Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

I have no idea how I made it home.

I’m paralyzed with a numbing feeling, one acting like a shield erasing tonight’s events, tonight’s nightmare. The fear and terror of watching Charlie almost die in front of my eyes is replaying in my head, then that confusing thought of what if I didn’t go to see her? Did this wrong move make it right? Screw the fate bullshit, someone was watching over Charlie. She had angels swarming over her like paparazzi, and so it should be. If anyone deserves to stay on this earth, it’s Charlie.

Me, I’m scum in the lowest form. I don’t deserve anything, especially Charlie.

As I turn the key to my apartment, I hear voices. I don’t need this, not now. All I want to do is head straight to the shower and then to bed, leaving Tristan to his own devices.

Walking through the apartment, I see Tristan sitting on the couch with a familiar blonde. They are laughing and enjoying pizza and beer. He sees me, and his expression changes. Concern, pity—yeah, I’m worthless. Kill me now.

“You look like shit, but hey, meet Claudia.” Tristan introduces the familiar-looking blonde with very big tits.

Very, very big tits. No fucking way!

She looks at me, puzzled, then it clicks. “Julian?”

I muster up the tiniest of smiles, and I mean it’s not even a smile, more like a this-is-awkward glare. I really don’t need this shit right now.

“How do you know each other?” Tristan asks suspiciously.

I have no excuse, I’m too exhausted even to comprehend my actions. “Uh… we met at a bar. Listen, nice seeing you again. I’m beat, see you in the morning, Tristan.”

I don’t even wait for a reaction before I head to the shower where I stand there stagnant, no emotion, nothing but emptiness, trying so hard to wash it all away. I sit down on the tiles, back against the wall, letting the water fall against my skin. The tears are solid, becoming deep sobs causing my chest to ache in a way I have never felt before. I open my eyes enough to see my skin wrinkly from so much time spent under the water.

Making my way out, I wrap a towel around me, ready to head to bed. Sleep—my only salvation.

Opening the bathroom door, I see Tristan standing in the middle of the hallway with his bag. His fallen face turns to disgust as he sees me exit.

I really don’t need this.

“I’m fairly certain I know how you know Claudia, and you’re a fucking jerk. You knew she was my girlfriend.”

“Listen, kid, I had no idea—”

“Bullshit! It’s like you have no fucking idea how to deal with your own mess of a life, so you have to ruin it for others.”

I’m looking for sympathy, trying to keep my voice down. “Look, I’ve had a terrible night—”

“What? You get busted for stalking your ex?”

Silence.

“I don’t need this.” I turn my back.

“Maybe you do need this. You’re wasting your life. What the hell happened to you, huh? I used to look up to you and just look at you. You’re just a huge fucking disappointment. Why the fuck are you so jaded?”

“I don’t need to answer to anyone.”

“Yeah, well, neither do I.” Tristan picks up his bag.

“Where do you think you’re going?” I sound parental. This isn’t what I signed up for.

“I’m staying with Eric. You need to sort yourself out, Julian. There’s only one road you’re heading down, and I’m telling you, it’s a dead end.” He stops by the kitchen counter and throws me an envelope. “And here, an eviction notice.” He slams the door behind him.

I am officially alone.

After tonight’s events, there’s nothing I want to do more than climb into a hole and rot away, but instead, I head to my medicine cabinet and find my sleeping pills.

Sleeping pills or call my dealer.

For tonight, the pills win, but for how much longer?

Frankly, I have no idea.

***

The room is dark, the light fighting its way in.

The urge, the craving, it devours me.

Alone, I hear the gentle tap on my door, gentle, yet it startles me.

I jump anxiously. It’s the monster who lurks under my bed, but he’s on the other side of the door.

Like a frightened child, I open it and succumb to the power he holds over me.

He opens his hand, and I see the light illuminating the dark walls. My senses, there’s a frenzy within me, taunting and teasing me, and the more it consumes me, I feel myself weaken.

I hand over the last of my money—my rent money.

And like a thief in the night, he disappears.

And I’m alone again with the devil laced in white.

It’s all I have now.

No Chelsea.

No Charlie.

And I need to survive, don’t I?

I’m like venom. I hurt those around me, including myself.

I walk to the table and lay the white lace carefully in a line. I know the drill. I think about it every second of every day.

I lean down, inches away from euphoria sweeping over me. But I feel a touch, a brush of a hand over my shoulder. I’m hallucinating, I know I’m alone. I bend down again, and the feeling repeats.

I don’t look behind me. Instead, I close my eyes allowing my senses to focus.

There’s a cool breeze in the room, but the windows are shut.

“In the darkness, our savior will find us. It will drive us into the light.”

The voices, I hear them.

“In our weakness of times, find the strength, it lurks behind the shadows, but it’s watching, it is waiting to be asked for help.”

I have officially gone crazy.

“Those who live in the light only know the truth to living in the darkness. I am here, I’m watching over you, I am guiding you. Be still, hear my words. The fallen will continue to fall without a savior amongst them.”

I listen, and the voices disappear.

My chest is heavy.

Chelsea’s voice, without a shadow of a doubt, is echoing in my ear.

I grab the white lace in my hand and walk over to the kitchen, emptying the contents in the sink and scrubbing my hands with scolding hot water until they are red and raw.

But the pain is nothing compared to what my heart feels.

And with that, I sink to the floor with the tears swallowing me whole, the sobs achingly loud, and I scream her name just like I did on the night of the fire.