Chapter 30
Iyla
I GRABBED THE GLASS NECK of the bottle and took another deep swig. It burned on the way down, but I welcomed it. I welcomed the pain. I welcomed the fog of the alcohol.
My feet dangled off the wooden pier that stretched out into the dark waters behind Zagan’s home. I’d lost my shoes somewhere on my quest to get through the house and out here, and I kicked my now bare feet back and forth, watching the two limbs peek out from the hem of my gold dress with each pass.
Selfish.
I was selfish, and it was killing my sister.
I squeezed my puffy eyes shut and took another drink.
Footsteps approached behind me, and I stared blankly beside me as Zagan sat down. He’d discarded his tux jacket, now in only his black slacks and button-up. He dropped his legs off the pier and rested his forearms on the tops of his thighs to look at me with a furrowed brow.
“Have you drank all of that?” he asked, nodding toward the bottle of bourbon.
I looked at the glass bottle and nodded, my heavy head bouncing with the motion. Giggling, I said, “I’m glad I found this. I came home, and wow! There it was on the counter. So I took it to drink, because I’m selfish. That’s me! Selfish Iyla, coming through!”
I took another swig and hung my head to stare into the water. My murky reflection stared back up at me, flickering with the water’s movement and glinting moonlight overhead. “I’ve neglected what I’ve been taught. I’ve taken for granted all that Mom has done for me and given me. I’ve put my own agenda and life before Gemma’s, making her feel bad about her own situation.”
“Do you hear yourself?” Zagan demanded. “Do you know how far from the truth that bullshit is? You aren’t selfish. Everything you’ve done your whole fucking life has been for other people.”
I sniffled and tilted my chin high into the air. “I know.”
Zagan drew back slightly and stared at me in confusion. “You know?”
“I realized on my drive here how wrong Mom was. Gemma doesn’t see us that way, and I’m literally trying to save her, not kill her.”
“Then why are you—”
“Because,” I growled, turning my tear-filled eyes on him. “Because I’ve always been the version Mom wanted, yet she still sees me as selfish? As a daughter that’s lost to her?” I threw my head back in a humorless laugh.
“I think that’s enough bourbon for one night,” Zagan said carefully. He tried to grab the bottle, but I snatched it away and rose unsteadily to my feet.
“It’s idiotic,” I screamed, watching him get to his feet in front of me. “I’ve given my all for her. I’ve loved her through all the heartbreak and hurt, yet I make one decision for myself and am thrown away?” I clutched my forehead and shook it. “Everything was fine before. She and I were fine. She loved me.”
The hurt morphed into anger as I glared up at him, fresh, angry tears falling. “Why? Why did I do it? Why did I go to that stupid concert and accept those dumb VIP passes? I was a good daughter. I tried my best for her.”
“Iyla …”
He tried reaching out to me, but I shoved at his chest with as much strength as a drunk human could muster. He didn’t even move an inch as I beat my empty fist against his chest. “I gave up every wish I’ve ever had for her, yet the one night I decide to do something I want, to be selfish for one goddamn night in my life, I wind up getting stuck with a fucking demon who ruins everything !”
Zagan’s eyes widened. Even in my intoxicated state, there was no missing the hurt that flickered in his gaze the moment the words left my lips. Yet the buzz of the bourbon kept me from caring. The buzz made the clenching of his jaw and his looking away from me mean nothing. Because that was all that was left inside me.
Nothing.
“You’re drunk,” Zagan said flatly, his head still turned away. “I think we should talk about all of this tomorrow.”
My eyes didn’t follow him as he headed back toward the house. I stared at the wooden pier beneath my feet, numb to it all.
Numb to my mom’s lack of love.
Numb to Zagan’s hurt.
Numb to my pain.
A chill swept over my bare arms, and I was reminded that I came out to the water in nothing but my sleeveless dress. My insides were warm with the booze, but the sting of the November cold was enough to make me want to take my drinking pity party inside.
I turned on my wobbly legs, and the world spun with me. The deck edge went out from under me, and my arms wheeled as I fought to grapple with something. There was nothing.
I tumbled back into the dark, frigid waters. My cloudy mind panicked at the sudden cold waters dragging me under, and the immediate shock knocked some sense back into me. I fought to reach the surface as my throat closed up, but it felt like the surface wasn’t getting any closer. My throat burned with the need for air, but no matter how hard I kicked my legs and clawed my hands, the surface remained far away.
