17. Luke

SEVENTEEN

LUKE

We pass through two iron gates and Clive drives us down what looks like an ordinary country road. If you ignore the spectacular view of the Pacific to our left, that is.

"I'm gonna drop y'all off at the main house and we'll see you later for lunch, okay?" Clive asks us from the driver's seat while I shift in my seat closer to Bennett. I've been practically glued to him since Gab picked all of us up at my place just over two hours ago and I still don't have enough. Being pressed against Bennett, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine, being able to hear every one of his breaths and every little sound he makes, it's all intoxicating.

For the first time in my life, I truly can't get enough from someone I'm dating, and it's amazing and daunting at the same time.

Mostly because I know Bennett can choose to leave me in the dust at any point. He can walk away from me and there's nothing I'd be able to do to stop him. So yeah, that's scary, but he doesn't shift away from me. He hasn't told me he needs space, and I choose to believe that means he doesn't need or want it from me.

So maybe he's on the same boat as me. Maybe he's just as eager to spend more time with me as I am with him.

"Thanks for driving us, Clive," Bennett says.

"Where are you guys going?" I ask out of pure curiosity, since it's none of my business, really.

"To my place, just down the road. My princess is staying with her papa for once." He sighs dramatically and places a hand on his heart.

I can't see her face from the back of the car, but I know perfectly well the epic eye roll Gab is performing when she groans. " Daad ."

Clive cackles.

"My Gabrielle has come home," he shouts and makes the kids giggle.

Gab turns on her seat to look at the kids and with a very calm smile tells them. "Never call me Gabrielle, little ones."

"You break my heart every time." Clive sighs as he stops the car in front of a pretty big two story house. It looks like a farmhouse, honestly. Cheerful. It makes sense when Hawk comes out of it smiling. A few steps behind him is his brother, Wolf, and his fiancé, Derek. Neither is smiling but they're also not actively scowling so that's good I guess.

Clive steps out at the same time as Gab and opens the back door where Lizzie is sitting. Hawk's smile turns somehow brighter when he sees her, and Derek's lips even tip up slightly.

Wolf nods at all of us. "I'll see you guys later, I gotta go home and change." With that he turns and leaves.

"Welcome to our home," Hawk says excitedly. I round the middle seats after Bennett and unbuckle a sleeping Robbie, then step down with him resting against my chest, and round the car to greet everyone. "How was your flight?" I can tell he's asking us, but he won't stop looking at Robbie and at Lizzie who's halfway to sleep-town too as Bennett carries her out of the car.

"It was great," Bennett assures him. "Is there any way we can get these two to bed somewhere, though? I fear we don't have long until they're done with the noise."

"Of course, follow us. It's just a short walk to the guest cabin you guys will be using." Derek grabs our bags from the trunk and nods for us to follow him.

I turn back to Clive. "Thanks again for picking us up. See you later?"

"You betcha, Riggs. I'm gonna be here with my party hat on."

"Great, then follow us." Hawk walks beside us as we follow Derek.

"So, how big is this place?" Bennett asks Hawk.

"Oh it's huge," he says with eyes wide open and a laugh in his voice. "We got our houses done super fast, then we got the pool with all the nice stuff around it, you guys will see that later. That's where we'll probably have lunch and dinner every day. But we also had two guest houses done, so friends can come over and visit." He jumps a little at the last word.

"That's great," I say, meaning it. The whole property is beautiful, with mostly grass but some huge trees sprinkled everywhere, and of course there's the view. Which, wow . I see what I think has to be a tennis court down the hill, closer to the sea, as well as the pool Hawk told us about—which I'm pretty sure is bigger than the court.

"So this is where you guys will stay with Josie, Bidy, CJ, Carter, and Gracie who're getting here tonight."

I nod and that's the first time it occurs to me. Are we gonna sleep in the same bed? The guest house isn't as big as what I now know was Derek and Hawk's place, but it's still pretty big. My guess is it has at least four rooms if not more.

