Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Alone in the restaurant waiting for Eric and Charlie, I attempt to occupy myself by playing Candy Crush. It’s the worst game ever, being stuck on this level for like two months. I’m cursing Rocky for sending me the damn request through social media causing this ridiculous obsession.

Ten minutes later, Eric and Charlie still aren’t here. I throw my cell onto the table in frustration, crossing my arms as I wait impatiently.

I hate tardiness.

This time alone isn’t good for me, today’s events leaving me in the biggest funk ever. This is the first of many milestones Andy will celebrate without Elijah. Graduations, wedding—the list goes on.

I still recall his baptism, a request from my parents to avoid Andy living in ‘limbo’ if anything should happen. Then came his first steps, to his first birthday. Each one of those moments brought pain and joy all rolled into one emotion.

How dare he do this to us! I want to scream out loud.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I was born and raised in your typical American family. I had a dad and mom who were the best parents a girl could ask for. My brother was your typical jock, a loving, smart-ass older sibling who had this protective nature over his little sister. Girls loved him, and so did my best friend.

We were your television sitcom loving family. You couldn’t get any more typical than us.

Then I met this boy—Elijah Jean Evans.

I knew from the moment I met him that he was my future husband. So what if I was only seventeen and a virgin? He was great, and we were great together. Elijah filled my life with so many happy memories, and it wasn’t until the first cancer scare did I realize how quickly it can be taken from us. Elijah fought hard, and my brother fought even harder to keep Elijah alive. After the battle was won, not once did I think it would come back, and most importantly, not once did I think my husband would stop fighting. Not even when he agreed to try IVF to conceive a baby.

At times, I’m angry at him, at God, at everyone. And other times, I just carry on as best as I can.

Glancing at the time again, I send Eric a text with a big fat ‘Where the fuck are you?’ Out of all people, he knows what I’m like, and knowing Eric, he’ll come up with some pathetic excuse.

Letting out a huff, I busy myself with an email a buyer sent me about my upcoming spring collection.

Opening a boutique in LA is the best thing I could’ve done for Andy and me. I closed my store in Brooklyn, not because of the distance but of the memories of Elijah.

Back to designing and fashion, I’m in my element, and it keeps my mind distracted. Aside from that, I need an income. Lex being Lex, he offers to pay off my mortgage, but I don’t want to be thatcharity case.

Since Elijah’s plan was to leave us, I’m going to make damn sure nobody else has to provide for my son. Between daycare and my mom, I’m able to head into the boutique a few times a week, and I hired three younger girls to manage the store when I’m not around. Business is thriving. Celebrities in LA want to wear my designs. The red carpet has already showcased a few of my popular pieces. The demand is starting to build, so at night when I struggle with insomnia, I work on my designs.

I have a plan—a plan to move forward.

Until the day he walked into my life.

Julian Baker.

I have this awful habit of being a fate preacher to those around me. You know, that whole ‘oh, it’s so meant to be that you were in the right place at the right time’ bullshit.

Yes, I’m that annoying friend.

Yet, with my own circumstances, I shut it out. I was having a weak day, year, actually lifetime, the night I harmed myself. I’ll never forget that moment, the pain of losing Elijah even greater than the actual day I lost him in the hospital. For the sake of my son, I knew I needed help, just not from anyone close to me.

Taking that first step was extremely hard. I had to reach out to complete strangers. I didn’t expect him to be there, of all the places. I mean really, universe, what the fuck is that about?

At first, I had no idea it was him. Not willing to make eye contact with anyone as I shamefully sat covering my open wounds, ashamed and embarrassed I had resorted to this, knowing I had a son who needed me. The second time, I thought, fuck it. I’m here to make sense of my life. This fucked-up card Andy and I were dealt with needs purpose. That was the night I showed the world my mistakes. Scar after scar, adorning my wrists, a reminder of what my life had become, and fuck, was I angry.

It was the same night he first spoke, and, for the first time, I looked into the group and could not believe he was there. Of course, I recognized him, though just like me, he was beaten down. That once-bright and handsome man no longer lit up the room. He appeared paler than I remembered him but definitely bulkier. His arms and toned physique left the drag queen next to him hyperventilating like a bitch in heat.

Okay, and maybe I wasn’tthatimmune to his looks. I mean seriously, even in his pathetic state, he still owned the room with his dashing face. The beard made him appear rugged, but it only added to his sex appeal.

I knew what happened with Charlie after Lex and Charlie got into a huge argument over the incident resulting in Charlie calling me in the middle of the night in tears. As usual, my immature brother couldn’t curb his jealousy, and it took some serious ass-whooping to get him to see the bigger picture—his wife and baby were saved.

