13. Thirteen

Thirteen

Taft’s voice whispered into my ear as he rocked me awake. My eyes snapped open and I jolted from the couch. I had come down here after Landers left in the middle of the night; waiting, listening for the sound of him tethering back into the house. But it hadn’t come before sleep took me.

“Landers . . . where is he?” I asked Taft, my heart beating frantically in my chest. His brows furrowed.

“I have no idea, why do you care?”

“Something happened last night and he left. Has he come back?” Taft’s jaw flexed and his fingers tightened around the coffee mug he had brought for me.

A peace offering.

“You were with Landers last night?” he said the words slowly, like he was trying to hold back the anger that was starting to build.

“Yes, when you locked me out of our room,” I snapped. His shoulders fell slightly and he ran a hand down his face as he placed the warm mug into my hands and moved to sit on the coffee table across from me. It groaned in protest under his weight. I sat back down, letting out a long breath and leaned against the back of the couch as I took the first sip, knowing what was coming next: an apology.

“I wanted to talk before everyone was up.” He wiped his palms nervously on the top of his thighs.

It felt like a never-ending cycle.

He would control me under the guise of protection and love, though this was the first time that argument made sense since I had never actually been in danger before. Then we would argue about how I needed him to respect my autonomy, let me make my own mistakes and learn my own lessons. Eventually, one of us would say something hurtful, leading to a massive blowout. We would apologize the next day, promising to change for each other. He would promise to be less controlling, and I would promise to be more submissive—to not talk back.

But this time, I couldn’t bring myself to apologize, and I didn’t want him to either. We shouldn’t have to say sorry for being who we are, and we shouldn’t have to change ourselves to earn each other’s love.

“Taft,” I whispered, setting my cup down beside him on the table. “I—”

“I need to get this out,” he said, cutting me off. I gazed into his eyes; they were filled with a desperate plea and something in his expression compelled me to stay silent, to listen to what he had to say.

“I’m sorry,” He rubbed his sweaty palms together before reaching for my hand and intertwining our fingers. “I know I have said it a hundred times before, a thousand even, but I mean it this time. I am so sorry, Hyacinth.” He sucked in a sharp breath. “I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did last night. Locking you out was wrong, and I regret it. I was angry, mostly at myself, for letting you down again.”

I kept my eyes locked on the blanket across my lap.

“I’m scared, Cin. Scared of losing you. I don’t know how to protect you from anything outside of the Academy.” His brows furrowed. “I’m scared that your want to keep us safe might make you take on more than you can handle, putting you in a situation you’re not ready for.”

I met his eyes, letting myself study him for a long moment then sighed. “I want to train, Taft. I need to. And if I can help us get to Locdragoon safely—if I can help protect the people I love—then I have to help.”

“I know you want to, but you don’t need to. Knowing that you won’t be putting yourself in harm’s way while we get there will only help all of us get there safer. I can focus my energy on the fight ahead instead of what may be coming for you while you are on the front lines with me.” I glanced away, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

What he said made sense. But it wasn’t what I wanted.

“But,” I began, my voice barely above a whisper, “I want to fight alongside you, not be a burden you have to shield.”

Taft reached out, sliding his hand over my cheekbone, his fingers warm and comforting against my skin.

“Cin.” His voice was soft and pleading. “You’re not a burden. You’re the most important thing in my life, and I would never let anything happen to you. But I need you to trust me. I can protect you better than you can protect yourself.”

I closed my eyes, trying to calm my racing thoughts. I knew he was right. He was stronger and more experienced than I was.

Taft brushed a stray curl from my face, his eyes full of concern.

“I know this isn’t easy for you, but I need you to believe me when I say that you’re safe with me. You don’t have to fight. Not yet. Let me take care of you for now. When the time is right, I’ll train you myself.”

I nodded slowly, trying to convince myself that he was right; that I didn’t need to train. That I could trust him to protect me.

But as I looked into his eyes, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was betraying myself.