Hawk keeps talking as Derek opens the front door and takes both of our stuff to the same room.

"Adam, Sebas, Theo, Mike, Tristan, and Harrison are staying with Clive too, but they should be here in a little while as well." Hawk keeps talking but I barely pay attention since the prospect of sharing a bed with Bennett for the first time has nerves and anticipation blooming inside my chest. It's the good kind of nerves. I can't wait to hold him next to me while he falls asleep.

Bennett looks back at me when we walk in and the small smile he gives me calms the nerves but it does make my heartbeat faster. He's so damn beautiful.

"Okay," Derek says, as he drops our bags in the king-sized bed and takes a hold of Hawk's hand. "We should leave them to settle in. Just follow the path as if you're going to the beach and you'll get to the party central, okay? Okay, bye."

He closes the bedroom door behind a squawking Hawk with a decisive click and less than a minute later I hear the front door close as well.

With Robbie in my arms I turn to see Bennett looking at me with a guilty look on his face.

"What's the matter, cutie?" I ask as I carefully lower Robbie into one of the two cribs in the room. Derek and Hawk really are amazing for setting up cribs for the kids, and since Derek dragged Hawk away after very obviously putting every bag in the same room, I know it's all been very deliberate.

Bennett says nothing as he does the same with Lizzie, so I waste some time setting out Robbie's things.

"I'm sorry if you don't want to share a room, Hawk just assumed. We don't have to." I hear the tension and nerves in his voice loud and clear, so I walk over and pull him into my arms.

"I'm very excited about us sharing a room and a bed, Bennett. If you don't want to then we don't have to of course, but I'm more than happy with this arrangement. I told you I like to cuddle." I rock us gently from side to side.

"Really?" he asks in a small voice as he finally wraps his arms around my waist.

"Promise, cutie." I kiss the top of his head, then lean back and kiss his lips because it wasn't enough.

"Then I'm more than happy about it too."

He buries his face in my chest, and I hold him close, loving the way we fit together.

"Wait," I say as something clicks. "What do you mean Hawk assumed? He knows we're dating, right?"

"Uhhh, well . . ."

I don't know whether to laugh or groan.

"Then why did I get an invite?" I ask, and yeah, there goes the chuckle.

"I told them how you didn't recognize me when you first saw me, and how you apologized, but that's it."

"And . . ." I encourage him.

"Well, they could all see I have a big ol' crush on you." Fuck, hearing him say it, even reluctantly, has my belly going insane with happiness.

"That's good to know, cutie. 'Cause the crush is very much mutual."

"Thank God." He breathes the words out and finally looks up at me. I kiss his lips softly and for a long time, until I need to come up for air .

"We should get unpacked and then change the kids." Bennett's voice sounds breathless and I know mine will too, so I just nod.

When he steps back, I miss his warmth immediately, and I know there's lots of fun to be had today with all of Bennett's friends, but I just can't wait for tonight when I'll get to hold him for hours and hours.

We bump into Derek and Hawk on our way down to the pool again. They're showing more people around. I recognize Adam, Sebas, Theo, and Mike of course, but although I know who the other two men are—because who doesn't?—I'm not comfortable just walking up and saying, "Hey, how you doin'?"

Harrison Crawford is just as impressive a person as Gab, but it's still hard for me to just go up and say hi to billionaires even though I consider one my friend. Crawford is the owner of the New York Kings, the team Adam and Mike play for and one of our main rivals as well as LA if I'm honest.

Tristan Jones, Harrison's boyfriend, is a PR manager for the stars. Some of those stars being Hawk and his brother, so I guess it's only natural for them to be here. Though I am curious at how the weekend will go with two NFL team owners in attendance.

It's just a bit too intense for me to think about right now.

Robbie and I, we're just two good Texas boys, and I somehow managed to make it big, but that doesn't mean anything about this is normal to me.

I take Bennett's lead—and his hand for moral support and because I can't help but want that contact with him—as I carry Robbie in the sling I have strapped to my chest. Lizzie's walking beside Bennett, awake as ever .

