18. Bennett

EIGHTEEN

BENNETT

My hands shake as I unbutton my jeans and toe off my shoes and socks. I keep my eyes on the floor out of habit more than anything.

Every single other time I've undressed in front of a man I'm dating I've had the fear that they'll think I want sex if I look at them.

I didn't, ever, but looking at the person you're with, knowing them that way, without any of the layers we put on to appear the way we want to is a privilege.

It's special, and if I want to build something real with Luke, then not only do I have to let him see me, but I have to see him too.

So I raise my gaze and instantly smile.

Luke stands with his back straight and eyes on me, not a shred of self-consciousness in his body language or expression.

And why should there be when the man is a better version of Michelangelo's David?

The fact that I don't want to fuck him or suck him off doesn't mean I'm blind. The man is objectively gorgeous, there's no denying that.

And he's looking at me with patient blue eyes, and nothing but appreciation.

There's no trace of hunger or need. I can't see a lick of the heat that has always made me want to run away before.

And damn, the way my body shakes with the sudden thought and realization that I can just be , that I don't need to be on guard.

It's indescribable.

I take his hands and step into the bathtub without waiting a second longer. I need to do this with him now. I need to give him this, and maybe myself too.

The water is warm but not scorching, just nice, and though the tub is only filled halfway, once we're both sitting in it—me between Luke's strong legs, my back pressed against his chest—it's pretty much full.

Luke hums in appreciation at the contact, and I get full-body chills as every muscle in my body relaxes.

It's like every fear disappears in that moment, like I can breathe normally for the first time in years.

A tear slips down my cheek and I don't bother to wipe it away even though it is kind of silly to be so emotional over something so basic.

I'm sure the fears will come back at some point— just getting over something doesn't exist as Dr. Wendy likes to tell me—but for now, I let myself enjoy every second I get to feel this weightless, this free.

Neither one of us speaks as we soak in the water, as we let ourselves just be. But together.

An hour later—or maybe two, I don't know and honestly don't care—we get out of the tub and take a quick shower together. We didn't wash anything in the bath, so we just do that quickly, then Luke wraps me up like a burrito in a big, fluffy towel, and dries my hair with another one.

I laugh lightly at his focused frown as he combs his fingers through my damp hair to try and tame it. When I'm as dry as I can possibly be, I do the same for him.

We still don't speak as we slide into bed, only breaking our physical connection for seconds before we're pressed back together, head to toe. Sharing the same pillow, with one of his arms under my neck and the other tangled with mine over our torsos.

I fall asleep, still feeling absolutely free and like anything is possible.

"Good morning." I hear from behind me as I finish wiping up the counters in the kitchen the next morning.

It's early, and Luke and I woke up to the beautiful alarm of two crying kids—one having woken the other—and quickly got them both changed and ready for breakfast. I wasn't expecting anyone to come down before ten a.m., but here is Josie with Bidy following close behind her, and it's barely nine.

"Morning," I say happily, and walk right over to hug my best friend. "What are you guys doing up?" I ask as I bask in her hug.

"We're used to it," Bidy tells me with a smile and walks over to the coffee machine, where Luke is already placing two cups for them.

"Nice to see you again, Bidy." Luke shakes Bidy's hand. "Do you guys want some breakfast? I can make you my cheesy scrambled eggs in no time. "

"Your boyfriend is way nicer than you are, Bennett." I groan at the boyfriend comment but don't protest.

I see Luke's smug grin when I finally release Josie and walk around the island to greet Bidy as well.

They look pretty well rested and happy as always. "Always a pleasure," I tell them.

"Same," they say with a chuckle. "I don't know about you guys but I can't wait to explore this place. We only saw it in the dark, and I bet it's insane in the morning."

"Coffee first, baby." Josie half groans, half whines the words.

"Yes, of course. Coffee or you will cry when you see the sun, I know. And no need to cook us anything, Luke. Though I appreciate you offering, we're not big breakfast people."

"Weirdos," I say, and shake my head.

"Yeah, yeah." Josie waves me off and takes the first sip of her precious coffee. "Do you guys know what the plan is for today?" She's walking over to the kids before she finishes her question, and greets Lizzie. Like everyone else, she asks Robbie's name, but instead of either Luke or me saying his name, this time he says, "Bie." With a small smile for Josie.

