15. River

15

RIVER

T he clink of silverware and the hum of conversation at Lusitana were usually comforting, but today, each sound grated on me.

“Hey, Earth to River.” Drew’s voice cut through my thoughts. He leaned against the bar, towel slung over his shoulder, eyebrows knotted while studying me. “You’re looking more stormy than usual. Something up?”

I met Drew through Noah months ago when we discovered Noah was volunteering at the Foundation Drew and his foster brother West had founded to support young people and children in foster care and from disadvantaged backgrounds.

The success and support the foundation had received from the community came down to Drew and West’s hard work. All while maintaining jobs to support themselves.

Every cent they raised went straight back to the charity and the kids.

When West was laid off a couple months ago, I gave him a job as a bartender at the restaurant.

The staff loved him, and so did the customers. It didn’t hurt that he was a damned good bartender, even if sometimes all too perceptive.

I forced my eyes away from the spot where Adam had sat hours earlier with his parents, the hollow feeling in my chest expanding. “It’s nothing,” I lied.

“Come on, man, you can talk to me. Guy problems?”

I hesitated, then sighed, my defenses crumbling like the crust of the lemon tarts on our dessert menu. “I just… I don’t know how to deal with all this space he’s taking up—not just here, but here.” I tapped a finger against my temple, then against the left side of my chest.

Drew’s hand lingered on my shoulder. “Have you considered just talking to the guy about this? About how you’re feeling?”

“Talk to him?” My voice was a strangled whisper. “And say what, Drew? ‘Hey, by the way, your existence is throwing my entire world off balance?’”

Drew’s eyes softened with empathy. “Trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel, and I’m totally asking you to do as I say and not as I do because fuck knows I’m never going to do anything about it. But what’s stopping you ?”

I turned to him, measuring my words carefully so I wouldn’t give too much away. “You’re in love with West, aren’t you?”

His eyes widened. “I’m going to murder Noah.”

I chuckled. “Why?”

“Because he opened his mouth. That’s why.”

“Don’t go on a killing spree just yet.” I leaned closer to the bar. “I just saw the way you looked at West when we were helping you at the old hospital months ago. I’m sure he’s unaware of it.”

“Then you know why I can’t do what I’m telling you to do. If I tell West I have feelings for him, he’s going to be all grossed out, and I’ll lose him.”

“Why?”

He huffed, picking up a glass and cleaning it. “Because we’re brothers, and apparently, that’s frowned upon.”

“Dude, you’re foster brothers. You grew up in the same place, not out of the same vagina.”

“Ew. Please don’t say that again.”

“True though. So, what’s the real excuse?”

He shrugged. “Isn’t it obvious? I don’t want to lose him. If he doesn’t feel the same way, it’ll be awkward. We’ve always had each other’s backs. We built the Star Finders Foundation from nothing. I can’t give all that up. It’s too great a risk.”

“And you don’t think the potential gain would be worth it?”

He smiled wistfully. “When I think of the gain? Yes. To finally be with—” he shook his head like he was trying to shake the whole thought off— “but he hasn’t given me any hints that what he feels for me is anything but brotherly love. The kind of bond that comes from growing up in the system together.”

He put the glass down and stared at me.

“You’re really good at deflecting, Mister Boss. I got tricked for a moment there, but you’re not getting out of it that easy. Why can’t you tell this guy how you feel?”

Dammit.

“Because it’s complicated. Like, foster brothers complicated, except we’re not foster brothers.”

“I’m lost. Who’s this guy? Do I know him?”

My fingers tightened around the polished countertop of the bar, the cool surface grounding me as he grappled with the notion of laying bare the feelings I’d kept hidden for so long.

“It’s Adam.”

Drew gasped. “Adam as in… Adam , Adam?”

“How many Adams do you know?”

“Fuck, dude. Yeah, I get it. You’re best friends, and you don’t want to mess with that.”

I nodded. “Not to mention he’s straight.”

“You sure about that?”

No. I wasn’t sure about that. Not anymore. The lingering looks. The way he touched me like he wanted to do more of it but didn’t know how. The way his eyes settled on my mouth every time we were alone together? No. I wasn’t sure he was straight. But coming to terms with your sexuality wasn’t easy, and while Adam had grown up with two queer brothers, thinking you’re straight all your life and then finding you might not be, has to screw with your head.