"Hey guys." Everyone's attention turns to us, and it occurs to me maybe I should've held off on the handholding because that's what everyone zeroes in on. With the conversation we just had, I should've known this would be a thing .

"Heeeeey," Sebas, Adam's husband says with a shit-eating grin. "Anything new happen in your life recently, Bennett?"

"Leave them be," Theo, Mike's boyfriend and also Harrison's son, tells Sebas with an eye roll.

"Oh, I will be doing no such thing after the way our last conversation went."

I feel Bennett take a deep breath next to me, then he lets it rip. "Yes, Luke and I are dating. Also, you're on Lizzie duty during lunch, Sebastian. Be thankful Robbie's sleeping still or you'd be finding out just how much food a baby can spit on you in less than an hour."

Sebas' smile doesn't dim as his eyes shift to me. "And who's this Robbie I haven't had the pleasure of meeting before, huh?" He takes a few steps closer to see Robbie's face half hidden by the strap of the sling. "Oh man, he looks just like you," he coos.

"He's my little brother," I tell them all, and I'm very surprised when no one asks any follow-up questions.

Adam and Mike step closer to take a look as well. I feel bereft when Bennett drops my hand and goes over to greet Tristan and Harrison, but I manage not to beg him to come back.

I'll be fine with these guys, I've known them for so long, even if only as acquaintances until recently, I know that, I just don't feel like being away from Bennett, sue me.

"Nah," Adam says with a shake of his head. "This little dude is a handsome one, he looks nothing like your ugly ass, Riggs."

I scoff at Adam. "You wish you were as pretty as me, Darnell." We both know that's not true. I mean, I know I'm good looking, mainly because people have been telling me for so long, but I'm also well aware that Adam is no sloucher in the looks department. But just to keep the friendly shit-talking going, I don't stop there. "You should hear what Bennett's nickname for me is, and also, no cursing in front of the kids, dude," I chastise and swat at his shoulder. Like most football players though, Adam has great reflexes and twists out of the way, but he does keep his mouth shut, so I'll take it as a win.

"Getting slow in your old age, Riggs?" Mike asks me with his patented adorable smile as he gazes down at me from his massive six-nine height.

"I'm only a year older than you two dum-dums."

Mike chuckles softly as he still focuses his gaze on Robbie.

"He looks like a happy baby, though."

He claps me gently on the shoulder, and directs his smile at me this time.

"I hope he is." My words sound more serious than I mean them to, but I don't regret saying them.

I might constantly be battling against these guys on the football field, but I've always respected them. They're good men.

"Break up the fight, guys," Derek calls out to us. "It's time to go down for lunch."

Bennett comes back to me and this time he's the one reaching for my hand. "Okay?" he asks, looking straight into my eyes.

"Yeah," I answer quietly. "Everything's perfect." And it is.

I can't believe the way they've included me into their group so effortlessly, but I'm grateful and weirdly already looking forward to more weekends like this one with Bennett's friends. Maybe in the future, once we all know each other well enough, I'll consider them my friends too.

The picture my mind conjures up has only warmth and happiness filling my chest. Years down the line, Lizzie and Robbie a bit older, as well as me and my beautiful Bennett, surrounded by these amazing people.

I can't wait at the same time as I can't help but wish for time to move slowly so I can enjoy every second of making a life with Bennett.

That's probably too soon.

No probably about it , a voice deep in the back of my brain says with a snicker and it sounds like Gab.

I don't mind though. I'm well aware Bennett is worth all these emotions coming up too fast. The way he handled things when I came to LA a while back isn't ideal, but he's been great about talking about his hard feelings and thoughts with me since. And I've made it a point to ask. Which is something I quite like doing actually. Because I don't want him to have any doubts. I want him to be comfortable and feel safe with me, with our relationship.

I keep my eyes trained on his profile as we walk down the small hill, I see my future in his rounded cheeks, in the way his lips are permanently etched into a soft smile.

