Chapter 16 - Benedikt

Gemma was right.

I fucked up by bringing her into everything—especially by not taking her thoughts and feelings into account enough and forcing her to go along with my plans.

As much as I wanted to believe that everything I had done was for her own good, I knew there would be no reason for me to do all of that if I had just threatened Gemma with a warning from day one and sent her on her way.

There were other ways I could’ve handled the situation, but I went the self-serving route.

I saw her in the club and realized the opportunity. I seized it without thinking it through, and for that, I was completely wrong.

I didn’t want her to be stuck working at home either, especially not when she so obviously preferred being in the office, but I couldn’t understand why she was taking that aspect so hard. She had been cornered there, and I assumed she would feel safer staying home anyway until I'd at least figured out how to mend the situation.

It wasn’t fair of me to make her a prisoner in the house, but it would be completely irresponsible for me to allow her to go back to work after knowing the Ivanovs already had their finger on its pulse. It would only take them catching her at the right time to sweep her away and use her against me.

That thought alone was enough to make my stomach ache.

As much as I tried to endure Gemma’s shouting as an opportunity for her to air out all of her grievances, I couldn’t stand by anymore and let her run in circles.

“Listen, Gemma. You don’t even need to work! My family has more than enough money to comfortably support us for our entire lives,” I said, hoping to appeal to her with a reassuring tone. “Even if your boss isn’t alright with you working remotely, you don’t have to at all. You can do something—literally anything else with your time.”

While I wanted that point to be a bandage for her and allow her the relief she needed to move forward without worry, it wasn’t the right thing to say, as her anger only deepened while she met my gaze.

“You don’t understand, Ben! It’s not about whether or not I want to work. Journalism is the one thing I have for myself, and you know that,” Gemma said, voice still raised yet wavering somewhat as she pulled in a deep breath. “It’s the thing I have clung to and the only aspiration I have to distract me from how empty the rest of my life is. Without it, I don’t have anything to work towards or to keep my mind off how goddamn alone I am!”

Even if I did know just how important her internship was to her, and journalism as a whole, I didn’t realize just how deep it went until it set in completely. Seeing how badly she wanted to cling to it and preserve it as her outlet for herself was enough to instill that idea in me.

It wasn’t only a passion for her, but the bandage holding her together. A way to cope with the difficult things in life, and a means of not drowning despite it all.

I couldn’t try and fight her on that. It would be unfair.

I knew full well what it was like to not have any kind of balm to soothe the aches. I went far too long without one, and regardless of the hurdles, I believed Gemma had the power to be exactly that.

Ari had said as much earlier, and I knew he was right.

Disengaging from the more heated aspect of the argument, I reeled myself in and let out a deep breath. I nodded to myself, and instead of trying to prove all the reasons I was right just for the sake of my pride, I chose to listen instead.

Gemma took in a deep breath, still reeling even as her anger seemed to falter somewhat. “I’ve wanted it for so long…even if my internship is hard and not at all glamorous like I once thought it would be, it’s mine. I put in the work and accomplished it myself, and if I were to lose that, I don’t know what I’d do…”

Hearing the devastation in her voice at even the mention of it, I couldn’t help but wish I could take that pain away. I wanted to soothe those fears away, but even I couldn’t make that promise. I couldn’t decide whether or not she’d get to keep it.

Even seeing the distraught glaze in her eyes, finally coming back down from that anger somewhat, the guilt mounted ever higher within my chest. I couldn’t let her think I didn’t care, that I took any kind of pride in seeing her upset.

Exhaling, I looked off to the side absently. “I’m sorry, Gemma. Truly. I was being careless with your life and didn’t consider how it might unfold for you. You’re right. Above all else, I’ve been too selfish to realize that I haven’t given you the proper care and support to help you adjust to all of this a bit easier.”

As the words left me genuinely, Gemma paused and seemed to consider what I was saying, although she didn’t give in just yet.

Meeting her gaze again, I tried to show my earnestness through my eyes. “I don’t want to take anything from you. That’s not my intention—especially not something as important as your internship. The thing is, the situation with the Ivanovs won’t just go away overnight. They know where you work, and as you guessed, they’ll come back if they have a reason to. I can’t take that risk. I’ve been careless enough, but letting you go back with the hope that nothing happens to you would be the worst mistake I could make.”

Varying emotions moved through her eyes as she listened, and while she still bristled at the mention of not going to the office, I caught as she sighed. At the very least, her resistance had crumbled somewhat.

“I want you to know that I’m requesting this of you to keep you safe, not to ruin your internship,” I reminded her, hoping she might see how much I meant it. “Please, for now at least, ask your boss if you can work from home. That way, I’ll know you’re safe, and you can still pursue your passion.”

More of her defenses crumbled then, and the longer she considered it, the more her anger and resentment began to fade. She sighed and allowed the fear and sadness to gleam through her eyes. Her voice dropped to a whisper—a dramatic contrast to her previous shouting. “I was so scared earlier…I didn’t think I’d walk out of the parking garage.”

My gaze softened at her words, and I nodded. “I know. I’m pissed they even sought you out, and I should’ve been more careful, but maybe this was the kick I needed to be more mindful of your safety.”

As Gemma averted her eyes, closing them for a moment as she centered herself again, I could feel as she seemed to return to a more typical state of mind. “Just promise me all of this will be sorted out sooner rather than later.”

Nodding at her, I took a step forward and reached for her hand. When she met my gaze and swallowed back her hesitance, Gemma placed hers in my palm. Letting my fingers gently wrap around her hand, I carefully pulled her closer and allowed a new resolve to fill me.

“I’ll make it up to you somehow. Again, I’m sorry, Gemma. For everything,” I said, just above a whisper, the words meant only for her ears. “It wasn’t fair of me to drag you into this in the first place. While I don’t regret getting married, I do regret how I went about it. From now on, this is about more than me, and I’ll be more diligent about your needs.”

While she still seemed torn up about it all and looked exhausted after getting everything off her chest, Gemma didn’t protest.

Even if she didn’t want to give up going to work in person, I could tell that Gemma was just as aware of the danger that would follow her by going. She didn't want to admit it, of course, but I couldn’t blame her.

Seeing that glimmer of uncertainty still in her features was enough to make my heart squeeze with a slight pang of sadness. I didn’t want her to feel alone, or like she couldn’t depend on me. I wanted to be the stable thing in her life and prove to her I was worth keeping around.

For once, I had the desire to prove myself and not pass responsibility off to someone else.

Unable to resist, I closed the space between us and gently wrapped my arms around her shoulders, savoring the plump softness of her body pressed against mine. The comforting warmth through her clothes.

Gemma froze at first, not expecting it, but as I persisted, holding her close to me, she relaxed into the embrace and put her arms around my waist. When she let her head rest against my chest, it made my heart stir, and I finally felt more at ease.

It was a simple yet effective display of my longing to not only provide for her but to protect her and work towards developing what had begun to blossom between us.

Standing there for some time, I didn’t want to move from that spot as I soaked in her touch and the proximity I found myself craving.

Even if I could be stubborn, self-assured to a fault, and oblivious to things I should’ve been more mindful about, I wanted to do better, and to be the man Gemma deserved.

It was the least I could do.