34. Adrianna

34

ADRIANNA

R aiden guides me to our private tent that’s been set up in the middle of all the others and I collapse onto the hammock bed, letting the gentle back and forth sway soothe me as I stare at my cell phone. The guys are outside, giving me the privacy I didn’t ask for but know I need, and I’m eternally grateful for it.

There’s a good handful of messages in the group chat with my Kryptos, but I save those for later, trailing through my limited contacts until my father’s name appears.

I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do, but I’m never going to feel better if I just lie here staring at the device instead of doing something about it.

Before I chicken out of it all together, I hit his name on the screen and the ringing sound instantly echoes in my ears. My breath stutters as I try to inhale slowly and exhale more harshly than necessary in an effort to keep myself as calm and collected as possible.

Five rings and the noise stops, the sound of his voice filling the air a moment later. “Hey, Addi girl, is that you?”

I sink deeper into the fabric of the hammock, my eyelids falling closed as his voice instantly calms my rattled mind.

“Hi, Dad.”

A beat of silence swirls between us, and I know it’s from the weight of my tone. He can likely already sense I’m struggling. No one knows me better than this man, and now he has to find the strength to help guide me through the carnage.

“Talk to me.”

Three words, spoken with such kindness, such understanding, that it’s enough to make my throat constrict as I bite back an unnecessary sob.

“I don’t know what to do, Dad,” I admit, feeling like an adolescent again as I look up at the ceiling, trying to piece together the words that can even begin to convey how I’m feeling. He doesn’t push or demand answers. He doesn’t do anything, letting the silence stretch between us as I guide myself through the labyrinth that has formed in my mind. “I’m lost in all of the chaos. I don’t know which way is up and it feels like I’m taking every wrong step. I don’t know how to combat any of this.” The words rattle from my lips, jarring the air as I speak them out loud, and still, he doesn’t speak.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I press my lips together tight. The dam of emotions in my mind is broken, ready to tumble over the cliffs of the waterfall they’re barreling toward.

“She’s one step ahead, Dad. At. Every. Turn. I can’t do anything right without causing further carnage one way or another. The casualties, they’re mounting, the damage is unbearable, and the belief in me is dwindling.”

“The belief of others, or your belief in yourself?” His words make me freeze as they spiral in my mind over and over again.

That’s a shitty question and we both know it. Maybe not. Maybe there’s truth to his words and I just don’t want to admit he’s right.

“It doesn’t matter which,” I start, but I’m quickly silenced by his sigh.

“Don’t make me call you by your full name and give you a lecture. I don’t want to, but I will,” he warns, the threat similar to one I’ve heard many times before, but never with so much at stake. “You’re supposed to feel all of these emotions, Addi. All. Of. Them,” he spells out, his voice firm through the phone. “Let’s work our way through them, get them all off your chest, then we can come back at them with a more logical approach.”

Rubbing my lips together, I know what he’s saying makes sense, but it doesn’t make me want to do it. Not when my initial pain still swirls around me, desperate to make purchase, but if I let it stick, if I let it hold me hostage, then I’m never going to find a way out.

“You’re the one in control here, Addi. You. Focus. It’s okay. I’m right here. You have the support of an entire kingdom, you just can’t see it through the doubt you’re creating, and that’s okay too. The hurdles you’re facing are getting higher, but I’ve seen you jump; you can overcome them all.”

There’s something in his praise that sizzles inside of me, burning through the doubt and making way for… hope.

“Dammit, Dad,” I grumble, envisioning his smile through the phone as he hums.

“There’s my girl. Now, hit me with it, and don’t tell me what you think the situation is, I want the facts. Bear in mind, I’ve been getting updates from Arlo so I know most of it already, I just want to hear you acknowledge it.”

