30. Jude

THIRTY

JUDE

S eptember sailed into October with cold winds, and I stared outside the window at the small whirlwind of fallen browned leaves in the grass. It was a Sunday, and while I'd let the kids run themselves ragged at the park this afternoon, they were still all hyped up. Most likely because they didn't have school tomorrow.

It had been two weeks since I'd seen Brooke at the farmers market. Two weeks since my mother had whispered about how much she thought Brooke was great for me. Two weeks since my father had told me how proud he was of me. Two weeks since I'd witnessed Sebastian let Brooke hug him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Two weeks of Amelia asking if I thought Brooke really hung up her ugly macaroni face.

I didn't know that kindergarteners learned fractions, but I guessed if one-half a face was made out of red macaroni and the other half yellow, I supposed a five-year-old could understand that was ⒈／⒉. Either way, the thing was a nightmare. But yeah, "I'm sure she hung it up."

I knew by now my kids had sensed a shift in my demeanor since that fateful morning. I had needed to touch her, hear her laugh, see her smile in real life to reenergize myself. We had spent these weeks apart so I could focus on my kids, to make sure they were mentally and emotionally healthy, so that when I did take the next steps with Brooke, we would all be able to be happy together.

But it had been killing me. And the kids knew that. They'd been on the receiving end of my occasional outbursts and short fuse. I wasn't like I'd hidden why we were doing this. At least, not after the farmers market.

Even Amelia asked why I hadn't hugged Brooke goodbye.

Seb had stayed silent about his interaction with her, and I hadn't pushed him when we'd gone for ice cream, but I made sure to bring it up in our counseling session, talking about what the future might look like for all of us. The kids drew pictures of what they wanted for themselves now and when they grew up.

Our therapist, a lovely young woman by the name of Dr. Heidi, explained to the kids that I also had certain things I wanted: a house, a family, to be married. And even though I wanted those things, it didn't mean what they wanted would change, now or when they grew up.

It had been a big breakthrough for everyone.

So it shouldn't have surprised me when Sebastian shuffled up next to me by the window. "Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah, buddy?" I glanced over my shoulder at him, stopping short at the serious expression on his face.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." I turned away from the window and directed him to sit at the kitchen table. I'd finished loading the dishwasher from our early dinner when the leaves had caught my eye. But now, I gave my son my full attention. "What's up?"

He chewed on his lip for a few seconds, an inherited nervous tic from Mira. "Are you, like…sad? Because you haven't seen Brooke in a while?"

The question tugged hard at my heart. I exhaled wearily, running a hand through my hair. "Yeah, I am. I was really sad before, but since we saw her the other day, I feel a little better."

"Are you mad at me for it?"

"No, buddy, no." I held his shoulders. "I'm not mad at you. You know how sometimes you feel like nothing's quite going your way, and you don't know who to be mad at? Like, you have a lot of bad luck?"

Seb nodded.

"That's how I feel. I've had a lot of bad luck in my life, and sometimes it's easy to ignore and sometimes it's not. It hasn't been easy lately."

His nose twitched as he contemplated that. Always so thoughtful, my kid. "You really miss her, though?" he asked, nose twitching again, and I assumed this time it was more about emotion and less about making connections in his brain. "You miss her more than you miss Mom?"

I released my grip on him. It wasn't a tough question to answer, but it was tough to explain. "I miss her differently than I miss Mom."

"Brooke told me she loves you."

"Did she?" I tried to keep the shock out of my voice. "When you talked to her?"

He nodded. "She said…"

I noticed his cheeks bloomed red as he blinked a lot. Yep, he was going to cry. I grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter and put it on the table. Because Sebastian hated when people noticed him crying. So, I pretended he wasn't.

"She said she was proud of me."

I scooted my chair closer to his, allowing me to rub his back. "Are you upset about that?"

He shook his head. "I liked it."

"Okay, well, that's good. That?—"

"I feel like I shouldn't like it."

It took me a minute, but I got it. I understood .

"I get it. You're feeling guilty?" I guessed, and when he answered with a tip of his chin, I went on. "I loved your mother for a long time, a really long time, and it took me a while to realize I can still love her and have fun doing things I want to do. I can still love her and love other people. Even though Mommy's not here anymore, you still like to hang out with me, right?"

He picked up the tissue to blow his nose and nodded.

"And I'm pretty sure you still love me, right?"

He laughed, nodding once more.

"You can love other people and still love Mommy. You can live your life even though she's not here, and you know what?" I waited until Sebastian met my gaze to continue. "Mommy would want you to. She wouldn't want you to always be sad about her and always hold back from doing what you love to do. I think if your mom could talk to you right now, she'd tell you that she's happy you talked to Brooke, and she'd tell you she's proud of you. And if she can't be here to tell you that herself, I'm sure she would want other people to tell you that, including Brooke."

I ran my hand over the top of Sebastian's head a few times. "It's okay to like hearing it. It's okay to want hugs from Brooke. It's okay to like hanging out with her. You're not betraying Mommy. You're not hurting her feelings. I know that because I felt that way for a long time too, and I had to learn that just because I love someone else doesn't mean I love her less. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. Makes sense." He nibbled on his lower lip. "I like Brooke."

