Chapter 13

Chapter

Thirteen

" B reathe with me, Ferren." 99 presses his flat palm to my chest while taking an exaggerated inhale. "Please."

I comply on his next breath, staring into his visor where his eyes watch me.

"That's it, keep breathing. Your heart is still racing."

My mind wants to go to that foggy, calm place it took me when I first arrived here, stowed away until it's safe again. I grip the cushioned bench, trying to focus on staying present, on 99's shoulders going up and down.

"I'm alright." I finally press my hand over his.

He tilts his head softly, not fooled by the crack in my voice, and then his hand steals to the nape of my neck as I'm pulled into an embrace.

"We will stay here until they summon us again, but I can go alone," he whispers into my hair.

"No, I will be ok."

The Viathan emperors' respect of the new and old world is so respectful that we were dismissed for their slow deliberation to be done in private. It's torturous to wait when I just want to scream for them to help, part of me scraping at the surface of my skin with jagged, feral fingernails.

What could they possibly be debating? The scene Calliape showed us is more horrifying than anything I could have imagined. How they can say anything other than yes, I don't understand.

We all sit scattered in my and 99's capital bedchamber, and for once, I am happy it is too large. Calliape has not spoken since we left the council meeting. She sits in the windowsill, and August has checked on her a few times, but she refuses anything he offers.

It is clear she is afraid to look at me. Likely thinking she is somehow to blame, but she only delivered the message. I try to send her those feelings through our tether, but she has put up a ward. I recognize it from before on Frith when she would use it with Selene. It stings each time I nudge it, and I don't know if she is doing it for her or my benefit.

Anytime I sniffle, 99 turns his head to me to see if I am still crying. This is no longer a rumor to me or a request to look into temple activity. It's different now.

I've cried from fear, for Leema, in frustration, and for the loss of what my life was going to be here, which then made me cry in guilt for being so selfish.

It was childish to think I could have a peaceful life without the ripples of the temple spreading out and growing stronger each time I ignored them.

Now, the worst thing I could fathom is happening.

I have not seen Leema for years, but I have missed her every day. I was ashamed for not ascending in the priestess order, as I know it would have made her happy, maybe would have even brought her back to me. But when I left, my chances of ever making that possible died with it.

She knows she cannot rely on me, so she is taking matters into her own hands. She is trying to balance out the world I tilted, and in doing so, she has unknowingly fed herself to wolves.

A knock on the door makes me jump to my feet. I wipe my face, thinking we are getting ready to be called back, but when 99 presses the metal panels and the door whooshes open, the lord general steps inside, holding his helmet at his hip.

He says a greeting I am too impatient to hear.

"We have been summoned?" 99 asks.

"No. I wanted to update you in person," he answers, looking between 99 and me. His expression is sullen, like he has lost an argument, and defeat is written on his brow. "The council is having a hard time with the testimony."

"How? After what we showed you?" My voice is louder than I want it to be.

His hand rises in a pacifying gesture, but his tone is understanding. "Some of the council members are arguing the validity. The testimony was unconventional."

"The testimony did nothing but prove how serious this is." I clench my fists, thinking of the Viathan government taking their time, weighing the options as if my sister isn't in harm's way.

"The memories were valid." Calliape speaks up.

"Even if a firsthand account from a witness was given, I don't know if that would sway them," the lord general admits.

"They are denying the request?" 99 asks.

"I am working on them." Lord General stares at 99 for a long time. "They will not be easily convinced to help."

"Then this time, you make them." 99's voice is suddenly hardened, like there is an old wound here, something more not being said.

Lord General sighs. "You need to prepare for an alternative."

"A different petition?" I cut the idea down immediately. "No, I don't want to submit something else and wait for more Viathan deliberation. The entire process is nonsense."

"The emperors rule over Viathan, and any involvement in the three worlds must be voted on by the council. 99th Commander's recommendation is forfeited because of his proximity to the matter." He turns to speak just to me. "But you are not a Viathan, and there are other ways."

99 squares his shoulders to the lord general and stands closer between us. If this was anyone of a lower rank, he would not let them speak any further, which only makes me curious as to why he is acting territorial, what other ways have made him react so suddenly to his superior.

The Lord general can see the confusion on my face. "It would be wise to consider a second method for ensuring the safety of your loved one. You are not bound by our laws, our lengthy procedures."

"Enough." 99's tone is firm.

Why is he reacting so harshly, and why is the lord general allowing it?

"I would not be here now if I didn't think they would deny your petition. You would also be wise to listen, 99th Commander." Lord General becomes less tolerant to 99's challenging stance, but he does nothing to make him back down.