It wasn’t an easy task recalling my conversation with him that night…

“Lex, he saved Charlie and the baby? Why can’t you be grateful for that?”

We stand in the hospital corridor, the eerie silence echoing the heavy breathing coming from my brother. His knuckles are stark white, and he grinds his teeth against his jaw while trying to contain himself.

“Why do you think he was there, Adriana?” he says calmly, followed by a loud bang of his fist against the wall. “Why the fuck do you think he was there?”

I saw the pain he was in by punching the wall to no avail. Fucking hell, now I was pissed off.

“Who fucking cares, Lex? What the fuck is wrong with you? You have a wife and baby,” I yell. “Until you lose them forever, don’t you even fucking dare complain.”

His face softens, but it’s too late. I’m worked up.

Fuck, he has pissed me off severely.

“I’m sorry, Adriana.”

“No, you’re not. You’re a selfish asshole, Lex. Forget Julian. You don’t ever have to see him again. Thank the Lord you’re blessed with everything you’ve ever wanted. If you can’t see that, then maybe you don’t deserve this life.” I storm off down the familiar corridor, leaving my brother behind.

My first instinct was to run, but the sadistic side of me, the ‘new’ Adriana, wanted to have fun and play games, torture Julian with my presence, anything to get my mind off my own existence. I learned at the first meeting, though, not to judge him. He’s just like the rest of us, and we’re all drowning. We wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for that.

I never anticipated forming a friendship with him.

He makes it so easy for me to talk about Elijah, something I miss doing. My family walks on eggshells around me, Lex being the worst. I get it, you know, Elijah’s death nearly cost him his marriage. I wasn’t that stupid, I saw it happening, and part of me knew I had to get better to please everyone around me.

On the inside, I was dead.

And what frightened me is Julian creating a spark in me.

What started off as a game quickly bit me in the ass. Ignore his looks, his generosity, his intelligence, his compassion, and the fact he’s the only person in this world I can’t have feelings for. I’m bound to Elijah forever. Married to my soul mate, who was unfairly taken from his son and me. I’m a whore for feeling a spark two years later for a man my brother loathed.

A man who has a past of being obsessively in love with my best friend.

It was the exact reason why the night he kissed me, I ran away.

I hated myself for wanting to kiss him, for wanting him to place his arms around me and wash away the fear which consumes me each day.

I hated myself for the split second that I smiled when his lips touched mine only to be overcome and wracked by guilt.

And most importantly, I hated myself for crying throughout the night holding onto a wedding photograph when all I could think about was the look on Julian’s face when I pulled away and ran.

It was a bittersweet moment when I learned he was moving to Australia. I thought, yeah, okay, you won’t see him, and all is forgotten, but after the farewell at Hazel’s, I already missed him.

No matter how much I tried to ignore the overwhelming feelings brewing inside of me, Julian is the only person who allowed me to be my complete self. Scars and all.

Not to be caught up in that moment, I said my goodbyes and walked away, followed by a sleepless night. It was around three in the morning when I climbed out of bed, walked over to my dresser, and pulled out the wedding album again. I turned each page looking at the photographs, smiling and remembering the day I had waited a lifetime for. It all felt so distant now. I didn’t shed a tear this time, instead I walked over to Andy’s room where I watched him sleep.

We deserved to start a new life, and it wasn’t that I was looking for a father for Andy—I was lonely. I missed intimacy, the touch of a man on my delicate skin, the overwhelming feeling of having someone bury their body inside you, creating a frenzy within your body which can’t be controlled no matter how much you try to fight it.

I miss having someone who understands my grief and remains patient with me throughout my outbursts.

Julian understands because he’s been in my exact position. He knows how much it hurts to lose someone. Knowing how much he has suffered by watching Chelsea die in front of him, it makes me closer to him. I understand his flaws, his mistakes, and I understand why Charlie coming into his life took the pain away and why latching onto her became an obsession. Anything to take his mind off reality.

Yet, ironically, I became just like him. Latching onto him to numb the pain, but somewhere throughout the storm, what we had ran deeper than either one of us expected.

I’m pulled out of my daze when Eric sits down at the table and lets out a huge sigh. He pats his hair to ensure it’s in place, followed by flattening out his perfectly pressed Dior suit. Today, he is wearing a pale blue business shirt which I recognize immediately from the Prada collection. He looks good, as always.

“Don’t even fucking start, drama queen. You’re late.”

“Take a chill pill, Adriana. I had the worst day.”

“What’s wrong?” My stomach makes a slight grumble as I reach for a breadstick.

“Meh, work stuff, confidential. Where in God’s earth is Charlie?” He grabs the napkin, gently patting his forehead to remove the sweat. I notice the nude powder transferring to the stark white linen cloth.

