Josh

JOSH

You’d think with my general love for Christmas and not having truly, properly celebrated it during the last twenty years or so, I’d take the opportunity to celebrate with other people and run with it. It seems like a reasonable assumption.

But when I wake up on Christmas morning, I don’t really feel excitement or joy. If anything, it’s a bit more like… I honestly don’t know how to describe it. It’s a kind of anxious trepidation.

I don’t belong here, and as much as I want a real Christmas, as much as I want to experience the kind of magical, happy family holiday I remember from my childhood, this is not going to be it. It’s Gabriel’s family. I’m not a part of it. I’m an impostor.

Not that it matters much. Gabriel’s family will treat me like I’m him, so I guess what I’m afraid of is falling in love with it all. And then how will I ever go back to my old life? Already my own lonely Christmas feels… Well, lonely.

Because there are moments now when I start to forget that this isn’t real. That these people are not mine. That I don’t actually belong here. That snow fights and Christmas lights and the charades we played last night—those aren’t for me.

I stare out the window and try to prepare myself. Two more days. Then we’ll go back to New York and try to figure this thing out. Hopefully I’ll get my life back.

And Gabriel…

I guess we’ll go back to the way things used to be. No more late-night talks. No more laughing together. No more snow fights. No more feeling like I’m seeing a new side of Gabriel.

No more thinking to myself, how, how have I not noticed all of this before? How have I never really seen Gabriel before? Past the surface.

Well, you have noticed, my brain says snidely. You noticed he was special the very first time you saw him. Just thirteen, and you saw something that drew you to him. You just hid and pretended it was all irritation.

Not that it matters. Once these next few days are over, I’ll take a good, hard look at my life. Maybe… maybe it’s time to admit to myself that I’ll never be a priority for my grandparents no matter how much I try to make them see me by being perfect and following the plan they’ve set up for me. Maybe it’s time to admit to myself that this isn’t the way I want to live my life. Maybe it’s time to grow up and figure out what I want to do with my life.

“Those seem like some deep thoughts.”

I snap my head around to find Gabriel eyeing me from the other side of the bed.

“Just… trying to figure out what happens when we get back to New York.”

“Any ideas?”

I shake my head. “As reluctant as I am to admit it, the face-swap surgery is still at the top of the list as of right now.”

“That’s not surprising. I always was better at brainstorming.”

“You’re basing this claim on what, exactly?”

“Experience,” he says, laughing when I make a face at him. He seems relaxed, at least. That makes one of us.

“What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get your body back?” he asks.

“Get my head checked? And then make sure I never, ever touch anything electrical at the same time as you do. Just as a precaution.”

“Sounds like a good plan.”

This is a bit of a deviation. We never seem to agree on anything, but these last few days, I don’t seem to mind as much as I usually do. Or at least, as I usually tell myself I do.

“Unless we don’t figure out a way to switch back,” I continue. “In which case, I’ll start a lucrative career in porn.”

He stills for a moment, a startled look on his face, which is pretty satisfying, to be honest.

“Good. Then you’ll have money to invest in the Ponzi scheme I’m starting.”

“I’ll have even more when I retire, very publicly find God, and come out as a megachurch pastor.”

“Ask me to speak in one of your sermons, and I’ll tell your congregation all about my newest venture where I bring back lead. Paint. Gasoline. Water. It’s just better with lead. I’ll be the face and spokesperson of the company. A lead influencer, if you will.”

“It’s nice to know we both have plans,” I say.

We grin at each other, and Gabriel chuckles under his breath.

“Come on. Up. There’s lots to do before the rest of the family arrives.”

We both dress in jeans and sweaters and head downstairs. The kitchen is already mayhem with everybody moving around, getting breakfast for themselves. There are a bunch of people here already that I don’t know. They all move past me, giving me quick hugs and shoulder pats while continuing their conversations.

“Grab anything edible,” Gabriel’s mom tells Gabriel. “That applies until dinner.”

“Will do,” Gabriel says cheerfully and heads to the pantry. I follow him.

“Sandwiches?” Gabriel asks.

I nod. He gathers everything he needs and puts together a plate for us. It’s difficult to find a place to eat in the chaos, so we end up sitting on the stairs, sharing the sandwiches and passing a bottle of orange juice between the two of us.

We’re almost done with breakfast when Gabriel’s mom comes to stand in the doorway.

“Gabe, sweetheart, can you two take care of the tree?”

