17. Jude

SEVENTEEN

JUDE

I 'd been in Sebastian's bed for about forty-five minutes, my head laid on a pillow propped up against the headboard and my legs crossed at the ankles, thinking about Brooke and the barely audible moans that escaped her throat as I licked into her mouth. Too much and yet not enough.

My date with Emma had been great. She was a recent divorcée with one kid and wasn't looking to jump into anything serious. Perfect situation for me.

Except Brooke had strutted into my house with her cutoff denim shorts and loose Freddie Mercury T-shirt, worn so thoroughly I could tell her bra was purple. I'd had the urge to text Emma, call off the date, and tunnel my fingers into Brooke's hair. She'd smelled so good, and a few hours with my head in her lap while we watched a movie sounded like the perfect night.

But that was impossible. Not with the kids around.

I already knew Amelia was attached to Brooke, and I didn't want to put any more ideas in her head. And Sebastian? He was onto me.

So, it didn't surprise me when he sat up, the star lights strung along the ceiling illuminating the room enough that we could see each other well. "Where did you go tonight?"

"I told you a meeting. I?—"

His face scrunched. "Was it a date?"

I couldn't lie to him. After a harsh exhale and a scrub of my hair, I met his gaze, unflinching for a ten-year-old. "Yeah."

That wrinkled suspicious expression turned venomous, though he stayed silent.

"Listen," I started, unsure where I planned on going, but it didn't matter. He flipped over, giving me his back.

But since he didn't tell me to leave, I assumed he wanted me to stay. And I did.

I pulled my cell phone from my pocket, texting Brooke to thank her for coming over and nearly describing Seb's reaction, but I didn't know what to say about it. I didn't even know how I felt about it.

I understood why he was upset. He probably assumed I'd forget his mom or try to replace her. Yet, I wasn't getting married. I wasn't bringing anyone home, and it wasn't like I could discuss the nuances of adult sexual relationships.

For now, I had to leave it.

At least until tomorrow.

After Seb finally fell asleep, I snuck out of his room and padded upstairs to my bedroom. To the bedroom that still looked almost exactly the same since Mira had decided we would paint it beige with an "accent" navy wall behind the bed. What did I know? Nothing. My job was simply to nod and paint the damn wall twice because, originally, she'd wanted it a lighter blue and then didn't like the finished product. The argument had begun after I'd told her she could repaint it if she wanted, and it had ended with me storming out of the house after finally hollering I didn't give a shit what color it was. I'd only wanted to be done.

But she'd been a perfectionist. Never settled and never backed down from a fight. She was sweet as pie and relentless when she thought she was right.

I sniffed a laugh at the memory, skimming my fingers over the blue wall as I sat on the bed to peel off my socks, shorts, and shirt, tossing them all in the corner. I didn't even bother taking off my underwear, only shoved them down far enough to curl my hand around my cock, squeezing it roughly and closing my eyes. Until recently, this was what I'd done, taken myself in hand to get myself off because I didn't have any other release, but since Brooke and I had started experimenting, I hadn't needed to.

Now, I thought of her giggling as she ran from me on her farm, the red of her cheeks as she sucked me off, the feel of her hair gripped in my fist. I remembered my mouth buried between her legs and how I'd hated to brush my teeth that night, ridding myself of the last vestiges of her flavor from my beard when I'd washed my face. I thought of the way her hips had bucked and rolled, how she'd stared at me with a drowsy smile. I recalled that first night on the couch, how she'd trusted me to give her everything she wanted. How she'd told me exactly what she needed and hadn't held back. How she'd understood what I needed and offered it being asked.

I came quickly and opened my eyes, standing up from the bed, but instead of trekking to the bathroom, I considered my bedroom. Wondered if it was time to change it. If it was time to finally move.

With a shake of my head that did nothing to clear it, I stalked to the bathroom and cleaned up before scrutinizing myself in the mirror. I didn't think I appeared a lot different. But I felt different. I had cut my hair and trimmed my beard, that was new, although the few freckles that always appeared under the summer sun weren't unusual. My eyes looked the same, maybe less tired. I had lost a few pounds, so that might've been the reason why my posture had changed .

And—I laughed.

Why was I lying to myself?

