Gabriel

GAbrIEL

I shouldn’t have done that.

The stupidity of what I said sobers me up and follows me home through the dark, cold winter night. Josh walks next to me in complete silence. I’ve never heard silence quite this loud before, especially from Josh.

We get back to my parents’ house and quietly go inside. The house is dark. My parents, Ash, and the kids had a board game night while we were out, but they’ve all long since gone to bed.

We sneak upstairs. Josh grabs his clothes and escapes into the bathroom, and when he comes back, I copy him, hurrying to put some distance between the two of us myself.

Once we’re both in bed, the silence gets even louder. Neither of us addresses it. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Frankly, I’m not even sure where all of what I said came from.

There was just Josh, subscribing to some stupid notion about soulmates, which rammed home just how incompatible we really are, before some spontaneous side of me took over with the aim of proving that I’m right.

It’d be nice if all of what came out of my mouth had been purposefully designed to make a point.

It’s much worse.

I think…

I think I might’ve meant it.

The words.

Everything I said.

I think I might’ve accidentally verbalized some inner musings that were never meant to see the light of day. I was never meant to admit those things to myself, let alone him.

I blow out a silent breath and stare at the ceiling.

This is a mess.

The whole next day, Josh is quiet. Contemplative. Which… It’s not unheard of for me to be this way. Buried in a book or preoccupied, preparing for a test or exam or just lost in thought, so in a way Josh is probably doing a pretty good job being me right now.

If.

If he wasn’t being so freaking weird. He blushes when he looks at me. I don’t blush. Never have. He’s jumpy. He seems to be lost for words when I speak to him, and considering the things I say are pretty mundane stuff, his reactions become pretty noticeable.

I can’t even blame him.

It’s my fault.

I made things fucking weird with my little speech.

You couldn’t just keep your mouth shut, could you, ?

Clearly not.

But since I don’t know how to address any of it, I just… choose not to.

As a result we awkwardly try to feign normalcy. The good part is, I don’t think anybody else really notices that Josh and I are being awkward. The not so good part is that I notice it a hell of a lot.

It’s boring.

Yeah.

I said that.

I like plans. I like order. Turns out I like those things in combination with Josh bringing some excitement to my life with his snarky attitude and jokes and his general Josh-ness.

Turns out I also want that general Josh-ness to be directed at me.

Yeah.

Go figure.

He’s outside right now with Evie and Cal, building a snowman. Ari’s kids seem to really like this new version of Uncle Gabe who rolls around in the snow with them for hours and plays whatever game they come up with, from catch to snow soccer.

“What’s funny?” my mother asks from behind me.

We’re in the kitchen. I volunteered to help with preparations. It’s Christmas tomorrow, so even more family is going to come to our place. Aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews. Christmas is a big deal in our family. Everybody loves it, and my parents have hosted their big Christmas celebration ever since they moved back here. It was different in New York. We didn’t have the space to have the whole family there, and I know my parents missed the huge party, so I’m glad they get to have it again nowadays.

I motion toward the window that looks into the backyard where Evie, Cal, and Josh are making a snow castle now, by the looks of it.

“They’re going to run out of snow soon,” I say. There are already two snowmen, a snow dog, and a snow camel in the yard.

Mom looks out the window too, and smiles.

“I don’t know what you’ve done with my son. He’s usually not that enthusiastic about snow.”

I’m not. I suppose my own mother would know.

“Christmas spirit, I guess.”

She walks past me on her way to the fridge and squeezes my shoulder. I resist leaning into the touch. It’d be weird.

My parents have always been tactile people. All of us grew up with hugs and casual touches. I miss it. I miss being hugged. But right now, I’m Josh, so I’ll have to make do with scraps.

“You and have known each other for a long time,” Mom says.

“Yes. Closing in on a decade soon.”

It takes a lot of effort and concentration to remember who I’m supposed to be, and since Josh isn’t here, I can’t rely on him to intervene if I mess it up.

“He probably owes you for making him work so hard in school,” Mom says with a laugh.

“That might have been mutual.”

“I don’t doubt it.” She sends me a smile and leans against the counter. “I hope I’m not overstepping, but I like you with .”

This is awkward, and I’m not sure how to divert this conversation.

