Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

Corbin

December 1

“Ilook good. Don’t I look good?” I asked my friends, straightening out my tux dramatically. We were at a fundraiser Elliott’s mom, Cat, had organized for World AIDS Day. Elliott was Parker’s husband, and Parker was one of my best friends. I felt like my life started as a preteen when Marcus, Parker, and Declan came into my life. I didn’t know what it felt like to have friends before them—not real ones. They were more than that to me, though. They were my family, the only ones in the world who loved and accepted me completely, despite my flaws. I didn’t know what I would do without them, and I hoped like hell the day never came that I had to find out.

“You look great, cutie.” Kai winked at me. He was Marcus’s boyfriend, and I had never seen my friend happier. Marcus was my person. He always had been and always would be. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t silently struggling with the fact that he had someone else in his life now. All my friends did, which made it even more difficult. The four of us were now the seven of us, with me being the odd man out. I loved their partners. Kai, Elliott, and Sebastian were great for them. I wanted their happiness more than anything, but what if the time came where they didn’t need me anymore? Because the truth was, I would always need them more than they probably did me.

“I love your boyfriend,” I said cheekily to Marcus, who chuckled.

We talked and laughed, the conversation flowing easily. We joked about Sebastian’s screenplay, which would start filming sometime in the new year, and what roles we hoped were or weren’t in it, depending on how much each of us liked or disliked attention.

I added my thoughts when I should, smiling and teasing because that’s who I was. Making people laugh and being playful were a whole lot easier to deal with than sharing the fears that plagued me constantly.

When Elliott said, “Thank you, beautiful,” and kissed Parker, I took that as my cue to speak again.

“Anyone else turned on?” I joked, making them all laugh, which again helped fill some of those empty spaces inside me, even if only temporarily. “I think I’m going to find me one of these.” I pointed to the group.

“One of what?” Marcus asked. “I’m confused.”

“A boyfriend. I’m gonna find one.”

“Did you try the Boyfriend Warehouse downtown?” Declan joked.

“Ha-ha.” I flipped him off. “I’m serious. I want to try the boyfriend thing too. Anyone have recommendations on where I can get one?” Settling down with someone had never been something I imagined would happen. I figured I was lucky enough to have Marcus, Parker, and Declan. Finding someone else who could handle me and love me for me seemed like asking for too much. And also, I couldn’t pretend I ever thought settling down suited me. I still wasn’t sure if it did. As shitty as it made me sound, feeling wanted by men, lots of them, made me feel important.

We joked back and forth about how I could find a boyfriend, until Marcus stepped away from Kai, wrapped an arm around me, and kissed my temple. “What the hell is wrong with you, kid?” Part of me felt like shit that he had to comfort me this way, that he had to let go of his boyfriend to give me something he knew I needed, but the other part of me burrowed into him, savoring his warmth and how this made me feel loved. I’d always liked affection, but I hadn’t realized how much of a cuddle slut I was until Elliott had called me out on it. I was lucky that none of the boyfriends felt any kind of jealousy over my relationship with my Beach Bums—a nickname we’d come up with for ourselves when we were kids.

“Strange, right?” I finally replied. “The hard part is how I’m going to deal with missing all the sex,” I joked.

“Um…why would you have to miss sex? Marcus and I fuck all the time,” Kai replied. I didn’t have to look to know Marcus made a face. “What? It’s true. And from what I’ve heard, my boss is a dirty-talking sex machine,” Kai said, referring to Declan—Declan owned a bar called Driftwood, and Kai was one of his employees. “Not to mention Elliott over there, praising Parker and almost making me weak in the knees.”

I laughed because Kai was fucking great.

After more back-and-forth, Declan eventually reeled everyone in with, “You guys realize we’re at a fundraiser?” He and Marcus were always the ones who got us back on track.

I couldn’t help letting my eyes wander around the room. I didn’t know what I was looking for exactly…maybe someone who would want to hook up tonight? I could use that, losing myself in sweaty sex, sating desires…

And then I noticed him. Spencer Chase. He’d moved into the apartment next door to mine a while back. I didn’t know what his problem was with me, but he definitely had one. I knew he listened to The Vers, the queer podcast I hosted with Declan, Marcus, and Parker, because he’d made comments about things I said there.

He definitely thought I was shallow—and keeping it real, I kinda was. I cared about how I looked, wanted people to be attracted to me. Okay, maybe I spent too much time thinking about those things. I could see where people thought that, but I’d spent the first half of my life being the butt of people’s jokes, teased and tortured, being called fat and having them make fun of my acne-prone skin and anything else they could think of to make me feel like shit about myself.

Why did so many people enjoy making others feel bad? Why did they point out flaws and always have something negative to say?

Spencer thought I perpetuated a negative stereotype about queer men, that I was enabling a dangerous narrative about body image that hurt queer youth.

“Ugh. Spencer’s here,” I said, but I had to admit, I felt a familiar zing beneath my skin. While it didn’t feel good to hear the things he’d told me, I’d found a way to annoy him, and that was fun. We bickered like an old married couple, and for a reason I couldn’t understand, I enjoyed it. Can anyone say masochist? But then, maybe it was also because I wasn’t dead and could see the way Spencer ate me up with his eyes, could see he wanted me, and maybe wanted me even more when I gave him shit.

“The asshole neighbor?” Marcus asked. Uh-oh. He had his daddy pants on.

“I hate him, and I don’t even know him,” Parker said while I still watched Spencer.