I’m not a hundred percent sure what taking care of the tree entails, but I nod anyway.

“Sure, Mom,” I say.

She sends a bright smile my way and disappears from the doorway.

I turn toward Gabriel.

“What exactly did I just agree to?”

“Finding a Christmas tree from the forest.” He pats my knee. “Eat up. We’re in for a hike.”

Oh. Well, score, I guess.

“You only bring the Christmas tree in on the twenty-fifth?” I ask.

“It’s always been the tradition. We have the little tree in the foyer, but Mom likes it when the kids get the chance to decorate, so the real tree comes in when everybody’s arrived.”

That makes me smile. My grandparents always get their place decorated by an interior designer, but this sounds lovely.

I put the empty plate in the dishwasher then go back to the foyer, where Gabriel is already waiting with my jacket. We get dressed, put on our boots, and head outside. It’s a bit startling how quiet it is here compared to what’s going on inside the house.

Another car turns into the driveway.

“That’s my aunt and uncle,” Gabriel says. “Pamela and Pierce.”

A woman with bright red hair climbs out of the car and immediately zeroes in on me. She holds her arms out and sends me a wide smile.

“A welcome committee. Isn’t this nice, Pierce?”

Gabriel’s uncle nods, his smile a bit more subdued.

I step closer, and Pamela gives me a tight hug.

“Do you want any help with your bags?” I ask.

“I won’t say no.”

Gabriel and I grab a suitcase each from the trunk and carry them inside before we retreat outside again.

“Come on,” Gabriel says. “Otherwise we might get stuck here until dark.”

He grabs a saw from the shed and off we go.

“You have a lot of family,” I say as we make our way through the snow.

“Mom has three sisters and Dad has two brothers and two sisters. Plus, kids. And grandkids.”

I let out a low whistle.

“And they’re all supposed to fit in the house?” I ask.

“Not everybody will make it. Some are going to visit other family. Some are working. Some are traveling and couldn’t make it.”

“How many people will there be, then?”

He seesaws his hand. “Anywhere between twenty and thirty-five. I don’t think anybody’s specifically counted.”

“Well, you’ll be referring to a lot of them as dude. Just so you know.”

“I’ll survive.”

We head deeper into the woods with Gabriel leading the way.

“I assume you know where we’re going?” I say after a little while.

He turns around but keeps walking backward. “Wait, I thought you were the one in charge.”

“From behind you?” I say pointedly.

He rolls his eyes. “Relax, city boy. I know every inch of this forest. You could blindfold me, and I’d still know where I was.”

“Words I never imagined coming out of my mouth.”

Words that are strangely… hot. Oh God. This is getting weird. I mean, this whole thing is already weird as fuck, but if anybody is destined to develop some extremely weird issues because of this, it’s me. I’ll probably get my body back and come out on the other side of this painfully attracted to myself. That is absolutely how this is going to go.

I’m so absorbed in trying to come to terms with that very probable outcome that it takes me a few moments to catch on to what else this means.

Because I’m well aware it’s not me thinking or saying those things. I know it’s Gabriel. So when I say I’m attracted to that…

Nope. Not going there.

And I’m also just going to exercise the freedom to ignore the concerningly loud way my heart is thrumming in my chest. I have enough issues with this situation already—I don’t need to stir anything new into this pot of crazy.

Gabriel, in the meantime, is using the blade of the hand saw to shake snow off tree branches.

“This one.”

Thank fuck—a distraction.

I circle the tree and study it from all sides. It’s a nice tree. Tall and symmetrical, with a decent number of branches.

“It looks good.”

“Score.” He steps closer. “Hold it still?”

“Wait, what?”

“Hold the tree? So I can cut it down?” he says slowly, like I’m hard on hearing.

“We can’t take the first good one we see.” I wave my hand around. “We haven’t even discovered what else is on offer.”

He stares at me blankly for a few moments before he mutters, “Oh, dear God. Seriously?”

“Umm. Yeah? You have to see what else is out there. This isn’t like picking up bread from the store. You don’t just take the first one you see.”

“It’s a Christmas tree. That’s exactly what you do.”

“Is this your first time doing this?”

He opens and closes his mouth a few times in clear disbelief. “Is it yours ?”

“We’ll keep this tree as a strong contender. We’ll have another look around, and if we don’t find anything better, we’ll take this one.”

“You mean we’ll settle for this one,” he says.

“It’s not settling if we conclude that this is the best option. Taking this tree right now is settling.”

