21. Luna

I'm trapped in not-quite paradise, I don't know what to say

With a hot guy watching over me, in this sandy golden bay

I came filled with hope, now I'm lost and alone

But I never planned to spill the secrets I've just shown

Stuck on an island

Feeling like a fool

Ooh, ooh, ooh, what"s a girl to do?

Underneath the palm trees and the starry night so clear

I let my guard down, and I whispered in his ear

"How long does sex take," the truth slipped from my lips

Now awkwardness surrounds us in this castaway eclipse

Stuck on an island

Feeling like a fool

Ooh, ooh, ooh, what"s a girl to do?

I'm stranded on this island with a guy who's oh-so fine

But I wish I could rewind and erase that awkward line

Now the tension's thick as coconut cream; it's so hard to breathe

Oh, I'm just a fool on an island, and he's the tide I can't leave

Two days had passed. Two days of awkwardness where I avoided Ryder's gaze and focused on setting up the sponsorship scheme for the turtles. Avoiding Ryder wasn't easy, though. He was always there, watching and waiting. I considered asking Knox to swap with him, but then Knox would want to know why, and what was I meant to tell him? Of course, I could refuse to give an answer—I was known for being difficult, after all—but then Knox would ask Ryder, and my secrets would be revealed.

"That's not Gilbert; that's Penelope," Jubilee said.

Right. A green turtle versus a loggerhead—I knew the difference now. But I just couldn't think.

"I'll swap the pictures."

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because earlier in the week, you kept smiling at Ryder, and now we're on day three of you scowling all the time. Did something happen?"

Normally, Jubilee kept her head down and didn't ask questions, but maybe a taste of freedom was making her braver too? I'd never told her that Julius raped me. We were both so young when it happened, and she didn't need that burden. No, I'd only told Mom, and look how that had turned out.

"I'm just sick of being stuck here, that's all."

"Are you sure? When you ducked out of breakfast the moment he showed up, I thought you were avoiding him."

"What? No, that's totally not true." I steeled myself inwardly and smiled. "Ryder, can you help me to make coffee?"

He seemed slightly surprised—and I couldn't blame him for that—but he nodded. "Sure."

Last night on the beach, he'd sat on the steps while I walked in the sea. Only with the water up to my ankles, but at least I'd managed it on my own. On the way back to the bunkhouse, I'd heard giggling from the trees. Knox and Caro. The two of them were hooking up every night now, and although Knox looked rougher around the edges, he was functioning surprisingly well without sleep. Whenever I went without sleep, I got a lecture about eyebags from Mom.

Although she was the one with the eyebags this week. She'd called Jubilee yesterday, begging her to find a new lawyer and get the jail sentence cancelled. The food was slop, apparently, and they never turned the lights off. Secretly, I was hoping she did something really obnoxious and got another thirty days.

Now Ryder followed me out of the pool room to the kitchen, staying a respectful distance behind.

"You okay?"

"Why do people keep asking me that today?"

"Because you look stressed."

"Oh, and why do you think that is?"

"Being a virgin is no big deal, moon. In fact, I was relieved to hear it because some of the things you said before… I thought a man might have… Never mind. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I'm not embarrassed, I…" I didn't know where to start, or if I even should. "Why are you being nice to me?"

"It's my?—"

"Don't tell me it's your job. We both know that's not the reason."

In my head, I said "bullshit," but I never swore out loud. Not since I was seven, when I'd told a friend my stupid shoes looked shitty backstage at a pageant, and Mom hauled me into the bathroom and washed my filthy mouth out with soap. Pageant queens didn't use that kind of language, she said.

Ryder stepped closer and kicked the door shut with a heel. Usually, I felt sick being trapped in a room with a man, but I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not like the others.

"I've had bodyguards before," I said when he didn't speak. "A lot of bodyguards. They're mostly civil to my face and rude behind my back. They don't sit on the beach with me and help me to walk in the water."

He gave the heaviest sigh, as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and he couldn't bear the burden anymore.

"You remind me of a woman I once cared for a great deal."

"Cared for? You don't anymore?"

"She passed away when I was a teenager."

Oh.

"I…I'm so sorry."