Terror seized me as pinpricks of pain and the need to breathe grew to a near-bursting height. I fought harder, yet I still found myself submerged in the dark depths. My mouth pressed together as the fire in my chest reached its breaking point.
This was it.
I was going to die.
Hands suddenly grabbed my upper arms and yanked me in the opposite way I’d been frantically swimming.
The moment my head broke the surface, I sucked in huge gulps of air and choked as tears streamed down my cheeks. I was slung over a broad shoulder, and the warm body at my torso carried me away from the water until we reached the grassy backyard.
Zagan set me back on my feet and grabbed my upper arms tightly as his wild eyes searched my soaking wet body. “Are you okay?”
Shivers shook my entire frame. I’d almost died. The shock kept my wide eyes locked on him, his own dark hair clinging to his forehead as rivulets of water ran down his face and body. “F-Fine.”
He released me then, and his blue eyes swirled dark. I blinked, and in that short second, the human Zagan had given way to the demon. His clawed hands snatched the bottle of bourbon from my hand, which I hadn’t realized I’d held through that entire ordeal. He chucked it at the house, smashing the drink in a spray of liquor and glass.
“You’re cut off!” He turned his fuming black-and-red slitted eyes on me as he raked his hands through his wet, dark hair. “What the fuck were you thinking? You could’ve died! Do you understand that? I get you’re—”
“You saved me,” I said, breathlessly. My heart continued to race, but it was no longer from the adrenaline of nearly drowning. “I could’ve died.”
He sneered at me, exposing his fang-like canines. “I know. I just fucking said that.”
I stared at him. The cold air hit my wet body and clothes, but the feeling couldn’t be further from my mind. “It—It would’ve been an accident.”
He placed his hands on his hips like he was fighting to not rip me apart where I stood. His nostrils flared as he snapped, “Glad to know it wasn’t on fucking purpose.”
“Zagan,” I said softly, taking a step forward. My throat tightened all over again, and the bourbon left me as quickly as it had hindered me. “Why would you save me? It would’ve been an accident . You—You would’ve been free.”
I saw it the moment he realized what I was getting at. His shoulders stiffened, and he seemed to stall out. No breathing. No blinking. He just stared at me. Slowly, he turned his head away, staring off at nothing. “Forget it, Iyla.”
My brows slammed down, and I took another step in his direction, my wet dress clinging to my legs. “No. I won’t forget it. Why did you save me? Why—”
“Shut up!” He roared, shoving both hands into his hair to grip his head like he was trying to silence it and me. His chest rose and fell sharply with heavy breaths, and he paced a few feet away.
“Zag—”
“Goddammit,” he growled, his slitted eyes finding mine as his hands dropped to his sides. He rushed forward in a blur of darkness, and his clawed hands gripped the sides of my face as his lips crashed into mine. A warm flutter broke out inside me as he kissed me hard, almost desperate in the sweep of his lips and tongue.
A groan sounded in the back of his throat as I fisted the front of his wet shirt, just as hungry for him as he seemed to be for me. His body pressed into mine, forcing me back, and a dizzying rush hit me. I opened my eyes just in time to see a plume of black shadows erupt around us. When it cleared, we no longer stood in the yard but in my bedroom.
“Fucking crazy,” Zagan growled as he nipped at my lip with his fangs then swept his tongue against my own.
“What is?” I asked breathlessly. My heart raced, and my entire body burned like a glowing ember.
His palms coasted over my shoulders, down my arms, and onto my torso where he grabbed the dress and yanked it over my head. All I had on beneath it was a nude thong, so as soon as the cool air met my hot flesh, my skin pebbled and my nipples hardened. I squirmed, feeling wet heat coat my core.
“What’s crazy?” I questioned again, watching his slitted eyes drink in my mostly naked body.
“Everything, Sparrow,” he whispered as he leaned down to suck on my neck and bite at my throat. “Everything about us is fucking crazy.”
He shoved me so that I fell onto the bed, landing on my back. He smirked as he crooked a clawed finger under the side of my panties so that he held them off my body. The nude material darkened and grayed until it fell apart into ash. My eyes widened.
He hooked his arms around my thighs and hoisted my bottom half up so that I practically hung upside down with only the tops of my shoulders and head remaining on the bed. His warm breath hit my wet, pulsing pussy before his mouth closed over my clit.
