Chapter 1

"You wanted this," Grace Holmes muttered to herself as she gazed at the organised chaos surrounding her.

"There is still time to change your mind."

Grace turned towards the voice behind her. There was a sad smile on her usually cheerful features. "We both know that I should have done this years ago instead of longing for something that was over before it had begun. I am just being melancholy over the past, but I know my decision is the right one. I need an adventure. It is just a pity that I will be spending the next few weeks at Arabella's, which I would normally welcome, but not this time. I sound like a terrible friend uttering such a sentiment, and believe me, I feel like one."

"I should think you do; your girls insisted that they needed to say a proper goodbye to you. Arabella is holding this house party not only to say that she is ready to face the world, even in a small way, and to introduce her husband to the others, but mainly in honour of you. Not everyone would be given such a grand gesture."

"It is very kind of her, and I am going to miss them all terribly, but I am looking forward to becoming an eccentric traveller. I am determined to be remembered as spending my last years as outrageously as possible."

"You are talking as if you are at death's door, and as I am two years older than you, I find that highly insulting."

Grace laughed at the expression on her cousin's face. "I do not know how you have put up with me for so long."

"Neither do I. But that is what family does; I just wish it had not been my marriage to Stewart that had kept me from visiting you. I would have enjoyed being involved with the escapades that you have been in over the years; your life has certainly had a lot of interest in it. I was envious every time I received a letter from you and wished myself a thousand miles away from Stewart. I realise that I am joining you in sounding ungrateful."

"Fanny, you were the best wife to him and have been a cousin to me in more ways than I can ever repay. I hope that this journey provides you with some much-needed freedom, for you deserve it. I know we should not speak ill of the dead, but he was a tyrant."

"He was not so different to many other men, and I had a relatively comfortable life with him."

"I do not consider distancing you from family and friends as being acceptable." Grace could see that her cousin was looking uncomfortable. "Forgive me. I am digressing when I should not be interfering in matters that do not concern me and cannot be changed any more than they could when they were happening. To get back to the point I was making, I am five and forty, which is hardly in my prime, but that is a fact of benefit to us both. We have not the huge fortune to attract those who would want our money, but our funds are comfortable enough to allow us to enjoy our adventure."

"You have the figure of a woman half your age, whereas I have become rounder with every year that has passed," Fanny said, her tone mulish. "And you are handsome still."

"Handsome has always been a word I hated." Grace grinned. "Although it is certainly becoming more acceptable, now I am getting older. Any compliment is welcome, for they are few and far between once past our salad days."

"Given you have turned those girls into confident, capable women I wonder why you did not do the same for yourself. Surely what happened with William cannot still be affecting you so much? It happened so long ago."

Grace busied herself with instructing her maid which gowns to pack for Arabella's house party and which to ready for sending directly to France. She knew it was ridiculous to have clung to those feelings for a quarter of a century, but she had never met anyone who turned her head as William had. It was not as if it had been a romance straight out of the schoolroom; at least that could have explained some of her infatuation. But no, she had been twenty, and old enough not to have harboured such deep feelings for someone who had disappointed her and let her down so badly.

"Not any more, but I admit to disliking still being in contact with him, which is inevitable because of his connection with Julia. To be fair to him, he stepped in and took over her guardianship when her parents died, but having him there in the background… Let me just say that it has kept the anger and disappointment alive more than it would have if we had never seen each other again."

"Taking his niece in as he did shows that he could occasionally do the right thing," Fanny responded. "Give the poor man some credit instead of condemning him for the rest of his days. None of us had free will when we were younger; we all had to do what our parents demanded. One could say that he was the bravest of us all in standing firm for what he believed in. We could have all taken a lesson from him and been happier as a result. Think yourself lucky that a different marriage was not forced on you when you decided William had not come up to snuff."

"When I decided? You speak as if I was the one in control when he was the one to make the important decisions. Was I incorrect in my reaction at his choices?"

"Oh, come on! We both know that you were prone to the dramatics back then. I shook you on more than one occasion to try and get you to see sense."

"Sense as you saw it," Grace pointed out.

"I was right then as I am now. You are wasting your time looking backwards; it is time to move forward, or I will abandon you for another companion if you become too maudlin."

Grace laughed. "That is the Fanny I know of old. I am glad to see your spark is back, and you can put me in my place when I need it. I am sure we are going to have a grand time of it."

"I am sure we are. Although I might regret acknowledging the fact, I have to say that he did love you. Anyone could see it and I have always thought that he was not given enough credit for that."

"He did not love me enough," Grace said, all signs of laughter gone.

"At the risk of starting this whole trip off with an argument, could the same not be said of you? I thought it at the time, but you were not in the mood to listen."

"I would have done anything to have been with him."

"That is not quite true, is it? You could have reacted differently than you did, and you must know it even if you do not wish to acknowledge the fact. There was the opportunity to be with him, but you turned away from what he offered, and that cannot have been easy for him to swallow. It is a miracle that he can stand to be in your company after the betrayal he must have felt when you turned your back on him."

Grace swallowed at the harsh tone and words her cousin used. "It is done, and there is absolutely no point in talking about what ifs or maybes. I stand by my view that he did not love me enough to delay what he wanted out of life so that we could be together."