“Okay,” I whispered. “I won’t train.” My wounds burned across my body as I answered; like a confirmation that I wasn’t strong enough.

A triumphant grin spread across his face and he squeezed my shoulder with a firm grip.

“See, sometimes you do know what is best for yourself.” He leaned over, kissing my forehead before saying, “Oh, and I don’t want you alone with Landers again.” Then left the room before I could respond, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Emotions mixed and swirled inside of me.

It all felt so wrong.

This was the last thing I needed to worry about right now. There was a war brewing outside of these walls. Our realm was under attack and we were stranded in this house trying to figure out how to stay alive while we made our way across realms. Yet, this was his priority—keeping me from training my magic.

I had been pacing back and forth in my room for two hours, trying to piece together the scattered and broken pieces of information I had received since fleeing the academy. A child was being hunted for power, all because of words written in The Stories centuries ago.

I had a target on my back because I used magic illegally.

Redelvtum was falling around us.

My chest tightened, there was nowhere safe for us.

By the time I made my way back down the stairs, exhaustion from the last two days had settled into my bones and I promised myself that tonight, I would get at least six hours of sleep.

I entered the sitting room to see my friends laughing and lounging in various places as Pri and Wren cooked breakfast together. Despite the looming uncertainty that lay ahead of us, the camaraderie in the room felt light—comforting. I couldn’t stop my smile as I sat at the base of the stairs, taking in the scene while sliding on my boots.

Ata raised a coffee mug in the air from where she sat on the couch to lure me over. I leaned over the back of the sofa taking it from her hand as she smiled up at me.

“You’re too good to me,” I said, taking my first sip. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Andrues sitting in the corner immersed in a book. I sauntered over to him and leaned against the wall.

“Have you spoken to Landers?” I asked, keeping my voice low.

“Yes,” was all he said and I waited for him to give an explanation, to say anything more that would help ease my anxiety—but it didn’t come.

“I haven’t seen him since he left . . . Is he here?” I pressed.

“He is safe, if that is what you are asking,” Andrues said, not pulling his eyes away from the pages of his book.

“Are you always this anti-social?” I asked, turning my body to face him.

“I am not anti-social,” he said in a flat tone. He reminded me so much of Ata like this, with a book in hand.

“A whole four words. Do you ever shut up?” I deadpanned, trying to lighten the mood. He turned toward me, lifting an eyebrow as a small smile crept onto his face.

“You speak enough for the both of us, don’t you think?”

I snorted. “How are you already annoying after three and a half sentences?” I said, rolling my eyes and raising the mug to my lips. He laughed this time, closing his book as he looked over the room.

“My skill sets do not include inconsequential conversation, I prefer to observe.” His response was expected, unsurprising from what I had observed of him so far.

“We are still trying to learn more about the people we will be with for the foreseeable future. You might find us interesting if you tried.” Andrues shrugged in response and the silence quickly became awkward.

“Okay, this isn’t going to work for me.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him from his chair. “Come with me,” I said, dragging him to the couch. “Sit down,” I ordered and pointed to the couch next to Ata.

“Hi . . . ?” Ata looked from me to Andrues, then back at me. “May I ask what is going on?” she said, looking up at me under long beautiful lashes and tilting her head to the side.

“You’re good at taking people under your wing.” I smiled, jerking my head toward Andrues.

“No—” He stood up at the realization of what I was doing.

I snapped my fingers at him and pointed back to the couch. “Sit down.”

Ata lifted a thick, sculpted eyebrow at me and smirked.

“Andrues needs to learn that ‘inconsequential conversation’ is essential to building relationships.” I sat on the table across from them. The same spot Taft had sat only a few hours ago. “I thought you could help him get comfortable with us.” She placed a hand on Andrues knee, giving it a small pat as the muscles in his thigh tensed under her touch.

“We are gonna have fun,” she crooned, flashing him a wide smile.

“Now that that is settled . . .” I winked at him, giggling at the utter dismay that flashed across his face. “I’m going to get more coffee.” I slapped my knees and stood, smiling to myself as I strode out of the room.

