Chapter One

Chapter One

There is chaos in the room, a madness which can only be tolerated for a few minutes before you’re forced to sneak away and seek solace behind the glass doors.

It’s called—daycare.

Today is no ordinary day. I’ve been dreading this event since a yellow note came home in Andy’s backpack three weeks ago. A tiny piece of paper announcing ‘Bring Daddy to Daycare Day.’

I mean, really, what the fuck? Who the hell thought this would be beneficial to young children?

It’s bad enough Hallmark has staked their claim in the world, forcing consumers to celebrate an array of occasions, and if you didn’t tick the box of being in a relationship or are short a parent, you’re left to feel like the worst person in the world.

This is who I’ve become.

Not only that, preschool-age children have short attention spans. Asking them to sit on a rug while some lucky kid explains how awesome their dad is because he’s a police officer who fights baddies, is asking a lot of the twenty-odd children inside the room.

The second I read the note, my cell goes into overdrive. My overprotective brother wants to make sure I’m okay, and he has to open his big fat mouth causing my parents to worry. You would think I’d be used to it by now, the constant fretting over my well-being.

I’m fucking fine.

Just like the song says, Always look on the bright side of life.

Well, the bright side is this ugly orange wall I stand against as I watch the room quickly fill up with parents. Dads every which way you turn. Several are happily playing with their children, some are dressed in suits like my brother, and others are dressed more casually—those are the stay-at-home daddies. You can spot them a mile away. They carry around a backpack like it’s loaded with explosives only to know it’s full of diapers, wipes, and other emergency items to keep the boo-boos away.

At least they aren’t wearing overalls. Ugh.

It’s no surprise police-officer dad is getting the most attention. When it comes to men in uniforms, the single mothers inside the room hover around them like leeches. Are we at daycare or a Tinder meet-up? It’s amusing to watch, especially when you see them strategically try to adjust their blouse to show more cleavage.

I start to lose circulation in my leg as Andy clings to me for dear life, hiding his face in fear, aware of the unusual activity around him.

“Why isn’t my grandbaby runnin’ round like the other kids?”

Taking a deep breath to calm my annoyance, I turn to face Mary Jean, Andy’s grandmother. She’s borderline getting on my nerves. As far as mothers-in-law go, I guess I should count myself lucky, although she hovers over Andy like he’s an abandoned baby bird. He has a mother, me.

“He’s a little shy now, Mary Jean. Give him a moment.”

“Don’t know why ya put him in here. Told ya to move close to home, and I can take good care of him,” she rattles on.

She waits for an answer, but I don’t give one.

Geographically, the distance is welcoming. We mainly see her on holidays when she flies to LA or the one time we flew down south. Though, the death of her son impacted her so greatly, her knock on my door happens more often than I’d have liked.

And I mean way too often.

Mr. Lugo, a young male teacher, enters the room. Mary Jean adjusts her blouse, yanking it down to reveal her very full bust. Quickly pulling out her compact, she checks her face and teeth. For a fifty-something-year-old woman, she definitely doesn’t show her age. Her bleach-blonde hair and bright blue eyes give her a youthful elegance. She is a firm believer in homeopathic remedies and weird-ass creams which take years off your life if you apply them every night.

Aging isn’t in her vocabulary, and neither is the word ‘privacy.’ Every time she stays with us, I find her rummaging in my closet. At first, I was polite and gave her some items, even though she is slightly bigger than me, but that isn’t an obstacle—it only means she flashed more skin than necessary. Then, she got on my nerves. My closet is my haven—nobody touches it. Charlie and Eric are the only exceptions.

“How do I look, darl?” She flattens her skirt waiting for my opinion.

“Like you’re twenty-one, Mary Jean.”

With a wide smile, she squeezes my arm and tails Mr. Lugo. God help me.

“Thank God, your mom is awesome. I really got lucky in the mother-in-law department.” Charlie is standing on my right, carrying baby Ava who has vomited all over Charlie’s chest.

I scrunch up my nose as the smell lingers my way. “Gross, cleavage puke?”

“Yep, the worse kind,” Charlie complains.

