Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Ivy

I’m lying in bed, a glass of wine on the side table, and trying to figure out what I’m feeling.

And why most of it is disappointment.

Is Knox going to be my new dad?

I wanted to say yes. Or even maybe. Or there’s a ten percent chance of saying perhaps in the following counties. Or?—

Christ, I can’t do this.

I grab my wine, climb out of bed and go into the living room.

Evie’s in bed, and she didn’t fight me, thankfully, but I need to be sleeping as well. I have to drop her off in the morning and then have a call with the superintendent himself to follow up about her first days back. A call I’m not dreading because I had a session with my long-time client this morning—the one with the same last name as the superintendent.

Turns out, it’s not a coincidence.

She happens to know the man well because she’s married to his brother.

But it’s more than that.

Her sister married into the family too—and is hitched to the superintendent himself.

Small fucking world.

Especially since her sister happened to join in on today’s session. So, when I told Darlene and Diana—the sister—about what happened and the red tape and lack of responsibility taken by Ms. Hearst, they flipped out, pulled some strings, and?—

No more emails vetted by the superintendent’s assistant.

No more dancing around and placating speech about having it covered and to just trust the district.

I now have a one-on-one call to discuss my concerns.

And I got to listen to the ladies read him the riot act at the end of our session.

Turns out, yelling is great cardio.

And now I don’t just have the Sierra’s legal team at my back.

I have Darlene and Diana and …the superintendent, Brian, on my side.

Am I pulling strings? Taking advantage of my connections?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

And I don’t feel guilty in the least.

I would walk to the end of the earth and back if it meant protecting my daughter.

So no guilt whatsoever…

Until I remember that I have Knox too, that he’s been kind and gone the extra mile and is sexy and sweet and thoughtful and?—

Is Knox going to be my new dad?

I can’t all that thought of my daughter’s to grow.

And I know what I have to do—no matter how much I hate it.

Temple throbbing, I sigh, take a long glug of wine, then do what I do every time the past wants to reach out and yank me back under.

I exercise.

Not to an unhealthy amount—not anymore, anyway.

I’ve definitely had moments like that, times where working myself into exhaustion was the only way to sleep without nightmares coming.

Now I know better.

The nightmares eventually come back, no matter how hard I work out or how heavy the weights or how far I run.

So…I learned.

When I killed myself in the weight room, I ended up hurting both inside and out.

There’s a balance.

But there are still positives to a challenging workout, especially when my brain is slightly fuzzy from the glass of wine.

It quiets Evie’s question that continues to ricochet through my mind.

Quiets the feelings.

Quiets the disappointment I feel because I already know the answer.

Because while I got away with distraction—Knox scoring and us celebrating with ice cream—I know have to tell Evie no.

No, Knox isn’t going to be her new dad. No, I’m never going to be open to another relationship. No, I can’t give you what you deserve. No, I can’t have what I ?—

What I want either.

My head throbs again and I exhale, moving over to the mat I’ve rolled out on the rug.

Then I run through the set of stretches and body weight exercises, easing my body into the familiar routine that keeps me flexible and strong.

It’s muscle memory at this point, my own mix of what makes me feel good.

And it’s challenging, taking all of my focus to hold the positions, to keep my balance, to stay in this place where I’m taking care of my muscles and nerves, my tissue and joints.

By the end, I’m covered with sweat, my limbs are shaking, and…my glass of wine is empty.

This is what I’m always talking about with my clients about hydration, right?

Smiling, I release my plank and flop back onto the mat, my chest heaving, my body covered in sweat…

And suddenly I’m right back to thinking about all the things I can’t have?—

Knox in my bed on the regular, using that big dick of his to bring me pleasure. Knox’s gentle hands soaping me up in the shower. Knox and Evie coloring together while I cook dinner. Knox calling my landlord and getting him to fix my dishwasher?—

“Enough,” I groan, rubbing my hands over my face.

I take my wine glass to the sink, roll up the mat and stow it away, and…

Then I shower.

By myself.

But the memory of Knox’s gentle touch skating over my skin remains.

And sleep takes a long, long time to come.

“Bye, Mom!” Evie says, running into the classroom without a second glance back.

Resilient.

I hate it and I love it—love her —so much.

What I don’t love is turning around and seeing Ms. Hearst standing in the hall behind me.

“How’s she doing?”

“Fine,” I say because I’m not going to make unnecessary trouble. “Thanks for asking,” I say and start to push by her. “I have to get to work now.”

“With the Sierra?” she asks dryly.

“I do work for them,” I reply, just as dryly.

“Right.” She follows me as I start down the hall. “And aren’t they in Southern California right now?”

I exhale, trying to keep my cool because I don’t like the smugness in her beady, snake-like eyes. “They are. But I don’t travel with the team, and when I’m here and they’re not, I work with my private clients.”

She sniffs.

Maybe I should let it go.

But I can’t resist pausing at the gate that leads out to the parking lot and saying, “The guys on the team are great, but I really enjoy working with my other clients.”

She frowns but takes the bait. “Why?”

“Oh,” I say lightly, “because they’re just normal people, not multi-million dollar athletes.” I smile. “I get to know stay-at-home moms, retired businesswomen, ski instructors, nurses, teachers, and even”—I tap a finger to my lips as though thinking, but fuck it, if I’m going to drop this bomb, I’m going to do it in style—“family members of the superintendent.”

Ms. Hearst’s mouth drops open, horror creeping into her expression.

And, know what?

I haven’t had too many wins in my life.

It’s been a grind, a struggle, sometimes a fucking battle. This conversation?

For once, it’s an easy victory.

So, I’m going to take it.

“In fact, I’m speaking to Brian this morning. I’ll let him know how…” I lift my brows, allowing the silence to linger, and I’m not going to lie, the worry in Ms. Hearst’s eyes, the way she goes completely pale?—

Well, it doesn’t make up for what happened to Evie, doesn’t make up for what she was going to do to my daughter…

But it goes a long fucking way to making it better.

“I’ll let him know how helpful you’ve been,” I finish a long moment later.

And with that, I push through the gate and walk out into the parking lot, waving at her through my windshield when I see her still standing there as I drive off.

Of course, as is typical in my life, my feeling of victory doesn’t last long.

Because reality returns as I hear Evie’s voice in my head asking,

Is Knox going to be my new dad?

Stomach twisting, I navigate out onto the road and head for my first client, the cold truth washing over me.

I flick my eyes to the heaven, sigh quietly.

“Yeah,” I mutter. “Thanks for the reminder to not get too cocky.”