Pri and Wren were whispering as I entered the kitchen. Even with their low voices I could still hear an edge in Pri’s tone that made my stomach tighten. Wren scribbled something onto a piece of parchment. I tried to glimpse what it said as he folded it and handed it to Pri. She slipped it into the pocket of her leathers, her eyes flashing to mine as I filled my mug. She gave me a strained smile as Wren slipped out of the kitchen.

I looked around the room, watching everyone as a sick feeling grew in my stomach. Everything was about to change. I could feel it like an electric charge in the air—war was coming.

***

Landers was still missing as Pri gathered everyone around the table. I pushed away the unease in my gut as I focused on my food. This was the second time in two days I had eaten a full meal, not just small scraps here and there with coffee in hand.

I could feel Taft’s eyes burning with displeasure into the side of my face, and forced myself to look anywhere else. His hand had gripped my thigh multiple times during the course of our meal. Every time I went in for another helping his fingers would dig into my skin, a silent command that I’d had enough. So, I had scooped even more onto my plate and shoveled it down just to spite him.

I watched as Pri slid out of her chair and cleared the plates in front of us. Catching Ata’s eye I gestured my head to the kitchen and followed behind Pri as she set the dishes in the sink and turned on the spigot. Ata and I leaned against the counter on each side of her as I picked up an apple, sliding my fingers over its smooth green exterior and bit into it. The crunching sound of my teeth piercing its flesh blended with the water running into the sink, and a burst of juicy sweetness flowed into my mouth as I chewed.

“Should I be scared? Is this an ambush?” Pri asked, smirking over at me as she dipped her hands into the water and pumped the spigot again.

“Yes,” Ata quipped, studying her long red nails. “Killing Wren’s lover seems like a smart decision.” She flashed Pri a wicked smile before both their eyes drifted over to me.

“I wanted to talk to you both, in case it comes up in front of everyone.” I could feel the nerves forming a knot in the center of my stomach. Ata was not going to be happy about this.

I steeled myself for the outburst I expected.

“I talked to Taft this morning.” I hesitated. “I am not going to train.” I kept my eyes glued to the floor and braced myself for the shouting.

But it didn’t come.

I waited for it, for a few more seconds, before I glanced up to meet Ata’s eyes and only saw disappointment there. No anger. Just sadness and disappointment. She said nothing as she stared at me, and I knew I had let her down.

I felt it too. I felt the same disappointment in myself. But I couldn’t ignore Taft’s disapproval. He never wanted to leave Redelvtum, but he did for me. If giving him this, if abiding by his wishes despite mine was what he needed then I would do it.

Pri’s voice cut into the silence hanging between Ata and me.

“I had a partner once,” she said, sighing as she scrubbed at a plate. “He was a brute. He only brought my life misery and pain. Every day, he abused me, in every way you can imagine. Because of what happened with Liam, I felt like I deserved the treatment. Like I deserved to be punished.” She passed the plate to Ata along with a dry washrag, a silent request for help.

“One night he came home, drunk, yelling and screaming about whatever I had done to upset him that day. My face was still swollen, black and purple from the beating I had taken the night before, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I had reached my breaking point.” I sank my teeth back into the apple, breaking another chunk off into my mouth. “That night, he broke through the door to our bedroom that I had barricaded shut, and beat me so badly that I was left unconscious for hours. When I woke from that beating, I killed him.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I coughed out, choking on the apple that had lodged itself into my airway. She glanced over at me with a soft smile, a stark contrast to the story she had told.

“He had touched me one too many times without my permission. Abused and manipulated my mind and body too many times. So I slit his throat before he could do it again. To me, or any other woman.”

“Good for you,” Ata retorted, giving her a smile of approval as she pulled another plate from Pri’s hands. I glanced back and forth between them, unsure what she was trying to tell me, what she was inferring.

“Pri, I—” I stuttered, “I am not going to kill Taft.” A sharp laugh escaped her lips.

“Of course not. That was centuries ago, where death was the appropriate punishment for abuse.”

