Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

The wood panels of the door become a big blur as I stay stagnant, gathering my thoughts.

What am I going to say? And why the hell do I need to say anything? Because he’s your nephew, and you’re the biggest douche for hurting your family.

I decide not to call ahead in case he won’t talk to me. I wouldn’t talk to me right now. My finger gently presses the buzzer, and the sounds of ‘La Cucaracha’ echo in the background.

Only Eric would have a doorbell like that.

Relief washes over me when Eric is the one to open the door. I don’t, however, appreciate his sympathetic gaze. Sure, I look like roadkill, and there’s a chance I smell like it, too. If anyone is going to give me grief about my appearance, it will be Eric.

“Hey, Batman,” Eric greets with a small smile. “I’ll just grab him.”

Eric walks away, and I stand uncomfortably in the living room taking in my surroundings. Eric, being Eric, definitely knows what style means. His apartment is decorated like a photoshoot from a Martha Stewart book. I actually see a picture of Martha Stewart in a frame against a back wall. I want to laugh, but it doesn’t quite connect with my face.

There’s a white leather sofa smothered with a million pillows perfectly positioned—different colors, textures, and oriental patterns. Looking around, I notice more oriental pieces. He’s true to his heritage, even a Buddha is sitting on a floating shelf. There are other ornaments surrounding it and a line of books sitting between bookends. On closer inspection, the bookends are of two male statues doing it doggy-style. Where on earth does he find this shit?

There’s a creak in the room. I turn around to see Tristan, who’s avoiding eye contact with me. I couldn’t feel any smaller right now. What kind of a fucking role model am I?

“Hey, mate.” Jesus, the nerves are coming out.

He remains quiet, then clears his throat. “Channeling your inner Aussie?”

“I’m trying here. Look, I had no idea. I’d never intentionally sleep with someone you were seeing,” I confess.

“I’m not pissed. Well, I was pissed. You can have her.”

“Tristan, it was a one-time thing. I’m not after a serious relationship. I’ve got a lot of things I need to work through.”

His eyes meet mine, and just like in Eric’s, I see pity. “I know, and I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, too. Maybe I could’ve done something to help you.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t. Charlie wouldn’t be alive if you had stopped me.”

“You really loved her, didn’t you?” he asks.

I hesitate. “I did. I do. Just not the way she deserves.” It’s the God-honest truth. “So, when are you coming back home?”

He places his hands in his pockets and rocks back and forth. “I’m kinda hoping I can bum here until Eric kicks me out.”

It’s a small kick in the gut, a much-deserved one. I kind of got used to him being around despite my constant complaining.

“Sure, just don’t be a stranger, okay? I’m gonna miss your damn PlayStation.” I chuckle.

“Yeah, maybe… I might be back soon. It hasn’t been unpacked. Eric says part of the roommate agreement is no electrical devices that don’t have the intention of getting you off.” Tristan rolls his eyes.

Eric yells from the balcony, “I heard that eye-rolling!”

“I better go.” My face softens as I attempt to walk away.

In a sudden move, Tristan pulls me into a hug. It’s exactly what I need, a small reminder that maybe there are people who do care about me. Maybe I need to stop being a self-absorbed asshole and open my eyes to see that others around me need attention. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Julian Baker, and the quicker you figure that out, the quicker you can go live your life.

Patting him on the back, acknowledging his kind gesture, I pull away and head toward the door, but not before Eric yells again, “By the way, you look like shit. And it wouldn’t hurt you to take a shower. Sheesh!”

With Tristan gone, I’m able to take some leave from work and bury myself in my manuscript. Two weeks of living on cheap packet noodles and coffee. Showering is unheard of, even after Eric’s caustic outburst, and I’ve grown this beehive beard. At first, it irritated me, but I soon got over it, and now I swear, bees could nest in there.

With money running low, or should I say non-existent, I canceled my gym membership and reverted to running through the neighborhood each morning and night to burn off the frustration I’m feeling. I ignore visiting any place where there’s a chance of running into Charlie. On the plus side, I’m meeting new people like the old lady down the road who offers me a glass of homemade lemonade every time I run past. Not wanting to be rude as well as being extremely thirsty, I take her up on her offer, and homemade lemonade soon becomes baked shortbread moving onto chicken pot-pie. Needless to say, I’m well-fed, and noodles soon became a distant memory.

Late one morning, I hit send, and the email is officially sitting in Mr. Grimmer’s inbox. Leaning my back against the chair, I crack my knuckles one by one in an attempt to relieve the tension. Thirty hours straight with no sleep, so to say I’m exhausted is an understatement. The worst part is that somewhere in the past twenty hours, I realized I hadn’t gotten laid in what seemed like forever and hadn’t even thought about jerking off, until now.

