23. Oliver

H oly shit. It all made sense. Why everyone wanted Lance and Lance didn't take them up on it. Why everyone wanted me except for Lance. Lance wasn't Lance. Lance had been a girl this entire time.

Mind

Blown.

The Madame kept all the sex stuff away from us when we were kids, but she made damned sure all us boys weren't grossed out by a woman's bodily functions and knew periods were perfectly natural. I'd gone with Beck to pick up supplies for the girls plenty of times.

I knew exactly what I was seeing on the back of Lance's pants, but I also knew if he wanted us to know that, he would have told us. Fuck, did I call Lance ‘he' or ‘she?' What did Lance prefer? I didn't know why we spent our entire lives thinking Lance was male.

I also knew Lance was going to need some things, so I lied to Beck and asked to buy some herbs for a tea that would help and just told him it was for a girl I was secretly seeing. The Madame also made sure we'd be able to care for our future wives when they were going through this instead of fucking off to the tavern or brothel like some of her customers. Beck's mom would have Panas beat our asses if we got married and showed up to her brothel while our women were hurting.

The Madame was probably more terrifying than Panas, so we all listened when she taught us.

I went back to the tavern and braced myself to go talk to Lance. Lance would have figured out I knew by now. Lance was probably flipping out, and I needed them to know I wasn't going to tell anyone. I was dying to know, but they didn't need to tell me why. All they needed to know was that their secret was safe with me.

I brought the tea and my best puppy dog face when I knocked. Lance might really be a girl, but if they wanted to punch me in the face, I already knew it hurt because they'd done it plenty of times. When Lance opened the door a crack, I could tell they'd been crying. Yeah, fuck that.

I muscled my way inside, set the tea on the table, and crushed them in a hug. Did Lance never hug us like we hugged each other because they were worried we would find out his secret? Lance collapsed in my arms, sobbing. I just held them up and squeezed them.

"Hey, it's not a big deal. You don't have to tell me why if you don't want. You just need to tell me if you want me to call you a girl or a boy. Your secret is safe with me."

I guided Lance over to the sofa and sat them down. I didn't let them sit alone. I'd been in love with Lance for years, but right now, they needed a friend. I wrapped my arm around Lance and pulled them to my chest.

"My real name is Lucy, but you can't call me that unless we're alone."

"Pretty name. Are you okay, Lucy? I know you didn't mean for me to find out this way. I brought tea the girls at the brothels use to help with their periods."

"I didn't start out lying to you. I didn't know I wasn't a boy until Mom couldn't keep it a secret anymore."

That didn't sound like Caitrin. Caitrin was a strong momma bear and she would have loved her child even if they were a girl. If the Tempris heir was a girl, she took the throne with her husband as a consort, but the Barons didn't let their female children inherit anything. They married them off for power and money. It wasn't like that in Guttertown. I couldn't think of any reason Caitrin would do that to her child.

Lucy saw how I was looking at her.

"She thought she was protecting me from my father. She has the same story as Theda and countless other Guttertown women. The Barons come here when their wives are with child and set their sights on a woman. She couldn't exactly say no and had to pretend to like him and lay underneath him when he wanted it. They always end up pregnant and Mom thinks it's because they are messing with their herbs.

"The Barons keep doing this in Guttertown because they know we're poor and we'll eventually need their help. They can work us until we can't just because they can. Mom isn't stupid. She knew it may eventually come to me asking him. If he thinks I'm a boy, he'll put me in his army or maybe somewhere a smaller man would make him money.

"As a woman? He'd whore me out in the brothels. I'd have no choice and the Madame couldn't refuse it. Mom said if I ended up working there, it was going to be because I wanted to and the only money I'd be losing was the part that went to the Madame because she takes care of her girls. She'd be damned if I worked there because I was forced and my father was profiting off of it."

That was more like the Caitrin I grew up around. The fierce momma bear who did crazy shit to protect her kid. All of our parents were like that, even mine before they died. Tricking Lucy into thinking they were a boy was pretty wild, though.

"What Caitrin did was completely insane, but I guess I get why she did it."

"You know why I hate Neco so much?"

Maybe if I found that out, I could fix this thing with Lucy and Neco. I managed to patch things up with Neco and Ronan.

"I was feeling really weird and achy when Neco cut us off. We used to sneak into each other's bedroom at night. He locked the window and ignored me that night. The next day at school, my body and my mind were hurting. I didn't mean to lash out at Neco, but I did.

"He broke my nose instead of letting me apologize. I went to Ilyn for something for the pain and I didn't know how he was about blood. Ilyn chewed me out and kicked me out of his shop. I found out I wasn't a boy that night because my period started and I thought I was dying. Mom explained she'd lied to me for my entire life and why. I associate all of that with Neco breaking my nose."

Fuck. I could have Neco groveling at Lucy's feet in five seconds by informing him he'd broken a girl's nose, but I wouldn't do that to Lucy.

"Do you prefer being Lance or Lucy?"

