Chapter 19

Seren

"Hey, your consult is here." Becka popped in through the open door of Seren's room. "She's early, but she said she doesn't mind waiting."

"Oh. That's okay. I was just working on some drawings anyway."

She reserved her earliest hours, before any clients were scheduled, and her late hours, after her last client of the day, for consults. She'd tried to find a way to do it differently over the years, and if someone truly couldn't do those hours, she'd try to fit them in other times, on a Sunday or Monday, but she'd pretty much had to stick with the tried and true.

They opened the shop at noon, but between ten to quarter to twelve, Seren booked consults. The door was unlocked at ten, the sign turned on at noon, and generally clients knew that.

She was always excited to book a new client. She'd received the online form, filled out and emailed, a week ago. This morning was the first opening she had available.

Cassie's form said she was interested in black and gray realism. She wanted a tattoo on her forearm but was open to continuing it into a sleeve over time. She was interested in florals, trees, and nature. She'd written that it was her first tattoo, but she seemed well informed. Seren didn't mind if people weren't. That was her job as a custom artist to inform, educate, and draw something amazing. She wasn't there to scoff at ideas or belittle people who weren't sure about the process. If someone brought in an idea she didn't think she could do justice to, she'd draw them what she did think she could do, or she'd recommend someone else at the shop rather than give them a straight up no. She always tried to be respectful. People deserved that. So many other people in the industry she knew didn't approach tattooing that way and she wouldn't want to be treated with contempt or have a bad experience if it was her on the other side. At one time, it had been, but she'd been lucky enough to find Becka. At Becka's old shop, though, she'd seen enough from the other artists who worked there to know how she wanted to run her business and approach clients.

Seren didn't have to paste a smile on her face, although she'd been doing that a lot over the past two months. She hadn't fooled anyone who counted, but her parents thought she was doing okay and that was important. Becka knew what was wrong, she was the only one who knew all of it, and other than checking in a few times a week, she gave Seren time to heal.

It was mid-October, which was usually Seren's favorite month. Everyone assumed that if you dressed all in black, were more than a bit goth, and tattooed for a living, you must love Spooktober. It was true, but she'd always loved it. As a kid, it meant candy. As a teenager, it meant elaborate costumes and an outlet for her creativity. Later, she'd loved adding décor to her collection that usually only made an appearance around that time of year.

A lone woman sat on the French Provincial couch in the waiting area. Reupholstering it hadn't been cheap, but it was worth it. The black brocade and gold frame was stunning and matched the black wallpaper and the gray wood pattern vinyl flooring perfectly.

Cassie was facing the window, only her profile in view. She had a lovely jacket on, emerald and vintage. It flowed over her, her white-blonde hair piled up on her head with a few tendrils hanging down.

"Cassie?" Even from the side, Seren was a little awestruck at the woman's breathtaking profile.

Her new client turned and Seren had to grab the counter. She wasn't so affected because of any beauty. She'd known who that woman was long before she turned.

Briar May stood up, the jacket flowing over the curve of her very obvious belly. It had been nearly unnoticeable the last time Seren saw her. Two months in a wolf pregnancy was a long time. Most were only pregnant for four and a half to five and a half months. It seemed to vary greatly. She'd once researched it in depth.

She felt a stab of humiliation at being duped and also at the reminder of the memory of her standing in that room with Rome, explaining to him why she couldn't have children.

Why did I ever do that? Give him another part of myself? He was already leaving. I didn't have to chase him away by telling him I was defunct and unfit. I didn't want to be a fit match for him in any world anyway.

"Briar May." Saying her name made her real.

She smiled at Seren and set a hand on her rounded belly. "Hello, Seren. I'm sorry I had to lie to you about my name. I knew you wouldn't see me otherwise, thanks to my degenerate of a brother, who I still love desperately, despite hearing his truth." She knew everything, but there was no judgement or pity there. "The rest of the form was true. I really do want a tattoo, if you're willing to take me as a client."

"You'd have to travel," Seren stated stupidly, so numb that she wasn't sure if she was even alive or if any of this was real. "I can't tattoo anyone who is pregnant."

"I was thinking more for after. I figured your wait list was pretty long anyway. At least six months."

"I, uh…"

"You don't have to say yes if you don't want to. I can't imagine getting something permanent on my skin by someone unwilling would be a pleasant experience. You could hide a penis in a tree or something."

Seren couldn't stop a laugh from bursting out. "That's true, but I would never do that."

"Do you know people who have?"

"I've heard stories."

"Horror ones, no doubt."

