Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

B ennett had never been a big fan of New Year’s Eve, but this year it sucked extra hard. He was back in his cramped San Francisco apartment, eating Chinese food out of the carton, surrounded by his dogs, which at any other time was actually his preferred way to spend an evening, but not now. Not anymore. Not when he wanted Kira next to him more than he wanted his left arm. More than he wanted air. More than he wanted…

A knock at the door interrupted his overdramatic thoughts. He needed to get a grip.

‘Coming!’ He emerged from the dog pile, pushing animals off his lap and making his way to the door. He pulled it open and his New Year’s got a million times worse.

‘Ben! You’re alive!’

‘Shit.’

Nicole frowned, her red-painted lips turned down in a little pout. ‘What kind of greeting is that?’

Bennett sighed. He didn’t have the energy to play nice. ‘What do you want, Nic?’

‘Can I come in?’

He squeezed the bridge of his nose. ‘Sure.’

Why the hell not? Why not just dive headfirst back into his old life? Kira didn’t want him but maybe Nicole still did. At least, as much as she ever did.

Nicole wiggled by him. She was wearing a tiny black dress covered in sequins and heels tall enough to turn her five-foot-three into at least five-six. Objectively, she looked hot. Unfortunately, it was doing absolutely nothing for him. Which seemed extra unfair. He couldn’t have Kira and she had ruined other women for him, too? That was just cruel.

Elizabeth and Odie lifted their heads in interest, saw who it was, and decided she wasn’t worth the effort. Pudgy didn’t bother to wake up. Nicole ignored them in return. She’d never been a big fan of his little pack. And apparently, his dogs were smarter than he was. After enough rejections, they’d learned their lesson. Nicole just wasn’t that into them.

‘Well, first of all,’ she said, glancing around at the coffee table strewn with takeout cartons, and his partially unpacked suitcase by the bedroom door. ‘I was worried about you. You haven’t been answering my texts.’ She ran a hand down his arm and gave him that little smile that used to make him feel important, needed. Now it just made him feel annoyed. Annoyed at her. Annoyed at himself for not responding to it. Annoyed at Kira for breaking his brain.

‘I was away.’

‘Oh? That’s good! A little vacation is always nice.’

A little vacation. A devasting heartbreak. Very nice. Highly recommend it.

‘Well, you’ve confirmed I’m alive. So I guess you can go.’

Again, the little pout. He used to kiss it away.

‘God, Bennett. Do you treat all your friends this way?’

‘Is that what we are? Friends?’

Her pout turned into a sexy smile. ‘With benefits.’

He huffed a laugh. ‘They don’t feel like benefits anymore, Nic. It feels like you are using me when you need me and ditching me when you’re tired of me.’

Her eyes widened as he spoke, and he wondered if it was hard to open them that wide with the extra weight of her fake lashes.

‘Is that really how you feel?’

Christ. He did not want to be having this conversation right now. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘It does matter!’ She put a hand on her hip, cocking it out to the side indignantly.

‘Now you care about my feelings?’

‘I’ve always cared about your feelings.’

He stared at her, disbelieving. He should kick her out. Or take her to bed. He wasn’t sure which.

‘Do you want a drink?’ he asked, and her smile grew.

‘Sure.’

His entire apartment was essentially one room, so he could still feel Nicole’s eyes on him as he grabbed two beers from the refrigerator. He popped it open and handed it to her.

They drank in silence, Nicole watching him from her perch on the edge of his dining room table.

‘Why did you move out here?’ she asked, and he wanted to lie. But maybe the start of a new year was the perfect time to exorcize all this baggage from his past.

‘You asked me to.’

She nodded, and took another sip. ‘That was the only reason?’

‘Yes. It was stupid. I’m aware of that now.’ It was still so embarrassing to admit, even now all these years later. At the time, he’d claimed he had a job out here, too. That he’d always wanted to move to the West Coast. But he’d really just wanted to follow the pretty girl that he’d fallen in love with. If he was honest with himself, he’d known even at the time that she didn’t feel the same. But she’d asked . She’d said she needed him, that she didn’t want to be alone. And he’d fallen for it completely.

‘I was glad you came with me.’

He huffed. ‘You had a funny way of showing it. Ditching me after a few months didn’t feel like you were glad.’

‘We were so young! I didn’t know what I wanted.’

‘Clearly.’

‘I’m sorry if I hurt you, Bennett, but I just had to get out of that town. I was scared and you were there for me.’

He shrugged like it didn’t matter, like this one experience hadn’t shaped the way he’d thought about relationships ever since.

‘And in my defense,’ she said, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. ‘You said you had other reasons for coming out here. You’d always wanted to live on the West Coast, remember?’