I smiled, cuffing him lightly on the side of the head. "Me too."

"Do you love her?"

"Yeah, buddy, I do. I love Brooke. I love her like you love Mackenzie Dooling."

He pushed my hand away. "I do not! "

I sat back in my chair, satisfied we'd made it over that hump relatively painlessly. "If you say so."

He scratched at a divot in the table with his index finger. "I was thinking that maybe we should go see her."

"You want to go see Mackenzie?" When he shot me a glare, I held my hands up in innocence. "You want to see Brooke?"

"She told me she wants to play Go Fish with all of us, me, you, Lulu, and her."

I crossed my arms, assessing him. He seemed clear-eyed and, even more, clearheaded. "You ready for that?"

He nodded, his knee bouncing. "Yeah. I think…" He shrugged. "I think it could be fun. I mean, Go Fish is stupid, but whatever. Amelia likes it."

"Amelia does like it," I said and swiped my palm over my mouth and beard. "And you'd be okay doing this more than once? Us hanging out all together?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, or, like, if you wanted to go out on a date or whatever."

"Oh." I waved my hand with a flourish, bowing my head. "Thank you for the permission. I'll remember this when you want to, like, go out on a date or whatever."

He pursed his lips, holding back a smile. I let mine loose, a weight lifted off my chest. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said and stood up from his hair. I didn't go for the hug because he was a cool fifth grader now. I went for the high five instead.

"What do you say we go pay her a visit tonight?"

"Yeah. That'd be cool."

I had my phone in hand immediately. "Tell your sister to put her shoes on."

He pivoted away, yelling, "Amelia! Put your shoes on!"

I texted Brooke.

Where are you?

Brooke

The farm.

We're coming over, and we're bringing Go Fish.

Half an hour later, I parked in my usual spot, the sun already set but the lights of the tiny house on. Brooke was waiting at the door, holding it open for us. Amelia bounced up, flapping the deck. "Hi! Hi! Hi! We're here to play Go Fish. You want to play with us?"

"Yes," she answered, laughing. The sweetest sound in the whole goddamn world.

Next, Sebastian stepped up with the pan of brownies I'd made earlier this morning. He offered her his cool guy head nod. Brooke gave him one back with a wink.

And then it was finally my turn.

"Honeybee." I hooked my arm around her waist and buried my face in her hair. She'd worn it down today, and she smelled of lavender and honey. My favorite. I inhaled deeply, releasing a contented sigh.

I felt her smile against my throat. "You're here. You're all here."

"We are."

She draped her arms around my neck as she pulled back, her eyes crinkling in the corners and glassy. "For good?"

"Forever."

I pulled her to me, kissing her, for the past six weeks, for the last few months, for the years we'd been friends. She tasted sweet like sugar and salty like the tears streaming down her cheeks, caught between our lips. I tunneled my fingers into her hair, angled her head back, and found her tongue with mine.

"Ugh. Gross."

We broke apart, turning to find Sebastian and Amelia standing in the doorway between the kitchen and her office. Him cringing, her clapping. Brooke and I laughed.

I felt high.

Higher than I'd ever been.

I had my kids and Brooke, our future laid out in front of us. Sure, it would be slow going, making sure nobody got left behind, but this was the first step.

"Come on," I said, taking that step with Brooke at my side and the kids in front of me. "Let's play some Go Fish."

We sat on the floor, which seemed much easier for Brooke. "All the yoga," she said. "You should come with me."

I rolled my eyes. Always trying to get me to be healthy.

Sebastian dealt the cards as Amelia curled into Brooke's side, and we played as many rounds as we could, joking and giggling, until my daughter yawned more than she talked.

"I think we've had enough fun for one night," I murmured, gathering her in my arms.

Brooke agreed and piled up our dishes to take to the sink while Seb packed away the cards. We all walked out to my car, where I buckled Amelia into her seat. Brooke leaned in, kissing her temple. "Sweet dreams."

"Night night, Brooookie."

Brooke smiled and brushed her palm over Amelia's curls then looked to Sebastian. "Thanks for coming over tonight. I had fun."

"Me too."

"Want to do it again?"

The shadows couldn't hide his smile as he opened the car door. "Yeah."

With the kids in the back seat, I laced my fingers with Brooke's, tugging her toward me. Or maybe I floated toward her. Couldn't quite be sure with how my feet didn't touch the ground.

"I didn't think I'd get another shot at being happy," I told her, and she smoothed her hands up my chest to curl around the nape of my neck. "You are literally a dream come true. I hope you know that."

"I hope you know you're never getting rid of me. I'm supergluing myself to you."

"Stuck like a barnacle," I suggested, earning a quiet giggle.

She nodded, happy with herself. "Never leaving."

"Like a bad rash."

That got me a huge guffaw, and I bent to kiss her throat when she tossed her head back, laughing.

"You and me, friend," she said once her amusement subsided. "Best friends for infinity."

I held up our linked hands between us. "Double infinity."

I started to kiss her again, but Sebastian stuck his head out of the window. "Can we go now?"

Brooke snorted a laugh and pushed me away, telling my kid, "Yeah, you can go now."

I dropped down behind the wheel, turned the ignition over, and rolled down the window. "I love you."

"I know." She smiled and waved. "I love you too."

"I know."