“OMG Eric, are you wearing foundation?” I gasp.

He places his finger over his lips and scans the room to make sure no one notices my outburst. “You don’t have to broadcast it,” he whispers. “I had a bit of an incident last night… using bleach.”

I scratch my head in confusion. “Okay, um, what were you bleaching?”

“You don’t want to know. Let’s just say I forgot to wash my hands, and I accidentally got some on my forehead causing an allergic reaction. Hence, the need to cover up.”

What on earth would he be bleaching? It wasn’t the hair on his head. Oh gross, it was probably his pubes. OMG or worse yet his…

“I’m sorry I am late!” Charlie strolls in with the stroller and takes a seat. Turning to look at Eric, she notices his impatient stare. “What?”

“I need to speak to you about the case I’m working on,” Eric says seriously.

“Okay, can it wait? I’m famished and have about ten minutes before she starts screaming again.”

“Charlie, I’m on a deadline here. You haven’t been in the office all week,” he complains.

Oh crap. Here we go again.

“Are you kidding me? I’ve got a six-month-old who’s teething and barely sleeping and a three-year-old still going through the terrible twos stage. Oh, and don’t get me started on her diva behavior which has clearly come from your mouth, and I don’t think I’ve slept for like three days.”

She does look terrible, and as an aunt, I start to feel guilty.

“So just get Lex to help? What’s the problem?” Eric huffs.

“Oh gee whiz, why didn’t I think of that,” Charlie sneers.

I intervene, “Okay, chill people. Charlie, let me take Ava and Amelia off you tonight. Go to sleep, or whatever with Lex… so awkward.”

“Look, I appreciate it, Adriana, but…”

My pocket vibrates, and I know it’s a text. My face breaks into an instant smile because I know what time it is Down Under. Charlie and Eric stare at me while I excuse myself. Eric is quick to open his mouth, and Charlie listens to him. I head outside the restaurant and pull my cell out. I’m giddy when I see the text sit on my home screen.

Julian:You will never guess what they made me eat today… kangaroo. Why on earth would you serve an animal that is part of your national emblem?

I laugh at his text and click on the call button. The odd dial tone, one that has become quite familiar, rings, and within moments, he picks up.

“Hey, you,” he greets me warmly.

“Did you have it with ketchup or a side of koala?” I joke.

“No, they serve it with vegetables, but let me tell you, I’ll kindly refuse next time.” He pauses for a moment. “How did everything go with Andy today?”

Julian and I chat almost every day, sometimes even twice a day. Since the moment he left, there hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t spoken to or texted him. I’m still waiting for a call from my network provider questioning all the unusual activity on my cell.

He knows how nervous I am about today after my mini-breakdown last night. We had spoken for two hours about the whole thing, and by the end, he calmed me down enough so I could catch a few hours of sleep.

“It sucked, but it’s over with. Till next year.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Not having a dad, I know what it feels like. Chin up, okay? Perhaps a plate of kangaroo to cheer you up tonight?” He laughs.

“Gross. I’ll politely pass. I better go, I’m at lunch. Text me tonight?”

“I’ll be in a writers’ conference today but will do when I’m back in.” There’s that pause again, and in this moment, my heart stills as I wait to hear something, words which send the butterflies into a chaotic blissful frenzy.

“And Adriana…”

The butterflies rev up their engines as my name rolls off his tongue. God, how can just saying my name affects me in a way that’s so indescribable?

“Yes,” my voice cracks in anticipation.

My ear is glued to the earpiece as I close my eyes briefly and focus on his breathing. It’s uneven and quick. My throat dries up as I wait desperately for his feelings to connect to his voice.

“I miss you,” he adds softly.

I smile, my body relaxing immediately. “I miss you, too.”

We hang up, and I reluctantly walk back into the restaurant with no doubt the biggest smile on my face which seems impossible to hide. Charlie and Eric are in a heated argument but stop as soon as I sit down. Charlie is watching me, waiting for me to say something, but to annoy the fuck out of her, I sit and remain quiet. Very un-Adriana like.

“Everything okay?” she asks curiously.

“Yeah, peachy keen, jelly bean,” I respond with a grin.

Ava’s wail distracts Charlie. She tells us she is going to change Ava in the restroom and is quick to leave me alone with Eric. Eric is biting his tongue waiting for Charlie to be a good distance away from us.

“Adriana, look at you,” he teases with delight.

“What? Spinach in my teeth?”

He laughs. “No, sweetie, you’re happy.”

“Eric, not now, please. We talked about this.”

“I know. Nothing to be said to Charlie or Lex. Or Kate. Or Nikki and Rocky. Or anyone! You can’t hide this forever, though.”

Well, duh.