‘I lied!’ He laughed, the sound harsh and rough. ‘I wanted to be with you.’

Nicole blinked like she hadn’t considered that she was his entire reason for relocating his life.

‘But you’re right,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘We were young. But we’re less young now and yet here you are.’

She pushed off the table and stalked closer, her hips swaying with every step. ‘And you let me in.’

And he’d let her in.

Christ.

He always let her in. How much could he blame her when he’d never once told her how he felt? He’d never turned her away or said he didn’t want to see her anymore. Every time she’d shown up on his doorstep or sent a late-night text, he’d been right there when she needed him. How could she possibly know he was unhappy with the arrangement?

He had never once tried to end this thing between them.

She stood in front of him now close enough that he could smell the perfume she always wore, the floral scent wrapping around him. It was tempting in its familiarity.

‘I’m glad you’re back,’ she said, her eyes flicking up to his. She pressed a hand to his chest, the warmth seeping through to his skin. ‘We always ring in the New Year together.’

‘Why is that, Nic?’ he asked and he really wanted to know. Why? Why did she keep coming back, even though she clearly didn’t want to keep him around long term?

‘Tradition?’ She leaned closer, wrapping her arms around his neck, her body pressed against his. ‘And I can always count on you, Ben,’ she purred. ‘You’re always here for me.’

Ah, yes. Bennett, the human security blanket.

‘Yeah, I don’t think I can do that anymore.’

Her eyes widened in surprise as he unwound her arms from his neck. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, I can’t wait around here for you to need me.’

‘I never meant for you to wait around, Ben. I thought we had an … arrangement. Like I said, friends with benefits and all that.’

‘Friends implies that we’re there for each other, not that you disappear for nine months of the year and then circle back when you’re lonely or dumped or it’s fucking New Year’s.’

‘Bennett…’

‘No, no, I’m sorry, Nic. I can’t do it anymore.’ He stepped back, needing physical space between them, afraid he would accidentally fall back into bad habits. Because this was the bad habit. Not helping people, not caring for them, nor wanting to be there for Kira. The bad habit was staying in a relationship that made him miserable. The bad habit was not telling this woman exactly how he felt.

She was right. They had been so young when this all started.

But they weren’t anymore.

He didn’t regret the start of this thing. He’d been naive and in love and he’d followed a girl across the country and for a few months it had been amazing and exciting. And he was happy to have had that experience.

But he regretted that he hadn’t let the end be the end.

He’d held onto this rotten thing for too long.

‘You should go,’ he said.

She was studying him with a little furrow between her brows. ‘You met someone?’

Yes. And she was perfect even though she didn’t believe it. And she was smart and funny and so fucking beautiful it hurt. And she loved dogs and reindeer and probably every other animal under the sun. And she was stubborn. And brave.

Braver than him because she was trying to change.

But Nicole didn’t need to know any of that.

‘It doesn’t matter. I just…’ he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I just don’t want to be your standby anymore. I’m sorry.’

‘What if I want more?’

‘You don’t.’

Her hands were on her hips again. ‘Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to lose you. I can try harder to be … what you want.’

She looked at him with big eyes and he knew she was scared. He believed her, that she would try for him, that she didn’t want to lose him, but in this, he needed to be selfish.

‘We had our chance, so many chances. I think it’s best for both of us to finally move on.’

Tears filled her eyes and he opened his arms to her. She fell into them, pressing her face against his chest.

‘I am sorry,’ she sniffled. ‘I thought you were okay with this. I thought you liked seeing me.’

‘Of course I did. I still do.’ He rubbed a hand down her sequined back. ‘But I just … I need to move on.’

They stayed like that for a long time, and he felt like he was holding his past in his arms. They’d spent so much of their lives connected to each other. Memories flooded him: spending nights in her way-too-small dorm-room bed, driving cross country in her crappy old hatchback, hoping they would make it, sleeping on an air mattress in their first studio apartment. After she left the first time, it had only been a few months before she returned, crying, needing a friend, comfort, and eventually they fell back into bed together.

And round and round they went.

Until now.

He kissed the top of her head and she pulled away. Miraculously, her makeup had stayed put.

‘I was going to invite you to Sunny’s party tonight, but I’m guessing that’s a no?’

He gave her a small smile. ‘That’s a no.’

She nodded, brushing her hair back behind her ears again. ‘So, what are the rules? Can I still talk to you?’

‘Eventually. I just need some time.’

‘Okay.’ Her voice was a choked whisper, and his heart broke a little more.

At the door, she reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek.

‘Happy New Year, Nic.’

‘Happy New Year, Bennett.’

He closed the door behind her, and even though his heart still hurt, he felt lighter. Maybe the exorcism worked. Maybe this really would be a new year.