Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Aron had a full glass of wine, a plate with an obscene amount of food and a party hat he would normally never be seen dead in. Especially not in front of the man he was currently sleeping with.

Granny’s enthusiasm for the day was infectious and he allowed himself to be carried along by it. As did Paul and the Professor. Granny presided over the table like a benevolent queen.

“Dig in,” Granny said. “There’s plenty more. I think I overordered.”

The caterers had delivered everything piping hot. They had turkey, potatoes roasted and mashed, carrots, parsnips, stuffing and pigs in blankets. It was perfect.

“I’ll never eat all this,” Aron said. “Never mind consider seconds.”

“Course you will,” Paul chipped in. “It’ll help you to face January in New York. Now that is cold.”

Aron nodded. Of course no matter what happened, he would have to serve out his three-month notice, so January in New York was unavoidable next year. What about the one after that?

He caught Granny staring at him. He presumed she was having similar thoughts. She winked at him and commenced battle with her plate of food.

“There is rather a lot, isn’t there?” she admitted.

The Professor speared a brussel sprout. “Leftovers for days,” he said. “That’s how it should be at Christmas.”

Granny rested her knife and fork. “We’ll be on honeymoon, Philip. We’re going tomorrow night, remember.”

Aron bristled at the mention of the mystery holiday. It was playing on his mind.

“Still not giving any clues, Prof?”

The Professor chewed slowly and shook his head.

“All I will say is,” he said eventually. “We can take the leftovers with us.”

Granny was frowning hard. That didn’t sound very exciting.

“How were the needy?” she said to the table.

Aron was relieved she’d changed the subject. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up. Yet, he wanted Granny to be prepared for the worst.

“Hungry,” the Professor replied. “We were run ragged. Weren’t we, Paul?”

Paul nodded, swallowing his food. “It was pretty manic but good fun. There are some real characters there. You should both come next year.”

Aron tried to ignore the flash of anticipation that swept over him.

Don’t read anything into it.

“No, thank you,” Granny said. “I do enough for the area. Christmas Day is my day. I had a most enjoyable morning with one of my favourite people.”

Considering Granny sat on a ton of committees and had made real change for her community in countless ways over the years, she could be indulged.

“She means Mary Poppins,” Aron explained.

He received a playful swat on the arm from Granny. “Stop fishing for compliments. They don’t mean anything if you catch them.”

“And how is Parkin this morning?” Paul asked with a wicked glint in his eye.

He’d always enjoyed seeing Aron getting told off from his grandmother. It appeared that hadn’t changed.

“He’s sleeping off his annual steak. Even dogs should be treated on Christmas morning,” Granny said. “He has enough left in the fridge for tonight. Thank you for looking after him, darling.”

Aron and Paul would both have their respective homes to themselves. If, by the end of the honeymoon, Aron hadn’t coaxed out of Paul what he wanted from this reunion, then he would head back to New York and lick his wounds.

“This time tomorrow, you’ll be married,” Aron said.

The Professor put down his knife and reached for Granny’s hand. He squeezed it and she went quite misty-eyed.

“What a Christmas this is turning out to be,” he said. “We’re so very lucky.”

Paul ran his foot against Aron’s calf, startling him. He glanced over and found Paul grinning back at him.

“You’re weird,” Aron said.

“Who’s weird?” the Professor asked.

“He thinks I’m weird because I’m a sucker for true love,” Paul replied.

Granny nodded. “We all say that until it finds us.”

They carried on eating. Carols were playing on the speaker system Aron had got Granny for their first lockdown Christmas. One for every room. In a house like Granny’s, it had cost him a small fortune.

“Do you remember the last time we were sat like this?” the Professor said. “Twenty twenty-one.”

“Yes,” Granny replied. “It felt so luxurious to be able to visit each other freely.”

Aron caught Paul’s eye. That night held more memories for them than Granny could ever suspect. As soon as they’d retired for bed, Aron had snuck round to the Professor’s where he’d opened another Christmas present. Paul’s trousers.

Is that a blush coming from over there?

“We’re all going to be so full after this,” he said, desperate to change the subject.

“That’s the beauty of charades,” Granny replied. “It helps everything go down.”

The other three all groaned.

“My house. My rules,” Granny exclaimed.

Resistance was obviously going to be futile.

The expensive gas fire in the drawing room that looked exactly like a log fire flickered away. The lights on the tree helped to give the room a magical glow. Aron had Parkin on his lap. The little dog was snoring. Everything was just perfect.

“I’d better be going,” the Professor said. “It’s been a wonderful day, Beatrice.”