Clean slate. Just unadulterated raw sex, no names, and no identities. Grabbing my phone, I type in the URL until the page is smothered with every fantasy possible. Clicking on the girl-on-girl porn, I watch for a few minutes attempting to stroke myself but with no relief.

An hour later, it feels like mission impossible until I stumble on a Brazilian gangbang and gee was she in for a special treat with the ten guys hovering over her.

Exactly one minute and ten seconds is all it takes.

Now I’m spent.

I start to doze off until an annoying sound chimes, startling me from my slumber. I’m tempted to ignore it, but thinking it could be Mr. Grimmer, I reach to the floor where I left my laptop last and pull it up to my face to read.

Charlie:Hi Julian, hope all is well. I would love to catch up with you just to say thank you for everything you did for me, if that’s ok. Would you be able to meet us at a park this afternoon? Charlie xx

It’s the last person I expected, and it’s testing my strength. I’m finally moving on, not to mention she used the word ‘us.’ Lex won’t allow her to see me, and surely if he did, he’d hover over us like a vulture ready to feed on a carcass. There’s a part of me, however small it may be, that feels like I owe her this. Whether it’s closure, gratitude, whatever the fuck you want to call it, and with that in mind, I text back agreeing to meet. It’s only seconds later she responds with a time and place.

And, two hours later, I’m sitting on a park bench, showered and shaved. The beard would scare the children, and it isn’t like I’m trying to impress Charlie. Waiting in anticipation, my hands begin to feel clammy, the sun not helping my cause.

Children are darting in and out of the playground, oblivious to anything happening around them. It makes me think about children, family, that whole marriage bullshit. I’m thirty fucking three, and time is wearing thin to start a family. Not to mention, meeting a woman who I want to share my life with. It’s a life I’m not sure I want anymore, yet it’s flashing before my eyes—what I could be missing out on? Reality hits a few moments later when I get hit in the head with some action figure which a kid throws in the air.

Perhaps that annoying little shit should learn how to act in public.

Yeah, maybe I’m not missing out on anything after all.

At first, I hear the voices, forcing me to look in that direction. Charlie is only a few feet away, pushing one of those strollers which looks like a hovercraft. As I suspected, she’s not alone. Lex is standing behind her, watching me with an uncharted look. He bends down to kiss Charlie on the cheek and walks away, tailing his daughter who has run off to the swings.

Charlie welcomes me with a warm smile, taking a seat beside me on the park bench. She’s wearing a pair of shorts and a shirt with DC characters on it. Tristan and Charlie would have a lot in common. She continues to smile, and it’s impossible to ignore the glow illuminating her beautiful skin. I can’t thank the Lord enough. She looks healthy. Alive.

Remember, that’s what you wanted, to walk away with Charlie alive and happy.

“Hey.” She grins.

Charlie appears to be nervous, fidgeting with a loose hem fraying on her shorts. It only lasts a few moments before the baby lets out a wail, distracting Charlie from our awkward silence. With ease, she gently picks up the baby from the stroller and cradles her in her arms. The wailing becomes softer, and without too much intervention, the girl is settled and quiet.

I manage to muster up what I can. Lex’s stare stops me from anything further.

“So, this is her?” I keep my expression to no more than a faint smile.

Charlie beams as she talks about her daughter. “This is Ava Lily Edwards.”

“She’s grown so much, a beautiful girl. I’m really happy for you.”

“That means a lot to me, Julian.” She pauses as if she’s choosing her words carefully. I know Charlie well, she’s outspoken, and at times, she and Eric are like two peas in a pod. She is known for being blunt, yet still knows the meaning of tact and manners, unlike Eric, who was born with the verbal-diarrhea gene.

“The reason I called you is that both Lex and I want to thank you…” Her eyes are drawn to him as she says his name, and the connection between them is indisputable. It’s almost like you can see a magnetic force pulling them to each other. I’m not completely immune to jealousy, yet I know where I stand with Charlie, and that’s not by her side as her husband and father to her children. What the hell am I doing here, rubbing a bottle of salt in a wound? And I mean, of gigantic proportions. They are a happy family, I get it. And I’m a nobody.

She continues to speak, “I know Lex may not show it, but he’s as thankful as am I that you saved us. I don’t care what you were doing, Julian. All I care about is that this little girl survived and without you… it wouldn’t have happened.”

The twisting pain in my stomach returns along with that feeling of not knowing whether to be remorseful for my actions or grateful for my mistakes.