“Oh, well, that’s what you get for having knockout tatas,” I point out.

She holds Ava out to Lex, then discretely tries to shove tissues down her blouse in an attempt to clean herself up. Lex, who’s sulking as Amelia ran off, beams as Ava is resting in his arms. He rocks her gently as she stirs, and I smile watching my brother so at ease with his baby girl. Sometimes, I can’t believe how much life has changed for him, for them.

This day is just as important to my brother. You see, Lex is such an important part of Andy’s life. Aside from my dad, he is the only male figure in my son’s life, and I know, at times, it confuses Andy. From an early age, I’d talk about Elijah and show pictures to Andy. It’s important he knows who his father was, even if he never got the chance to know him.

Andy has several of Elijah’s features, and many comment on how much he reminds them of him. It’s the dirty-blond hair, the bright blue eyes, and the way his dimples set when he smiles. To add to that, Andy is smart. The daycare workers have mentioned to me his IQ surpasses the other children of the same age. They suggest some external programs to help further his knowledge and build on his strengths. It’s a lot for me to take in considering he is just shy of three, and my understanding of being three is hanging out in the sandbox and stomping in mud puddles when it rains.

I want Andy to have a normal life as much as possible, not missing out on the important things just because Elijah isn’t here. Quite often, he’ll proudly tell everyone Daddy is working in heaven, though the reality of his words is too enormous for him to understand.

Today, he senses it’s different. The toys and noise don’t entice him. His lips tremble as the chaos overwhelms him, just about on the verge of tears. I’m trying to be strong, but that strength is turning into anger. I want to yell at the management for creating such a stupid event. I want to gouge the eyes out of everyone looking at Andy and me like we’re circus freaks, and most of all, I want to scream at Elijah for leaving us in this mess.

Yet, I stand perfectly still, a fake smile plastered on my face.

“You okay?” Lex is annoying me again with his overbearing worry.

I nod, then smile. He doesn’t buy it. After all, he’s known me my entire life.

Lex leans down to talk to Andy, raising his voice above all the noise. “Switch. You take Ava, and I’ll take Andy,” he offers.

He hands me Ava, who has fallen asleep again. I lean down to smell her face. It smells like baby. I don’t remember Andy smelling the same, but then again, I was suffering post-partum depression. I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone take care of my son.

Andy senses movement on my behalf and clings on tighter. Lex kneels to his level. I don’t hear the words he is saying, I only see Andy wrap his little hands around Lex, burying his head into his neck to hide his face again. They walk outside to the sandbox to be with Amelia. I watch as Amelia tries to steal a shovel from a little boy, pulling it directly from his hands and causing the little boy to break out in tears.

“I swear that little shit is doing my head in,” Charlie says, frustrated.

Lex leans down to Amelia’s level, and from what we can see, he’s trying to discipline her. It’s laughable. Lex is the biggest softy, and Amelia has him wrapped around her little finger.

“Charlie! Don’t call your angel a little shit.” I laugh softly.

“Do you know what she did this morning? She took all of Lex’s hair gel and smothered it on Ava’s head. When I found her, I asked her why she did that. Do you know what she said? ‘Eric says that you can never be too young to have fabulous hair, so work it, baby.’”

I place my arm around her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. Struggling to hold in the laughter, I let out an involuntary snort. Charlie shakes her head in amusement. Amelia is like a sponge around Eric, and anyone who has met Eric knows he has no filter.

Apparently, we have that in common.

The head teacher announces it’s time for the special presentation. The children assemble at the front, Amelia positioning herself right in the center, placing her hands on her hips as she waits impatiently for everyone to get their shit together. Andy reluctantly stands by the side. It’s very out of character for him to be so withdrawn, and even though he’s young, he knows well enough what everyone has in this room that he doesn’t.

It doesn’t last long, though. Amelia shoves other kids out of the way to pull Andy to the front with her.

One by one, the teacher calls the children to the front to present their dad with a handmade macaroni picture covered in paint and to say a few words. Amelia is called and no surprises, the mini diva walks to the front as Lex makes his way through the crowd and finally accepts his gift.