I lean over and kiss his temple, and get what I want when he turns to look up at me. His smile widens, it grows with happiness, and his eyes soften when they shift quickly to Robbie then back up at me. There's tenderness, yearning, understanding.

I bet my eyes are telling him exactly the same, maybe a bit more.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with Bennett, maybe even more than halfway there.

And I mind that, even less.

Bennett leads me straight to Campbell—George Campbell, the best wide receiver the Boston Sharks have in their roster—and his husband when we get to the amazing area that, yeah, deserves to be called party central. It has a full kitchen covered with a tiled roof. A roof that stretches for about twenty more feet to the other side where there's a living room type space with a couple of couches, a pool table, a TV, and doors that lead to what I'm guessing are bathrooms.

Next to the kitchen there's a jacuzzi, then all the loungers lining the huge, probably Olympic-sized pool. The place is awesome, simple as that.

I wanna say George's husband's name is Glenn, but I'm not sure, so I pay attention when Bennett greets them first and hear that my memory didn't fail me.

Leaf, the QB for the Boston Sharks is also there with his wife and newborn son.

"Hey, man." He greets me and gestures for me to sit next to him. "Hell of a Draft you guys had."

I smile knowingly, while I once again feel the absence of Bennett's presence next to me when he goes to talk to his friends on the other side of the table.

"You know the Darnells, they don't do anything halfway." My eyes shift quickly to Bennett, but his amused smile as he talks to Glenn tells me he's more than fine, so I work on paying attention to Leaf.

"For sure. The season's gonna be interesting."

I nod and reach for a bowl of chips in the middle of the table while being careful not to jostle Robbie too much in the sling. "I honestly can't wait for the rookie minicamp so I can put those kids through some drills."

"I just bet," he says with a smirk. Then the smirk disappears and turns into a serious frown, so suddenly that it's jarring. "So you and Bennett, huh?"

"Uh, yeah?" I say it like a question.

"He's a good man, one of the best really."

"I know that." I nod and realize Leaf must be closer to Bennett than I thought.

"We met when I was still playing for the Sealions," he tells me as if reading my mind. "Before he was a father, he was already an amazing friend who I respected more than most, but after." He shakes his head. "He's seriously more impressive than most NFL players, and very dear to all of us. Don't fuck it up, okay?"

I can't even manage to tell him not to curse in front of the kids because I realize how important this moment is. For me personally, I mean.

I've had to step up and be honorable and work for everything I've gotten all my life. I've had to fight hard for everything I've achieved, and I know proving myself to Bennett's friends isn't as important as proving I'm a good man to him, but I understand it does have some weight.

"Believe me, I know better than most what a special person Bennett is, and Lizzie." I try to tell Leaf with my gaze only that I know it even more than he does. He looks dubiously at me, but that's okay.

I know what I'm building with Bennett.

I know he already trusts me even though he can't show it like other people do because of what happened to him. Simply by telling me—though that wasn't simple at all—he showed me he's in this with me. Just as invested as I am in making us work.

I look toward Bennett again, sitting next to Lizzie and looking over her head at Heather, Glenn, and George while he talks to them with a relaxed expression on his face. He turns back to look at me then, as if sensing my stare and the same tenderness comes back into his eyes. I like that he looks at me like that. I like that he feels like turning to search for me from time to time, it makes me feel like I might not be alone in all these feelings.

The man is more magnificent than his friends will ever know. And they already respect and love him so much .

It's been clear just by looking at how all of them stare at him and Lizzie, how they greet him with love in their eyes.

Bennett's worked hard to make all these relationships stay strong and last, and that's something I can definitely learn from him. I don't have any friends from high school or college I'm still in contact with, except for those who also made it to the NFL and I see on game days. And those aren't close friendships like these ones.

I've always thought quality is more important than quantity, and I still believe that because Kevin, Rashan, and Cameron are the best friends I've ever had, but seeing everyone fill the party central, I can't help but think maybe it's possible to have both.

