CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Maven

Islowly open my eyes, and it takes me about ten seconds to remember how I got here, and who is in my house. I scoot out of bed and pad gingerly across the wood floor to the door, placing my ear against it for any sounds on the other side. I hear him in the kitchen, and then I notice a sweet aroma drifting into my room.

He's cooking. Of course he knows how to cook too. What doesn't he know how to do?

I quickly change into some clean clothes, run a hand through my tangled hair, and pull it up into a bun before I carefully open the door. Renn immediately turns at the sound.

"Hey, good morning," he says casually, like it's completely normal for him to be here, making breakfast in my kitchen, like he's done this a hundred times before. But then I notice he's still wearing the clothes he wore yesterday, and that does something to me.

He never left. He was here all night.

"You stayed," I say, softly. That's all I can think about at the moment, and I'm trying to hold back the emotion building in my chest.

"Well, I did go home to grab Shy," he says, nodding over to the couch where she nonchalantly lounges. "But yeah. I stayed." We stand there for a beat or two.

"I'll be right back," I say.

Without waiting for a response, I speedwalk to the bathroom to freshen up a bit and try to gather myself. I properly brush my hair, brush my teeth, and wash my face to try to liven up my complexion before I head back out to the kitchen. I find Renn sitting at the table with an assortment of breakfast food in front of him: some chopped fruit, perfectly fluffy pancakes, and a steamy, fresh cup of coffee next to the plate he laid out for me.

"Hungry?"

"Very." I smile taking a seat across from him. We eat in silence for a minute, the only sound is our forks scratching against the plates, but I fidget in my seat because I feel like I need to say something. But what? Thanks for talking me through my emotional breakdown? I mean that was exactly what he did, but would it feel weird to say it aloud?

"This is delicious. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I haven't had a breakfast like this for a while. I usually get something to grab and go."

"And you don"t have anywhere to go this morning?" I ask, lighthearted but curious.

Renn grins. "Not at the moment, no."

I give him a smirk and take a long sip of coffee, hoping it can somehow give me courage. Be brave. Let's get this over with, I think to myself.

"So, about last night . . ." I pause when he looks at me with a serious expression. "That was probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me." And I mean it, but he knows there's something more.

"But?" He leans forward.

"I'm just a little embarrassed. Really embarrassed, actually."

He looks at me, confused.

"Why are you embarrassed?"

Is he really going to make me spell it out for him?I feel my face get hot.

"I mean . . . it was pretty pathetic. So, yeah, I'm embarrassed."

Renn rests his elbows on the table, crossing his arms in front of himself. His gray eyes hold mine, and I don't dare take my gaze away from him.

"That's not what I saw." His tone is so serious in that deep, luring voice. I can feel my face blush again, and the goosebumps rise on my skin. "I saw someone who is strong. Who is living day after day with a burden that they carry alone, and yet, you still go on. You're still here. You're trying." I want to look away from his stormy eyes, but it's impossible, so I just shake my head. "You are kind and genuine, even when you have every excuse not to be. That's not someone who is weak or pathetic. I saw someone being the strongest a person could be, and that's you, Maven."

Tears blur my vision, but this time, they aren't tears of sadness, rather, they're a revelation. That he truly sees this side of me but doesn't run away from it. That I'm not the horrible human being I see myself as. That he only sees me. But I need to tell him the whole story, and it's not surprising that being with Renn helps the words easily come to my mind.

"Has anyone ever told you about the accident? The whole story?"

He shakes his head. "Only that you and your father were in the car together."

I gulp and realize that the words I'm about to say are words I've never said out loud to anyone. Not even my mom.

"It was my fault that we crashed that night. I was driving. My dad was the passenger."

Renn's eyes stay on me as I say this, his face calm.

"My dad and I went into town that night—just the two of us—to get a treat after dinner. But what I didn't know was that my dad wanted to use this particular trip to talk to me about Jamie." Renn crosses his arms at the mention of Jamie's name. "He told me that I could do better, and he was worried about what could happen if I wasn't careful. I had just started my career, and things were going well, but I guess he was worried about Jamie messing it all up for me. I was young and stupid. I thought what Jamie and I had was a good thing."

I lick my lips. "Instead of hearing him out, I just became angry. I didn't want him to tell me what he thought was best for me. We got into a big argument, and I eventually stomped out of the restaurant to the car. As we were driving home, a bad storm came out of nowhere. My dad told me to pull over so he could drive, but I told him no." I take in a shaky breath. "And that was the last thing I remember before I woke up in the hospital three weeks later." Renn deeply inhales at the words but remains silent. "I had driven off the road and crashed into a tree. My dad had been killed on impact." I need to get through the whole thing. If I lose it now, I won't ever be able to get it out. "I broke both my legs and fractured my back. I was put into a medically induced coma because of my head injuries." As I say this, it doesn't go unnoticed that Renn's fingers flex slightly as they rest on his forearms. "When I woke up, I couldn't talk or move, but I could see and hear, and when I opened my eyes, my mom took my hand, and I knew from the look on her face that he was gone.