Hearing him tell her his name chokes me up for some reason, and I see Luke shift on his feet and note the way his Adam's apple bobs with a hard swallow. I walk to him and cuddle up close.

We settled the kids on the floor after breakfast so we could clean up, and they've been happily coloring next to the sliding door where the morning light is coming in beautifully.

"Robbie," Luke says with a voice full of emotion. "He's getting better at saying his name already, and he's my little brother."

Josie smiles kindly back at Luke but quickly turns back to sit cross-legged with the kids and chat with them instead of us.

Not ten minutes later, Mike comes barging in wearing only his swimming trunks and flip flops. He sees the kids—also in their bathing suits, though Luke told me he doesn't think Robbie's ever been swimming before—and claps his hands happily.

"Just who I wanted to see. Do you guys want to go swimming with Uncle Mike?"

"Uh..." Luke says, and looks at me with panic in his eyes.

"He's taken care of Lizzie in a pool before, when she was even younger than Robbie, and I brought a couple of water wings for them," I tell Luke quietly, though I'm sure everyone in the kitchen can hear me.

Before he can answer, Adam, Sebas, and Theo come in too.

"Oh, good, they're ready. Adam and I really need to get our training in this parenting thing checked off, so we'll just take these two off your hands for the day, okay?"

Sebas speaks so casually as he walks over to Lizzie and picks her up when she raises her arms for him to do so.

Robbie looks curiously from Sebas to Mike, and then he searches for Luke.

"We're gonna be there the whole time," I whisper to Luke. Not wanting anyone to listen this time, I hug him and speak right next to his ear. "If you don't want them to take him, just tell them so. Or maybe," I muse out loud when he tenses. "Maybe you can tell them you want to swim with him for the first time."

"Well, I do want that actually."

"Then let's go change."

I step back and see him close his eyes for a long moment, take a deep breath, and then he nods. "Okay," he tells me, then turns to the others. "Uh, I'd like to be there when he swims for the first time guys, but you can take them both down with you. Bennett and I just need to change first, but we'll catch up with you."

Mike smiles his huge smile. "His first swim, oh lil' man, isn't that awesome?" He picks Robbie up, who looks pretty relaxed but ridiculously small in Mike's arms, and smiles gratefully at Luke. "Thanks for letting me hang out with him. He's gonna be my new best friend, aren't you, Robbie?"

"Hey!" Adam protests, and that makes Luke lose the last of his tension.

"I love anything that takes titles from Darnell," he teases.

"Oh, fu—" Adam starts to curse but Bidy slaps his chest in warning. "Fudge you, Riggs."

"That's more like it." I can't help but laugh.

"All right, everyone who doesn't live here?—"

I'm interrupted by the door to the kitchen swinging open again, and realize there's no organizing this bunch when shouts of celebration ring out at the sight of CJ, Adam's childhood best friend, and Carter, Adam's and my college classmate, coming in.

I haven't seen or talked to them since the Super Bowl, so like everyone else, I walk over and catch up for a few minutes.

"Yes, that's the next Michael Phelps right there!" Hawk shouts excitedly at the way Robbie kicks his little feet happily when Luke holds him on his back in the water. He apparently loves being in the water and has whined and complained every time someone's tried to take him out, and the one time Luke did take him out for a diaper change the poor boy cried his eyes out.

Otherwise, the day's been as perfect as days can be. We're finishing up a late lunch, and have no plans of moving anywhere far from the party central.

"How is living in Vegas?" Glenn asks from next to me.

"It's okay. I like the house well enough, and I do like working with Gab." I shrug. "How about you? You excited about year four of your PhD?"

"I am," he says with a wistful smile. Something I didn't know Glenn had in him until he married George. "I don't want it to ever end, honestly."

"I hope I feel that way when I start at Albert in August."

"I'm sure you will. We're the only two true nerds of the group."

I laugh "Well yeah, but everyone here is a dork."

"True," Glenn says and takes a sip of his beer. "Well, no. Wolf isn't a dork."

"You're right, Wolf is just cool."

I clink my beer to his before taking a sip.

"This thing with Luke," Glenn starts without looking me in the eyes.

"Yeah?"