"If they deny it, what else can we do?" I say over 99, who now fully blocks me like a protective wall against something unseen.

"Don't," 99 growls and does not stop there. He closes the space between them in a way I have only seen him do to his own commanders and never to someone who he respects or that outranks him.

It is obvious he knows what the lord general is about to suggest and gravely disagrees.

Lord General looks between both of us, unbothered by 99's display, but when his eyes fall to me again, he takes an accepting breath and opens his mouth to speak.

But 99 launches forward, attacking his superior as if instigated, and pressing his forearm to the lord general's neck in warning.

I can't help the shriek at the sight of 99 crashing into him, pinning the equally large man against the wall.

August rushes forward, trying to pry 99 off, but he just snarls and latches on harder.

I notice the lord general's hands are loose on 99's forearms—he isn't even trying to fight back.

"No one is taking her from you," he says calmly, right into 99's visor, his focus now completely on him.

Even the mention of that possibility elicits a guttural sound from the back of 99's throat.

I'm too stunned to do anything but stand there watching with my mouth covered, wanting it to end.

"I will have my father petition. Surely that will sway them." 99 growls on the verge of truly losing his mind.

I can't figure out why he has brought up Allister, but the expression on Lord General's face tells me he does.

"It will not sway them, not with the recent First Son attack."

"They owe him, and you owe me." 99's words are so pointed that Lord General loses some of his composure, breaking the intensity that was growing between them.

It's now clear what is owed. A similar circumstance happened when 99's mother and brother left. 99 said he could not intervene, that his duty to Viathan did not allow for it. But now it is clear the Lord General was the one who forbade him.

"I do. That is why I am here and why you have not been stripped of your title for this outburst." He strains under the intense grip on his collarbone but does not struggle, only adjusts. "It is my job to think ahead, to strategize for any and all outcomes. This is the path of least resistance. I am trying to help her." He stares at 99, but I know he is talking to me too.

"99," I snap. "Please, let him speak to me."

His whole body changes as if I have called out for help, though he's still panting in heavy, distressed breaths.

August tries his best to get 99 to stand down, pulling at the arm locked in place. "Ferren is confused, and I know you do not want to keep any possibility from her, my friend."

There is a long pause as the three of us wait for 99 to either attack further or let the lord general say what he fully intended to.

"You are not bound by our laws. If the emperors will not investigate the temple from what you have given them, then go to Cosima and collect more evidence yourself," Lord General says when 99's grip loosens slightly.

I glance over at August, hoping he is level-headed enough to explain.

"It would be easier to request clearance to travel to Cosima than to ask them to investigate a temple," August confirms with a nod.

"She is not going back to that place," 99 growls but backs off.

"I will continue to work on the emperors." Lord General pushes past 99 easily. "But if they deny it, I know you will submit another petition to investigate it yourself. The best we can do is to station you in the birthlands with the rest of the fleet. In the event Priestess Ferren does find herself on Cosima, we would be close." He eyes 99 like he is trying to convey something more.

"I can't just go back. Every lesser, high, and elder priestess likely knows who I am, that I retrieved the stones, and how I left. There are wards around the city, Lord General," I say in an almost amused laugh that he thinks I could just walk back in with no consequences.

"I have heard the messages sent through our beacon." He gives me a leveled look. "An offer of forgiveness was presented."

It feels like a violation, an overstep into the private domain I once held so dear. I no longer have loyalty to the temple, but knowing the messages sent just for me were played by him, echoing off metal Viathan walls, makes my stomach turn.

"Those were sent to me. "

"I apologize if we gave you the illusion of privacy through our beacon."

I struggle to remember what exactly the messages said, but he clearly analyzed them more than I did. I wanted to listen and then forget. By the time we got to Thea's, every message before seemed to float away.

"You think the highest priestess would simply welcome her with open arms and not be in danger?" 99 snarls.

"That is not what I am saying, 99th Commander. It is a means to get around the wards. They have extended an offer, a way in."

"Viathan strategy," Calliape mutters behind me.

I pause and try to remember the message sent from the temple, but my mind goes to Crixa's.

I hope you reconsider.

"Confess my transgressions and take the vows again," I whisper as I remember the words of the elder priestess in the message. "I have seen the ritual before. A high priestess, she was . . . humbled greatly but was able to move around on her own after she retook her vows and eventually assumed her old duties."

99's posture is so straight as he watches me speak. Suddenly, with him no longer violently objecting, it feels too real, like the malformed suggestion is gaining traction on its own. I have to sit on the small bench at the foot of the bed just to gain balance again.