If. If what I was reading into his behavior was correct.

“Your silence is loud and clear,” Drew said.

One of the servers came over to the bar to place an order so I took my position by the front desk and checked if we still had any bookings tonight.

I was helping out by placing the chairs on the tables after we closed when Drew appeared beside me.

“I’ve been thinking about it.”

“About what?”

“I think you should start paying attention to Adam and then make a move.”

I laughed. “Pot meet kettle.”

“Well, I’m a hopeless case, but?—”

“And I’m not? At least West is gay. What hope do I have?”

“Okay. Here’s an idea. When you tell Adam, I’ll tell West.”

I almost dropped the chair on my feet. “You’re joking.”

“Nope. Dead serious.”

I laughed. “Well, I guess we’re both going to be pining for the foreseeable future.”

He shrugged and left me to my chair-stacking.

I wiped down the last table, the cloth gliding over the surface in slow circles before I stacked the last four chairs, ready for the cleaner in the morning.

The conversation with Drew was stuck on repeat in my head.

All the what-ifs flew around my mind giving me glimpses of hope but also moments of desperation. Imagining Adam’s reaction to finding out his best friend wasn’t the person he thought.

Would he feel betrayed that I’d kept this secret from him? Because I’d basically been living my life pretending to be just Adam’s best friend. He’d accepted my friendship with the knowledge that that’s all it was.

As I got into my car to drive home, I was still unclear about what to do, but one thing was certain, I didn’t have to do anything.

In a few more weeks, Adam would start looking for a place to live, and when he was no longer filling my space with all the amazing things that were Adam, I’d start to move on. Maybe I’d even pick up my travel plans.

The light in the living room was on when I pulled into the driveway. Adam was usually asleep when I came home from working the closing shift at the restaurant, so I was immediately worried.

I rushed inside to find Adam surrounded by boxes, sitting on the floor with a stack of photos in his hand.

“No one prints photos anymore,” he said, his voice devoid of emotion. “I did it in the beginning because I wanted to have a memory photo album like my grandmother and parents have. I always asked about the people who had been important enough in my family’s life that they got their picture taken. Not only that, they made it into an actual album. It’s interesting, right?”

I removed my shoes and dropped my jacket and keys on the couch before sitting next to him.

“What happened?”

“After lunch with my parents I decided to go back to Victoria’s apartment for my stuff. I’d never realized until then how little I had there.”

He looked at me, confusion and hurt all over his face.

“I had a whole apartment filled with things that were mine before I moved in with her, but somehow, without me noticing, those things made their way to goodwill, or they were sold. This is my whole life, River.” He pointed at the boxes. “I’m thirty years old, and my life fits in a few boxes.”

I took the photos from his hand, put them on the coffee table, and then held both his hands in mine. “These are just material things, Adam. You, the essence of Adam Spencer, is the memories you make or the way in which you were dealt a shitty hand and turned it into a Vegas jackpot.”

He shook his head like he didn’t believe what I was saying.

“You are more than this, okay? You will rebuild your life just the way you want it, and this time, you’re not going to settle for anything less than being swept off your feet by someone who can love you the same way you’re capable of loving others. With that person, you’re going to pick what you take into the next stage of your life and what you let go of.”

He squeezed my hands back and nodded.

“Come here.” I pulled him into my lap, which wasn’t easy since we were practically the same size. I opened the drawer in the coffee table and pulled out my old iPod—remembering how I’d teased Adam in Hawaii for still using his when I’d known where mine was and still used it occasionally. I pressed the button and thanked old technology for longer-lasting battery life.

I put one of the earbuds in Adam’s ear and the other in mine and pressed play. I didn’t have to pick a song. They were all good. The songs we’d picked together over the years.

My own feelings were set aside to return to a place I hadn’t been for so long that I’d almost forgotten it once existed.

River and Adam’s Awesome Playlist .

I stayed still until the battery gave up the ghost.

“Thank you, River,” Adam said, leaning against the door to his room after we’d left everything behind in the living room.

“Any time.”

He turned around to go inside. “Love you.”

My breath caught for a split second before I managed, “Love you back.”