My legs trembled where they rested on his shoulders, and I gasped as sweet pleasure shot down my spine, rushing through me like the blood rushing to my head. Dizzying waves hit me one after the other while his tongue circled and flicked along my clit. His forearms were wrapped around my waist to hold me up, and I gripped them tightly, trying to hold onto something since I was upside down and the world was becoming increasingly fuzzier. The blood racing to my head had it feeling heavy and full, and the darts of pleasure choking me didn’t help.
“Zagan,” I gasped, my attention zeroing in on where the tip of his tongue circled my bundle of nerves then moved lower.
My fingernails dug into his forearms as his tongue plunged into my hole, and my eyes rolled back at the sheer pleasure that ricocheted through my limbs with the curling of his tongue. Just as something blinding and fierce built between my legs, he pulled out from my entrance and trailed his attention back up the seam of my lips to flick my clit. The sudden brush to the burning spot made my entire body shake in his arms, yet he continued to hold me without struggle.
“I love having my face buried in your sweet pussy,” Zagan purred, letting his lips and tongue coast over my clit as he did.
His warm breath and feather-light friction against my aching core sent a fresh wave of dizziness and hunger soaring through my body. My hips bucked all on their own, desperate to have him keep going.
“Zagan,” I pleaded breathlessly. My grip tightened on his arms, and I futilely tried to raise my head to alleviate some of the pressure settling in my head.
Zagan wasn’t as keen to help me. He chuckled, low and dark. “Does my sparrow want to cum?”
“Yes! Please!” I answered.
I needed relief—from the fiery pulsing between my legs and from the heaviness in my skull.
His tongue swirled around my entrance then dragged at an agonizingly slow pace up toward my bundle of nerves, but he didn’t touch it when he reached it. He teased the area all around it, drawing out more squirms and furious pants from me. He chuckled against my skin, amused with my frustrated desperation.
“Do you think you deserve to cum?” he questioned, flicking my clit once with the faintest brush of his tongue. “Do you think your stupid behavior outside warrants a reward?”
My brain wasn’t functioning with my current position, but I had enough clarity left to hone in on his words. I’d definitely been over-the-top outside, but more than that, I realized with a heavy weight of remorse what I’d said to him in my drunken haze. I remembered the hurt so clearly clouding his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, sagging against his body, no longer straining to hold myself up.
He made a sound of acknowledgment and sucked my clit into his mouth. My lips fell open, and my body tightened again as a rush of fiery bliss shot through me.
“Lucky for you,” Zagan murmured against my skin, “I can’t resist the taste of your pleasure.”
His expert tongue devoured my parted folds with quick, hard flicks and sucks so that my body couldn’t stop quaking in his hold. Within no time at all, he brought me to that edge and pushed me right off it so that my back arched against his torso and my scream tore through the room. I was still trying to catch my breath and let the blood settle back in my body when he laid me flat on the bed once more. He watched me catch my breath and shift to sit on my knees while unbuttoning his shirt to discard.
I stared at him as the air came back to me, and I licked my dry lips before saying, “I didn’t mean it.”
He pulled his shirt off and got to work unfastening his pants, though his eyes never left mine. “Didn’t mean what? Drinking yourself stupid? Falling into dark waters while impaired?”
I looked away as shame turned my cheeks hot. “Well, all of that.”
I met his eyes again right as he finished ridding himself of his wet clothes. He knelt on the mattress in front of me and pulled me onto his lap so that I straddled his hard cock.
“I wasn’t referring to that, though,” I went on just as the tip of his dick pushed inside me. I sucked my lip between my teeth, and my eyes fluttered at the sweet stretch.
His heavy gaze held mine as firmly as his hands held my hips to guide me further onto his shaft. “What were you referring to then?”
“What I said out there,” I answered in a breathy rush. “I didn’t mean any of it. I don’t—I don’t regret meeting you.” I swallowed hard and noticed he’d paused the guidance of his dick inside me. “I’m glad I wound up stuck with you.”
The admission was close to a confession, and the honesty in my words had my heart racing. Was admitting that I wanted to be with him like admitting something even deeper than that? I wasn’t sure, and while the prospect of declaring these turbulent feelings inside of me frightened me to no end, I couldn’t deny their truth. I couldn’t deny that … I was glad for what happened between Zagan and I.
He searched my face before he shrugged and looked away. “Odd thing to be thankful for. I am a demon, remember? Most people wouldn’t be thankful to have us as company. I don’t blame you for wishing things were different.”