"I am trying to assist you, Priestess Ferren, to work around two worlds' limitations on a conjunction year." Lord General steps toward me. "But I do see some advantages here. You have a way into the Estate, and if you get hard evidence of corruption, the Viathan government would have to intervene. Force our hands. If evidence is found while the fleet is in the birthlands, a representative would have to be sent to investigate." His voice is a little more even.

"Who would they send?" I ask.

"Me." 99's deadly voice makes me look up from the spot I picked to stare at on the floor.

At times, I think we all forget who 99 truly is, his station here. To us, he is 99, but to the three worlds, he is the 99th Commander and has a brutal reputation that follows him.

"Conjunction year rules. We can act quicker if something is found happening during a conjunction year. Anything and everything can be seen as an attack to gain control. From a temple trying to make more divine children to faulty stabilizers in our infrastructure. 99th Commander would have jurisdiction to investigate," Lord General confirms.

"What kind of evidence?" I ask and then feel my face drain of all blood that I am even entertaining the idea.

"It couldn't be anything like what you presented in the council meeting. It would have to be more solid," he advises.

I have to force myself to shut my jaw. I have no words for him other than to shake my head. Evidence, something more solid, not the memories from the point of view of a high priestess. He means something less . . . divine, more tangible for a Viathan to wrap their head around.

"That is what I offer to you, how I extend my help lawfully. I will deploy the 99th Commander the moment I hear of any temple or faction within it breaking a three worlds' law. How I come across that information is up to you," Lord General says.

"Thank you for your candor," I reply, shock defaulting me back to politeness.

"That is my strong recommendation, Priestess Ferren. I would not rely on Viathan to protect your sister." He stares at me for another breath, like he is hoping to convey how intently he means the words, then places his helmet back on roughly.

99 once again looks like he wants to jump across the room and attack him. His fists clench and flex wildly as he watches the door shut behind the lord general.

I run my hand on the tufted fabric of the bench I can't move from, smoothing my fingers over the buttons, trying to understand what it would mean if the emperors decided not to help. If after seeing horrifying memories, they still did not find my cause worthy of intervention.

99 doesn't move an inch except for his heavy breaths, like he is still trying to contain himself. "I will retrieve your sister," he finally blurts out.

"Even if the lord general says you can go, how would you even get close enough to that temple?" August asks flatly.

"By force."

"That would cause a lot of problems, my friend, and you know it. You're not thinking straight."

99 growls at him, stepping into his space.

"My sister would never leave that temple with you. Even if you said I sent you."

August tilts his head, finally exasperated at 99's anger. "Abduct an exiled priestess's pregnant sister, that's the plan?"

"Yes, if she won't come willingly."

"There is no scenario in the three worlds where you could get close to that temple without notice." I look down at my hands, considering what the lord general said: that I am not bound by Viathan law. " You . . . couldn't get close."

"Ferren, we are waiting to be summoned to council again, that is all!" 99's tone cuts through me like a warning to stop my line of thinking. It's so harsh, my brow furrows in a glare.

I turn away from him, feeling lost on what to say or do, completely helpless to the decisions of others. But I have been presented with a way to take that control back, to ensure what I am begging for help against does not happen to my sister.

"You are not going back." His voice is a snarl.

It's the second time his tone has been harsh toward me, and it's enough to make me stand and push back at how utterly immovable he is.

"The Estate is the last place in the three worlds I want to be. You have to know that! But I will not be able to live with myself if I do not try to help my sister anyway I can!" I realize what I have said in that second.

He knows what it is like to live with something so heart crushing, to feel like you could have helped. His tense shoulders lower a fraction, my words sinking in. The situation is similar to the one of his past, but now he is playing a different role.

The mattress creaks as 99 sits on it. I watch from the corner of my eye as he removes his helmet then braces his elbows on his knees.

"I will go." Calliape's voice is so small, it takes me a moment to realize she has spoken. "I will go if Viathan will not help. I will get into that temple. I will say I am pregnant and there to pilgrimage," Calliape says louder as she walks toward me with a hopeful look, her plan forming as she speaks.

August watches her with a heartbroken face, but she doesn't take her eyes off me, waiting for me to tell her she can help.

"Calliape, no. There would be too many questions from the Estate, and they would uncover your divinity. There are elders there who can sense First Mother's gifts. And if they found out your mother was from Cosima, I don't know how they would react. I am sorry, but I can't let you risk yourself for me."

She nods her head, a little crestfallen but understanding.

