Chapter 38

Chapter

Thirty-Eight

I say goodnight to the others when Calliape announces she is showing me to the room I will be staying in for the night. She dashes into her own to retrieve a spell book before joining me.

I light the candles in the room but leave some alone, not wanting to illuminate it too much and favoring the coziness of the dim light. The bed is small like ours on Viathan in our little apartment, and the only furniture is a small wooden dresser with a connecting mirror.

"This won't take long," she whispers and flips the book's pages to find her desired spot.

"Do I have to do anything?" I ask.

"No, I will place it, but you will have to maintain it, keep it from dissolving." She runs her finger down the page.

"How?"

"Intentions . . . Ready?"

"Yes." I close my eyes as she places her palm between my breasts as flat as she can press.

She whispers into the dark space, haunting hissing under her breath until I feel a minty sensation in my chest. When I breathe in, the cold chill turns prickly and then settles.

"That should hold for a while," Calliape says, nervously smiling.

"Thank you."

"Pleasure. I hope it helps the both of you." She hugs me tightly before ducking back into the kitchen, whispering one last goodnight so the others do not hear.

I shimmy out of the Estate clothes, until only the silky slip under it remains, and sit with my back rested on the headboard and wait.

For once, my mind doesn't feel like it's spinning with all the things I have to do and remember. The lord general has all the information we do, and soon the investigation will begin. Once Leema and I walk out of the Estate tomorrow, I can let myself bask in the warmth of just focusing on the present. My mission here will be done and she will be safe at last.

I can hear hushed male voices out in the kitchen, August and 99 keeping their conversation low. When the sound of his footsteps comes up to the door, I can't stop the panicky thrill that runs through me, knowing he is back and we can be alone together finally and under such better circumstances. I scoot to the edge of the bed and wait for him to enter, seeing the shadow of his feet on the threshold of the door.

To my surprise, he knocks lightly. When I don't answer from sheer confusion, he slowly opens the door.

"I'm awake," I whisper.

He comes into the room, stopping in the middle, his helmet running up and down my body in an obvious way. "I am glad I didn't wake you."

He removes his helmet and then his gloves, placing them on the dresser next to my veil.

"Was the message well received?" I ask.

He nods and sits on the edge of the bed with me. "He will sign an order of protection for Leema to seek refuge on a Viathan ship given the circumstances."

"What about the sanctuary law?"

"With the investigation of the temple, the lord general deemed it unnecessary. She can petition for one, but when the Estate receives the formal notice of our findings, they will not want to draw more attention to conflicts with the Temple of Divine Mothers."

"Like a woman not being permitted to leave."

"Yes." He pauses for a long time. "Leema will be safe on the ship, I promise you this."

I press my side against him and sigh. "Thank you."

I see him glance at my grey dress and then the slip I am wearing as a nightgown and wait for him to touch me or turn my face for a kiss like he normally does.

But it is silent as we sit next to each other, only the calming sound of his breath filling the air.

"I did not realize how dark Cosima would get as the conjunction nears. I was not stationed here for the last one," he says and begins removing the rest of his armor, setting it aside until only his tunic and pants remain.

Even though he has brought back good news, he seems so uneasy, as if being in this room with me, finally alone and not in immediate danger is more overwhelming than he thought it would be. It is quite the realization when one of the most feared commanders in the three worlds is suddenly nervous to be in your presence, especially after all this time.

I bite my lip, trying to hide how cute I find the anxiety in his voice. "It gets pitch black in the final days." I smile up at him.

He nods and clears his throat.

"Ferren, I wanted to ask you if what I did during the coup." He sighs, then starts over. "I received the update from August and Calliape. It was difficult knowing you could not call out to her if you were in danger. I did not know you were in a dungeon until Commander Wesley reported back to me. It took everything in me not to level the Estate. So when we got the intel that First Son's followers were inside and planning an attack, I could not stop what unleashed inside of me, and it only grew worse when I saw what he did to you."

Oh.

He's not nervous at all . . . He is afraid that I see him differently and this awkwardness between us is not a symptom of having to learn to communicate without our tether, but because I love him less for how merciless he was in front of me.

I pull his hand into my lap, needing both of mine to cover it fully. "Do you think it changes how I feel about you?"

"You did not love me until you were permitted inside my mind, until your tether smoothed over the things in my nature I cannot help."

I run my fingertips over his rough knuckles. "I know who you are. I fell in love with you, seeing the dark parts of you, the things not said aloud. If we are never connected in that way again, I will miss it, but I will love you the same."

His breath heaves a little as he tilts his head back to clear any doubt. "I will love you the same too."