If I couldn't be honest with myself, I wouldn't be able to be honest with anyone else. At least, that was what my therapist always told me.

So, truth, I was in love with my best friend .

The silence on the drive to Sebastian's baseball practice was deafening. Even Amelia seemed to know something was off and kept herself busy, playing with the toys she'd brought in the car. I kept glancing at Seb in the rearview mirror, but he remained stoic, staring out of his window, brow furrowed.

When we arrived at the field, he jumped out without a word, so I took Lulu's hand and headed toward the playground at the other end of the park when I didn't see Dylan's kids in the stands. It must've been their mom's weekend.

I pushed her on the swings for a while then we stared at the clouds, trying to find shapes. When she got tired of that, she played the game where she pretended to be different animals, and I had to guess which ones. They were almost always unicorns or bunny rabbits.

After walking back to the field, we sat in the stands so I could watch the end of practice while Amelia played on my phone. Seb looked good, getting better and better. Certainly took after his mother in the athletic department.

The team finished up their drills, and when Dylan told them to run laps, I made my way down to him. "How'd it go today?"

"Good." He kept his attention on his players and crossed his arms, even as he angled toward me. "There was some talk today about the traveling team. One of the boys brought it up, and then none of them could shut up about it. Thought I'd give you a heads-up Seb seemed real interested. "

"Yeah? What do you think about it?"

He didn't answer for a minute, removing his cap from his head to curve the brim more before putting it back on. "These traveling teams, they're intense."

"Did you do them?"

"Baseball was all I did. Took up all my time." He met my gaze then. "It's an expensive commitment, and the parents… It can get really political with tryouts. I think kids should have fun, you know? Playing sports is supposed to be fun. Not everybody is going pro, and even if you do…" He vaguely motioned to himself.

Dylan had been drafted into the MLB, but his career had stalled after only a few seasons because of injuries. He was eventually released from his contract, and now he coached nine- and ten-year-olds.

"I guess if he wants to try out, I'll cross that bridge with him about commitment when we get to it," I said, watching Seb laugh with his friends. "Maybe it'll score me some points."

"Why? What happened?"

"He asked if I went on a date last night, and I couldn't lie to him, so…" I shrugged. "He's pissed at me."

Dylan grunted. "I could tell something was off about him today."

"He hasn't talked to me all day."

"Sorry, man," Dylan said with a flick of his gaze to me before shouting to the team, "Round it up!"

They all gathered together with their hands in the middle of the circle and chanted their team name before breaking up.

When Dylan took his place back at my side, he asked, "He know about you and Brooke?"

I shook my head. "And I'm not sure what to tell him either. It's not like I know what Brooke and I are."

He smirked.

" What ? "

He rubbed his palm over his mouth, his voice low. "You're a dumb motherfucker if you don't know it's written all over your face. Hers too."

I huffed because this grumpy son of a bitch hadn't known his head from his ass until Evie showed up. He certainly didn't know anything about Brooke and me. "Our faces are fine."

He stayed silent but nodded sarcastically, gesturing for me to follow him to help put away the equipment. Once we finished, he clapped my shoulder. "Lemme know if you want me to talk to Seb."

"Talk to Seb? Why would I need you to do that?"

He shrugged. "I figured it might be easier for me to talk to him about what's going on in his life."

I didn't know what offended me more, having my friend point out to me that he might be able to do a better job of communicating with my kid or that Seb would remain upset with me.

"Sometimes it's easier with someone on the outside, you know? You're his dad, but I'm his coach. His uncle."

He had a point, and my shoulders shrank at the idea that I might be out of my depth on this.

I motioned for Amelia and Sebastian to meet me by the fence as Dylan told me, "Hey, it'll be all right. You'll get through this."

I accepted his words with a nod and one-armed hug. "Thanks. I'll see you later."

"Later." He ruffled Amelia's hair and fist-bumped with Sebastian. "Bye, Lulu. Seb, nice work today."

They waved to their uncle in every sense of the word but biological, and we hopped back into my car. I might've been on my son's shit list, but I knew the surefire way to get off it. "Who's up for Red Robin's?"

Amelia shot her hand up, bouncing in her car seat, and I looked to Sebastian. He couldn't hide his growing smile. My kids loved bottomless fries. Hell, who didn't?