"It's, uh... Is it going okay?" He looks way more uncomfortable than he normally would when we talk about our lives.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, with the way you were talking about him before... I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything. I'm always here, okay?"

"Thank you," I tell him, really touched that he thought of saying it out loud when it's only been kind of an unspoken thing. "Things are good, yeah. I just have to remind myself that he actually likes when I tell him how I feel, and he doesn't take it as criticism or get defensive."

"Sounds like he's a mature man then."

I bark out a laugh. "He is, at least in that area, but he's playful and fun too."

"And he treats you well? "

I hear the underlying question.

He doesn't give you shit for being asexual?

I smile as reassuringly as I can at Glenn. "I promise, he's better than any other guy I've dated before. The problem really has been with me." Glenn's eyes open wide in surprise, but he stays silent, letting me get my thoughts together as I watch all the people we love have fun in the pool.

I really don't want to get into the Jeremy nightmare with Glenn, especially here and now, but how can I explain how hard trust is for me otherwise? Especially for the first time since then?

"I've been struggling with the assumptions." I decide to start with that, because assuming is what makes me doubt, I think. "Luke is a great guy, and nothing like I imagine other men in his position are. Truth is, with the example Leaf and Adam have given me, I shouldn't expect NFL quarterbacks to be entitled jerks, but I still do nonetheless, and Luke's managed to get me started with a good habit."

"What habit is that?" Glenn asks softly, I love him for understanding the seriousness of what we're talking about.

"Talking."

Glenn's only response is to smile knowingly.

"It's so simple, isn't it? Even when what I'm saying is outlandish and frankly ridiculous, I feel like I can tell him and he'll listen ."

I don't think there's any other way for me to explain what Luke does for me, giving me the space to voice my most fearsome thoughts so I can let them go. I don't understand how we got to that place so quickly after we started dating, but I do know it was necessary for me. So I spend the next minute explaining Luke's family situation to Glenn, he more than anyone would understand what Luke's life was like growing up. Glenn's eyes shine with a new understanding when I mention Gordon and how Luke invited him to live with them. He listens to me try and explain what the last month has been like for Luke even though I haven't been there for all of it, and in the end, I let the silence stretch for another long moment before I come out with what I really feel like I need to say.

"I am scared that he'll get tired of me eventually, even though he's done nothing to make me feel that way. We're just so different." I let out a harsh breath that's the only way to express my frustration with myself. Then my eyes move to Luke as if on their own and just seeing and hearing him laugh, is enough to calm me down at least a little. Then he turns to look at me and that one knowing look fixes everything wrong inside me.

"Being different is what makes most relationships work," Glenn says making me turn back to him and focus on our conversation once more.

"I know, but I feel like we barely have anything in common."

Glenn scoffs and shifts back to rest his weight on his palms. "You're both single parents. You're only children—which take my words for it, make everything easier. I sometimes think only children and people who have siblings are different breeds, I swear. The way George grew up, with three brothers, means he reacts to things differently and expects very different things. So you've got that going for you. Then there's also the fact that you both love your jobs and are passionate about your careers. From what you said about Gordon, family is just as important to him as it is to you. What other similarities do you need to have? Everything else is only going to make life interesting, Bennett."

I let out a long sigh. "You're right," I mumble. "I know you're right. And he actually thinks I'm funny. "

"Do you think he's funny?" Glenn asks with a little smile and tilt of his head.

"I do," I whisper softly, my smile inevitably widening when I remember how he makes fun of himself for being one of Gab's "children" or for being a dumb jock—which he isn't at all. I think of him sending me a picture of his wet face and T-shirt every time Robbie pees on him when he's changing his diaper.

"You know the one thing I've learned in classes that I never thought I would?" Glenn's question comes out of the blue.

"What's that?" I ask, a bit jarred by the change in topic but not really bothered.

"Physics is poetic."

I snort. "What?" That sounds ridiculous.

"I swear," Glenn says with a laugh. "Like, every single particle that exists today, existed thirteen-point-eight billion years ago when the Big Bang happened. Every atom in your body traveled from millions of light years away to this tiny rotating rock, and now together they make up you .

