26. Calista

26

CALISTA

T he following day, I'm filled with doubt.

I should have put a stop to Ti's plan when I slid down the back of his bathroom door until my Dior-clad butt hit tile floor. When I couldn't get my heart rate under control and the exercise tracker in my watch thought I was doing cardio.

When the world got a little blurry around the edges and I dipped my forehead to my knees.

Therapy has ensured I haven't had a panic attack in a really long time.

I refuse to call what I'm experiencing today by that name.

Because that girl on the floor pulled herself together. I dabbed at the sweat on my forehead and upper lip. Some sips of cold water straight from the faucet helped.

And then, I breathed deeply three times, told myself I could do this, rolled my shoulders back, and pulled my shit together to walk out of his bathroom and smile at Ti.

Because this is important to him.

I didn't tell him about the panic attack then, but I will later. Just so he knows it happened and I went through with this anyway. I didn't want to put a damper on an event he was really looking forward to. I don't know whether to call it a bridal shower because the men will be there. It's not a traditional bachelor or bachelorette thing either. More like a pre-wedding party where everyone will be together and there will be gifts.

But now, as the clubhouse pulls into view, I want to run. I want to hide.

I can feel my breath becoming shallower. Sweat is gathering on my brow and likely arm pits. I waft my elbows a little to ensure airflow because I don't want sweat marks on this silk.

Ti is wearing his vest that declares his road name to be Vex.

And I don't want to take a footstep into that building.

"You okay?" Ti asks, squeezing my knee.

"Sure," I say breezily, as if I'm not dying a little inside. Like I'm not thinking any further ahead than the next ten seconds.

Ti looks over at me, pride in his eyes. "Did I tell you how good you look in that dress?"

It's covered by a thick overcoat. And I can't remember if he did, or he didn't. There was a tinny taste in my mouth at the time, and I was focused on my shaking knees when he saw me come out of the bathroom. "You could always tell me again."

Ti grins like I'm teasing instead of bluffing. "You look real fucking pretty, Calista. Makes a man proud to walk into a party like this with a woman like you on his arm."

"I don't have an invite or a gift," I say, trying to think of a reason why I maybe shouldn't go inside with Ti.

"No one will be expecting one—plus, I already got ‘em one." He turns to get out of the truck, even opens his door. Then, he spins back onto his seat and slams the door shut. "I'm so fucking stupid." He takes my wrist and presses his fingers to my pulse. "Jesus, Cal. Your heartbeat is racing. You don't want to be here, do you?"

"It's fine," I say. "I'll make it work."

"Calista. Would it kill you to say, ‘Hey, Ti. I'm struggling with PTSD from the last time I came face-to-face with a bunch of Outlaws and I need your help?'"

"Actually, it would. It would make all this harder. I just need to?—"

Ti grabs me around the back of the neck and tugs me to him, a move that does little to prepare me for the sweetest brush of his lips across mine.

It's gentle, and kind, and reassuring. The kind of kiss you really want to believe in.

"Nothing will happen to you, Cal. I promise you. Like I told you this morning when I invited you, I've got you. I've also got two Glocks and a large knife on my belt that have got you. And my best friend, Switch, has got you too. If you're that uncomfortable, I can take you home."

I bite the tip of my tongue. Then, I realize I've got to drop the front I'm putting up. "I'm actually terrified, Ti."

He takes both my hands in his. "Then we have two options: I turn the truck around, we go home, I order some pizza, and we watch a movie. Or I walk around the truck and lift you down and hold your hand until you want to leave. As long as you and I end up in bed together at the end of this day, I don't care how we get there."

A snowball hits the windscreen, making me jump.

Ti lets go of one hand to flip the bird at the one with the facial scar named Niro, who runs inside the clubhouse with a chuckle.

"Will you get into trouble if you don't go in?" I ask.

Ti smiles one of those smiles that always made me want to lean into him when we were younger. It warms the icy layers around my heart. "Let me worry about that."

How can I bear it if the answer to that is actually yes?

"Remember what I said." Ti kisses my knuckles. "Cue Ball and Wrinkle are dead. We did clear out many of the old members recently, so the chances of you seeing someone you know is slim. You see anyone you recognize, you tell me, and I'll remove them, not you."

He gave up a chunk of his life to be an Outlaw because my actions pushed him there.

Come on, Calista. Find your spirit.

I look over to the Iron Outlaws Clubhouse sign on the exterior wall, certain I'm going to be overdressed for a place that doesn't look any more impressive than a roadhouse bar. I see two prospects blowing warm air into their hands as they wait for anything the arriving bikers might need.

"We can leave if I don't feel safe?" I ask. I'm almost embarrassed by how small my voice sounds.

This isn't like me, and that's as unnerving as everything else.

"In a heartbeat," Ti reassures.

"And you'll protect me?"

