CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Maven

It was refreshing not having to pack up immediately when we woke the next morning. Instead of bustling about after breakfast, everyone was still and quiet, settling into our home for the next couple of days. Eventually, most of the group ventured back to the overlook; some had binoculars and were scouting for wildlife, others were writing in journals, and some even seemed to be meditating in one form or another.

All I wanted to do was look. And for the most part, so did Tasha. We just sat and talked and looked over the scenery at the most colorful time of the year. Those days we had at the outlook were full and inspiring. I think my favorite part was sitting around the fire with everyone in the evenings. I'm not sure what it is about people sitting around a fire, but it brings you close together. It makes you forget the bad things in your life by burning away your troubles, and all you have to do is sit and take it in. Every night, I sat next to Renn, the two of us stealing glances at each other the entire time.

I haven't told Tasha about what happened with Renn that night, and I never will. He seemed fine the next day, but I couldn't help feeling sad for him, knowing he has to face every detail of his trauma in his dreams, while I have no memories of my life-altering night. I don't remember the crash itself, but when I woke up, that was when my nightmare began. I wish I could switch places with him, because it doesn't seem fair, especially for someone as good and kind as Renn to have to face something so dark that it plagues his dreams. To see that pain etched across his face, even for just a moment . . . it didn't fit the man I had come to know. For something so painful to torment him, and yet he is still so full of light.

I don't want to leave now that the day has come to head home. Everyone loads onto the shuttles, and unlike the drive to the trailhead, we're all a little somber on the way back to Solitude Ridge. I think there's overwhelming exhaustion settling on everyone as well. Some people even fall asleep on the drive, including Tasha. My body is sore, but my knee—my knee hasn't hurt at all, even after all of the hiking. It's sore like the rest of my limbs, but nothing like the throbbing pain that was once there.

I look for Renn, but I think he may have ended up on another shuttle after helping that blonde woman from earlier get her backpack loaded on the shuttle . . . again. Soon, we pull into Solitude Ridge Adventure Tours, and I try to quickly get off to find Renn, but before I can, I watch him get on his motorbike and speed off in a hurry.

Tasha follows my gaze as the sound of his bike fades down the street.

"Renn leave already?" she asks.

I shrug. "It appears so," I say, clearly disappointed.

"He probably just wants to see Shy. They haven't ever been apart for this long as far as I know," she says.

"Yeah, probably."

But I still can't help feeling a little underwhelmed that he left without saying goodbye.

The town of Solitude Ridge was swiftly hit by harsh and unforgiving winds just a couple of weeks after the retreat, officially bringing in the new season. Bright, sunny days were swept away, and the leaves seemed to have fallen from their place holders overnight. Overcast clouds transformed the once colorful and vivid landscape to dark green and gray.

While I enjoyed the warmth and color, the colder times of year are actually my favorite. I feel more at home than ever when the rain falls and snow eventually coats the town. Tourist season has slowed down with most of the resorts now closed, though a couple usually remain open with smaller staff and less amenities. Solitude Ridge is so secluded that we don't get many people venturing up the snowy mountains for the winter. Being snowed in is a yearly occurrence, with no roads open in or out for a couple of months at a time. Yet another reason why I love this time of year: the town is finally ours again, rather than just a flow of strangers passing in and out.

Most everyone in town has been busy closing up their shops for the season, including Tasha and Mina. During the slow times of the year, the bookshop is open for less hours and is completely closed for a few weeks when Tasha and her mom go on their annual trip to visit Mina's parents, who live further south where it's warmer for their "aged bodies," as Mina likes to say.

Tasha and I decided to meet up for one last coffee date before she leaves for the road trip. Her worry about my well-being is evident in our conversation, and she isn't wrong in feeling so. It's the calm before the storm, likely quite literally in this case.

"You know, you can totally come with us if you want to," she says, but I give her a scrutinizing look.

"Did my mom put you up to this?"

With a sheepish look, she says, "Maybe, but does it matter? You know you're welcome to join us either way."

"I appreciate the offer, but no, thank you. Besides, I like being here this time of year," I say, taking a generous sip of the earthy mix of coffee that is the daily special today.

"You've always loved it, haven't you?"

I nod cheerfully. "It could inspire me to maybe do some sketching."

Which wouldn't be a bad idea since I'm going to be without company for a few weeks. A couple of weeks ago, I might have said otherwise, but the weather wasn't the only thing that had changed dramatically. Renn had, once again, distanced himself, especially from me, it seemed. I had seen him in town, of course, but we never said more than a few words to each other. I'm not sure what I'd expected once we got back home, but it wasn't this vague interaction, like nothing had happened.