“This is my daddy. He is pretty and works in a big building with lots of people. When I grow up, I want to yell at people on the phone and be just like him.” Her face smiles proudly at everyone in the crowd.

I let out a loose laugh. The hilarity is too much. Amelia is very in-your-face.

Charlie ignores her daughter’s inappropriate speech, busily snapping away picture after picture.

Amelia poses perfectly, hand on hip, hair positioned behind her shoulder exactly like Eric taught her to pose.

“I’m gonna wring Eric’s neck,” Charlie mumbles under her breath.

“Oh, he tried to teach Andy the same pose, but it lasted two seconds. Attention spans of a toddler, you gotta love it.”

Lex proudly shows off Amelia’s artwork before moving to the side. We wait patiently until Andy’s name is called, and thankfully, he has a wonderful teacher who’s compassionate to his circumstances.

“Andy Evans,” he calls gently.

I watch Andy as he stares at the crowd, his eyes wide with fear. Amelia makes her way back through the crowd to stand by Andy’s side and hold his hand. Despite her overdramatic personality, she and Andy have a close bond. Amelia always has his back, and although they are cousins, their bond is tight like siblings.

I see Lex make his way through the crowd as well and watch as Amelia whispers something into Andy’s ear. His eyes beam as Lex kneels and says something to Andy.

Proudly, he hands Lex his artwork and hugs him tight.

Andy doesn’t say anything. His smile is worth a thousand words.

Charlie is trying her best not to cry, but her mascara is a hot mess.

Mary Jean’s blue mascara looks like the artwork Andy brings home—a colorful display giving her terrible panda eyes.

Me, well, I’m all cried out.

Barely any fight left in me.

This is my life.

As the festivities wind down, Amelia and Andy busy themselves with some building blocks.

“Thank you, big brother.” I bump his shoulder with mine.

He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in, kissing the top of my hair. “Any time, short stuff.”

I narrow my eyes at him. Sure, I’m short, but he is a man-giant.

“What are you up to today?” he asks.

“I have a meeting this afternoon with a buyer. Aside from that, not much.”

It’s a lie. I have plenty of things on my plate. Things Lex doesn’t need to know.

“So, who’s babysitting, Mama Evans?” Lex chuckles.

The three of us turn to look at Mary Jean. She’s forgotten all about Mr. Lugo and is standing alongside another man much younger than her. He appears to enjoy the attention, her flirtatious smile and flicker of the hair more than a little cringe-worthy. It’s like a car crash—you should turn away, but you want to see how it pans out.

“Definitely not you. I don’t want a repeat of the ass-grabbing that went on at Andy’s second birthday.” Charlie is quick to remind Lex. “You free for lunch, Adriana?”

Charlie is distracted by Lex wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Get a room, you guys. Dry-humping in public isn’t acceptable,” I groan.

Honestly, they are such a pain to be around sometimes. You would think my brother is a teenage boy.

“I’ve been getting a room, by myself, since I have two of the biggest cockblockers to walk this earth,” Lex complains.

“True story.” Charlie laughs. “So, lunch?”

“Yep. I’ll just say goodbye to Andy.”

I walk over to where Andy is playing with a friend. “Hey, pooh-bear, Mama is going to work now.”

He stops playing with the blocks and latches onto me again. It’s short-lived as Amelia taps my shoulder.

“Aunty Ri-ana, look at my ball. Andy, come play ball wid me?”

“You wanna play with Amelia?” I whisper into Andy’s ear. He nods slightly.

Amelia is tugging away at Andy, giving him no choice but to follow her. I watch them walk away until Andy stops, running back to me like he’s forgotten something.

His big blue eyes are staring back at me, and I know this stare. I’ve seen it several times. It’s the stare that makes my heart beat abnormally because the words he is about to speak are words that will stick with me for a very long time, if not forever.

“Mama, Daddy had to stay at work. Heaven was weally busy again.”

My heart sinks deep into that dark abyss, shattering every which way as the reality of his words weigh heavily on my mind.

“Yes, Andy, very busy,” I answer, pushing the loose strand of hair covering his face.

He runs off, and with an extremely heavy heart, I walk toward the exit leaving my baby behind.