I choke on the words for a moment—the memory is so clear in my mind.

"The doctors told us that it would be a long and difficult road of recovery, and there was a chance I'd never walk again. Miraculously, my brain remained unharmed, but I wasn't able to stand on my own until a year later and couldn't walk without support for several months. It took countless hours of therapy and a handful of surgeries to get me where I am today. I pushed myself to my limits to heal. I threw everything I had into beating the odds. People tell me, ‘You're amazing, Maven. You should be proud of yourself.' But I'm not proud, not even a little bit. The truth is, I did it because it was a distraction from facing what I had done. From the fact that my dad was dead because of me and everyone knew it, but they never said it, at least not to my face." I exhale and catch my breath. "My mom. I don't know how she can even look at me. I . . . I killed her husband."

Renn stands abruptly and walks over to my side of the table, pulling his chair with him so he can sit next to me, facing me. He subconsciously pulls the sleeves of his shirt up his forearms, and a flutter in my stomach goes wild as he rests them on his knees, leaning forward a little.

"It was an accident. Your mom knows that. Everyone knows that." I shrug in response. "You can't see it as all or nothing. No one knows what could have happened if things were different that night."

I take in his words for a beat or two.

"But it happened. I lived. He's gone. And now because of what I did . . . it's left a darkness in me that I don't think will ever heal. I can't fix it like my broken bones. It's like an open wound on my heart—this dark mark that is part of me forever."

Renn ponders this, and his face holds a saddened expression for a moment. "Maven." My name on his lips. "Everyone has some version of darkness in them. Some more, some less. It's not about removing the darkness, but how we learn to live with it. How to accept it as a part of us, and what you do next."

I like the idea, especially since it comes from Renn, but that can't be true for everyone. Right?

"How can you be so sure?" I ask.

He doesn't say anything for a long moment, but then he reaches under his shirt collar to grab the necklace he always wears, pulling it out so I can see it fully. On the end of the chain, there's a thin, metal rectangle with something engraved on it. I lean forward to look at it a bit closer.

He lays it flat against his palm so I can observe the fine-lined imprints of a small sun, moon, and a star.

"My father was gone a lot for his job before I was born, so he gave this to my mom."

I'm surprised he's speaking of his parents, because I know he never has with anyone.

He continues, "My dad kept this when my mom passed, then he gave it to me when I was older. He told me that he loved my mother as gentle as the moonlight but as fierce as the sun and endless like the stars." I can't help but grin wide at the sentiment. Renn chuckles softly. "I know, it's a bit much, isn't it?"

I shake my head. "Not at all. It's lovely." He smiles warmly at me, but his face becomes serious again as he looks back down at the necklace.

"My mother died when I was born. She had a rare blood disorder that made her pregnancy with me dangerous, and it was even more so when in labor." I watch as he rubs the indents with his thumb. It looks so delicate in his slender fingers and strong hand, and for a moment, he seems lost in a daydream. I try to picture Renn as a young boy and wonder if he looks more like his father or mother. "My dad was never around growing up. I was raised mostly by my grandparents—my mother's parents. They tried their best to cover the fact that it was difficult for my dad to be around me because I was alive and my mother was not." This saddens me to my core, and my heart breaks for him. "But I only lived with them for a short time before I went to a—" He stops, like he doesn't know the word to say, but then says. "A boarding school when I was fourteen."

So young. And to have grown up without a mother . . . then his father abandoning him. I think back to what Renn said that day on the sidewalk, that our parents would do anything to shield us from those difficult parts of life. I see that realization on his face, like he remembers the moment too. In this case, it was his grandparents.

"Renn, I don't think that's true. I'm sure he loves you."

"Maybe he did, but it doesn't matter now." He smiles sadly. Did.

"He died two years after I'd left for school. He had a dangerous job, so to speak."

I don't realize I am crying until I feel a couple of tears slide down my cheek.

He clears his throat, and I can see the emotion thrumming in him. "After some time, I realized that it wasn't about me. I think he loved my mother so much that, maybe with her gone, he simply had no love left to give."

I continue to let the tears fall, one by one, and I can't seem to stop them. My heart aches for him. I wonder what his parents would say if they saw the strong, wonderful man he has become. He lost both of them, tragically. And he said I'm strong?

The fact that he is the man he is—kind, gentle, smart—even after all he's been through, his own strength is far beyond what he thinks he sees in me.

"Are you grandparents still alive?"