"The likelihood of life is so fucking small, Bennett. It's pretty ridiculous that even an ant exists, let alone the human race. What I'm trying to say is." He goes on when I only stare back at him. I'm truly speechless. "In the grand scheme of things, we're smaller than an atom compared to what's out there." He tilts his head up to the bright blue sky and smiles when he looks at me again. "We are so insignificant, and yet, we exist. Yet we have the ability to do what statistically should be as close to impossible as it gets. Live, act, think, choose.

"The chances that all the atoms that form you would end up on this planet, at this time, are so small that you could spend the rest of your life counting zeroes and never finish the actual number. It's that way for every human, animal, and plant on Earth. Then you add Luke to the equation. Same small chance of him existing exactly the way he does." Glenn takes a deep breath and I do the same—it's needed.

"By everything you've told me, he has everything, is everything you've ever wanted in a partner, but you're scared and you have doubts—which of course you have every right to have. I'm not telling you to just stop being scared or cautious, I'm just saying, everything about our existence has been left to chance, Bennett, but in this case, you can make the chances of making it work with Luke a lot higher than zero. You've got the power to look at this situation and choose him, if that's what you want."

"Holy fuck, Glenn." My voice cracks with every word.

"Told you, it's poetic."

"Uh-huh," is all I can say. I don't think I've held back a lot with Luke. I mean, some. But I've always held back with everyone. That's... well, maybe it's not just the way I'm built, maybe it's the way I was molded.

But I chose last night, didn't I?

When, for a second, I thought Luke wanted to try to have sex after all, I still encouraged him to talk to me and to tell me what he wanted.

I chose to trust him at that moment. And I can choose to trust him tomorrow and the day after. Even if doubt and fear are my first responses to unknown situations, I can choose to not let them rule me.

Damn, but physics is pretty darn cool after all.

"Can I use that speech in one of my books?" I ask Glenn.

"Of course," he answers with a laugh, and lies back on his lounger with his hands under his head.

Suddenly, I see Luke climbing out of the deep end of the pool with an ease that seems just a little superhuman. I see Theo, in the shallow end, holding a babbling Robbie carefully—and looking terrified, but I can't laugh about it now because Luke is running up the hill to...

I squint, and yeah, that sure is legendary rockstar Sterling, and Jules, his hockey player husband, walking leisurely, hand in hand to the party central. Behind them are all the agents and Harrison and Tristan as well.

I'm about to ask who the guy is walking hand in hand with Hugh—the agent who represents most of my friends—but lose the ability to speak when Luke leaps what seems like five feet in the air and lands in Jules' arms.

"One of my friends is here too!" I hear him shout in glee.

I snort.

"Man, he's such a dork." I know I sound wistful and sappy instead of teasing, but I don't care.

"That just means he'll fit right in," Glenn murmurs and I laugh. Yes, he already fits right in .

I watch the way Luke slaps Jules' shoulder as they walk down to meet everyone who's here, and find that I actually enjoy the way they clearly enjoy each other's company.

They're clearly having fun and I like seeing Luke like that.

Maybe it's because he's ace too? And I know he doesn't want sex from anyone so he's not thinking about finding someone else who will give him that.

That's, damn, another big realization that I shouldn't be having on a partying weekend with my friends. This isn't the time for it. I'll think about it more when we get back to Vegas. I focus back on the present just in time to hear Jules' words as he walks up to the paved area around the pool.

"Nah, we're flying back tonight. I have game seven tomorrow, and you know we're fighting for another Cup. "

"Yeah, I get it man, you . . ."

Luke trails off as Derek stands on a chair next to the grill and gets everyone's attention.

"Okay, now that all the guests are finally here, Hawk and I have an announcement." He climbs down from the chair just as Sebas jumps out of the pool.

"OMG, are you pregnant?" he shouts and slaps his cheeks with mock surprise. Most people—and hell, there must be at least thirty people here—laugh at his words, but my eyes involuntarily move to Josie a few tumblers away from me.

She's sitting with her legs crossed and she has her head lowered, but I see a small smile and if I'm not wrong, a blush covering her cheeks,

Sebas clearly can't stop thinking about the fact that he'll more than likely be a dad in nine months, and if he's not careful everyone here will know that. The only reason I know is because Josie was nervous as hell three days ago when the insemination happened, and called me so I could calm her down.

Bidy is undoubtedly the love of Josie's life, but sometimes you just need one of your best friends, and thankfully they don't begrudge her for that.