He was cute as fuck. His blond hair was styled in a neat crew cut tonight, and there was a fine layer of scruff along his jaw, which wasn’t something he kept consistently. I’d seen him both with and without it. He had this round, cute nose and pretty green eyes. His broad chest and rounder stomach filled out his tux nicely. But my favorite thing about him was his smile. It looked like he belonged in a toothpaste commercial. He had a wide, boy-next-door grin…that was rarely focused on me. “I’m gonna go talk to him.” I could see the confusion on their faces, so I explained, “I’ve made it my mission to annoy the shit out of him.”

Without waiting to hear what the guys had to say about it, I headed straight for Spencer. As I knew they would, they were right behind me.

“Can I help you?” Spencer asked, eyeing me, before his gaze shot to my friends, then landed on me again.

“Came to say hi. I’m just being polite. You should try it sometime,” I teased, and reveled in the scorching heat in his gaze.

“I’m not playing this game with you,” Spencer replied, just as Cat approached.

“Oh, Spencer! Have you met my son?” Cat said, then to us, “Spencer is the outreach coordinator for the LGBTQ center here. He’s also very active in his work on ending the stigma of HIV and AIDS.”

I didn’t know Spencer well, but that fit in perfectly with my general impression about Spencer, and I admired him for it. That was good work and something I was interested in hearing more about, but I also didn’t want him to know I was really curious, so I played it off like I just wanted to frustrate him. Also…it gave me a reason to continue talking to him. “Wow. That’s really impressive. I’d love to hear more.”

Spencer gave me a forced smile. “I’m sure you have other things to do.”

“Nope. Not at all. Unless there’s some reason you don’t want to tell me about your work?” A reason like him being attracted to me even though he hated that he was.

“Of course not.”

“Great! Come with me. I’ll get us a drink.”

Spencer dragged his feet, but he did follow. I felt the hot stare of my friends on my back—they must’ve been wondering what the hell I was doing. Eventually, I would have to explain, but the truth was, I didn’t know what I was doing or what I would say.

“You’re annoying,” Spencer said.

“That makes two of us.”

“And immature.”

“I’ve never understood it when people say that. Is there a rule book or etiquette on how you’re supposed to act at each age? Is it a bad thing to be playful? To have fun? As long as you can be responsible and take important things seriously, what’s wrong with being immature? It’s a strange concept.”

He stopped walking, frowned, then looked at me. “Put a lot of thought into this, huh?”

“I might have heard it a time or ten,” I replied playfully. Spencer bit his cheek, I figured to keep from smiling. The thing was, though he’d said some hurtful things to me in the past about body image, it wasn’t as if he said those things all the time. It was one conversation when I called him out on not liking me. Now he was just bristly and grumpy with me.

“You’re ridiculous,” he replied.

“Hey, I might have heard that a time or ten too.”

Call it wishful thinking, but I was fairly certain he had to bite back his smile again. I liked being this for people, the one who could make them chuckle or roll their eyes. Maybe I was a bit of a cliché, but so what?

“Why are your friends giving me the evil eye?” Spencer asked.

“Because you bullied me.”

“I…what? No I didn’t. I spent most of my childhood being bullied. I would never do that.”

Me too.But I couldn’t make myself say it. Those memories spent too much time circling my brain and taking up residence inside me for me to set them free.

“Okay,” I replied.

“You’re the one who—” Spencer shook his head. “You know what? Never mind.”

“I’m the one who what?” I gave him shit, but I’d never been hurtful, and the only reason I liked to get under his skin was because he’d hated me from the moment he’d moved in next door.

“Nothing. One of the guest speakers is about to talk.”

I didn’t know why, but I stayed with Spencer while people spoke. I’d find my mind wandering, my gaze landing on his profile. Spencer was riveted on what they were saying, but I was studying him. Something about him had felt familiar from the first time I saw him in the elevator, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I must’ve been imagining it, though, since he’d never mentioned it.

I was curious about his work, about why he did what he did and how he got into it, but those weren’t the things I usually talked to guys about. Normally it was: your place or mine? Top, bottom, or just BJs?

When the speakers were done, I turned to Spencer to ask him something—what, I had no idea—but before I could let any words out, a man approached him.

“Hey, Spence. I didn’t know you’d be here.” The guy gave him a hug, and something about the embrace told me they’d fucked…or dated.

Spencer began talking to him, and I was pretty sure he forgot I was there. When I slipped away, he didn’t say a word, or didn’t notice. Unless I was being Obnoxious Corbin or someone wanted to fuck me, they didn’t tend to notice me much. Being pretty helped, but not enough for people to really care.

“Is Asshole Spencer your boyfriend prospect?” Kai asked when I rejoined my friends.

“What? No. Why would you ask that?” Yeah, Spencer was cute, but we’d be a disaster waiting to happen. I didn’t want to date him, and he sure as shit wouldn’t want to date me. “I just like annoying him. At first he used to get under my skin, but I’ve managed to turn the tables on him.”

Marcus’s caring—and yes, bossy—gaze held mine. “Just make sure you’re not trying to prove something to yourself. You don’t need his approval.”

“Totally not what this is.” I wasn’t trying to make him like me just so I felt good about myself. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

We hung out for a little while before everyone was ready to head home. We said our goodbyes outside, Marcus kissing me on the temple. “You got plans tonight, kid? If not, you can come home with us.”

Ugh. I knew Marcus said shit like that because he loved me, but sometimes it made me feel guilty. He shouldn’t have to worry about me that way. He shouldn’t have to be responsible for me. None of them should. “Nah, I’m good. I’m gonna call this guy who wanted to hook up earlier.”

“You sure?” Kai asked.

“Oh my God. Go home, Daddy and Stepdaddy. I need my space.”

Everyone laughed.

I pretended to type on my phone as they all walked away, everyone but me going home with someone who loved them.