Hours later, Bennett and I trudge back up to our guest home where every light is out. Derek told us that his sister, along with Josie—Bennett's best friend—her partner Bidy, and the other couple of friends missing who are all staying at the same house will be arriving later since they had to work all day today. So we probably won't see them until the morning, but that's okay, because Lizzie and Robbie are out like a light, and though it's early for us, we're tired too.

Robbie was quiet all day. He was happy enough in my arms when he woke up, and he didn't make a fuss about being greeted by everyone in attendance. He was fawned over a lot, but he didn't seem to like the attention a lot.

Bennett told those who asked that we wouldn't be coming down for drinks after putting the kids to sleep because he was tired, and I didn't have to say anything at all, everyone just assumed I'd stay in with Bennett and I love that. Because even though his friends are great and I loved getting to know them better throughout the day, there's no place I'd rather be than next to Bennett.

There's also the fact that I don't want to be that far away from Robbie while he's sleeping and there's no other supervision, but also, I'm pretty tired and the opportunity to relax and cuddle with Bennett is too good to pass up.

I feel like I just need the closeness after a day full of so many emotions and so many people.

Which brings me to a conversation I want to have with Bennett. I've done a lot of research since I talked to him on Monday, on asexuality and on triggers. The overwhelming conclusion of all those hours spent reading and reading on my tablet?

It all depends.

It's fucking maddening.

Why can't someone just tell me exactly how I'm supposed to be?

No, there are no lists to check off things that will tell me exactly what I am, what Bennett is. What Bennett likes or doesn't like.

It all fucking depends.

Every person is different, so of course there's no clear way for any asexual person to be.

Which means I need to do the adult thing and ask Bennett, and talk about it at length. Funny how it's been so easy for me to check in with him since he explained why he has so many doubts, why it's automatic for him to not trust people fully, but when it's me who has to open up and speak up , it's hard as all hell.

So when the kids have fresh diapers and are in their pajamas and asleep, I gather all the courage I possess and pull Bennett out of the room with me.

"I saw a few wine bottles in the pantry when I was putting away all the food I brought for the kids. Would you like to drink a glass with me? Out by the yard?"

"Yeah." Bennett smiles sweetly. "I'd really like that."

"Okay then, you go out there. I'll be with you in just a minute."

I find everything I need and take two wine glasses and the opened bottle out to the little covered patio the guest house has.

"This is some place, isn't it?" I say as I close the sliding door.

I take out my phone and make sure the alarms of the monitor app will sound if Robbie or Lizzie wake up or the camera picks up too much movement, then put it on the low table in front of the couch Bennett chose for us to sit in.

There are only faint sounds coming from the party central down the hill but otherwise the night is quiet, and the sky clear and full of stars.

Bennett's looking up when I sit next to him.

"It is. They've been working on it for six months I think, and I never thought I'd see Derek as invested in something that wasn't football." The low chuckle is like a beacon calling for me to sit closer, pull him to me so we can sit together and just enjoy being .

I stay silent, trying to figure out how to bring it up, and Bennett doesn't seem to be anxious to fill the night with words until, out of nowhere, he chuckles again.

"What?" I ask, an automatic smile on my face just from hearing him .

"It's just that a couple of months ago, the houses were done, and these ones were being built as well as the court and the pool and all that." I nod to show I'm listening. "And out of nowhere, Derek called me." He shakes his head in disbelief. "You know, I don't think we'd ever had a conversation one-on-one, but he video-called me and Glenn, which was even stranger.

"So I pick up the call and Glenn's just as confused as me, but Derek barely says hello, just starts telling us about this place and everything Hawk and Wolf wanted to put in here, and he was so mad. Couldn't understand what the hell they were thinking, wanting such a big pool. And guest houses? Who the fuck wants guest houses? Guests are supposed to leave! "

I laugh at his impression of Derek, it's way better than mine.

"Then, after like, thirty minutes of us silently hearing him rage on and on without a clue as to why he called us, he finally got to the crux of things. Money." Bennett shakes his head. "Like Glenn and I, Derek doesn't come from money the way the rest of our friends do. So we figured out that's why he called us, and we got him to breathe and to think about it from the other side."