I keep it to myself and go back to looking at Derek who's wearing his patented shut up before I'm out of patience face. I can't pull back the smile though. My friends all finding love, getting married, and now some of them thinking of starting families of their own doesn't seem like such a bad thing now. Not like it did only three months ago at least.

"No," Hawk says, deadpan. "We're not pregnant."

Adam boos them and as always, we follow his lead.

"Hey, stop that!" Hawk protests. "My fragile artist ego is fragile , okay? I'm sorry if getting everyone we love together for a surprise wedding isn't exciting enough for you people." Hawk pouts just as a few grunts and mumbled "Huh?" ring out.

My jaw drops, though I think I'm one of the only ones who gets it.

"Wait, who's getting married?" Theo asks, shielding his eyes from the glare of the sun at the same time as trying to make sure Robbie doesn't fall into the pool while he's trying to climb up to his head.

"Oh, for fu—God's sake." Derek corrects himself when he remembers there are little ears present. "We are." He points at Hawk then at himself.

"When?" George asks.

"Now!" Derek shouts, finally out of patience.

There's a beat of absolute silence, and then an explosion of cheers followed by a loud splash of water. We all turn to see Mike emerge from the deep end of the pool. "You just had to get married before me, huh? Couldn't even wait three more months?" The teasing smile says everything about how much Mike is loving this. "Congratulations to the grooms!" He whoops and dives back in.

As I turn, about to go congratulate the soon-to-be husbands, I see Wolf walking down the hill wearing... slacks. And a button-down. And dress shoes.

The man wore combat boots and old jeans to the fucking Oscars, but I guess he has his priorities. I'll give it to him, his little brother's wedding is more important.

"Let's get this over with," he grumbles at his brother and best friend, and keeps walking down the hill.

"That's the spirit," I hear Tristan call out when he walks past him.

"Yeah!" Hawk says excitedly. "Everyone out of the pool. You don't need to change, just follow us. "

Wolf spins around and, walking backward, calls out, "I'm marrying the two down over there." He points behind him. "And I can't believe I said yes, but here we are, so let's do this."

Luke is suddenly in front of me, holding out a hand to help me stand while he rubs a towel over his head. There's excitement in his grin, and a simple happiness over the surprise my friends just sprung on us, I take his hand and walk with him to see Derek seal his life to the love of his life.

Again, it strikes me how I no longer feel even a little bit snarky or salty about the broody football player finding love without even looking, because now I'm pretty sure I'm holding the hand of my forever man. I can't imagine ever letting him go.

I snicker at my slightly-unhinged thoughts and when Luke turns to me with a questionings expression, one eyebrow raised, I just shake my head and lean up for a kiss. He'll eventually learn about the way I talk to myself all the time, no need to scare him away right now.

Late the next day I park my Explorer in Luke's driveway and look back to make sure the kids are still asleep in their chairs. They are, thank God.

I mean, it was a fun weekend, no doubt about it, but I'm tired and ready for my bed even if it's not even nine p.m. yet.

I turn and am met with Luke's never-before-seen-by-me puppy dog eyes.

"Are you sure you don't want to just stay over?" There's a little whine hidden in his words, and all it does is make me happy. Isn't that weird?

"We need clothes to take Lizzie to daycare tomorrow, and I need them too for work with Gab. Also, I need to spend some time with my parents and tell them all about the fun weekend, and you need to check in with Gordon and let him have his first few days with Robbie, since you're having your camp thingy this week."

"It's the rookie minicamp," Luke tells me with a patient smile.

"Yes, that. Sorry," I say with a wince, then lean in to apologize with a slow kiss.

"But maybe next weekend we can do a sleepover? You can talk about it with Gordon, see how he feels about it."

"Yeah, okay. You're right," he says looking back at Robbie. "I know you're right. I just got used to sleeping next to you."

"Me too, pretty boy."

"Okay, I'm gonna step out or else I'm gonna kiss you and never stop, okay? Okay. Good. Talk tomorrow?"

I nod with a smile, and help bring his and Robbie's bags to his front door while he gets Robbie—chair and all—out of the car.

Lizzie sleeps through it, thankfully, and then I'm on my way to our place without a goodnight kiss.

Oh well, it's for the best.