Briar May had come all that way and Seren couldn't turn her away. She half wanted to, but she couldn't think of a single legitimate reason other than that her brother was a bit of a douchebag and was banned from the shop. Rome did apologize and he'd never attempted to so much as contact her in two months. Briar May had never been anything other than kind. Holding her accountable for her asshole brother's actions wasn't okay. It would say that Seren still felt something for him, that she hadn't moved on, that she wasn't mature enough to separate the two. Above all, she always tried to be professional. Denying Briar May would fall under the category of causing someone undue distress and hurt, and that wasn't professional or a decent thing to do as a human being.

"If you want to come back to my room, we can talk about what you want."

Briar May was taken aback by the suggestion. She clearly hadn't expected to get through more than the shop's front door before running into a whole lot of rejection.

She followed Seren back and she tried to pretend that she wasn't affected. Not by the somewhat familiar, fresh flower scent of Briar May, not by the fact that she looked nothing at all like Rome, but was still his sister and had the same family blood running through her veins. Not by the source of information she could have been if Seren had dared to ask.

She wouldn't. She didn't want to know.

It wasn't her business what Rome was doing. She did want to ask about Waverly, but she wouldn't even do that.

In her room, Briar May stood near the door and Seren took up her tablet. She had a good app where she kept everyone's appointments and all notes from the consult, plus attached reference materials or links her clients sent. She opened that up. Her hands weren't shaking at all. Her heart wasn't pounding far too fast. She was only going to ask about the tattoo. Only that.

"Sometimes, when I think about Rome, I still think about stabbing him."

Briar May laughed. Her purse was black leather and slung across her torso, over the baby bump bulging from her coat. She took out a white envelope and held it out. Seren withdrew like it was toxic waste dripping from her fingers.

"It's a check," Briar May explained. "For the roof. Rome wanted me to give it to you. He thought about mailing it, but decided you'd probably throw it out once you opened it and saw who it was from."

"He thought I wouldn't tear it up and throw it out coming from you?"

"He hoped I could convince you to take it. He wanted me to say that he understands you had to get legal representation, and at the very least, you should let him reimburse you for that. Use the money for the roof. That isn't cheap on commercial buildings." She shrugged and her cheeks grew pink. "I wouldn't know about that, but that's what he told me to say."

Seren set the tablet aside before she dropped it. She crossed her arms. "He really told you what he did?"

"Yeah. I thought you were his girlfriend. I should have known better. Although, you guys looked good together. I thought there was something real there. Not just when he looked at you, but when you were with him. I know my brother isn't an easy person or even a good one, and that it would take a special kind of person to be with someone like that, but I thought if anyone could, it would be you."

"Because I'm gullible and obviously a little bit deranged?"

"Seren," Briar May said patiently. "You're a strong woman. You're a wolf who was raised in human society and you're thriving. Rome said you went through your own hell with your previous husband. He wouldn't say more, but there's a reason that exes become exes. Even though the world is a hard place, especially for a shifter and even after heartbreak, you didn't let the glow you have go out. Most of us are just strong when we're forced to be, but you seem strong all the time. Strong and kind. That's a very hard thing to be. I know now that my brother was blackmailing you, sort of, when I first met you at Brooke's, but you brought him anyway. You were so good with Waverly. She really connected with you. The way you talked about my brother and the way you looked at him, it was like witnessing magic . He couldn't contract that. I think you felt it long before he tried to buy it and get you to sign off on it, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to him in the first place."

"I knew he was rich," Seren protested, eager to defend herself.

Briar May blew a strand of hair out of her eyes. "Would you ask just any rich person for a loan?"

"No. Rome was a client. No other client had that kind of money that I knew of."

"But you didn't even know for sure he had it."

"I had a sense of it."

"Is that really the only reason you asked him? Is this place the only reason you agreed to the terms he set out?"

Seren gaped at her. She was suddenly so on edge that she felt like snapping something about would Briar May stand there and ask questions like that if it was herself or her daughter in her place, but that would be terrible. It would be giving in to emotion instead of thinking first and letting what she felt simmer and fade before she reacted. It didn't matter that she was bleeding. She didn't have to spread those cuts to someone else.

It didn't matter that she'd been bleeding for months now.

"Did Rome send you here or did he write up a check because he knew you were coming?"

"A little of both," Briar May admitted without any trouble. "We all drove back in. Castor would never let me come to the city alone. We left Sadie with my parents for the day, and Waverly too."

"Waverly?"