Surely I'm not that out of practice when it comes to relationships, but maybe the last five years have made me rusty. Even still, there were things I felt with Renn on that mountain that I've never felt before. The last person I had been with romantically was Jamie, or at least I thought it was romantic at the time.

Tasha continues to give me some space on the subject, but she can't help herself from speaking up about it when I spy him across the street. Shy trots next to him, keeping up as he seems to be in a rush to wherever he's going.

Tash follows my gaze out the window as she says, "He gets really busy this time of year." Her voice pulls my attention away from him.

My only response is, "Hmmm," before sipping from my coffee again. I attempt to convince myself that I don't care, but in reality, I'm maddened that I am, once again, experiencing the unpredictable ups and downs of what Renn wants or doesn't want when it comes to our relationship.

"So, nothing's happened since the retreat?" Tasha hesitantly asks. I peer back out to the street to find Renn gone just as quickly as he appeared. I sigh heavily.

"It's fine. It doesn't bother me." She raises her eyebrows skeptically. "I swear. The only thing bothering me is the fact that my mind is playing tricks on me, making me think my hair still smells like campfire," I say flatly.

Tasha covers her mouth with the back of her hand to keep her giggle to herself. "Oh, yeah, you're not at all bothered about Renn," she says with a wink.

I roll my eyes then stick my tongue out. I begin to tap my fingers loudly against my cup, anxious and annoyed until I can't keep it in any longer. "Okay, but seriously, what the hell?"

Tasha's mouth is in a tight line, shrugging her shoulders. "It's just Renn being Renn."

I don't want to accept that as an answer.

"But you said that he had never, you know . . . acted that way before."

Tasha's look of pity pains my stomach with embarrassment. "I know, and it was different, but I guess he's back to his usual nice-but-distant self." I stare into my coffee, taking in her words for a minute. "I'm sorry," she adds gently when I say nothing.

"It's fine."

Tash clears her throat. "Look, Mave, Renn is a loner, but I've known him for a while, and I feel like I can confidently say that I highly doubt he meant to hurt you. I may not know everything about him, but I know he would never do something like that on purpose." I bite the inside of my cheek. "Why do I get the feeling something more happened between you two than you're telling me?" she asks, but I don't answer for several moments.

"I thought maybe there was something, but I guess I was wrong."

She grabs my hand from across the table. "For what it is worth, I'm sorry that he made you feel that way. He loses a lot of points in my book, because you're my best friend."

I know in my heart what she says is true, but it doesn't make me feel any less foolish.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. He's just a guy right?" My own words don't convince me as I say them, so I change the subject instead. "But now that it is over, I am grateful that you persuaded me to go on the retreat. It was what I needed, truly. Regardless of whatever happened with Renn, I had an amazing time with you." And I mean it.

She peers at me, her warm, honey, hazel eyes twinkling. "Let's not talk about Renn anymore, okay?" she says.

"Deal," I say with a nod. "So, tell me more about your plans for the road trip," I quickly add.

We spend the rest of the afternoon in easy conversion and do not once mention Renn, just as we promised.

About a week after Tasha and Mina departed on their trip, I ran out of reasons to go into town besides food, and now I'm hunkered down in the cabin with no intention of leaving. It's the first time that I've been truly alone since moving back to Solitude Ridge, and it's in the loneliness that the shadows from the dark corners of my mind—where they've been lingering and waiting for the opportunity to overtake me—come alive. What was once cozy and quiet has become isolating and cold. I look out the window, the change of scenery reminding me that the beautiful parts of my life are like the now fallen leaves, short moments of brilliance, only to fall to the ground, crumpled and dead. I never meant for this downward spiral to get the way it has. It would be too easy to pick up the phone and call someone, or simply go into town just to be around some other living beings. But before I realize the path I'm treading down, it's too late to turn around, and I can't find my way back.

I used to be afraid of things that made sense to be afraid of, like the dark or heights, but the truest form of fear is when you become afraid of yourself. Some people fear that they may never accomplish their lifelong goals, never find out who they truly are, or fear that their life has no purpose. But not me. It's not about whether or not I know who I am or what my life means—it's the opposite. I know exactly who I am, what I've done, and what I deserve. The retreat only distracted me from the truth.

So now, instead of pushing it out of my mind, I welcome it in, all the grief, all the guilt and pain.

You don't deserve to be happy,something whispers to me. I've done a decent job of ignoring it for this long, but what that voice whispers rings true. So, I let it in and allow it to stay a while—that demon living inside, making itself at home.