“Are you not staying here, Prof?” Aron asked, trying to keep the hope out of his voice.

Now that he’d finally digested Christmas dinner and had avoided most of Granny’s further attempts to feed him, he had plans for Paul that night. No matter what happened. However, it would be far easier if the current arrangements were still upheld.

“Don’t be silly dear. He can’t see me in the morning,” Granny said.

Fuck. She is going traditional then.

“I almost forgot we’re having a wedding tomorrow.”

Granny got to her feet with a little difficulty. She seemed to have an endless supply of port.

“We certainly are. In fact, I’m going to get my beauty sleep. I don’t want to disappoint tomorrow.”

“How could you ever?” the Professor replied.

“Oh you’re good,” she said with a chuckle.

Paul sat up. “Do you need me to come with you, Dad?”

“Nonsense,” the Professor said. “It’s only half past nine. You two young ones can manage another bottle, I’m sure.”

“And some mince pies,” Granny added.

Paul rubbed his belly. “I’ve no room at the inn. Maybe I’ll nip round in the morning and have one for breakfast.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Granny replied. “Goodnight, both.”

Her gaze lingered too long on Aron for his liking. It was as though she could see through into his soul.

How does she do that?

“Goodnight, Granny,” he called after her. “Thank you for a perfect day.”

“Yes, thank you,” Paul added.

“You’re both very welcome.”

They closed the door behind them.

“We’re trapped in here for at least fifteen minutes,” Paul said. “I’m not being responsible for disturbing a sweet lovers’ parting.”

Aron sipped from the brandy glass he’d been nursing. The sting sending heat throughout his body. Being this close to Paul was intoxicating. It was a shame he wouldn’t get to spend all night in his arms.

“It’s crazy to think they must have bottled up their feelings for each other for ages,” Paul said.

Aron hadn’t thought about it like that. Granny was the least likely person to hold anything in. Life took some unexpected twists.

“What a waste of time,” he said.

Paul turned to him. “Yeah. Stupid really.”

Aron wasn’t sure if they were still talking about the happy couple or something even closer to home.

The front door closed and Granny could be heard padding up the stairs. He gazed into Paul’s eyes.

“I have something to tell you,” he said.

“Oh yes?” Paul replied, warily.

“It’s nothing bad, Mr Suspicious,” Aron said. “I’ve all but been offered a job in London. At the British Library.”

Paul sat up. “That’s incredible news. Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because it’s not guaranteed. Forget I mentioned it. Must be the brandy giving me loose lips.”

The flames lit up Paul’s eyes.

“No. There’s a reason why you didn’t tell me. Out with it.”

Aron sighed. “Okay, fine. I worried you might think I’d made the decision to go for it because you’re coming home too.”

“I didn’t think that for a second.”

For a second, Aron was speechless. Did Paul consider whatever they had so inconsequential?

“Good. That’s okay then. I’ll probably take it. Just for your information.”

Aron drained his glass and put it on the coffee table. Perhaps a little too hard.

“Have I upset you?” Paul asked.

Oh fuck it.

“What is this, Paul?” Aron blurted out. “Us. There is something there. You can’t deny it. Being around you I’m a different person and I like it. Then there’s the uncertainty of it all. I’m not a robot. I can’t control my feelings as well as you.”

Paul leapt to his feet. “I told you. This can’t be anything more than this. Two people who enjoy each other’s company from time to time.”

This time Aron stood up. “Enjoy each other’s company? What the fuck?”

“Keep your voice down,” Paul urged. “Your granny won’t be asleep and we don’t need a scene the night before the wedding.”

He was fucked if he was going to share the sofa with Paul again. He paced over to the window and flopped down on the window seat. The times he’d sat there as a teenager, staring out at the world and waiting for his life to start. If only he’d known how bloody complicated it would get. In some respects, he mourned the days when it was as simple as choosing what outfit to wear for the next school disco.

“I don’t know why you do this,” Aron said quietly.

“Do what?”

“Hurt me for no reason. It’s like you get a sick thrill out of it.”

Paul came over. He sat next to Aron and took his hand. “I never meant to hurt you. Not then and not now.”

“Yet you do,” Aron said, snatching his hand away. “Every fucking time.”

To his astonishment a tear ran down Paul’s cheek.

“Hey. What is it? Please tell me. I deserve at least that, don’t I?”

Paul brushed the tear away with his sleeve. Then another followed it. And another. And another.

Suddenly Paul burst out crying. Aron pulled him close. He was shocked at how violently the sobs erupted from Paul. He held him tight as they worked their way through his system.