"I only get to be Lucy around Mom. Most of the time, I'm pretending to be a man. I don't tell her this because she feels bad about taking my choice away and lying to me, but it's actually confusing as fuck. I don't actually know because I don't get to be Lucy…ever unless I'm at home."

"You can be Lucy around me. Beck and Ronan would keep your secret, too. They'd be happy to let you explore if you'd rather be Lucy or Lance."

"For what it's worth, Mom has always wanted me to tell all of you."

"Why didn't you? We wouldn't have given a shit and we would have helped. We've all been in love with Lance for years. You know we're all together, right? We wanted Lance to be a part of that, but we didn't want to ruin the friendship."

"What the fuck, Ollie? You've got a big fucking mouth, and I didn't know you were all together? Your big fucking mouth is one of the reasons I didn't tell you."

Yeah, I was offended. I heard a lot of gossip at the bar. Sometimes, I heard things I couldn't unhear. I really didn't want to know about Lovel and Earline's sexual escapades because the visuals were haunting, but if they wasted perfectly good lard and got creative with the soup ladle, they gave me all the graphic details.

"First of all, I only repeat the things I hear to my closest friends because I know you're not going to spread it around. Secondly, you know Ronan lives for that shit. Thirdly, I never talk about our business. We knew pretty much everyone in Guttertown was interested in Lance, but Lance didn't seem interested in anyone. We didn't want you to feel left out because we were all together, but we always wanted you to join."

Lucy started laughing.

"You put Lance in a horrifically awkward position when you all decided to lose your virginity at the brothel. I never got with anyone because they couldn't see me naked."

Since Lucy was spilling secrets, this was a juicy one I had to know.

"Well, Lance is a fucking legend at the brothel because that girl told everyone what happened. Since I know the Lucy secret, I need to know that one because I'll bet it's juicy."

"I'm guessing you know how to pleasure Beck and Ronan because you're a man and they are men. I just did to her what I'd want to be done to me and then gave her a massage to avoid getting naked."

Being a twenty-year-old man sucked sometimes. I was trying to comfort the person I'd been in love with for years and they were talking about girl-on-girl action. My brain knew I should change the subject and not make a big deal about it, but my cock wanted Lucy to describe it to me in graphic detail.

So, I just laughed instead.

"We talked behind your back for weeks. It was a disaster for the rest of us. I barely lasted two seconds, and she still looked bored. It was the same for Ronan. Beck knew he was terrible, but she faked it because of his mom. That fucked Beck up for a while."

"Can I tell you another big secret since I seem to be in a sharing mood and you managed to find out I'm not Lance?"

"Well, I told you several of mine. It's not as big as you not being Lance, but you could destroy me with it."

Oh, splendid mother of fuck. Lucy snaked into my lap and straddled me. I'd wanted this for years and I was still terrified of ruining it.

"I've been secretly in love with all of you, too. Mom knew. She can see right through me. It's why she always pestered me to confess. You know, I kissed a woman that night at the brothel, but that was the one time I've ever kissed anyone and I've never kissed a man before. I'm curious."

Oh, shit. Of all the times I dreamed about this, I never thought Lance would be Lucy or that it would actually happen. I needed to make it a good once since this was her first kiss with a man. Thankfully, I wasn't the same sixteen-year-old who managed to bore a sex worker in three thrusts.

I grabbed her and yanked her down to me. I devoured her mouth. She must have tested one of her infusions before she came up because she tasted like mangoes, apples, and mint. Lance was mostly hands off if anyone hit on him, but Lucy was responsive as fuck. She ground on my cock and I was willing to take this as far as she wanted to go.

I groaned when she pulled away.

"Sorry. As you saw, I'm on my period."

"That doesn't bother me."

"Uh, it bothers me. I don't want my first time having sex to be while I'm on my period. My periods are terrible."

"Then you need to finish that tea. I'll pick up more from Ilyn so you have more while you're working tomorrow. You don't have to worry about me spilling your secret. I've been calling you Lance for so long, it shouldn't be a problem to keep doing it in public until you ask me to stop."

"Ollie? When we're alone, call me Lucy. No one calls me Lucy except for Mom. Sometimes, it feels like I'm lost in being Lance and I don't know who I am."

"Anything you want. I'm never going to pressure you. But if you let Ronan and Beck in on your secret, you'd have more people who could help you figure out if you want to be Lucy or Lance."

Because I wanted to help. I loved Lance and Lance was Lucy. Beck and Ronan would love her either way. Lucy needed us. I got what Caitrin was trying to do pretending Lucy was Lance. I didn't have to ask because I knew Caitrin would have given her child the choice once she knew the truth. Lucy decided to keep the ruse up, but it sounded like it was messing her up and she wasn't talking about it with Caitrin.

"I know. Just give me time. I'm dealing with so much shit. Can we do this again?" she asked, nuzzling my chest.

"Any time you want."

It was such a mess. I kept a lot of secrets but I didn't usually keep secrets from my friends. I was lying to Lucy about Neco and I was lying to everyone else about Lucy.

I really couldn't fuck this up or they'd both be in danger.