He shakes his head. "They lived long, happy lives, but they have passed on." I dab at my eyes lightly, and Renn licks his bottom lip before he speaks again. "I've been through some dark times. There have been times in my life when those dark places were almost unbearable. Hopelessness was all there was, and it felt like there was no way out besides not being alive anymore to feel it."

He closes his eyes, his breathing changing, and then all at once, the realization hits me hard in the chest—the deeper reason he came here, and why he refused to leave.

"Oh, Renn . . ." I place a hand over my heart. "I don't know what to say."

He rubs a hand along his jaw, and I see tears brim in his eyes.

"I don't ever want to assume anything, but I have thought about it . . . that if I were no longer here, it would be better, and I didn't want you to think . . . I'm not saying that you would ever . . ." He stops, pinching the bridge of his nose before looking back at me. "I was out of line. I should never assume anything. I'm sorry."

I reach for him, pulling his hands into mine. He stares at our hands for a moment, fingers tangled together before he goes on. "I shouldn't have pushed into your life like that. I'm sorry if I crossed a line. That was never my intention."

"I know, Renn. I know," I say softly.

"I was just so scared, Maven." His voice is strained, and he has to look away. I squeeze his hand, hoping to reassure him that I understand. "I didn't want you to face it alone like I had to."

I wrack my brain, searching for something profound to say. My heart is just heavy with gratefulness for all he has done for me. Because he's not wrong; I honestly can't say what would have happened if he hadn't come over. I hope that I would have snapped out of it eventually, but it terrifies me that there's a part of me that knows it could have gone another way just as easily.

"Renn. It's okay."

Relief spreads across his face. "I still carry my own demons day after day. I hope someday I will be strong enough to tell you about them. But for now, I hope you understand why I did what I did."

"I do understand, and I'm not mad one bit. What you did . . . it means the world to me."

He parts his lips to say something, but his phone starts buzzing, breaking the moment. He pulls back his hands to check it while I sit there, awkwardly watching as he reads the message, the tension in the room shifting.

"Sounds like things are busy at the shop today and they need extra help." He slides the phone back into his pocket and quickly glances at my hands. I place them back in my lap and then fold them across my chest, not sure what else to do with them. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to go into town together, but . . ."

I start to shake my head. "Oh, it's okay. No worries." He smiles crookedly at me. "We can talk more later," I add. "I'll call Tasha and go to the coffee shop, but maybe . . . we can touch base later?"

The crooked smile turns into a wide grin, and my stomach does that fluttering thing again.

"Yeah, that would be nice." He clears his throat. "Well, I better head out then," he says, standing to grab his jacket and beanie off the back of the chair. I don't attempt to not stare as I watch his every move intently. He shrugs on his jacket and slides the hat over his head. His eyes lock on mine as he adjusts the collar, placing the necklace back under his shirt.

"Renn. Thank you." He scans my face. "Thank you for everything."

And then I stand up and do something that makes my senses go wild. I step forward and place my hands on his forearms for leverage as I stretch on my tippy toes to reach up and kiss his cheek. I let my lips linger there for a second or two longer, and when I pull away, I'm almost positive he's blushing.

He smiles down at me, our height difference more substantial standing this close to each other. "In case you didn't know already, I'm here for you, for anything, okay?" he says. I nod in response. Then he looks at me like he wants to say something more, do something more. I can't help watching his lips as they part slightly, but a second later, he says, "The weather seems to be letting up. Maybe if it's still nice later, you could come with me and Shy for a walk. If you want."

I grin. "That would be nice," I say.

"I'll let you know when I get home, okay?"

"Okay," I say with a bittersweet smile, because I don't want him to go yet.

"Come on, Shy," he says.

I had almost forgotten Shy was there as she bounds off the couch without hesitation at his command and they both walk toward the door. But before he closes it behind himself, he, of course, winks, then shuts the door softly.

I exhale, wrapping my arms around myself, as I hear his truck start up and drive down the road. I look over at the kitchen table and decide to take a shower before getting to the dishes. Before jumping in, I look at myself in the mirror to find I have a stupid grin on my face that doesn't want to go away, no matter how hard I try.

"What is happening right now?" I say to myself.

The basic answer is a friend came to my aid in a time of need. The complicated answer is that Renn, the man whom I have quickly developed feelings for, came for me. He had seen me at my absolute lowest and yet, he stayed.

He didn't treat me like some breakable thing, he just didn't want me to be alone. In this moment, I realize that sometimes being strong isn't about facing things alone, because no one, not even Renn, can take the pain away for me. But just knowing he was there gave me the hope to not give up. I have my demons, just as he does, but I don't have to endure them alone. I hope in some way I could do the same for him in one way or another.

For the first time in five years, I'm not dreading the future, instead, I face it, feeling lighter than I have in a long time.