14. Adam

14

ADAM

“ H oney, I’m home!” I joked as I toed off my shoes. I rounded the hallway into the living room, finding River in his favorite place: sitting in the wide armchair with a book in his hands, wearing his favorite book-quotes pajama pants and an old college T-shirt.

“Welcome back, dear,” River chuckled without moving his gaze away from the book.

“Are the kids in bed?” I sat on the couch, placing my socked feet on the coffee table.

“Artemis was an angel, but Augustus put up a fight.”

I bit my lips closed so I wouldn’t laugh as River looked up from the book that had two semi-naked men embracing on the cover. “You picked the names. You should know they come with an attitude.”

“It’s your turn to put them to bed tomorrow. You know how I feel about consistency. Don’t ruin my hard work, dear.”

And then he went back to the book, his shoulders shaking as he tried to contain his own laugh.

“Hmm. You know what this means.” I leaned over and whispered, “We can make sweet love all night long.”

I stood and went over to my room to get ready for a shower as River let out a belly laugh.

The joke had started when I’d come home from work on River’s first day off since I’d moved in and had startled him with my arrival. Usually, I was in bed by the time he got in from the restaurant. Some days, he was up before me to go to the fish market, and some days, I left before he was up.

The whole thing had escalated to me finding River one evening in the kitchen, barefoot, in his book-quotes pajama pants and apron—no shirt—cooking dinner, and now it seemed we already had fictitious children.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and stepped into our shared bathroom. My cock hardened as the scent of River’s body wash filled my nostrils. I was like Pavlov’s dog. One whiff of the smell and I was back in the hotel room, listening to the sounds of him jerking off. My name on his lips as he came. And what it all meant.

Like every other day since I’d moved in with River, I ignored the need to touch myself. At first, I’d tried to think of anything other than River, but my dick wasn’t cooperating. As soon as I’d picture the curves of some imaginary woman, sucking her nipples into sweet peaks or kissing her soft skin, my erection deflated faster than a balloon with a pinprick hole.

I was going out of my mind and didn’t know what to do. The obvious was too risky. How could I tell River I spent my awake moments thinking about his body against mine and how, instead of grossing me out, it lit a fire within me? How could I tell him that suddenly, his lips were the most fascinating thing in the world? How could I tell him I didn’t know what it all meant and was scared to do something wrong and lose him.

I’d read more about demisexuality, and with every passing day since that last night at the hotel, I wondered more and more if River felt something more than just friendship for me. But his behavior hadn’t changed. He treated me just like he always had. A best friend.

A rough laugh escaped me as I stepped into the warm shower. I was still hurting from what Victoria did, but the thought of losing River like I did Victoria? That was so unfathomable that I’d decided there was no way I could ever risk it.

So, in two short weeks, I’d resigned myself to living with blue balls until this phase passed. It would, right?

When I returned to the living room, the smell of tomato sauce pulled me toward the kitchen.

“If my parents ever find out your favorite food is Italian, you’ll be so fired,” I joked.

“You will keep your mouth shut, Adam Spencer.”

I joined him by the stove, where he was stirring the sauce with one hand and the pasta with the other.

“Or what?” I teased.

“Or your enjoyment of this food will be relegated to smelling it from afar.”

“Now that’s just mean.”

He glanced at me, a smile teasing his lips. Those fucking full lips.

I cleared my throat, looking away. “Need a hand?”

“Sure,” he said, oblivious to the errant thoughts inside my head. “Can you grab the Parmesan?”

I moved closer, our bodies almost touching as I looked for the cheese I assumed was already on the counter. My breath hitched at the proximity. River’s gaze met mine, and he smiled. “Fridge.”

“Yes. I knew that.” I turned my back to him to open the fridge. The cool air brushed against my skin, but it did nothing to stop the heat that flushed my skin.

He drained the pasta and turned the heat off the sauce. His practiced moves as he grated the cheese over the sauce were mesmerizing, and I had to force myself to look away.

“I’ll set the table,” I said, grabbing two glasses from the cupboard.

We moved around each other comfortably, grabbing utensils and drinks until we sat at his table facing each other. I didn’t miss how domestic it all felt.

My throat tightened for a second. I’d had this domesticity with Victoria, at least when we first moved in together. Then, she was always away on business trips or working late, and usually, I’d end up having dinner alone.

“What’s that face for?” River asked.

“Sorry. I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Victoria.” I sighed. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the kitchen while someone else is making dinner, and then we eat together.”

River furrowed his brows. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t. I guess…maybe I’ve unknowingly been pretending everything was okay with Victoria and me. So much that I hadn’t realized we really weren’t okay. Maybe her leaving was the best thing. She was braver than me. I would have married her, and one day, I would have opened my eyes and realized we weren’t truly together anymore.”

River put his fork on his plate with a clink. “Nothing will convince me she didn’t do this for herself. She wasn’t thinking of you, Adam. If she were, she would have called it off before you had a hundred guests paying to stay at an expensive vineyard hotel. Not to mention the rest of the bill. Speaking of which, have you spoken to your parents?”

I cringed. “No. I’ve been avoiding them actually.”

“I know.”

Of course he did. Even though my parents were meant to be semi-retired now that River was running the restaurant, they couldn’t stay away.

“Let me guess, they’ve been low-case grilling you at work.”

He snorted. “No low-case about that. Your parents have practically sat me down and interrogated me about how you’ve been.”

“I’m sorry.”

“They’re worried.” His voice carried a distinct layer of protectiveness.

“I know. It’s just…hard to talk to them. I feel like such a failure.”

River reached over the table and grabbed my hand. “This is not on you. Whatever issues you and Victoria might have been having, whether you were aware of them or not, are not an excuse for her to do what she did.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Do you?”

I sat up straight and took my hand back, holding the glass of water. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that you still haven’t gone back to your apartment to grab your stuff, and as much as I don’t mind you raiding my closet, I think that’s something you need to do.”

The pasta suddenly tasted like cardboard, so I took a gulp of water.

“I’ll do it this week.”

He sighed. “I’m not trying to pressure you, but…”

“But what?”

“Never mind.” He stood to wash his plate and cup.

I hadn’t finished my dinner, but I’d lost my appetite. When I took my plate to the sink, River turned to me, and before I knew it, I was on the receiving end of a River hug.

My throat tightened. I hadn’t had a real River hug in so long that I hadn’t known I’d missed it. I wrapped my arms around him and allowed myself the closeness.

When I pulled back, a small tear fell down my cheek.

“I really wish things were different,” he said, gently wiping away the tear with his thumb, a sad smile gracing his lips.

“Me too.” Although we were probably wishing for different things. I knew River hated seeing me hurt, so it didn’t bother me much that he was more vocal now about his dislike for Victoria. He wasn’t wrong about the things she’d done.

We stood there for the longest time. Too close for friends but at the same time not close enough. My pulse picked up with every breath he took as I wondered how long it would take until I felt somewhat like my old self again.