10. Bennett

TEN

BENNETT

Wednesday

I sit on Gab's couch with a brand-new notebook—every new project deserves a new notebook, that's the law—and look her straight in the eyes. After so long waiting for our first day working on this project, I have a very detailed plan on how I want to start.

"What are your limits for this?" When she only stares at me blankly, I realize I have to specify. "In the autobiography, what subjects, events, or people are you absolutely not going to write about."

"Oh," she says, looking surprised. "I don't think there's anything I'm adamantly against, really, but I do have doubts about some things."

"Okay, let's talk those through."

I put pen to paper, ready to take notes, but Gab throws me a curveball that has me so surprised I can't move.

"I don't know if I should explain that I never got married and that I had my babies through anonymous IVF insemination because I'm ace and aro. Like..." She goes on, clueless to my utter shock. "I don't know if I want the whole world to know, you know? My daughters, dad, brother, and sister-in-law know of course. It's never been a secret, really. But the whole world?"

That's when she realizes that I'm gaping at her. Her only reaction is to smile warmly at me—another surprise.

I close my mouth sharply and shake off the stupor. I can't be gaping at her, that's unprofessional, and by the way she so casually mentioned it, I'm guessing there's more shocking news coming my way.

"Sorry," I say with a wince. "I just wasn't expecting it."

"What? That I'd tell you, or that I'm ace and aro?"

"Both I guess." I shrug and smile. "I also guess you know I'm ace as well?"

"Adam mentioned it in passing once, it gave me the impression that it's not a secret."

"It's not at all. I mean, I don't tell every person I meet and it's not something I would ever put on my website or on social media, but everyone close to me knows. Is that why you asked me to help?" I ask, unable to keep the question back. I don't know how I'll feel about it if her answer is yes.

"No." She shakes her head and I smile, relieved. "I asked you because my…" Her mouth clamps shut, making me wonder what she was about to say, but she goes on before I can keep thinking about it. "A close friend of mine who's also a writer told me that if I knew you I should ask you because of the way you write your characters' backstories."

"Oh," I say, surprised. I almost ask who the friend is, but decide not to. It's really none of my business and if she wants to tell me eventually, she will. "In any case, it's completely up to you if you want to include it in the book. Personally, I think you should only do it if you're prepared to answer questions about it in the future and if you're comfortable being a kind of... well, I guess you'd be the face of asexuality in the mainstream media age. I can't think of any other influential people who have come out as ace or aro."

She stares at me thoughtfully and rests her chin on her fist.

"You should definitely give it some thought, since it's not something you can take back. You're already a pioneer in so many ways, you don't owe anyone anything."

"That's a good point. I'll think about it, but right now I'm leaning toward yes. It's who I am, and when I finally understood, when I finally had the words to describe me , it changed my life."

"I understand that," I say softly and put down the pen. "Believe me, I do."

"I know you do, sweetie." She pats my leg, then leans back to rest on the couch. "I'm scared of talking about my mom, since I can't remember her at all. I guess that's something I have to talk through with my dad more than anyone else."

"Well, you don't have to talk about her directly but of your experience being raised by a single parent. You later became a single parent very deliberately, from what you said, so it seems to me the impact is clearly there."

"Of course it is." She looks away with a soft smile. "Like every person alive, or most people I suppose, my father had an immense influence on me, on who I decided to become."

"It's interesting to me that you'd phrase it that way."

"What way?"

"You said who you decided to become."

"So?"

"Well, most people simply become who they are. They make choices of course, but more often than not they don't think of them as a path to becoming someone specifically. Does that make sense?"

"Not really." She smiles ruefully at me, and I take a moment to try and come up with the right words to explain.

"You're clearly a very determined person, a planner." She nods along.

"I think I am."

"Autobiographies are commonly made up of moments that you decide in hindsight shaped you into who you are today. The woman who owns two of the most valuable sports franchises in the country and the most valuable software company in the world. The daughter, sister, and aunt of football legends, and the mastermind that got a hockey team the Stanley Cup in the same year as an ownership change for the first time in history.

"Those things are why people are interested, or would be interested in reading your autobiography, but you just said that none of it was by chance. You said you decided where you wanted to end up and crafted these moments to appear. At least, I think that's what you implied."

Gab stays silent for a long moment but she's smiling wider now, so I let her take her time.

"I'm not all powerful, Bennett. There's no way I could've crafted everything. And if I'd been able to, my daughters would've stayed three years old forever."

I can't help but laugh.