Something was terribly wrong. Aron would bar Paul from leaving the room until he’d found out what. Even if they had to watch the wedding from this very seat.

Once Paul calmed, he leant against the window frame.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I must’ve had too much brandy as well.”

“Oh no you don’t.”

Paul looked startled. “What?”

“Don’t you dare clam up now. I’ve been waiting two years to find out why you just bolted like that and didn’t contact me. This is your moment so you’d better take it.”

Paul sighed. “It will ruin everything.”

“There isn’t anything to ruin, according to you. Not yet anyway. Please, Paul. Tell me what it is.”

He wished he had more brandy. There was no way he was disturbing the moment to get some. Paul seemed to be on the precipice of revealing it all and Aron was desperate to know.

“Years ago, I was in Afghanistan?” Paul began.

He remembered Granny telling him many years ago that Paul had been badly injured in a mortar attack when he’d been photographing a base there. In those days, Paul had been the Higg’s handsome son that Aron lusted after from afar.

“That has to be fifteen years ago,” Aron said. “I was at uni.”

Paul nodded.

“I got pretty messed up,” he continued. “Mum and Dad were amazing. Once the army flew me home, they brought me back to life. Your grandparents too. How many games of whist did we have to play?”

He was rambling and Aron had every intention of keeping this chat firmly on course.

“I don’t understand. What has Afghanistan got to do with now?”

Paul bowed his head.

“I’d been out there for a month or so. I thought I was really making a difference by showing the world what life was like. Not just for the armed forces but the locals too. No one really gave a shit about me being gay. I got some silly comments of course. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

It was almost silent in the drawing room. Just the ticking of the clock and the crackling of the fire. Aron could hardly breathe.

“One night, Gavin, a captain who was assigned with my security, visited me in my tent,” Paul said. “I had my own to give me space to lay out all my kit and everything. He came to me most nights after that.”

Aron nodded.

“They would take me out on patrol most mornings. Me and interpreter got talking to a family. They offered for me to go and photograph them. I couldn’t resist but the army said no.”

Paul screwed his face up as if trying to stop the memories from taking over his mind.

“I pestered and pestered and, in the end, they gave me permission to go early in the morning. A few men were assigned to me, including Gavin who had obviously volunteered. We got there fine and I set up my camera. I couldn’t wait, Aron. I had convinced myself that these shots were going to get me into Time or somewhere like that.”

Aron’s body tingled. He already knew this story wouldn’t have a happy ending.

“Of course it was a trap,” Paul continued. “The family suddenly fled and a fuck ton of mortars landed on the house in a matter of a minute. It was like hell. Everything seemed to explode at once.”

Paul stopped and took a second. He stared into Aron’s eyes.

“You weren’t to know,” Aron said. “You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“The building was going to collapse inwards. It all happened in a blur. Somehow, I managed to push myself toward the door before we were all buried. I now know I shoved myself off Gavin. I used him to put myself into a better position.”

“Paul…”

“Wait,” Paul said, holding his hand up. “You wanted to hear this so let me get it out. Once and for all.

Aron nodded. He owed him that at least.

“We were buried there for hours before the search and rescue came. We talked in that time. He told me how much he liked me. We planned to do things when we got out and home. He said he was going to introduce me to his family. I told him about this place. Then he stopped talking.”

Aron had no words that would make any of this better. Yet, he still couldn’t see how that had any bearing on what he and Paul shared.

“But…”

“So you see, I can’t be trusted,” Paul explained. “When they pulled his body out of that wreckage, I made a vow I would never get involved with anyone again. If it wasn’t for me, that beautiful man might have had a wonderful life.”

“That was the risk he took joining the army in the first place. To protect.”

Paul got up. “Not selfish photographers who fuck him then take his mind off things so much he didn’t protect himself properly. All because of me. That’s something I have to live with. I do that by making sure it will never happen again.”

So there it was. Laid bare finally.

“I don’t think…”

“I do. I do think. We have to stop this, Aron. I’m sorry. It’s been a wonderful Christmas but I can’t continue with this.”

Aron stood. “Don’t,” he pleaded. “None of it was down to you. What else can I say?”

Paul nodded. “Nothing. There’s nothing to say.”

“So you’re just going to leave? Again?”

“I have no other options. Please don’t follow me.”

With that Paul fled the room. Aron stood transfixed to the spot. It was pointless to go after him yet he couldn’t bear to think that history was repeating itself.

The front door closed softly. Aron sank down on the floor next to the sofa and burst into tears. He buried his face in the cushion as he let all his frustrations out.

It was all so unfair.