24. Jude

TWENTY-FOUR

JUDE

B anging on the staircase woke me, my eyes shooting open. It was Seb. He always sounded like an elephant stomping around.

"Dad! Wake up! You have to check your email."

I sat up, the bedsheet shifting with my movement, revealing Brooke's shoulder, and multiple things hit me at once.

Number one, we'd forgotten to set an alarm last night.

Number two, it was after eight o'clock in the morning.

Number three, Sebastian was about to see Brooke in my bed.

And right on cue, he flung open the door, popping his head about the frame. "Dad, I was messaging with Landon. They sent out the email for who made the team. You have to check to see?—"

His attention slanted from me to Brooke, and I had no time to do anything.

"Seb," I started at the same time Brooke lurched awake next to me, jackhammering up in bed with wide-eyed confusion. My son's face drained of color, and I lifted my hand. To do what, I didn't know. "Buddy, I?— "

"I hate you!" His face went from pale to bright red in less than a second. "I hate you!" He fisted his hands at his sides, his head toggling back and forth as he screamed at Brooke and me. "I fucking hate both of you!"

Then he pivoted and ran.

By the time I pulled myself together and out of my state of shock, the front door slammed. I leaped out of bed, tugged on my shorts and shirt from the floor, and raced outside but didn't see him anywhere. Running around to the back of the house, I searched the backyard, but he was nowhere to be found. I called his name, shouting for him, but even if he heard me, I doubted he'd answer.

"Shit. Fuck." I jogged back inside to find Brooke in the kitchen holding Amelia, who waved Seb's iPad at me.

"Brother forgot this in my bed. He-he said we could watch Bluey together."

I ignored her, telling Brooke, "I don't know where he went. Can you stay with her so I can go look for him?"

"Yes. Of course."

I started to my room, though she stopped me with a soft, almost pained, "Although I can't stay long. My appointment's at ten."

I thumped the side of my fist against the wall as I silently cursed. "Okay, lemme… I'll figure it out."

I slipped into my sneakers and ran the toothbrush over my teeth for a few seconds before splashing cold water on my face. I needed to think. Needed a plan. I needed help in finding Sebastian. The idea that he'd run away from home terrified and shamed me. He could literally be anywhere, have gone anywhere, been taken…

Keeling over, I put my hands on my knees to catch my breath before I had a panic attack.

"Hey, it's going to be all right. We'll find him." Brooke stood in front of me, her bare feet in my line of sight.

"What if… I didn't… "

"Don't think of the what-ifs. He's upset and ran away. He won't be able to get that far. He might even come back after he runs it off."

Standing up straight, I wiped at my face. "How long can you stay here?"

She checked the time on her phone. "Half hour. Maybe a little longer. But I need to go home and change. I'm really sorry I can't stay. I would, but rescheduling is a nightmare and?—"

"It's fine. It's fine." I rushed past her after a quick peck on the forehead.

I was being pulled in different directions, torn apart. Sebastian was out there alone somewhere because he'd been blindsided. And Brooke needed me, needed my support for her oncology checkup that could determine…everything.

Guilt and fear waged war inside me, and I raked my hands through my hair. How had I let this spiral so quickly? I should have been more careful, more considerate of Sebastian's feelings. Introducing Brooke into our lives was going to be a huge adjustment, and I'd naively thought I could control the situation.

I drew my phone from my pocket with trembling fingers, firing off a text to the group thread.

Seb saw Brooke at my place this morning and ran off. I need to find him, but Brooke has a doctor appt she can't miss. Nate, I need you over here to stay with Amelia ASAP.

Nate

Omw

Dylan

Duck

Dylan

FUCK

Dylan

i'm at work but Gen's home with the kids if u need anything

Liam

What can I do?

I dropped a kiss on Amelia's head as she ate breakfast in the kitchen before heading out to my car and sent off another message.

Start thinking of a list of places he might go? I don't know.

I'm freaking out.

Nate

8 minutes away.

Liam

Try to stay calm. Call your parents. He might go there.

I turned the ignition over and set out, determined to drive in consecutively larger circles, like a bull's-eyes with my house at the target. Brooke was right. He was on foot; he wouldn't be able to get that far.

Though he was pretty fast.

As I drove, I called my mom then Youmna, telling each of them the same thing. First, not to panic—which, of course, made them panic and set mine to an even higher notch—and that I would explain everything later, but Seb had run away and to let me know if he showed up at their house.

Mom immediately put me on speaker and ordered my dad to get in the car to start looking.

Youmna immediately started yelling at George in Arabic. I assumed to get in the car and start looking .

Both of them were worried for Sebastian and for me but were understanding. A little too understanding.

I might have felt better if they got mad at me. Screamed at me for being a bad parent.

Neither of them did so.

And I'd never felt more guilt and humiliation than when I hung up with them. I'd messed up. Messed up so bad my kid had run away.

My vision blurred, and I slammed my hand on the steering wheel, accidentally honking the horn, before I pulled over. I had to clear my eyes and head, and once I parked, I stepped out of the car, only to kick the tire, letting myself cry and curse and free all of my anger.

Sebastian had been begging me for a cell phone, but I'd held off, reasoning he could use his iPad to communicate with his friends. He didn't need a cell phone. He was too young.

Well.

He needed a cell phone now.

He had no way of calling or texting me. No way of letting me know where he was. If he needed me. If he was hurt. If…

I hung my head, crying into my hands, praying, asking Mira to help.

I'd lost our son.

I'd hurt our son.

This was my fault, and I needed to fix it.

Mira didn't answer my silent pleas, and I wiped the collar of my shirt over my face. Sniffling a few times, I sat back behind the wheel once again and set off.

My heart pounded in my ears as I drove aimlessly, scouring every street and park for any sign of Sebastian. Each minute that ticked by ratcheted my anxiety higher, but I found my mind drifting to Brooke.

By now, she was probably in the waiting room, and I hoped to God everything went well. I couldn't handle one more bad situation.

With no messages from her or Nate, I figured everything was still good at home, so I focused on finding Sebastian.

I had to find him. Had to find my son.

After driving for another hour with no sign of him, I picked up my phone, intent on calling my mother again to let her know I was going to call the police, but a text popped up.

Dylan

maybe he went to the baseball field

Baseball.

Fuck.

I opened my email app to find one from the coach of the traveling team. I scanned the short paragraph. Sebastian didn't make the team.

Chest aching, I hooked a right turn, speeding toward the community baseball fields on the west side of town. A few minutes of hoping and sweating gave way to the familiar view of the park and field, surrounded by a chain link fence.

I pulled into the empty parking lot, haphazardly throwing the car into park before scrambling out. My feet pounded against the pavement as I raced to the baseball diamond, scanning the bleachers in desperation.

And there .

There he was.

Huddled on the bench in the dugout.

My boy.