Lex is standing at the swings, pushing his daughter. His eyes are watching me, a mixed look of bewilderment and frustration before he turns away and continues to push his daughter. He doesn’t look like he wants to kill me, but he doesn’t wear a smile either.

“Julian, I know what I did in the past was wrong. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. Things should’ve ended with you before I got involved with Lex. I don’t regret the outcome… I just wish people hadn’t been caught in the crossfire in the process.”

“Charlie, it’s done. We’ve moved on.” Simple words. I am a man, after all. Women, however, need to elaborate on their feelings like they’re writing a novel or something.

“I know, Julian, but despite all that… I think you need help.”

I can hear the sincerity in her voice. She has obviously been thinking about approaching me. I know first-hand it’s never easy to host an intervention, let alone be on the receiving end. Of course, I need help. I just don’t know how to get it.

Allowing myself to absorb her words, I continue to watch the children playing around me. Her daughter, Amelia, has now left the swings and made friends with a boy sitting in the sandpit. All is well until another boy enters the area and catches her attention. She forgets about boy number one, turns her back to him, and begins to build sandcastles with the new boy.

Like mother, like daughter.

“I say that as someone who loves you. Maybe not the way you want to be loved, but I genuinely love you for everything you have done for me. It hurts me to see you hurting. I want to see you live your life and be happy. You deserve the best.”

Hearing Charlie say she loves me is enough for me to realize that this part of my life is well over. I can sit and dwell—more like sit and snort—or move on and create a new life for myself away from Charlie and the temptations that lurk around me.

The conversation is short-lived as Amelia runs toward us. She’s wearing a Batman T-shirt with a cape plus little black gumboots and is covered in sand. She doesn’t seem to care, though. What is it with kids and sandpits?

“Mommy! Can I take baby Ava on the swings?”

Charlie touches her cheek, a motherly gesture that doesn’t go unnoticed. “Buggy, she’s too little. Why don’t you call Daddy over?”

Great. Showdown.

“I’m not Buggy anymore. I’m Batman! See, look at my cape.”

The irony. If it weren’t for her emerald green eyes and everything about her face that mirrors Lex’s, you could seriously question her paternity.

Charlie lets out a small giggle. “Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.”

Her laugh is infectious, and I can’t help but laugh along with her. “So, she likes Batman?”

“Uh-huh, been obsessed with him ever since she saw him at her cousin’s birthday last year. She’s a crazy one. She keeps ladybugs as pets. Had like twenty of them in her room, hence, why she got the name ‘Buggy.’ We thought having a daughter meant tea parties and an overload of pink, but let me tell you, it’s been everything but.” Charlie’s smile remains fixed. Even though her daughter may be a tomboy, you can see the proud look on her face. “Eric even bought her this fancy kids’ tea set from London for her birthday. She opened the present and ran off to find Rocky because his present to her was a basketball. She loves to watch the Lakers play.”

“I can only imagine Eric would’ve been devastated,” I respond at ease.

“Gutted doesn’t even cover it. I believe he dropped the F-bomb, and let me tell you, Amelia repeats what you say, so Eric got an earful from us that night.”

We laugh for a little while longer before Lex walks over to us. He stands beside Charlie, taking baby Ava off her and moving his lips to her forehead. I see Charlie watch him in awe, but her eyes do this thing as if she’s trying to get him to say something.

We all remain silent, only the sounds of the children screaming and the occasional rustle in the trees from a slight breeze can be heard. The clouds have formed into a cluster, the shades of gray warning us of what’s to come. In the distance, a roar of thunder startles the children, and parents scramble to collect their family and belongings before the rain.

For me, there’s a different kind of storm brewing, and it’s about to strike.

Lex clears his throat. “You saved my wife and my baby.”

It’s not a thank you, more of a statement.

I don’t say a word.

Charlie places her hand on mine, and the touch makes me ache. “Thank you, Julian. Give yourself that. Despite whatever your intention was, you saved us.”

I look directly into her eyes, watching her stare back at me. She stands and leans in to embrace me.

My strength, my weaknesses, every emotion possible is swirling in my head, and not wanting to linger in this moment, I pull away and give her the smile she deserves.

Lex continues to stand beside her, watching us intently.

“Thank you,” he murmurs.

It’s as clear as day.

I give them all a final smile before walking away for good.

Another chapter in my life closed.

But this part of the book ended happily for them, not me. I still have a lot of soul-searching to do.

I no longer have Chelsea, I no longer have Charlie, and I refuse to die in a heap of white acid.

But I do need help.

Who’s going to save me now?