23. Brooke

TWENTY-THREE

brOOKE

Jude

Seb finished with the tryouts.

How was it?

Jude

Good. I think.

Jude

But it was so bizarre. Parents were sitting around watching like it was professionals or something.

Yeah, I remember when I played travel soccer as a kid. Parents can be intense. Did you feel uncomfy?

Jude

Yep.

Jude

Me and Lulu took a walk. I didn't think Seb would like me looking over his shoulder. And it's not like a game, where I can cheer him on.

Jude

It's nerve-racking.

Totally.

What are you doing now?

Jude

Going home to change and grab lunch then meet the guys at Imagination for a playdate.

I think you guys enjoy your playdates more than the kids.

Jude

High probability.

Jude

What are you up to today?

I'm at the farm, doing some banking. Nicole ran the stand at the market by herself yesterday so I'm giving her a few extra bucks in her envelope next week, and Gunner should be here soon so we can pack up this week's co-op deliveries.

Jude

Got anything not green?

Some red bell peppers.

You need to start eating better.

Jude

No thanks.

Listen, pal.

Jude

They don't taste good.

I need you around for a long time. You better start eating some greens, or I'm gonna shove them down your throat.

Jude

So violent.

The problem is you don't know how to cook them. Wait until you try my sweet-and-spicy chicken and brussels sprouts.

Jude

I'll eat the chicken.

Your insides must look like rock candy.

Jude

Most definitely.

Three hours later…

Jude

FYI

Jude

I gave Liam your number because Kennedy is interested in joining the co-op.

Jude

How much of a cut do I get for that?

I'm paying you in free vegetables.

Jude

That's literally the worst payment plan anyone could have.

Jude

I'm taking the kids out for dinner. Might ease into the idea of you.

Good luck.

Five hours later…

Since you never texted, I'm assuming it went badly.

Jude

It didn't really go at all.

Jude

I asked them what they thought of you. Amelia said you have pretty hair and that you're really good at Go Fish. Seb asked why.

Jude

I told him that you're my good friend, so then he said it's weird you and me are friends. He said, and I quote:

Jude

"Your friends are Uncle Nate, Uncle Dylan, and Uncle Liam. Do you want us to start calling her Aunt Brooke?"

I think I just got the same feeling in my stomach that you get when you eat anything green.

Jude

Yeah. So I dropped it for now.

Jude

What are you up to?

Nothing.

Stressing.

Jude

Over what? Sebastian? Because it's fine. It'll be fine.

No. I know that. I'm stressed over my appointment tomorrow.

Jude

What appointment?

My oncology check-in.

Jude

You didn't tell me you had an appointment.

Well, between all the BIG FEELINGS this weekend…

Jude

Don't forget the BIG SEX.

Yes. Of course. So between all of that, when was I going to tell you?

But it's not a big deal. Only my annual appointment to make sure everything looks good. No reoccurrences. I'll probably get a blood test.

Jude

I love you.

I know.

Jude

Make me the brussels sprouts. I'll eat them.

Ok.

I love you.

Jude

I know.

An hour later…

Jude

Are you asleep yet?

Nope. Can't sleep.

Jude

Come over.

What about the kids?

Jude

They're asleep. Come sleep with me. We'll set the alarm to wake up before them.

Be over in a bit.

I parked in front of Jude's house, seeing every light in the house was off, confirming that the kids were indeed fast asleep. The tight knot of nerves that had taken up residence in the pit of my stomach loosened as I opened my car door, and it almost completely dissipated when I spotted him standing at the front door, waiting for me, haloed by a single porch light.

Late-night sounds of crickets and the rustle of wind sent goose bumps down my arms, even in the hot August air, as I stepped out of my car. I made my way up the sidewalk leading to the front door and rubbed my hands over my biceps. It didn't occur to me until right this second that as soon as Jude told me to come over, I'd hopped out of bed, not bothering to change or throw anything over the overly large T-shirt that hung off my shoulder and the tiny cotton shorts I wore. I'd merely slid into a pair of flip-flops and snatched my bag from the kitchen counter.

"You cold?" Jude asked as I reached him .

"I didn't think about putting on different clothes, and now that I'm here, I?—"

"You're fine." He cupped the back of my neck and brought his lips to mine in a searing, breathless kiss that obliterated every last ounce of self-consciousness. I rose up onto my toes, winding my arms around his neck.

Had it been last night he'd left my condo after tying my wrists together?

Felt longer.

And like only five minutes ago.