"She could be bitchy as hell, but she came from a family where showing vulnerability was considered a sign of weakness." Ryder closed his emerald eyes to hide the pain. "Crying was a sin. So she used her temper as a defence mechanism to hide how much she was hurting inside, the same way you do. Get past the prickles, and she was the sweetest girl you'd ever meet. And you're sweet too, moon. Don't think I don't see it."

Today, it was me who hugged him. I clung to Ryder as I tried to fight back tears and failed miserably. He saw me? He saw the real me and not the caricature I'd become?

"I've only had sex once," I whispered into his chest. "It wasn't voluntary."

His arms tightened around me, and we just clung to each other. He was a sponge, soaking up my misery and giving me comfort in return.

"Tell me he went to jail, moon. Tell me he paid for what he did."

"I still have to work with him."

All the curse words that lived in my head spilled from Ryder's lips. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"He's a big shot in the music industry, and Mom said I shouldn't let one mistake ruin my life."

Ryder went all weird. Like, he was vibrating. I looked up to study his face and froze at his expression. I'd seen anger before, but this was pure, unmitigated fury.

"You told your mom, and she didn't go to the police?"

"Housekeeping already washed the sheets, and she said it would be my word against his. The thought of a trial terrified me. I was only sixteen, Ryder. What choice did I have? But she makes sure I'm never alone in a room with him anymore, and he's banned from coming to my concerts."

"That's fucked up, moon."

"Welcome to my world. So, anyhow, that's why I don't have a boyfriend. We should make the coffee."

"You're not the first person I've known who changes the subject when she wants to avoid difficult discussions."

"I don't know how to talk about this—feelings and stuff. Usually, I just tell people to get lost, and they do."

"What kind of support network do you have?"

"Support network?"

"Friends, family, people you can confide in. Not your mom, clearly. What about your half-sister? Do you get along with her?"

"Cordelia? Ugh. Bringing the family into disrepute, blah, blah, blah." The only time she called me was to complain. "Apart from Jubilee, I don't have anyone, and Jubilee goes along with whatever Mom says."

"If you want to talk, I'll always listen, but you should have somebody else back home."

"What if I hired you as my bodyguard full-time?"

Yes, that was a perfect idea. Ryder would protect me, listen to me, understand me. A strange warmth flooded through my veins. Not happiness, more…relief. But it was short-lived.

"Wouldn't fly with the boss. I'm qualified to be a bodyguard—overqualified—but I'm only working this job because the executive protection team is short-staffed. Too many new contracts, not enough good candidates."

"Then I could hire you privately? I'd double your salary and?—"

Ryder was already shaking his head. "I'm offence, not defence. And I'll be straight with you—if a bodyguard has a personal relationship with the principal, even a close friendship, it's hard for them to do the job effectively. I'd be too busy worrying about your emotional well-being when I should be focusing on the physical."

"Then I could hire you as my therapist."

I framed it as a joke, even though I was half-serious.

Ryder chuckled. "I can help you find a good therapist if you want. Plus we have this month, and I'll give you my personal number when the contract finishes. You can call me any time. If I don't answer, I'm probably dodging bullets."

"Don't say that."

"It doesn't happen often. Let's make the coffee, moon, and the next time we hit an awkward point in the conversation, don't run."

"I won't."

"Promise me."

"I promise. Will you teach me to float tonight? Is Knox getting any sleep at all?"

"Yes, and some. The two of them must have passed out in his bed last night because things went quiet, and Caro didn't slope off back to the other bunkhouse until six."

"You sat outside for the entire night waiting for her to leave?"

"No, I fell asleep in the hammock and got bitten to fuck by bugs."

"If it happens again, just come to our bunkhouse. There are spare beds."

"Without wanting to be crude, it's the girls' bunkhouse, and I have a dick."

"Jubilee won't mind. We've shared a hotel suite with Kory before. Someone told the paparazzi, and they wrote a whole bunch of disgusting stuff, but there aren't any staff here to sell out."

"Maybe."

"I still can't believe Knox and Caro are screwing each other. Okay, so she hasn't tried to strangle me for the past couple of days, but she's still mean."

"Her story isn't mine to tell, but you're not the only woman wearing a mask around here."

What was he saying? Had she been attacked by a man too? Been engineered into a career she hated? Did her mom micro-manage her until she wanted to scream?

"I don't understand."

And how had she ended up working at the turtle sanctuary?

"Caro has demons. Let's leave it at that."