"That, right there." I point at her. "Is one of the reasons why I believe in this project. I think most people see your interviews, see you on their TVs watching games, or hell, read about you online and think you're this hard ass. Which to be fair, you can be, but you have an amazing sense of humor and you're a total softie. What makes you so damn special is that you don't let your soft side affect the hard-ass businesswoman's decisions."

"I think I'm pretty great too," she says cheekily. "And you're talking about drafting Luke, aren't you?"

I nod. "You gave your nephew's very public rival—at least his rival on the field—the chance of a lifetime."

"And it paid off. Even if people are bitching that he's no good anymore, I think things just haven't been aligned the way they sometimes have to be in football."

"Another thing I think should come through in your writing besides your dry sense of humor and your softer side, is that right there. Your unapologetically high self-esteem."

"Some people call me a narcissist."

"Those people should learn the definition of that word, because you're one of the most caring women I know."

"But only about a dozen people know me like you do. Most of my employees don't." She frowns.

"I know, and I'm not saying you have to write about every thought you've ever had, that'd be absurd, but just hearing the story of why you drafted Luke would show people that you made the best choice for your team while you were thinking of your family as well.

"Talking about why you bought a football team in the first place—and of course if you let the world know you bought a hockey franchise because you were suffering from empty nest syndrome or whatever—will make everyone laugh their asses off. Especially since you've gotten two Stanley Cups since then."

We both laugh lightly at that, and then she gets quiet.

"I do want to tell my story of discovering I'm ace and aro. I think that's important. "

"You can start to write it, envision how you want to put it, and if you end up changing your mind, you delete it."

"I just don't want people to think that it's the only reason why I've accomplished everything I have."

"It isn't, I know. You're smart, and driven, and scarily calculated, and that's why you are where you are. If you had a husband and the desire to have sex it more than likely wouldn't have changed anything. But, Gab, people will reach the conclusions they wish to. You can't control that." I deliver the cold, hard truth with as much tact as I can, and I'm pretty sure it's not enough.

"Ugh." She groans as she flops back on the couch. "I know."

"Like I said, just think about it. For the first week I think, and I mean the first five days working, we'll try to come up with a timeline. Then we have to decide if you want to tell the stories in chronological order, or by subject, or something like that."

"Okay." She breathes out and sits back up. "Let's do it." She stands and goes out of her office for a few seconds, then comes back with a whiteboard on wheels. I just smile and sit back as she uncaps the marker.

Two hours later, I'm about to leave when Gab stops me.

"Bennett, I want to apologize."

I turn back to look at her, puzzled as hell.

"What for?"

"For giving Luke your address without checking if it was okay with you first."

"Oh." I breathe out. I don't know what to say to that and dammit, I feel my cheeks darken at the thought of our dinner date tonight. "It's all good," I mumble, and go back to packing up my notebook and laptop which is all I brought with me today.

"Is it?" Gab asks with a deceptively nonchalant tone. I've heard her use it before. On her brother. It's pretty funny the way they bicker like little kids, and the way she—as all younger siblings I've ever met do—makes Peter lose his temper with only a few words or looks.

I tell myself to leave it at that, to not say anything else, after all, I have no idea if Luke has told her he's into men as well. It's really not my place to say anything about it.

Which is also probably why—along with not wanting to be away from Robbie—Luke wants to have our date at his place.

"He told me you're getting along well."

I can't say I'm proud of the way I swivel around so fast I lose my balance, or at the way my voice squeaks when I ask, "He did?"

"Uh-huh," she says with a sly grin and a nod. "He couldn't stop talking about Robbie when we talked last night—which is understandable, considering—and then about you. He told me you're more of a hero than Captain America and that you're having dinner tonight."

She only raises an eyebrow, which means it's my turn to speak.

Thing is, I haven't told anyone about the date. Well, of course my parents know I'm going out tonight since they're watching Lizzie, but I didn't say who I'm seeing or where I'm going.

I admit defeat and plop back down on the couch. I need to talk to someone about this and my appointment with Dr. Wendy isn't until Friday.

"I have no idea what I'm doing, Gab." I cover my face with my hands and groan long and loud.

"Well, my friends have always told me that for someone who's aro, I give excellent romantic advice, so lay it on me. What's the problem?"

"You know I'm ace." I say while lowering my hands. I'm going all in on her offer to help. She nods for me to go on since we've covered this, so I take a deep breath and do my best to explain my jumbled feelings and thoughts. "Well, I decided about three years ago that I was never going to find love. I just accepted it after trying and trying and trying some more, and always failing, since I couldn't seem to find someone who wanted me but didn't want sex. Someone who could commit to a monogamous relationship with me where they would never get anything sexual from me."