He looks like he wants to argue some more, but eventually he just rolls his eyes and motions for me to start moving. “I guess we’ll look at some more, then.”

“You won’t regret it,” I promise.

Twenty minutes later it starts to snow. Thick, heavy flakes float around us at first, then seem to decide floating just doesn’t do the trick, which means another ten minutes later, it’s a freaking snowstorm. There’s so much snow that I can’t see even a few feet in front of me. It’s all just white.

“Well, I sure am glad we didn’t pick that first tree,” Gabriel drawls. “Then we would’ve been home already, warm and dry.”

“And we would’ve missed out on all the magic. You’re so right.”

It’s a lot of snow, though. In another ten minutes, everything but Gabriel’s face is also white. His hat. His jacket. His pants. His boots. His gloves. All of it is covered in a layer of snow. If this continues, we’ll get to see if Gabriel was lying about finding his way home blindfolded.

“This one?” Gabriel motions toward another tree. I squint, but that doesn’t really help, so instead, I go closer, wrap my hand around the trunk of the tree and shake it to get the snow off. That’s followed by a shout of protest. I turn to the side and bite back a laugh before I hold my hands up in front of myself.

“That was an honest mistake.”

Gabriel pulls his glove off and wipes the snow off his face. “Sure. You look like you’re really sorry.”

“I am. I didn’t?—”

He charges and tackles me, so we both end up in a snowdrift.

I squeak when some of the snow gets under my jacket and reaches my bare skin. Gabriel takes advantage and straddles me before he leans down, gathers a handful of snow, and holds it above my face.

“Say you’re sorry.”

“You wouldn’t.”

He quirks one brow and sprinkles some of the snow on me.

“Okay, fine. Fine,” I say. “I’m sorry”—I scoop up a handful of snow and throw it at him—“that you’re too slow!”

I shove my hips up so he loses his balance, and I’m free, but just as I push myself to my feet, fingers wrap around my ankle, and I go down again. Gabriel grabs my scarf, and he stuffs a handful of snow inside my collar. I reciprocate with snow under the hem of his jacket.

We wrestle in the snow, both huffing and puffing, and I can’t hold my laughter in anymore. We’re an uncoordinated mess of limbs and bodies, and everything about this moment is ridiculous, but I haven’t laughed this hard in forever.

“Truce,” I manage to say through my laughter. “I give up. Truce.”

We both stop moving and the laughter slowly dies down. Gabriel and I both blink at each other. Me underneath him. Him on top of me. Sometime while we were wrestling, the snowfall stopped, so only a few flakes are still coming down around us.

Gabriel is breathing harshly on top of me, covered in snow.

He leans forward, reaches out, and wipes snow off my eyebrows. His eyes widen as if he’s only now realizing what he’s doing.

My breath gets stuck somewhere in my lungs, and everything seems to go very quiet. Gabriel licks his lips. My lips. It’s me. He’s me. Only he feels distinctly like Gabriel right now.

His eyes are still locked with mine, and he starts to lean toward me.

And I want him to.

That’s when a big branch above us seems to reach its snow limit, because an avalanche suddenly rains down on us, and by the time it’s done, I’m buried under at least five inches of snow.

Whatever insanity spell we were both under a minute ago, it’s gone now. Gabriel looks at me with wide eyes, small piles of snow on the top of his head and on his shoulders. He looks up just in time to get another faceful of snow from whatever tree gods are looking down upon us right now.

I snort out a laugh, but when he sends me an acerbic look, I tamp it down to a grin.

“You’re wet,” I say.

He rolls off me and gets up, then reaches out toward me. I stare at his hand for a moment before I take it, then he pulls me to my feet and we both wipe the snow off ourselves.

I don’t know what to say or where to look.

The laughter is gone now, replaced by something weird and tense.

“That first tree was pretty great,” I say. Just to say something. Just to cut through this weird, lingering moment. “Now that I think about it.”

“We agree on something. Let’s mark this day down as historic,” Gabriel replies.

We trudge through the snow back to the first tree, and Gabriel takes the saw and cuts it down.

And then we quietly make our way back home.

Still in that lingering, tense silence.

By the time we get back to the house, I’m freezing my balls off. My teeth are starting to chatter as we head upstairs.

“You can have the first shower,” he says.

“You sure?”

He nods.