Ti places his hand to my cheek. "With my life. The only people who know about your past are King and Switch. No one else. Just promise me that no matter what happens today, you'll communicate with me. Part of what happened last time was because we didn't communicate when shit hit the fan. I need to know you won't run in a panic. Not with your stalker still out there."

"I promise. I won't." I blow out a breath. "Okay. Then let's get this over with."

Ti grins, then kisses the back of my hand. "Wait there."

He jumps out of the truck, then hurries around to my door. The lot has been shoveled, and the rough asphalt has enough grip that I won't slip and fall in my heeled boots.

But as soon as the truck door is unlocked, I squeal as Ti lifts me into his arms. "I have an idea to make this a little less overwhelming."

He walks us around the rear of the building and in through a door that leads us into a kitchen.

"What are we doing?"

"Thought I'd show you my office before we make our way to the bar. Fewer people this way. Fewer cuts. More slow and steady."

I step up onto my toes and kiss him. "Thank you. And I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For making today harder than it needs to be for you."

"If I get to spend today with you, whatever it takes is worth it."

Ti pulls me to him. When I'm in my heels, my head hits a little higher on his chest. I can hear his heartbeat, slow and steady. I can feel my own heart slow as I stand quietly in his arms.

"Show me what you do," I say.

And that puts a big smile on his face. "You're gonna love my setup, Cal."

He takes me into what looks like an old in-kitchen pantry as opposed to the large one we just walked through. But when he opens the door, I see a tech setup I'm immediately envious of.

There are banks of monitors on one wall, showing most areas of the clubhouse. I can see people in the main room partying.

He turns on his equipment and walks to the other side of a huge desk on which there are even more monitors.

"From here, I can control and see everything," he says. He clicks a few buttons, and one of the camera feeds appears on the monitor in front of me. "It's the long game. Like a player standing at one end of the pitch, I see everything."

Ti sits on the large chair and tugs me down onto his lap. I can't help but smile at the playfulness of it.

"Tell me some of the things you've done in here," I say. "I mean, I know they're probably club secrets or something, but what you can."

He tucks my head beneath his chin. "The most important thing I've ever done in here is try to find those who were missing for whatever reason. Everyone wears a tracker. Every bike has a tracker." He toggles to an app that shows a map with all the trackers on it, then zooms in.

They're all labelled.

Niro: Bike.

Switch: Truck.

Briar: Person

Iris: Person

And they are all in and around the clubhouse.

"Who goes missing?" I ask.

"Some days it feels like everyone does, at some point." He opens the drawer and pulls out a package. He rips into it, jostling me as he does so. I watch as he activates the black disk and then connects it to the app on his screen. Then, he pulls a box from his pocket. "Picked this up for you this morning."

He opens the box, and inside is a gold locket.

"Oh my gosh. It's beautiful, Ti."

Ti slips the tracker into the locket and snaps it shut. "I want you to wear this. All the time. Never take it off. Even if you go back to California. And I want to set up your phone to connect to mine so I know where you are."

I glance up at him before lifting my hair so he can fasten it around my neck. "I thought you said I'm safe in here."

He touches my cheek tenderly. "You are. It's out there in the world I'm worried about." He tips his chin in the direction of the rear lot of the clubhouse. "You have a stalker."

"I'm taking care of them." I hate the ripple of defensiveness that comes through again. "Sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounds. It's just…I'm putting a lot of money into the problem."

Ti kisses me, more possessively this time. "While you're doing the work to take care of them, let me do the work to take care of you."

"Okay."

"Okay?" he asks.

"Yes. Okay. I'm going to let you take care of me while I'm here."

Ti lifts an eyebrow. "No deal? No arguing with me that you owe me one?"

"Shut up, or I'll change my mind."

Ti's laughter is rich and deep. "This is me shutting up."

He presses his lips to mine again, and I sigh with the warmth and comfort I feel.

"You ready to go out there?" he asks, tipping his head to the monitors.

I look carefully at the screen. No one looks familiar from before. I mean, I see the men who helped me clear out my mother's house, but no one who came into my house the day this all started.

I climb off his lap. "Yes."

He stands, shakes the denim over his knees that wrinkled up while sitting, then slips my coat off my shoulders. "Want to take another look at that ass in that dress," he says.

I slide my hair over my shoulder, then look back at him. "This ass?"

He bites his lip and wrinkles his nose as he looks down my back to my ass. "Finest one I've seen in a long time." He cups both my butt cheeks with his big hands and squeezes them gently. "Want to come all over them."

"Maybe we should have stayed home and done just that."

"Don't tempt me. Now, walk. Want to see your legs in those heeled boots as you strut in front of me."

"No. We enter the room side by side so I can cling to your arm like a limpet while pretending I am totally okay."

Like a hero in a bygone era, Ti offers me his arm. I slip my arm through his. "You're safe," he reminds me.

And while I desperately want to believe him, I don't feel safe anywhere right now.