"Rome bought a farm a month and a half ago. It was a place my parents knew about. This little old lady lived there. She was one of the last holdouts to sell in the area. My dad has been trying to incorporate that land into our holdings for almost forty years. She had no idea that she was surrounded by shifters. She thought it was a few developers buying everything or someone running a huge commercial farming operation. She was ninety-three, and when Rome approached her, she finally agreed to sell. She always wanted to retire down in Florida, and he helped her find a great condo as part of the deal."

"Wow. Ninety-three and still living on her own. That's incredible."

"Yes. Yes, it is."

"Florida is nice."

"It is, but you should see her farm. It's so storybook. The perfect place, with a yellow house and wraparound porch and even a red barn. It came with chickens, goats, a cow, a donkey, two dogs, and several barn cats. Rome is going to find them good homes. None of them like him. They all sense the wolf in him, and it sets them off. It sucks because I always wanted a pet growing up and we did try, but we always had to rehome them. They just… went berserk when it came to living with us. Dogs lasted the longest, but even still."

"I always wanted a pet too. It's true wherever you are, I think. If you're a wolf, they know."

"So, we came to pack up the rest of Rome's condo. He moves out at the end of the month. It was just rented, something Kieran found for him after… well, after Rome had to leave and decided it should be here."

"And the auto repair shop?"

"He's still part owner, and he'll always make money off of it for as long as he has it. He doesn't need money, though."

Jesus, if such a kind, lovely, sweet young woman with zero guile and so much patience and love for her daughter and an obvious passion for her mate could be with a man who used to kill people for money, a man who had kidnapped her, a man who was definitely much harder and darker when she'd met him, what did that say?

Maybe it said that Briar May knew a special kind of person because she herself was one.

But that wasn't something Seren wanted to contemplate.

She hated the way her insides tied into knots at the fact that Rome had taken her advice. Pretty much exactly as she'd given it.

"The farm is in neutral territory," Briar May explained. Maybe she was a mind reader too. You never knew what talents people had. "It's only fifteen minutes away. He told us that you gave him that advice. Go home. Be close. Let Waverly be with us during the day so we could teach her and help her and so she could be part of a pack."

"Yes. I did say that," Seren mumbled, staring at the floor.

Briar May inhaled like she was gearing up for a big speech. Seren felt powerless to cut her off. Maybe if she said what she wanted to say, they could just get on with talking about tattoos again. "We all just want Rome to be okay. He's done so many things he regrets and some he doesn't, but either way, I'm not ashamed to call him my brother. I know that even as an okay version, he'd be kind of messed up. Seren?"

"What?" Her head jerked up. She had to stare into Briar May's soft eyes.

"As a mated wolf, I can recognize the connection when two people have it. Your souls are always going to be tied up in one another, even if you stay apart all your lives."

Ouch. Also… wow.

"I don't believe in fated mates. Rome certainly doesn't either."

"I kind of do, but that's only because of what happened when Castor and I met."

"I don't think that means you're fated. If the moral of that story is that fucked-up things can have happy endings, I do believe that." She didn't have to say that she didn't believe it was for her. That was obvious from her skeptical, slightly abrasive tone.

"You kind of haven't really even had a proper beginning, so there's still a chance, if you want it. He does. He hasn't exactly made a secret of it."

Having one's body crave another's, wasn't the same thing as having a deeper connection. A body could want one thing while a mind wanted another, and the mind and the body could want something totally different from the heart. It was better that it was just the body. Getting the heart involved was an excruciating mess and a risk that Seren wasn't willing to take.

"The way he wants me isn't the way one wants a mate. It's not… he wanted…" She didn't really have to explain that, did she? "He wanted me the same way someone wants something shiny and dazzling, but when the shine is gone, they lose interest."

Briar May shook her head stubbornly. She rubbed a hand over her belly and left it there at the bottom, her palm cupping the underside over her coat. She had that happy little smile that only pregnant women got because their body was doing an amazing thing, creating life, and they knew that soon they were going to hold their child in their arms, and it was the most incredible feeling.

Seren was not going to be jealous. She was devastated by her diagnosis and the failed surgeries, but she'd had time to recover. Her heart had mostly healed from those wounds. She'd accepted that it was her lot that she was never going to carry, birth, or hold her own child.

That didn't mean she couldn't be a mother one day if she chose to. It would be harder, but it wasn't impossible.

"Relationships are based on trust," Seren choked, her voice a little bit thick from what she was trying desperately not to feel, about her body, about children, about Rome. "I don't want one. All of them start out strong and then just fizzle out. I don't want that again. I don't want to give the wrong person all of me and all of my world and try so hard and come up empty. Every person is the wrong person. I should be clear on that."