I want so badly to give in and reconnect our tether, but that feels like I would be agreeing with his worries, that I cannot love him unless it is firmly in place. I want him to know we can survive without it and prove it to the both of us.

I lift his hand and kiss it, holding it there to feel his skin against my lips while I speak. "I had similar fears, if you saw me here in my priestess veil, or if I was assimilating too much, you would think less of me."

"Never," he says plainly.

"Being here . . . I feel fragmented. What if when I start putting those pieces back together, they don't fit and some have to be discarded and some are so damaged that I am never whole again?"

I had no intention of telling him I was struggling here, that beyond having to suffer and atone for something I am not sorry for, that I can feel a part of myself tugging to revert to who I was before, to the comforts of patterns formed over years within myself.

"Then I will love any part you are willing to share, even the pieces I have to find on my own. I will cherish any new ones and hold together the ones that still feel fragmented for you."

It is impossible not to allow my eyes to water just a little when 99 talks to me with such tenderness.

"You are not a bad man, 99 . . . just like I know I am not wicked." I stare at his jaw as it clenches, the rough stubble there growing a little longer than usual. He watches our joined hands, running his thumb across my nail.

"There is more from my correspondence with Lord General," he whispers, the hesitant pause in his voice and stiff tone sending me a flush of nerves. "We spoke at length of what can be done for your own safety against the priestess order."

"Will my sanctuary order be reinstated?"

He shakes his head as if disappointed. "No, and it is unlikely the Viathan emperors would entertain another."

I smile a little to myself thinking of the pair of emperors' frustration over voiding their charity. "I suppose I made them look foolish for even granting the first one."

"In their eyes, yes." He inhales deeply and another long silence draws out between us.

This time I am determined to sit in it, to bask in just being with him and not needing the re-assurance of every emotion laid before me.

Eventually the silence feels natural again, like we are choosing it, tethered or not.

After some time, he angles himself toward me gently, holding the space like he means to speak. "As for your protection, the lord general mentioned if you were a Viathan citizen, you would be safe. No law could be invoked to keep you here if they tried." He raises his head, finally looking at me with his deep blue eyes, the wrinkle between his brows threatening to crease permanently.

"99, you will have to explain what you mean." I laugh nervously at how intensely he searches my face. "How would I become a citizen of a world that is not mine?"

"Through union." He touches my chin, smoothing his thumb across my skin. "If we entered into a union, you would be granted Viathan citizenship."

My eyes are undoubtedly wide as he explains. I hope he does not think my perplexed expression has any weight to how my heart truly feels about the idea.

The way his face lights up when a smiling huff escapes me makes my stomach flutter. "And what do you think of that idea, Commander?" I look down, a sudden shyness I have not felt with him in a long time overwhelming my senses.

"I wanted to ask you before, on Viathan."

"You did?"

He nods slowly. "If we were tethered, you would know just how many times I thought of it, but I knew how uncommon unions are in the Estate."

"They are very uncommon." I try to think of any temple member who is in one but cannot.

"You would be a lady on Viathan." He ducks to capture my eyes again. "You could even petition for a seat on the council. It would be your right."

The thought of being in that room with the council members again makes me giggle at the absurdity.

"Or you can do whatever you wanted, but no one could tear us apart," he continues.

The emotion and depth of what he is proposing, not only to save me and my sister but because he truly loves me, is felt down to my marrow.

"I don't want you to think I am agreeing to this just because I need protection, 99. I would have said yes if you asked me on Viathan."

He exhales so deeply, closing his eyes like I have said something beautiful, and then he directs my face toward him, holding the side of my cheek, his fingertips reaching to the back of my neck in a firm but tender grip.

I look into his eyes, really look, the deep pools that stare back at me and convey so much without words. How did I ever doubt our connection? How could I forget that there is a profound trust to be forged in our words and actions without the need of our tether? I want to know him fully, to learn every detail of who he is and I am content if that takes our entire lives, as long as we are together.

"I read, that numbered commanders share their names with the person they enter into union with." I press my lips together a little shy and hoping my statement is well received.

His head tilts like I have surprised him. "My predecessor, the 98th Commander, his family and wife used his name." He strokes my cheek and leans in to speak more gently. "Will my wife want to know my name?"

"Yes," I whisper.

"Lord General can perform a union ceremony the moment you and Leema are aboard the ship." His deep voice sounds more breathy this close.

"I would love that very much, 99," I whisper, his lips hovering over mine, and when I feel them turn up slightly in a heartbreaking smile, I press forward.

He grumbles in his throat so deep I feel the vibrations against my lips. He angles my head to the side to kiss me deeper, his other hand slips up to my hip, pulling me closer against his body. The kiss is sweetly slow, measured and as if we are kissing each other for the first time all over again.