I placed my hand on his jaw and turned his head back toward mine. “You are so much more than just a demon, Zagan. I don’t give a damn what you are. I’m grateful to have you in my life. I’m so sorry I said otherwise. If I could go back to that night when we got bound and change things, I wouldn’t. I’d make the same decision to end up right here with you.”
We stared at each other for a long time, both of us seeming to hold our breath with my words hanging between us. Again, I wasn’t sure what I was truly confessing, but it felt right saying them. If I knew then what I knew now, I’d still choose the same thing—because I’d choose Zagan.
Zagan’s arms wrapped around me, and he leaned me back so that I laid out on the comforter with him nestled between my legs, his dick still firmly inside me. My hand never left his cheek, and our eyes never wavered.
“Why?” he finally asked. His voice came out strained, and his eyes were searching.
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. The answer seemed so simple, like it was obvious and staring us both in the face, but the words to explain it were stuck on my tongue, refusing to come out.
“Why did you save me?” I whispered.
He opened his mouth like he was going to answer, but like me, the words wouldn’t seem to come. Regardless, a sort of understanding seemed to grow in the small space between our naked bodies. One that grew stronger as I brought my other hand up to cup his jaw with both hands. One that pulsed as his eyes softened while looking down at me. One that became all-consuming as he kissed me, not with a fierce hunger but with something slower and sweeter.
His lips claimed mine with a sensual and slow caress as he gently thrust inside me. We’d never had sex like this. Slow. Tender. Yet I almost liked this more than the harder and wilder sex. This felt real . It made what was happening between us—the physical and emotional—feel real.
ZAGAN SLEPT SOUNDLY AS I crept out of the room, tying my black silk robe around my otherwise naked body. I expected to feel the aftermath of my drinking the night before, but all I felt was revived. I moved quietly down the hall and stairs to make my way to the ballroom. Morning sunlight filled the vast space, streaming onto the black piano like a sign from the heavens. I stopped only a moment to swallow down the last of my fears before slowly approaching the piano bench.
Last night had been a wake-up call, one that I’d needed to finally break free the rest of the way. I’d made major strides in claiming ownership of my life, but I’d yet to take the biggest and most difficult step—sitting down to play the piano. Mom’s hold had remained steadfast over that one thing, but after how she’d tried to hurt me with her spiteful words last night, only for Zagan to pull me up from the dark, that hold had finally cracked. When Zagan came to me and reminded me that I’d made the right decision, it crumbled the rest of the way. I’d chosen the correct path, and I refused to let my old demon hold me back.
Instead, I’d embrace my new one.
I stared down at the black-and-white keys and drank in the silence. All was still in the room. All was quiet. With a deep breath, I rested my fingers on the cold ivory-and-ebony keys, closed my eyes, and let memory take hold.
The first slow notes of “Nuvole Bianche” broke the silence. My fingers shook like they’d been waiting for this moment as long as I had. The first few measures came out rushed from lack of practice and out of eagerness to finally be playing again. I quickly found my rhythm, though, my fingers gliding and the music soaring into the air and through the room with the swelling passion I’d been silently harboring all this time.
Moisture gathered in my shut eyes, but I hardly noticed as the piece poured out of me like a desperate, burning scream that had been building up in my lungs for years. It finally burst out of me, only instead of a roar tumbling from my lips, it came in the form of my bent fingers plucking the piano keys. Never had an outpouring of emotion felt this powerful or this freeing. Never had I felt more at home.
The piece slowed into its gentle ending, and even when silence descended over the room, I didn’t take my fingers off the keys or open my eyes. My lips trembled, and tears streamed down my cheeks.
Arms circled me just as cedar and spice filled my nose. Sucking in a sharp breath, I turned on the stool and wrapped my arms around Zagan, crying into the crook of his neck. I held onto him like a woman who was falling into darkness with only him holding her up.
“That was beautiful,” he whispered against my hair.
I choked on tears and squeezed him harder. “I’ve missed it so much. How could I have done that? How could I have sacrificed a part of myself for so long?”
“You did what you thought you had to.” He pulled back to look at me, and he cupped my cheeks, wiping the tears that rolled down them. “But that’s not the case anymore. You’re free, Iyla. So play for me, Sparrow. Play so the whole world knows you won’t be fucking stopped anymore.”
I didn’t stop crying. I couldn’t. But I turned back to the piano, and with Zagan right beside me, I let everything go and released it in the form of music.
My grief for lost time.
My anger at having been caged.
My hope for a future I intended to claim.
And my love.
For my friends—both old and new. For music and piano. For Gemma and her improving health.
For my demon.