"Rome isn't just a person, though."

Touche. Briar May was a tough sell. "Neither was my ex. He was a half breed, but still. I didn't have to hide myself from him. My parents adored him. Can you imagine what they'd say if they ever met Rome?"

Far from being offended, Briar May's eyes sparkled with amusement. "Oh, yes. Probably what they'd say about this." She waved her hand, indicating the room with the bed and the tattoo equipment put away in a neat cabinet on the side, all the stencils and outlines and artwork on the black painted walls. "That it's a bit of a catastrophe, I'm guessing. Or maybe a full-on crisis. Something you need to be saved from. They'd probably say to themselves that you'd logically turn back. Or that it's part of your rebellious phase. One that has lasted for years. But then they'd meet Waverly, and they'd fall in love. That's not negotiable. Anyone would fall in love with her. She misses you, by the way. She asks about you a lot."

"That's not fair." Seren whipped around to the window. She put her hand up to her throat like she could physically stem the tide of sorrow.

"I know. I know it's not. I'm not trying to play dirty, but at the same time, I'd do anything to see my brother happy. Even when he was secretly with Lila, he never changed. He was never… I don't know. I don't think she was fated for him. He loved her, but I think in the end they would have torn each other apart. She was immensely troubled, from what I can gather. Not the way Rome is either. He's different. He can be kind and loving. He has his own logic, I'll give him that. I know he's done things and that he's not the least bit sorry for them, but there's more to him than that."

"I know. I don't know why I'm okay with that. I'm not."

"But you could get past it?" That sounded far too hopeful.

She hated that she probably could. Not overlook it, but live with it.

You're so far gone, and you know it. What's the point in even fighting it?

"Rome asked me for just one thing other than the check, which I hope you won't rip up. He wanted me to let you know that Castor and I are heading back. Rome is going to finish packing and cleaning and he's leaving tomorrow morning. He wanted me to ask you if you'd consider having dinner with him tonight, at his condo. Yes, even after everything."

"As goodbye."

"I think, more as a hello."

Her hand pressed into her throat so hard she nearly cut off her own oxygen. "I…"

"You most certainly don't have to give me an answer. He said eight and that you know the way."

Seren sucked in a breath. She swallowed it and another. She'd been torn open, and this wasn't an easy way to put a patch on that wound. It wasn't going to give her closure, going to Rome's tonight. It wasn't going to keep her from thinking about him and Waverly an annoying part of the day and night. It wasn't going to give her the life she'd told herself she was done with and didn't want. To be with Rome now, she'd have to give up so much of the life she'd carved out for herself with sheer determination.

It just wasn't going to happen.

Rome had come close to breaking her once when they'd both decided to abandon all the rules of that contract. She'd turned herself inside out for him, disregarded all her own rules. She'd known better and she'd still slashed her own heart in half. She knew she couldn't trust him, and she'd still gone ahead and offered herself to him.

It was more than just her body.

He knew that too. That's why he couldn't accept that gift.

He could have hurt her further, but there was a limit, even for him.

Even now, when she should absolutely say no, when she shouldn't have even listened to anything Briar May had to say when she found out it was her and not a new client at all, she was willing to break the new rules she'd put in place to prevent herself from fucking up her life. Again. Again and again.

Why on earth was she even thinking about what she'd be doing at eight?

"Did you really want to get a tattoo? We could talk about that." She picked up her tablet again and opened the app back to a fresh page. She turned and looked at Briar May, hopeful that she'd let her stop thinking about destroying her life and herself and that they could finally talk shop.

Briar May was a good woman. She'd pushed as far as she could push. She was smart about things like that. She bit down on her lower lip and nodded. "I really do want a tattoo. It would mean the world that it was you giving it to me."

Seren knew, even as she made notes while Briar May talked, detailing her ideas and placement, that she was so screwed, she let out a sigh.

There was no real doubt about where she'd be at eight. She'd be at Rome's, ready to go against all the rules and tear herself apart. It wouldn't be closure. It would never be closure. It wasn't about being sorry or about the way her body craved him and nothing else was even half a match for the burn of that incessant, exhausting ache.

It was about him. It was about her.

It wasn't fated mates.

It was just a single, borrowed moment, an hour, a night, a spell that had been cast that she couldn't undo. She might have been able to hold out and hold fast against Rome if he'd played fair and stuck to the rules, but he was using magic now. What chance did she stand against it?