“Oh?” I say.

She nods, a small smile on her lips. “Gabe gets so hell-bent on whatever he sets his mind on that he sometimes forgets to live. Or at least to stop and just enjoy what life throws at him every once in a while. Whenever he’s mentioned you… he gets a fire in his eyes. It’s nice to see.”

My heart gets uncomfortably loud in my chest.

“We argue a lot,” I blurt out.

My mother tilts her head to the side, smile still in place. “Do you?”

I give some sort of shrug and nod hybrid.

“Do you mind?” she asks.

I give up trying to pretend I’m Josh, at least for myself.

Do I mind?

“Gabe looks like his father, but he’s a lot like me. Very stubborn. Holds a grudge.”

I stop just short of arguing with that.

“Proud,” Mom continues. “Very proud. We both let our pride hold us back. I can see that side of myself in him a lot. Asking for help? That’s a no-go. Feeling like somebody might pity him or feel sorry for him? Even worse. He does not know how to deal with that.”

Well that’s… humbling.

“He’s also loyal. Loves his family to the moon and back. After the farm burned down, we had nothing. Just the clothes on our backs and each other.” She looks out the window at Josh. “We placed some of the burden on our kids’ backs, found they could carry them, and added more. Inadvertently, I’d like to think. But it was placing a burden on them nonetheless. The intentions don’t matter much. They all got after-school jobs, and we saved every penny, first to afford lawyers’ fees to fight with the insurance company, then later to start rebuilding our lives here.” She looks around the kitchen. “I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. To let them all take on our worries and responsibilities.”

“We— and the others didn’t mind,” I say.

She sends me a tight-lipped smile. “It is what it is. None of us can go back and change what’s done already. The only thing we can do is set our sights on the future and not repeat past mistakes.” Her smiles turns back to the wide, friendly one from before. “I’m glad you’re here, Joshua. You light a fire in him. needs it. He needs somebody who challenges him and doesn’t just… roll over to please him.”

“Does he?” I can’t help but ask.

“Oh, I have no doubt.” Mom lets out a bright laugh. “I’ve seen other boyfriends. All those relationships have been very nice and civil.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“Not necessarily. If that’s what you’re after.”

“And isn’t?”

“I suspect my son would get and has gotten horribly bored in civil, calm relationships.” She laughs again and goes to check on the cake she put in the oven earlier.

I’m left standing in place, mind going a thousand miles a minute.

Well, that’s just not?—

I happen to enjo?—

There’s nothing wro?—

I blink and stare out the window, where Josh has lifted Evie up and is chasing after Cal. Evie’s shrieks of laughter are loud and filled with joy.

Do I get bored in nice, calm relationships?

No, that can’t be it. That’s just crazy talk. I’ve had good relationships. Great relationships.

There was Gavin. He was nice. Our relationship was calm because Gavin was calm. He was very levelheaded. We had similar goals and aspirations. We never argued, and I didn’t mind that at all. I got plenty of arguing done at school because I was in a semester-long group project with Josh at the time, so by the time I met up with Gavin, I was usually all argued out. Besides, Gavin was so reasonable he would never have spent forty-five minutes on a fiery debate about fonts.

Well then why aren’t you two crazy kids still together?

I mean, it just… fizzled out.

Maybe Gavin isn’t the best example.

There was also Brennan.

Brennan was great. Our relationship was… calm and levelheaded and we never disagreed on anything.

And then it just fizzled out.

Holy fuck.

Scott.

Calm.

Levelheaded.

It fizzled out.

Well that doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a coincidence.

Do you miss any of them?

Sure. I’m not made of stone.

Do you even think about them?

Sure. I just did.

Before three seconds ago. Did you think about any of them? Have you thought about any of them? And on that same note, how much of your day would you say you spend thinking about Josh?

Okay, that’s not fair. He’s impossible not to think about. He’s irritating!

And I’m officially having an argument with myself.

This is normal and levelheaded, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, Josh has dragged an old sled out of the shed and is giving Evie and Cal rides on it. Most of those rides seem to end with the kids landing in snow, but neither of them seem to mind, judging by their loud demands to “go again.”

I don’t know what makes me do it, but I turn around.

