off, stood above me, and made sure I knew I was hers.

Just thinking about it now… No. Please don't, body.

I sink to the floor, towel still wrapped around my face. My nipples are hard, my thighs are wet, and that uncontrollable part of my lust is begging to relive it.

I don't know who this is!

How long do I stay in here? I have no idea. I'm holding myself to the side of the claw foot bathtub, my tears done, but my body trembling with arousal.

Hey, Kathleen… I hear that foreign part of my subconscious. It's not so bad, darlin'. She knows what she's doing. She'll make you feel so good.

Don't listen to her, Kathleen. Remember who you are! A badass Domme who cracks a whip and knows how to edge a partner until they're pleading to come from your hand or mouth.

Give in, slut.

I get up and look at myself in the mirror. My makeup is still smudged, but I look like the woman who showed up a half hour ago.

Oh, how things change in half an hour.

To her credit, Ira hasn't bothered me since telling me to use the guest bathroom to clean up. She knows what she's done. She knows why I'm in here screaming to myself.

Which means I can't forgive her. I should leave. Without a word. Just grab my bag and leave, vowing to make her life hell.

Instead, I slowly open the bathroom door, peering through the crack and looking for Ira. My bag is on the couch. I go there, calculating whether I should take a cab or walk off my anger.

"Katie."

Her arms are around me, her mouth on my shoulder and her scent so overwhelming that for a moment I forget what she's done. Then she squeezes my breast, her other hand moving toward my groin. I don't want her to feel how turned on I am.

Too late.

"Stop." I put my hands on hers, and gradually, we stop rocking. "I need to go."

"Why?"

"You know why."

I don't say it with enough conviction. Somehow, she has worn me down to a wisp.

"Did I frighten you? I'm sorry."

"See? You do know."

"I had to put you in your place, Kathleen." Her hands roam up my body, stroking my nipple, massaging my neck. "You were looking at me like a Domme rewarding her sub. I am not your sub. You're the sub tonight. Besides…" She feels my thigh, noticing how hot it is. Damn her! "That first time was an accident, I assure you. This is different for me too, you know. You were scared, but you weren't scared of me. You were scared of liking it. That happens a lot. You're talking to someone more used to the inexperienced than you are."

She's chatting as if I don't know. I'm not a treasure to be coddled. I'm not a wide-eye sub finally finding out why she likes having her ass tapped. I'm a grown woman who has been in the BDSM scene for years. I just don't… do this…

I don't submit. It was stupid to have come here.

"I won't promise to go easier on you. That would defeat the purpose." Her grip on me relaxes, but I still don't feel at ease. If anything, I want her to hold me tighter. Go ahead. Squeeze me to death and put me out of this internal-turmoil-misery.

She doesn't.

"There's nothing wrong with the way you feel, Katie." Ira's voice is so gentle that I almost fall for it. "You're still a strong woman. It's strong women who know and understand what they want. You came to me. If you leave now, you'll never indulge in this side of yourself again. You'll be too scared to, with me, with anyone. It's natural to be unsure. Your boundaries are probably being pushed. Safety is my priority." Ira cups her hand beneath my chin and turns my head around, her lips nearly on mine. "I won't hurt you. I'm making love to you. I'm pleasuring you."

I suck on my lip, holding in what can only be described as a weak mewl. God, I'm pathetic. Especially for her.

"Nothing will be done to you that you don't want. I'm learning about you and what you like as a sub. If I don't think you're getting off on something, I'll stop unless you tell me otherwise. I want you to feel good, even if there's pain. But…" She steps back, turns me around, hands clamped on my arms as she makes me look at her. Ira's hazel eyes are wild. Rebellious. "You have to listen to me. If you don't, it could get bad for you. I need you to trust me. If you trust me with your mind and body, then I'll trust you to tell me when you need to stop."

These words sound good. Comforting. The little part inside of me that wants to keep going clings to Ira, and I realize it's not a Mistress that I'm afraid of…

It's her.

The submissive side of me. The side I've never indulged in because of fear.

I'll never have a better chance to get to know her than now. Ira is patient. She knows how to be safe. Furthermore, she knows what she's doing, and she's already familiar with my body and its sexual responses. I couldn't ask for a better chance.

Wait. I did. I did ask for this.

I kiss her, tentatively, letting my lips peck her until she wraps her arms back around me and pulls me in for a harder kiss. She's not pushing me. She's letting me take control for a moment. One blissful moment.

Can she sense it? The submissive in me coming out? My desire to feel her in such an intimate way… manifesting?

She tries to talk through our kisses, and I barely understand her. "You need a safe word."

I'm too busy kissing these lips to think of a safe word. "Pick one for me… Mistress."

Her hands caress my ass, my spine. "Pink. Like the color of these pretty lips."

I can remember that.

"Tonight, Katie." I'm wrapped in her embrace, my nose grazing her chin and inhaling that powerful, masculine cologne she wears even when she's alone. It's intoxicating. I want her. I want her inside me, devouring me, helping me to get to know a side of myself I've never met before. "You're going to be all mine tonight. I'll go easy, but it will still be hard on you because you're coming from a different world. Do you understand?"

"Yes… Mistress."

"Good. Now when we go in there," Ira gestures toward her bedroom, "I'm going to start Topping you again. I don't mean to scare you. I'm listening to you, to your body. I want you to feel nothing but pleasure, but you have to let yourself feel that pleasure. I can't do that for you."

"I understand."

"Come here." She kisses me once more, her arms lowering and then lifting me.

Lifting me into her hold.

I've never had anyone carry me before. Not even a half-carry like I experience when Ira leads me, weightless, toward her bedroom. I never thought she would be strong enough. I know she works out. I know she's stronger than she looks, but holy shit, she's actually half-carrying me to her room, my arms looped around her neck as I hold myself together.

Ira Mathison is carrying me into her room. To dominate me.

Give in, slut. I wish the inner me would shut up. I want to savor this moment as the woman I am.