"And what's the other side?" I ask, filled with wonder by the story. I don't know exactly why, but it shows me that what I thought the group of friends have, is actually so much more. There's such confidence in just knowing that even the person you've talked to the least will pick up the phone no matter what.

"The whole world knows what Hawk and Wolf's lives have been like, but not a lot of people know just how filthy rich they actually are."

I let out a surprised bark of laughter at that, I just wasn't expecting the story to go that way.

"Yeah, they're just so damn loaded, and of course they're very successful artists, but most of it they inherited from their parents. Thing is, Derek didn't really know that at that time, he found out about it a week or so after the call I think, when he finally exploded with Hawk, and Wolf put his foot down. And then there's the other thing, of having a place where they can be out and about and just live without the worry of their neighbor taking pictures of them in the pool or while they're grilling fucking burgers in their backyard. Wolf and Hawk went all out on this place because it's where they can finally be themselves and let go of the weight of being who they are."

"It's much more than a luxury ranch, that's for sure." I muse out loud.

"Yeah," Bennett whispers. "They built their safe space."

"That's a beautiful way to say it, cutie," I murmur and kiss his temple. He presses closer to me then leans his head on my shoulder.

"Well, I'm a writer, pretty boy. Words are what I do. Now, how about that glass of wine?"

"You got it."

I take a deep steadying breath as I pour the wine. I let the silence stretch when I lean back on my seat and throw an arm over Bennett's shoulders. I feel every inch of his body that's touching mine, and I remember.

I remember Bennett dismissing me that first day outside of Gab's house.

I remember the way his gorgeous green eyes softened when I apologized.

I remember the first time I saw them fill with love as he gazed at Lizzie.

I remember the tenderness when he got Robbie to settle after I called him for help .

I remember the pain, the despair, and the fear when he told me what happened to him.

I remember the strength that came over him once he was done telling me and explained how it still affects the way he reacts to certain things.

That's bravery right there.

Bennett has been beyond brave by taking a chance on me when I barely know myself.

So how can I not be just as brave and simply ask ?

"I wanted to ask you something." I decide to keep it simple.

"Sure," Bennett murmurs and turns his head slightly to look up at me, and that's when I see it. Something new in his eyes. Added to everything I've seen before, because every emotion is still there, but there's a... knowing, I guess I could call it. It's new, it's trustworthy, and it's honest.

It's the final push I need to come out and say it even though I'm still scared of his reaction.

"You know I've never had sex, and I've never wanted to. I still don't want to," I rush to say when he starts to pull away. "But I've always liked the closeness of..." I trail off.

The push of bravery gone in the face of the moment. Of the possibility that I might fuck this all up.

Bennett's hand on my cheek stops my thoughts from spiraling any more.

"What is it, pretty boy?" he asks, with tenderness in the nickname now instead of humor. "You can tell me." He presses his lips to mine softly. "It's okay, Luke," he whispers, his lips brushing against mine with every word. "I won't get angry even if the answer is no."

I nod, then lean my forehead against his and with my eyes closed, I whisper what I want .

"I've always liked to shower.. . with the people I date. Have baths and... well, without going into too much detail, it was always a way for me to prolong the time with them without having sex. If, uhm... Do you know what I mean?"

I feel Bennett's harsh release of air against my face and then his nod.

"You scared me there for a second, pretty boy. Yes." He continues as he leans back, and I open my eyes again, able to face the conversation head-on. "I do know what you mean. I've never taken a bath with anyone, really. I have taken showers with some men I've dated, but I never enjoyed them."

"Why?" My voice sounds raw, but speaking low seems to be the right thing in this oh-so-fragile moment.

"Because... Well, I guess it always gave them the wrong idea. But I'm pretty sure it will feel nice with you."

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh." He nods and takes a big gulp of his wine then abruptly stands. "We won't know until we try." He offers me a hand and tilts his head. "C'mon, our en suite has a bathtub. Let's go try it out."