Gab nods understandably but stays silent.

"All I found instead was men who wanted to use me. Men who thought I wouldn't mind if they slept with other people. Men who made me feel like less when I wouldn't sleep with them." Tears start pooling on my lower lashes no matter how hard I try to keep my shit together.

But there's a reason—well, several reasons—why I went with the extreme choice of becoming a single parent through adoption. There's a reason why I lost all hope, and though no one knows about it, I've worked through it, and I've gotten good at living and at being happy after suffering the hardest kind of abuse.

I failed myself three years ago. I wanted things with Jeremy to work so badly, that I gave an inch. He took miles. He went too far, he didn't stop, and so I decided it was better not to even try than to once again risk forgetting that what I want and need, that my limits aren't optional, that I get to have them.

So yeah, talking about it, even indirectly, makes me fucking cry. Sue me.

I take a few deep breaths, and everything I can't find the strength to tell my friends comes pouring out like an unstoppable dam break.

"And then here comes this guy. This gorgeous guy who's so kind, and considerate—even though he didn't remember me the first time we saw each other here—he came to apologize when he could've just shrugged it off, you know?" Again Gab only nods in response, but she also walks over and sits next to me.

I manage a lungful of air when she takes my hand. How can anyone think this woman is only a cunning business woman when she's so full of warmth that I feel like I'm not alone for the first time in years?

Just by holding my hand she's done what not even Dr. Wendy has managed—though she's the best therapist in the world. The lifting of the invisible weight that's been on my shoulders for too long is so startling that a few tears spill out finally.

But I make myself continue, because I fear I might not get it all out otherwise.

"And he's floundering with suddenly being his little brother's guardian. But he asks for help, and he listens. He wants to be better at taking care of Robbie, wants to give him the world. And well, he told me about his past, what he went through, and I just can't believe how fucking strong he is. And he wants to date me ? I still don't understand how that's possible. But he does, and he asked me to dinner. And now I'm so fucking scared that all these good things, all these perfect attributes will be worth shit when he finds out I'm ace."

A hiccupping sob cuts me off because I can't hold it in anymore. Gab grabs my shoulder and pulls me into a warm hug. She croons next to my ear when I drop my forehead on her shoulder and just cry.

"It's okay, Bennett. Let it all out. "

My body shakes with the force of all this fear coming out.

I wanted an appointment to talk about this before the date, but that just wasn't possible. I'll still take the session with Dr. Wendy, but this... it's miraculous, the way it all just leaves me.

"How can I ever hope to find someone right ? Someone just for me? Perfect for me? How can Luke, or hell anyone, ever think I'm enough for them?"

"Sweetie, you're more than enough. I know it's hard to accept, to really believe that, but you are ." I try sucking as much air into my lungs as possible while I process her words.

It's true, really believing I am enough isn't easy. How could I ever, when there's so much evidence to the contrary?

I lean back when she keeps going.

"Now, I hear what you're saying and also what you're not. I don't blame you for stepping away from dating when you've had that kind of experience, and I think it's fucking badass that you started your beautiful family on your own." She winks at me cheekily and I let out a watery laugh. "I also think you're brave as hell for agreeing to a date when you don't know if you'll just get disappointed again. With all of that said." She pauses to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry to tell you Luke is nothing like what your worst fears are expecting. He's a good man, and if he doesn't feel you'll fit well after you tell him you're ace, he'll tell you straight off, and he'll be kind about it."

I look into her eyes for a long second and see she believes what she's saying. Completely. And that makes me let out a relieved breath.

"Okay," I say in a scratchy voice.

"But you have to tell him, Bennett." She has her serious face on—it's not unkind by any means, but it's never been directed at me. The impact is undeniable .

"I will," I reply in a sigh. "I know it's the right thing to do."

"Perfect, then. Now you go home and get ready and fabulous for your date with that hunky man." I snort out a laugh and stand at the same time as she does. "And," she whispers and leans in. "Afterwards, feel free to call me and tell me all about it, okay?"

I let out a louder laugh then. "The way you worship gossip absolutely should go in your autobiography, Gab." I give her a one-armed hug and feel like we've really created a bond when she wraps both arms around me, rests her head against my bicep, and squeezes softly once.

"We'll see about that. Giving away the secrets is part of it, I suppose, but maybe not all the secrets."

"Definitely not all the secrets." I wink at her and she smirks back.

I was crying my eyes out not a half an hour ago, and now I'm walking out of her house with a huge, and more importantly, relaxed smile on my face.

Gab Darnell is magic for sure.