She did not acknowledge that Fanny had struck a chord with her accusations. Twenty-five years was a long time to weigh up what had been said, and Grace must have gone over it hundreds if not thousands of times. No matter how much she examined every aspect, she could not get beyond the fact that she felt let down. Disappointed. Rejected. She also felt shame at not being the person he had wanted her to be, that she should have been, the one who was brave enough to take a chance on their love.

Her decision to take matters into her own hands was long overdue, and it did not matter that being around him still made her feel uncomfortable. She had been in his company many times, and this would be the very last time. The thought created a hollow feeling in her stomach, which annoyed her more than anything. She should not have any other emotion but disdain for the man who had let her down, for though she felt remorse now, he carried on as if the whole situation did not bother him in the slightest.

She was determined not to feel the sensations that made her regret her plans. It was not as if he had tried to make amends. No. This was the right choice, a new life, a new adventure without the ghosts of the past hindering her every step.

***

Most of society was in London in December, but it was a place that Arabella would never return to, and her friends understood her reasoning and supported her, so the house party was to be held at her home in mid-Wales. The time of year was not ideal for travelling long distances as daylight was short, but all the invitees had happily made arrangements to spend their time together before Grace left English shores.

As Grace and Fanny travelled, they did not discuss anything to do with William, as neither wanted to continue going over the past. Fanny had always been talkative and kept the conversation going.

"And what of the Bluestocking Club?" Fanny asked of the club Grace had started some years ago as they crossed the border into Wales. The Bluestocking Club welcomed intelligent young women who were very often on the sidelines of society because they did not have enough money, were too old to be considered eligible, or their intelligence was seen as a disadvantage. Very often, it was all three.

"Everything has changed; they are all settled now. For them to become wives was not the aim of the group, but I could not be happier at the way things have turned out. They have found their perfect matches, men who bring out the best in them, yet who accept them for who they are."

"There are others out there who would benefit from the support you have given over the years. Did you not wish to continue in your role? I thought you enjoyed being at the centre of all the machinations?"

"I would not say that I enjoyed being at the centre of things; some of the antics of the Bluestockings have definitely increased the number of grey hairs I have."

"Your letters seemed almost gleeful."

Grace frowned at Fanny. "As part of the change in my situation, I had already decided it was time to hand over the reins to someone else. I think Julia will be the one to step forward; that girl cannot sit down and enjoy the quieter pursuits in life." Julia was the first of the Bluestockings to marry, and the one who had previously put herself in real danger by trying to prevent crimes against others from taking place. "Motherhood and running a household will never be enough to fill her days."

"I am looking forward to meeting them all. It feels like I already know them thanks to your long letters over the years. I was ever so grateful for them, and if not for Hattie, I would never have known that you were writing to me at all."

"Maids are very often worth their weight in gold."

"Hattie certainly was: she defied the other servants without showing any fear. I sometimes wished she could have stood up to Stewart on my behalf instead of having to rely on my own feeble attempts to stand firm at his ridiculous demands. Very often, it was easier to say nothing and do as he demanded."

"I can only imagine what living with him was like. You can tell me whatever you wish, or nothing at all, whichever makes you feel better," Grace said, embracing her cousin awkwardly in the close confines of the carriage. "It is over now."

"Yes, it is."

"And just remember, he would be rolling in his grave if he knew what we are embarking on; you, spending his money on enjoying yourself and travelling all over Europe, when he would not let you travel outside the village."

Fanny smiled. "He certainly would. I am just thankful that we did not have children. It would have made my life easier if we had, in some ways at least, for he would have had a distraction from me, but I would hate for them to have grown up with Stewart as a father. A man who used cruelty and manipulation to get what he wanted would have treated his children in the same way. It used to make me shudder each time he visited my room until I knew no baby had been created. His cursing me to the devil for being barren was worth it not to have put innocents through the life I was living."

"I wish there was something I could have done to help."

"There was nothing anyone could have done; we know that too well. My parents would have cast me off if there had been the slightest indication that the marriage they arranged was not as perfect as they said it was. I think Stewart wanted to be married to me as little as I did him, but he received my parent's property when they died, and that was his reward."

"That is a great shame for both of you."

"It was all about land and money. He would never have tried to divorce me, he could not have gained approval to apply for divorce as his friends were not of the highest calibre, and even if he had, there is no way he would have acknowledged that his situation was anything but perfect. He and my parents agreed in that aspect at least."

"It is a great pity that he did not catch a fever twenty years ago!"

Fanny smiled but shook her head. "He had a strong constitution; I had thought he was certain to outlive me."

"Thankfully, he did not, and I am to benefit from having your company on our trip."

"You do not think me rash, coming out of mourning early?"

"Not at all! And I am not saying that because I want you with me. You gave him years of loyalty; it is time for you to put yourself first."

An unreadable expression crossed Fanny's face. "I cannot claim to have been the perfect wife; some of the time I was downright horrible. I do not wish you to consider me to have been some sort of angel."

"We all have our foibles, and none of us is without fault, but this is our time to enjoy ourselves without any shackles holding us back," Grace assured Fanny before changing the subject as Fanny seemed to be in danger of tears. "It will be soon time for luncheon, and at every inn they serve bara brith and Welsh cakes. They are an absolute must for anyone travelling over the border."

Fanny said nothing in reply, seeming to be lost in thought, but as Grace was eager to tell her all about the food at the inn they were to stop at, she did not pick up on her cousin's silence.