"Then we should just wait to be called by the council to see what they have to say, and if they can't be reasoned with this time, we submit another petition, show more of them the memories and then another until they take us seriously. How could they not?" Calliape's face looks like she would show every Viathan on this world those memories if she had to, would relive it a million times if it would help.

"How long would that take? Until Leema's waters break, until she's lying on that table?" I meet her eyes, hoping she knows that even if my words are blunt, it's because I am afraid and barely holding myself together. "The message didn't even say how far along she was, but I have a sinking feeling that I have to hurry."

"Could you get a message to Leema then, through the beacon?"

"No, I don't think so."

"The priestess that sent it to you, could you reach out to her?" She wrings her hands.

I shake my head at her frantic attempt to add more solutions other than the one we are being corralled to. "No, there would be no way of speaking to High Priestess Thea. She broke many rules to get that message to me."

Every alternative and question makes it clearer to me what needs to be done if the council denies us. Sweat drips down my brow even though a chill keeps running through me. I have lived in fear that the temple will come to take me back and punish me, that they will strip me of my life and family here. But that fear seems so distant after seeing the danger Leema is in, when going back could save her life.

"It would have to be me," I whisper. "No one is getting hurt because of me. You all risked so much bringing me here."

August's face is grey as he stares seemingly through me, like my whole body is transparent and he sees something terrifying on the other side, until I realize he and 99 are looking at each other.

Shock does not cover the scope of the expression on 99's face. I have to look away from the heartbreak written there, just to be able to take my next breath and really understand the words and plans I am making without even thinking it through completely.

But what else is there to do if they will not help us?

"And what if it goes wrong . . . horribly wrong?" August asks gently.

I look down at my hands as if to see if I can trust them to keep me safe again, if I am strong enough and my gift powerful enough to fight if I need to.

The sound of 99 suddenly standing makes all three of us watch as he places his hand on mine as if to say if anything, he trusts my light enough and that part of all this there should be no doubt.

A little shocked, I search his face, watching his expression soften. He is trying so hard to push down his rage over the possible outcomes we are discussing.

"I know the emperors may still choose in favor. When we retrieved the stones, we had a secondary plan then, to go up the mountain on foot if the Frithian beacon wasn't working. Please, let's just make a secondary," I beg for my peace of mind.

He takes a large sigh. "You mean more to me than those fucking stones, Ferren. This is not the same."

His gaze on me is so pained, the ache ripples into my own chest.

"Waiting for stuffy emperors to decide if helping me is worth their time and resources . . . it's not right. She's in that temple, 99. She has no idea. I had no idea."

I can feel the gravity of the situation finally closing in on me. It is in the realm of possibilities that help will not be there, that even emperors who are supposed to keep the worlds safe will not see this as a worthy cause.

I have no way of helping her other than putting myself back in the place that almost broke me. They want to do that very thing and call it a ritual. To humiliate me in the name of humbleness and goodness. To have me denounce my life here and the people that I love.

I am selfish for leaving her there, for not reaching out sooner, for thinking she would be ok and safe when I never was.

"Ferren." 99 shakes his head.

"She's there, in the Estate. She came back and I was gone. I left her there!"

He pulls me into his chest, crushing me in a soothing embrace and squeezing the last of my ramblings out of me until I let the tears I was holding back come out to the thought of Leema alone, in a temple with priestesses she does not know, with so much hope and no concept of what horrors have transpired.

"I understand the frenzy in your mind. Trust me when I say I do," 99 soothes.

"I feel helpless just waiting."

He hushes me when my voice cracks. "But that is what I am asking of you. I beg you to just wait. When I hear you speak like this . . . I cannot. Please, Ferren." His hand is tight at the nape of my neck, pressing me against him.

When I look into his mind's eye, I catch only a glimpse at the depths he is fighting inside his head, his amber light like chains across a door, the darkness behind it like battering rams slamming into it over and over to be set free. To rage and unleash itself again, smothering out logic and rational thinking.

He knows he is of no service when his dark and intrusive thoughts are so easily about to take over again. He is asking for time for himself and to know of the emperors' final decision. The battering ram seems to sway his body every time it collides against the giant doors in his mind.

"Please."

I nod into his chest. My heart beats out of rhythm when I think of wasting any time, but in 99's arms, the exposed edges of my nerves are regulated and my muscles lessen their tight restriction.

"Alright, we will wait." I reluctantly nod again, forcing my body to go against my instincts for 99's sake.

I can wait until the final decision is made by the council, but I can't stop thinking how Lord General himself said I should not rely on Viathan to save my sister.