I supposed it had been a long time since I'd wanted to only ever be around one person. Not since I was a teenager and a twentysomething. Not since I didn't have much to lose.

Now, we were real adults with a lot of responsibilities. There didn't seem to be enough time to work out this new, clawing need that had suddenly taken root. Nothing but his familiar scent and taste would relieve it.

When we finally broke apart, a lopsided grin slid across his face. "I missed you."

I touched three fingers to my mouth, agreeing with a hum. "Feels like it."

His rough midnight laugh soothed me, and I wrapped my arm around his waist when he looped his arm around my shoulders. "Come on. Let's go to bed."

The kids' rooms were on the first floor, so we had to be quiet as we snuck up the creaky staircase. We crept into Jude's bedroom, and as soon as we turned the corner, he closed the door and pulled me into him, lifting me up in a bear hug.

The ultimate teddy bear of a man. As squishy on the inside as on the outside. I tucked my face into his neck, the bristles of his beard tickling my temple, my new favorite spot, where I could enjoy his warmth and hear his gentle breathing, feel his heartbeat.

"You all right?" he asked, setting me down.

I backed up, my palms on his pecs. "I am now. "

He kissed my forehead and gestured for me to get into bed, so I did, though it didn't escape my notice that this was the same bed and bedroom he had shared with Mira.

"Is this okay?"

He shucked off his mesh shorts along with his T-shirt then hit the light and crawled in next to me in only his boxer briefs. "What do you mean?"

We rolled toward each other in the dark. "Me being here. In your bed."

He understood my meaning and exhaled audibly as he lay on his back. I held my head up in my hand, my sight acclimating to the darkness as I waited while he gathered his thoughts. I drew my fingertips over his beard to rest at the base of his throat, feeling the vibration when he spoke.

"I like that you're here. I want you to be here, but yeah, it's…different."

I heard more than saw him scratch his jaw, his fingers moving over the bristles.

"No one has slept in bed with me since Mira died. No one outside of my kids. How do you feel being here?"

Scooting over to lay my head on his shoulder, I placed my hand over his heart. "I didn't know if you'd ever invite me over like this." I swallowed, thinking about my wording. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but we also needed to have this conversation. "I know Mira was a huge part of your life. She still is. I know you love me, and I don't think I'm a particularly jealous person, but… It's impossible for you, for the kids, even me, to forget about her, and I don't want to be compared to a ghost."

Jude rubbed his hand up and down my back, remaining quiet, and I lifted my head. "Am I the asshole? I don't want it to sound like you can't?—"

"You're not the asshole. It doesn't sound like anything besides honesty, and that's what we need."

I tucked my head back down, listening to his heartbeat and then the low rumble of his voice. "I don't compare you, if that's something you're worried about. What I had with Mira is totally different and separate from what I have with you. And I guess, sometimes it is easy to romanticize it because we had a good life. My marriage was good. I loved her very much, and in some ways, that love is still very real. I'm sure that's probably really hard to hear, and I'm sorry."

I blinked at the sting in my eyes, and he kissed the top of my head. "Sometimes I think about different timelines. Alternative lives, you know? Like, in another timeline, Mira is still alive and we're still married and everything is great. But in another one, Mira and I were never even together because I never got up the guts to ask her out in high school, or she would've said no, or her parents wouldn't have allowed us to go out. Her parents were really strict," he said, almost as an afterthought. "But in this life, the only one I've got, Mira isn't here anymore. You are. And if she hadn't died, I probably would've never become so close to you. I'd never have learned how wonderful you are. How smart and kind and brave you are. If there is anything I can promise you, it's that I am not comparing you to the past. You are truly the one person to remind me to keep living for the future."

He cupped the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my hair. "You are my future, Brooke. For as long as you'll have me and for as long as the universe allows, I want to be with you."

I dabbed at the tears on my cheeks, nodding, because I couldn't speak.

"I don't think it'll be easy. But I do think it'll be amazing." He rotated us so he was above me, his thumbs swiping under my eyes. "I love you."

"I know," I croaked.

"I'll need you to be patient."

"I know that too."

Even in the dark, his grin glowed. "I've been thinking more and more about this house. It was never the plan to stay here. It's small, and the kids are getting bigger, and only having one full bathroom sucks."

"So you think you'll be moving soon?"

"Soonish." He shrugged. "Maybe."

I sniffed a laugh. "I love you."

"I know." He bent to kiss me, but my yawn interrupted him. So he redirected his kiss to my cheek as he lay on his side, sliding his arm around my waist. "Sleep now, honeybee. I got you."

And he did. So I closed my eyes and slept.