When I pull away, a shy flutter blooms in my stomach noticing his hungry blown out pupils. The way his lust hooded eyes search my face is as if he is drunk on the sensation of kissing me again after so much time has passed. We have not kissed in weeks, and even if it is a small act, this type of simple intimacy has been missed dearly.

"I have dreamed of your lips every night since we departed Viathan," he whispers, still holding me close to his lips like he is not finished. "Your taste. Your breath against me. The sounds you make." He kisses me softly between each phrase.

"I have thought of you too."

His exhale comes out with a groan, making me realize the true meaning of what he is saying and what he now believes I am confessing to as well.

By dream, he means something else entirely.

I bite my lip as he watches the movement, eyes flicking down and back up to mine, more feral than before.

"Tell me." He languidly kisses his way down to my neck, the sensation against my skin making me gasp and feel bolder. "Tell me if you touched yourself when you thought of me."

"Not here, but on the ship, the first night when I slept in the bed we shared before." I gasp for breath as he moves the straps of my nightgown to gently nip my shoulder, a kiss coming in close succession to soothe the spot. "I missed you so much and there were so many memories in that room, I needed to feel close to you again."

"Did you make yourself come in our ship bed, Priestess?"

"Yes," I whimper as he nips the skin under my ear, pressing me against his hard chest.

I run my fingers through his tousled hair as he makes his way upward again. "Kiss me, 99, I cannot bear it."

He groans and grips me with his large hands, pulling me into his lap. My knees rest on either side of his hips as we both tug my slip over my head, throwing it to the floor. His mouth descends to my nipple, sucking at the peaked and sensitive flesh. My back arches at the dizzying sensation of his swirling tongue.

I hold onto his strong neck while he is latched onto me. His hands grasp my hips, squeezing at my soft sides, and then they travel further back to knead my ass.

"I will happily be yours in union, 99, and in all ways." I grind down into the hard bulge between us.

He groans, releases my nipple and tilts his head up to my higher position in his lap. He rests his chin between my breasts with swollen lips and a hungry expression, his muscles going a little slack as I rub up against his length again.

I reach down between us and free his cock, gripping it firmly in my hand, stroking it and pushing back his pants.

"Ferren," he hisses between his teeth.

I line the tip up to my slicked entrance, holding it there, just barely breaching the surrounding muscle.

He impatiently grabs my hips and slowly drags me down, inserting himself.

I cry out at the sudden but welcome entry and let him pull me closer, giving up on savoring the slow sensation of his thick cock stretching me.

His hands clutch my sides, holding me in place and allowing me to adjust and soak him in.

I raise myself upward with a roll and ease back down, my walls clenching around him. I can't help the whimper that comes out of me when he guides me, angling me to hit the roof of my channel with the next stroke downward.

Even though our minds are not connected, our bodies very much are, and I once again have the temptation of tethering myself to him. It would be so easy. But I feel him inside connected in other ways, taking up so much space, changing and cherishing the parts of me I thought could not be loved.

He pauses the deliberate, overwhelming rhythm of him slowly impaling me, allowing me to catch my breath. I look into his darkened eyes, ones that regard me with such lust my core floods with another wave of slick.

"Fill me. I am so empty without you," I pant into his ear and then bite the lobe.

"Oh, Priestess, what have you done to me?" He lifts me, holding my ass and turning until my back hits the mattress.

Then he kisses me again, this time as deeply as he fucked me on Lord Hollis's dining table.

I frantically pull at his tunic, running my nails underneath and desperately wanting his skin against mine.

He pulls it over his head, brushing back his hair to look down at me and devour my naked body under him.

I can't help my own smile when he rips off the rest of his clothes and then positions himself between my legs, descending to my neck to suck at the sensitive skin of my collarbone.

He presses his pelvis forward, sinking into my wet core, groaning deep in his throat as he fills me up completely.

Our bodies know each other's, fitting perfectly together, so in tune and knowing exactly what to do to bring otherworldly pleasure.

He pumps into me hard and fast, and I urge him on, chasing the growing pressure between us.

I hold onto the chiseled muscle of his glutes, pulling him closer to me with each of his thrusts.

"You can't . . . inside," I moan and cling to his back as I bear down on his length.

He knows what I mean as soon as the gasping words come out. As much as I want it, he can't come inside me. We do not have preventative tea and it is far too dangerous here.

"Fuck . . . F-fuck!" He grits his teeth but manages to slide himself out.

I sit up on my elbows and watch him stroke himself with the same grip and speed as he fucked me, the view the most erotic thing I have ever seen.