“If you ask me, I say it still is,” Ata said casually, setting the dry plate on the counter.

“What I am trying to tell you is if you believe you deserve pain, you will attract people who want to inflict it. They will manipulate you until they break you down into an empty shell, or until you decide you’ve had enough.” She turned toward me, drying her hands on her apron before crossing them over her chest.

“Taft isn’t manipulating me. He’s scared, and so am I,” I snapped, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Ata rolling hers, scoffing at me. “We had a conversation. We came to this agreement, together. I owe him some kind of loyalty for everything he has done for me over the years.”

Ata opened her mouth to say something, then pressed her lips back together into a hard line.

“Loyalty through hardship is one thing, Hyacinth. But loyalty through cruelty is another,” Pri said as her words tore through flesh, clawing their way to my heart.

“I came to you both for support. Not to be scolded because you don’t like my decision.” Emotion was building up inside of me and I could feel my skin heating as I clenched my teeth together hard enough it hurt.

“What kind of friend would I be, if I didn’t tell you the truth?” Pri’s voice softened as she spoke and I knew she could see it on my face, all the doubt and fear Taft had instilled in me.

I could sense it in her gaze that whatever she saw in me was familiar to her, like she had stood in my same position. Whatever emotion was icing through my veins quickly turned to shame. Shame that I had given into him again. Given into what he thought was best for me and not fought for what I actually wanted. My eyes started to burn and I willed my features to harden, to dry those tears before they could roll down my skin.

Ata sighed, dragging her hands over her face as she looked up at me.

“Cin, Pri has known you all but a few days and can already see what I have been trying to get you to understand for years. Taft does not want what is best for you. He may be scared, but he is only scared of you finally finding your voice. Finally figuring out that you are so much more than him. That you do not need him. This is nothing but a game to him.”

I opened my mouth to speak, then snapped it shut as I felt a hand grasp my shoulder tightly.

Too tight.

“Why so serious, ladies?” Taft’s voice echoed in the silence between us as I looked back and forth between them. They glowered at him and his grasp tightened.

“Oh nothing,” Pri sang, breaking the tension that was quickly rising. “Just gossiping about old shitty boyfriends that thought they owned us.” She tilted her head to the side, giving him an unholy smile that seemed to say, I know exactly what you are . Taft chuckled, brushing her off and pulled on my shoulder.

“You really should start choosing better company, Cin.”

I flinched as his fingers dug deeper into my shoulder and pulled my back against his chest. I connected my eyes to Ata’s pleading for her not to say anything, not to do anything.

My heart raced in my chest knowing how quickly this could escalate if one wrong thing was said between them. I had seen it so many times before and I knew—I knew that if it happened now, someone would get hurt. I cleared my throat and forced a smile onto my face as I turned toward Taft.

“Let’s go play some cards or something,” I said the words as sweetly as I could, pulling his hand from my shoulder and guiding him out of the kitchen. I sat myself in the corner of the couch wrapping my arms around my knees.

“I still don’t understand why you are friends with her. Ata is bad enough, now Pri? Neither one of them has anything useful to offer you.”

“Don’t talk about them like that,” I whispered, locking my eyes on the flames glowing inside the hearth.

“It’s the truth. Eventually you will see and wish you would have listened to me.”

To my credit, that was one thing I never let him come between. I would never let my friendship with Ata go, I would never let him take that from me.

“I’m tired, I’m going to go take a nap,” I said, sliding off the couch before he could reach for me. In one swift movement I was headed up the stairs, ready to collapse onto the bed and pray to the Gods sleep would release me from the chaos of emotions fogging my mind.

I should have said no to him.

Pri’s words repeated over and over in my head, taking slice after slice at the muscle furiously pumping beneath my chest. I knew she was right. I knew Ata had been right after all these years but I couldn’t reconcile that truth knowing how much he loved me, how much I loved him.

I threw myself onto the bed, burying my face into the pillows as I pulled the blanket over my head, and slipped into unconsciousness.