I grab dry clothes and take them into the bathroom. Once I’ve unfrozen myself under the warm water, I make my way back to Gabriel’s room. He looks up when he hears me enter, takes his own pile of clothes, and quietly leaves the room.

I stand in silence for a minute, my thoughts too loud, before I shake my head and go downstairs. The tree is already up and there are boxes with decorations around it. There are eight kids in the room, all of them decorating the tree with their parents helping. I lean my back against the wall and watch it all quietly.

About ten minutes later, Gabriel comes downstairs and stands beside me.

Gabriel’s mom walks into the room a moment later, carrying a smaller carboard box. She opens it, takes out a glass bauble with holly and red berries on it that are decorated with gold glitter. She holds it up and looks around until her eyes fall on me, and she smiles.

She walks toward where Gabriel and I are standing and holds the bauble out for me.

“Here you go, honey.”

I take the bauble and stare at it.

It’s beautiful.

“It’s mine,” Gabriel says quietly next to me. “We each have one we picked out a long time ago that we hang on the tree. It’s a tradition of sorts.”

“You should hang it, then,” I say.

He shakes his head. “You do it.”

“But—”

“I want you to do it,” he says, and then he smiles and chuckles at whatever he sees on my face. “Go ahead.”

I approach the tree, pick a branch, and hang the ornament.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I feel so unbalanced. It’s an ornament, for fuck’s sake.

“Okay?” Gabriel asks with a small frown when I stop next to him.

“Yeah. Cool. I’ll just… Just gonna go get a glass of water.”

He sends me a funny look, but I escape before he can ask anything else.

I just need a moment to get my head straight and stop being an idiot.

Since everybody else is in the living room, the kitchen is quiet. I contemplate actually having some water, but in the end, I slide the door that leads to the back patio open and slip outside.

Cold air will do me some good and snap me out of this weird headspace.

I lean back against the wall, close my eyes, and breathe in.

I don’t even have time to breathe out before the door slides open again, and Gabriel steps out. He doesn’t ask any questions. Just leans against the wall next to me.

“I really like this house,” I say when we’ve both been quiet for a long time. “It’s a home, you know? And it’s so noisy and just… lovely.”

“It’s—”

“You’re very lucky.” I interrupt him. For some reason, I feel the need to say it, even though he probably already knows it.

“Am I?” he says.

I nod vigorously. “The luckiest. You know when your mom or your dad hugs you? They hold on. It’s not just a passing gesture. If you wanted to keep hugging them, they’d hug you as long as you needed it.”

“That’s how it’s supposed to be, I think,” he says carefully.

“Yeah. And you have so many siblings, who all love you so much, so if you were out driving and your car died on some back road, I bet somebody would come and pick you up when they found out about it.” I stare off into the darkness and feel just a bit crazy because I’m spewing all this out and there are so many people inside, who all look ecstatic to see me, and here I am, feeling like I’m about to cry from loneliness.

“,” he says, almost imploringly.

“Erin said you’re going to be the best man at their wedding. That’s sweet.”

“It is.”

I rub my palm over my face and exhale loudly.

“Have you always wanted to be a lawyer?” I blurt. Just another random thought that should’ve remained in my head but somehow found its way into my mouth.

I can feel Gabriel’s eyes on the side of my face, but I don’t turn to meet his gaze.

“Not always,” he says after a little bit. “When I was seven, I wanted to be a fireman.”

I send him a look out of the corner of my eye. “You hate heights.”

“Yeah, I figured that out too. I went to save the neighbor’s cat from their tree and didn’t dare climb down after I reached it.”

I snort out a laugh and shake my head. “That must’ve been a blow.”

“No, the blow was the part where the cat climbed past me once I’d reached him and just sort of sauntered down the trunk and walked off. Our neighbor called the fire department to come and save me.”

“That’s a lovely story. I’ll have that as my Christmas present. Thanks.”

“Yeah, well. After that I decided I wanted to become a pilot.”

My lips twitch as I study him. “Your deductions skills hadn’t fully developed yet?”

“I was seven. I figured flying a plane was like being inside a house.” He’s quiet for a bit. “But then when the farm burned down, we had a really great lawyer. We couldn’t afford him, to be honest, but he said he’d make it work and that the insurance company was full of shit. And he helped set it right.”

He sends me a thoughtful look, accompanied by a small frown. “A lot of people approach fighting injustice in grand terms. Almost as if for your work to matter you should be able to change the course of history. Like making a difference only counts if you do it in the grand scheme of things.” He’s staring into the distance, an unfocused look in his eyes before he shakes his head and blinks. “I want to help. I suppose that’s the gist of it.”