I can feel myself clench on nothing, missing him there.

"Touch yourself," he pants.

I look up at him, almost resigned to just watching him finish, but his expression gives away just how serious of an order it was.

I slide my hand between my spread legs and quickly find my swollen clit and gasp at the touch of my fingertip against it.

He growls and strokes himself so close, the tip of his cock smears the back of my hand with hot pre-cum as I begin a steady rotation with the pad of my middle finger.

I whimper his name, trying to keep my lids from falling shut from the full-body euphoria running through my veins.

Having his eyes on me while I pleasure myself is an altogether different ecstasy, one that I do not even come close to when I am alone doing the same thing.

I quicken my own speed, not able to stop the frantically increasing energy in the room from taking me over. I gasp and push my head into the pillow, eyes rolling back as my muscles tighten, warmth spreading all over me.

"That's it. That's it, Priestess. Make yourself come. Show me how you touch yourself when I am away," he encourages, grunting wildly with each stroke, eyes fixed between my legs.

I stare up at him, holding his gaze while I cup my breast, pinching the nipple so hard I have to bite my lip.

He snarls at me, holding my knees apart with an iron grip, eyes flicking between my cunt and face.

I wait until his view dips below again to slip my fingers inside my channel, plunging two in and out slowly, slicking them entirely.

In response, he grabs my wrist, bringing it up to his lips and licking my fingers, plunging them into his mouth and biting at the sides.

His eyes roll back a little when he tastes me, letting out a growling vibration I can feel where my wet fingers touch his tongue.

The way that affects him makes the ache in my clit, now a throbbing demand to be sated.

His eyes are wild as he watches me slide my fingers back to my pussy, strands of his hair falling in front of his face in response to his vigorous jerking movements around his thick length.

I bear down hard as my climax finally finds me, rolling through in huge, crashing waves, ebbing and squeezing around nothing.

99 plants his palm firmly on the wall above my head, hovering over me, increasing the speed of his stroking fist with huffing breaths.

His cum shoots out in ribbons up my stomach, the sound he makes is a mix of a groan and huff, until my skin is coated with him, as if he is marking and covering me completely.

He hunches over, looking down, panting and spent.

I pull on his neck, needing him to kiss me, not wanting this moment to end.

The kiss is languid and deep between our panting breaths, the fact of our unlinked tether utterly forgotten.

Still out of air, he turns onto his side behind me and pulls my back against his chest, gently brushing my hair over my shoulder so he can press his lips to the skin there.

I lie in contented silence for a long time, savoring the lingering energy of what we just shared together.

I suddenly have the urge to test the ward Calliape placed to make sure it is still present. When I press against it, testing its strength, my mind bounces off itself the same confusing way it did when she let me check hers.

And just like that, I cannot stand another heartbeat without 99 in my mind. I pause and close my eyes, summing up all my concentration to reach out to him.

"Can you feel me?"

It takes several breaths before my tether takes hold of his, spinning and wrapping itself like a reaching vine before the strong connection is made.

My whole body lights up as it finds him, my skin prickling with electricity, and my eyes want to roll back in my head at how good it feels.

His body jumps, startled, as the last thread of our tether takes hold.

"I can feel you, Priestess," 99 whispers into my mind's eye.

His hands caress up and down my body. It is difficult not to get caught up in the euphoria of being so deeply rooted in each other again.

"I feel that too," he says, amused by my thoughts.

His voice is so smooth inside my head, brushing up my skin and spreading warmth across my mind.

I am flooded with his amber glow. So much that I have to cling to him so I don't fall off the side of the little bed.

Our link is stronger somehow, so intense I can barely keep my eyes open.

"How are we tethered?"

"Calliape . . . ward."

I'm a little breathless as he runs his hand up my collarbone to the base of my neck.

"Permanent?"

"Yes."

"I would have lived our whole lives not having our tether again and still loving you the same, but I've missed the feeling of you consuming me, " he groans and holds me tighter.

We breathe in tandem for a long time savoring the bliss our tether creates when we are intertwined like this.

His lips brush against my ear and then he takes a large breath inward like he is about to speak.

"Clive," he whispers deeply into my hair.

It doesn't register so I wait, holding space for him to say more, but then I realize what he has said. Stunned, I turn to face him, looming over where he remains comfortably lying on his back. "Your name was Clive?"

He closes his eyes when I say the name and nods.

I say it a few more times in my head and he smiles, likely hearing me through the tether. "I thought you had to wait until after the ceremony?"

"For me it was complete the moment you said yes. Tomorrow when the fleet arrives, look for me, Priestess, and you will see just how much I want this union."