With a sigh, I let the past thirty-six hours play out in my mind. From the moment I arrived in Summer Oak, right up until now. “I found unity in Summer Oak. Their commander cares strongly for the village, and my aid was well warranted and appreciated. Not that I’m searching for those things, but they were there,” I explain, wetting my lips as I recall the sentiment in the monument I made for their fallen. The glassy look in Commander North’s eyes. All of it. “We divided when news of the second attack reached us, but when I arrived here, I did not bring a good presence with me. There’s an awful threat stained onto the walls of the town. The mages don’t want my help, and if I convince them to let me help, or if I continue to try and find her, she’s going to rain more hell down on these people and it will all be my fault.”

That’s the reality. That’s the weight of her threat.

Do nothing, and she will break this kingdom into a million shattered pieces until she splinters me along with it so she can take the crown. Do something and she will leave even more pain and destruction in her wake.

I’m cornered. I know it. She knows it. How the fuck do I handle that?

“Clementine has always had the ability to make you feel defenseless. I understand completely, Addi. What you need to see at this moment is the fact that you are letting the pain of your people consume you. A feeling I wish you never had to experience, but you do, and there’s nothing I can do about it. What I can see is the reason why, and that’s what I need you to look at too. You’re hurting right now because you care. You care for your kingdom, every single part of it. Those you’ve met, those you love, and those you’ve never crossed paths with. That’s something Clementine is never going to understand or feel because she lacks compassion, empathy, and sympathy.”

“Dad,” I breathe, the word a plea on my tongue as a storm of emotions brews inside of me.

“You are everything she is not. It’s okay for the mages to not require your help. Your role as queen is strengthened by respecting their wishes. They can handle it themselves. It’s okay to come home, Addi. It’s okay to take a step back and reassess the situation, especially when she’s leading you on a wild goose chase around the kingdom. The tour can wait for a better time. You have to do what is right, not just for the kingdom or the people, but for you. What does that look like?”

Swinging my legs over the side of the hammock, I steel my core so I don’t lose my balance. I’m done lying around and moping. I’m done letting her weigh down my emotions and take my strength when I need it now more than ever.

My father is right.

If I want to be the best choice for this kingdom, I have to consider what looks right for me too. Accepting that the mages don’t need my help doesn’t mean I’m accepting defeat. Far from it.

“Thank you, Dad.” There’s strength in my tone that wasn’t there earlier, I can hear it myself, and the lilt in his hum through the line tells me he can too.

“Be safe, Addi girl, and I’ll see you when you get home,” he offers, and I mumble my thanks before the call ends.

The moment I drop my cell phone, the room is filled with three of my men. They’re my anchors, my pillars of strength, and that fact alone makes a smile spread across my face.

“You’re looking better,” Brody states, approaching me slowly, and I nod.

“I feel it too,” I admit, noting the calmness in my chest as the anxiety dwindles.

“What’s the plan?” Raiden asks, stroking a thumb down my cheek when he reaches me, and I shrug.

“I think the best plan is for us to rest tonight and travel home in the morning.”

He nods in agreement. “That’s what Arlo thought too but he wanted the decision to come from you.”

Of course he did. “Where is he?”

“He’s organizing food for us.” My stomach chooses that moment to grumble, irritating me, but I do need to eat.

“What’s the plan after that?” I ask, sensing a shift in the room as Kryll clears his throat.

“We thought it might be a good idea for you to relax with the girls tonight. Ease your stress.”

That sounds slightly tempting, but the idea of curling up in a ball and dealing with nothing seems even better. A thought comes to mind. “Why? What are you guys doing?”

They share a look before Raiden pauses the motion of his thumb, tilting my chin up to meet his eyes instead. “We’re going to help clean off the blood.” He says it so matter of factly that the initial pain his words cause quickly fizzles out.

“I’m guessing they would rather I didn’t help,” I state, earning a nod from my vampire. I hate it, but I understand it. “A night in the tent it is for me then,” I add as the material of the makeshift door slips open and two more heads appear.

“Excellent. It’s girl time,” Flora announces with a clap, while Janie starts trying to wave the guys out the door.

A smirk spreads across her face as she takes me in before she winks. “If you don’t have a pussy, get the fuck out!”