“Do you need any more help right now?” I ask my mom.

She sends a knowing look my way. “I think I’m good for now.”

I nod, walk out of the kitchen, and run up the stairs, two at a time. Once in my room, I put on Josh’s snow pants and a thick sweater, then I head back downstairs. A winter jacket, gloves, hat, and boots on, I open the front door and go outside.

“More! More!” Evie chants as Josh runs past me with Cal on the sled.

I have no fucking clue why I’m here or what I want or how I feel or what I think.

Josh turns around, and for a change, he smiles at me without getting that guarded look.

“Oh thank God! Reinforcements!” he shouts. “My prayers have been answered.”

He dramatically flings himself onto his back in the snow.

I snort out a laugh. I can’t help it. He’s ridiculous. He’s making me ridiculous, but I can’t seem to find it in me to mind or even care.

This thing I feel inside me whenever I’m near Josh, what if it’s not irritation? What if calling it irritation is me purposefully hiding from what it really is?

What if it actually is excitement?

I stuff my hands into my jacket pockets and walk closer. “This might be the first time I’ve ever seen you look happy to see me.”

He lifts his head and grins at me. “It’s nice that you seem shocked by it. Means I’ve still got it.”

“Is that the goal? To shock me?”

“No. It just tends to take very little effort, so it’s a nice side bonus.”

The door of the house opens and Ari sticks her head out. “Evie. Cal. Inside.”

My niece and nephew stick their heads out from behind the half-finished snow castle.

“Five more minutes,” Evie says.

Ari crosses her arms over her chest. “Now.”

“But, Mom!” they both say in unison.

Ari simply quirks her brow, after which two pairs of shoulders slump, and the kids head inside.

Josh watches the whole thing with wide eyes. When the door shuts behind Cal, Josh turns to look at me. “That was seriously impressive.”

“You’re easy to please.”

He doesn’t appreciate that comment. How do I know? The fact that he swipes my feet from underneath me with his own foot is a bit of a hint.

I land on my back, and it knocks the breath right out of me.

“Dick,” I say once I manage to get some air into my lungs again.

“Don’t talk dirty to me right now. I haven’t touched one in forever, so I’m light on the trigger.”

I try to bite back my smile, but I don’t really succeed.

“My ass is getting wet,” I say grimly.

Josh lets out a loud groan. “Christ’s sake. It’s not even the good kind of dirty talk, but I’m still ready to go.”

“Try not to wiggle around too much. If you come in your pants you’ll freeze my dick.”

“A solution from somewhere I didn’t expect.” He widens his eyes and gyrates his hips.

I roll my eyes. “That’s the only piece of advice you’ll get from me, so don’t come running to me for help when you find that your underwear is suddenly frozen to your dick.”

“Well, that just ruins everything . How exactly do you imagine this will play out? I’ll run to you and be all, ‘Oh, , would you blow hot air on my penis?’” He lowers his voice to something that can only be described as a sultry whisper. “‘Maybe put it in your mouth to melt it? I could use something warm and wet because it’s so cold.’”

My heart is galloping in my chest at an insane speed, and I scramble to get back into a sitting position. Anything so Josh won’t be able to see the effect that little performance had on me.

“You’ll catch a cold if you keep lying on the ground.” My voice is curt. It’s curt half the time, and in a lot of cases, I don’t mean to come off that way. I still do though, and people either write me off as insufferable and surly or just get scared of me. Josh has always been an exception. He doesn’t take anything I say personally. He’s not bothered. He’s not offended. Most of the time he just fires back.

And…

I like it.

I stare straight ahead with an unseeing gaze and let that realization settle.

I like it.

A hand waves in front of my face, and I snap out of it.

“Did you freeze to the ground?” Josh asks.

My brain is still somewhat offline, and I feel like a kid who’s been caught doing something wrong.

Josh pushes himself to his feet and sends me a thoughtful look.

“You can relax and stop worrying about your cock. There’s no way your dick will freeze to your underwear.” He smirks. “Mainly because I’m not wearing any.”

With those words, he saunters off toward the house.

I drop onto my back in the snow and stare at the darkening sky, and I don’t feel the cold at all anymore, seeing that my blood has heated to boiling point.