I don’t really know how we got here. To this. How are we standing here, in the cold winter night… sharing?

How come we never have before?

“What about you?” he says after a moment.

This is the part where I have a good reason ready to go. Something similar to Gabriel’s, about wanting to be good and do good.

I’ve got nothing.

Have I always wanted to be a lawyer? No. I said it once at a dinner party when one of the guests put me on the spot, and I just blurted it out.

And my grandmother, for the first time in my life, had seemed… tentatively hopeful. The next evening, she’d come to my room while I was doing homework and asked about school, and at that moment, it had felt like a lot. Leftovers after a lifetime of starvation, which had felt like a feast.

I’d just thrown myself into the task. Achieve that goal. Maybe they’ll love you then. Maybe you’ll make up for the disappointment their daughter clearly turned out to be, right?

I finally manage a shrug. “Family business.”

He doesn’t seem satisfied with that answer, if that deepening frown is anything to go by. I latch on to that frown. I hope he’s judging me. Then I’d have a reason to be angry. I’d really love it if I could get angry right about now. It’s so much easier than facing this mess inside my head.

For the better part of the last ten years, Gabriel so much as breathing in my direction has given me enough of a push to feel the sweet simmer of irritation.

Now, suddenly, there’s nothing.

He just sends me a long, contemplative look, which make me apprehensive, but not even mildly annoyed.

“What did your parents do?” he asks.

“My dad was a journalist. My mom was in grad school. They met when they were both arrested at a protest.”

“That’s a different start to a love story.”

“Oh, that’s not even the half of it. He was married. I mean, separated from the first wife, but still. Wasn’t really a good look around the time when my grandmother was heading toward the position of supreme court judge. From what I gathered there was an ultimatum. Put an end to the relationship or you’re disowned. Something like that.”

“And your mother chose your father?”

“Yeah. She was already pregnant with me when that big falling-out happened, but even if that hadn’t been the case… I don’t remember much about them, and what I do, well, you kind of start to doubt how much of was real and what was childhood rose colored glasses, right? I remember they were great parents, but I started to kind of question my memory, too. I emailed my mom’s best friend a couple of years ago. My grandparents aren’t really that interested in telling me about my parents, so I figured maybe somebody who loved them would tell me about them.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat and look down at my fingers.

“And?” Gabriel asks.

I shrug. “They were good people. With their flaws, of course, but… they loved each other like crazy. And they loved me.”

Instead of saying anything, he moves closer until our shoulders are touching, and somehow it makes the lump in my throat worse.

“I wanted to be a cashier in a grocery store when I was growing up,” I say.

He quirks his brow at me. “Because?”

“The cash register looked fun. And I assumed you could eat all the candy.”

“You and sugar,” he says, but not like he disapproves. It’s much worse. It sounds almost affectionate.

I don’t know what to do with that.

He turns his head and looks at me.

“,” he says.

There’s something there. In his voice. Something I can’t decipher or explain, and I honestly don’t think I have the energy or room in my brain to sort through any of this mess we’re in right now. To try and come to terms with why he suddenly sounds like this. Imploring and gentle and a bit nervous.

I don’t think I have the courage to face what it is. For a huge part of my life, Gabriel has been a constant.

“And then I wanted to be a stripper,” I say, and I’m fully aware I sound almost desperate.

He stares at me for a moment. “As a kid?”

“Hey, the job description was great. I liked dancing, wearing clothes seemed like a hassle, and I liked dollar bills.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“I got older. It ruins a lot of things.”

“Does it?”

“Most things are easier when you’re a kid.”

“Growing up isn’t that bad.”

“You would say that.” I stare into the distance for a few seconds before I start to push myself off the wall. “We should?—”

He turns, his body blocking mine. Gabriel is so close all of a sudden, and there’s something about the way he’s looking at me. Something wild and intense and new.

“What are you—” I start to say.

He leans forward.

And his lips come down on mine.

I’m frozen for a moment. My body catches on before my brain. My hands go to Gabriel’s hair. His fingers clutch my hips. My heart pounds loudly in my ears.

Gabriel pulls me closer to him, and two things happen at once.

His tongue swipes over mine, and I stumble forward. I step on something slippery and lose my balance at once. Gabriel’s eyes widen, and we both go down.

The back of my head smacks against the patio.

Everything goes dark at once.