“Eric, I’ll be quick before Charlie comes back. I’ve been thinking long and hard about something…”

He waits in anticipation, rubbing his hands together.

“I want to go to Sydney.”

“Holy jizzballs,” he gasps. “For how long?”

“I’m thinking maybe a week. Just for his book launch.”

“You realize it’s not a hop in the car, and I’m there in an hour?”

“No shit, Sherlock! It’s always been my dream to open a boutique in Sydney, and I’ve been researching commercial real estate, so why don’t I kill two birds with one stone?”

“Is that the official story you’re telling Lex and Charlie?”

“Eric, don’t start.” My smile wavers while I bow my head, bouncing back and forth between happiness and guilt. “This is hard enough.”

“I know that, Adriana, but, girl, you can’t hide this forever.” He pauses, then places his hand on mine. “Whether you let the cat out of the bag now or in a few months, prepare yourself for the biggest ever shit-storm of holy shit-storms to ever grace this earth. We’re talking, build your ark now because even Noah is looking down saying ‘holy shit, you’re screwed.’”

My blood starts to boil in anger yet I try to calm myself. This isn’t Eric’s fault. I’m a big girl, and I know what will happen when this gets out. If there’s anyone to blame, it’s me.

“Well, right now, I don’t know what’s happening. I just want to support him.” I take a big gulp of water to calm myself a little, the room becoming hotter than usual. “Eric, this might not go anywhere, so why rock the boat?”

My shoulders droop almost instantly, my stare distant as reality knocks me cold. The thought of it not going anywhere saddens me more than I expected. Stop over-thinking things.

“Will you leave Andy?”

“I’ve spoken to my mom, and she is happy to have him for five days.”

“So, it sounds like you’ve got it all planned out. Just be careful,” he warns.

“Of what?”

“I don’t know, getting hurt. You know how much I like Julian since I’ve gotten to know him. He is practically like family to me since Tristan and I moved in together. But Adriana, he’s recovering, too.”

We see Charlie walking back with a settled Ava. “What did I miss?”

Eric blurts it out. “Adriana’s going to Australia!”

I shoot him an annoyed look for putting me on the spot. Honestly, his behavior is so elementary school.

“Wow! That’s far… why?” she quizzes.

“Uh… you know how I’ve talked about expanding my boutique? Well, there’s a space I want to look at. There’s a lot of demand within the Australian market, and I’ve got many clients who order from the States willing to pay the ridiculous shipping charges.”

I hate lying to my best friend.

“Sounds like a great reason to go.” She smiles, unaware of my extended lie. “When are you going and are you taking Andy?”

“This Friday. And no, Mom offered to take care of him. It’s only for five days.”

“Wait, this Friday? That’s quick. Why didn’t you say something earlier? Or is this one of those things that Lex has known about for ages but forgot to tell me, again?”

And the web of lies spins deepen.

“No, he doesn’t know.” Because if he did, he’d be on the first plane to Australia to murder Julian with his bare hands.

I quickly think of a reason why. “I’m scared of failure, Charlie. Opening the boutique is a massive dream. The other night I was thinking just take the leap, and whatever happens, happens.”

“Adriana, it’ll be fine. You’re so talented, and there’s a huge demand for funky boutiques just like yours,” she says, resting her hand on mine to reassure me. “Just the other day I was reading an article about small boutiques pocketing nice profit from the upturn in the stock market.”

“Nice story, Charlie,” Eric drags. “Can you tell that to me with a menu in your hand? I’m starving.”

Charlie lets out an annoyed huff.

“So, it’s settled, I’m going to Sydney,” I say loudly.

Charlie smiles back at me while Eric smirks.

“Watch out, Australia, Adriana’s coming Down Under!” Eric roars.

Charlie bursts out laughing, but I know the meaning behind Eric’s comment. Muthafucking little shit.

The truth? I’m nervous as hell.

You see, I’ve only ever been with one man. I was never the type to sleep around like everyone else I knew in high school. And to add, the man I had been with had only ever been with me.

Now, I’m kind of seeing—if you want to call it that—a man who has not only been with several, probably hundreds, of women, but has slept with my best friend numerous times and even proposed marriage to her.

Maybe this isn’t the best idea.

But I miss him.

We haven’t seen each other in four months. Will he expect me to jump in bed with him if I fly over to see him? Suddenly, the bile rises in my throat, and I quickly reach for the iced water to calm myself down.

Perhaps I didn’t think this through properly.

Julian is a man, after all, and men have needs.

Needs I may not be able to meet.

And just like always, guilt rears its ugly head when I find a morsel of confidence. I’m sick of this carousel of emotions, desperate to get off this ride and wish the spinning to simply stop.