12. Adam

12

ADAM

B ack in the coolness of the room, River headed straight for the shower. I couldn’t blame him for seeking a moment on his own after I’d practically pried his secret out of him.

I wasn’t yet sure how I felt about it. Part of me wondered if I should be hurt that my best friend had hidden a part of himself from me for so long. But considering I was also harboring my own secret, I understood that sometimes telling the truth wasn’t an option because we had more to lose than to gain.

I mean, what would I gain from telling River I was starting to find him fascinating in a way I’d never considered before and that I wasn’t sure it wasn’t just some kind of trauma-induced thing.

As I riffled through my suitcase for a shirt to wear for dinner, I found my empty sunglasses case. I raised my hand to my head, only to come away empty-handed. Of course I’d lose the new pair I’d bought for the honeymoon after Victoria complained my old sunglasses looked like they’d gone to high school with me.

She’d been right, but if something wasn’t broken, why fix it? I’d given in and bought a new pair I planned to keep for the next thirty years.

“Hey, I forgot my sunglasses on the beach,” I called out to River. “I’m going to see if I can find them.”

“Okay,” he shouted back.

I spared a glance toward the bathroom, willing my brain to give me a break from all the thoughts I didn’t need to be having. I was supposed to be crying over the end of my almost marriage. Feeling sorry for myself for being dumped. Not wondering about a naked River only a few feet away.

As I turned the corner of the hallway outside my room, I almost collided with my brother.

“Hey, I was coming to see you,” Lex said. “Were you looking for these, by any chance?” He held up my sunglasses.

“Fuck, yeah. I thought I’d lost them.”

“You left them behind when you ran over to River like he’d taken all your toys and run away.”

“Yeah, I was…” I trailed off, avoiding meeting Lex’s probing gaze.

“Hey. Talk to me. Do you remember what you did when Emery disappeared?”

“I went to your place and stalked his social media to find answers about where he was?”

The pain in Lex’s eyes always got to me when he talked about the year he thought he’d lost Emery when, in fact, he’d been in an accident and had lost his memory. His mom had manipulated him into going back home by hiding his old life from him, and it wasn’t until Lex and Emery were accidentally set up by Emery’s friend Ellie that they reconnected and fell in love all over again.

“No, Adam. You came to my place and stayed with me. You kept me company, and yes, you tried to figure out what had happened to Emery, but for me, the most important thing was that you were there for me. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else. I know you have River, but I hope you know I’m here for you, right?”

I exhaled. “I know, Lex. You have no idea how much I appreciate that everyone is here with me. It’s like…I feel like I can’t trust my feelings anymore,” I confessed, the words tumbling out in a rush. “Ever since Victoria, everything’s upside down, and now—” I choked on the rest, the truth too raw, too new.

Lex’s expression changed. “Has something else happened? Has Victoria been in touch or…shit, is she leaving you to foot the whole bill for a wedding that didn’t happen?”

I played with the arms of my sunglasses. “It doesn’t have anything to do with Victoria. I mean, I don’t think it does, but I don’t know. I…something’s changed, and I don’t know if it was always there or triggered by her. I don’t trust myself anymore.”

“Adam, whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be confused.”

“Am I?” I asked, not bothering to hide my skepticism. But Lex’s words were reassuring. Something in me might be longing for something, someone, it shouldn’t, and maybe I didn’t understand it, but I could take my time to figure it out. “Thank you, Lex.”

“Anytime, big brother,” Lex said, pulling me into a tight hug. Something about being this close to my twin brother always made me feel safe, like there was nothing more right in my life.

“I guess I should go back to my room.” I nodded toward the other end of the hallway. “River is probably done with his shower, so I’ll jump in quickly so we can get to dinner on time. I’m craving a good steak and a bottomless beer.”

“Now there’s an idea,” Lex agreed. “I’ll meet you at the restaurant in a bit.”

The door to the room clicked shut behind me, and I was met with silence before soft, rhythmic moans breached the quiet. They came from the bathroom, muffled by water spray but unmistakable. Heat flushed through my body as my hand froze on the back of the door.

River.

My heart thudded, and I swallowed hard, my tongue too big inside my mouth. I should go back outside, give him a few more minutes, and then come back in and pretend I didn’t know what was happening behind the closed door of our shared bathroom.

I should. But my feet were glued to the spot on the cold marble floor.

River was always so composed, so gentle in his mannerisms. Hearing him like this, unguarded and gasping, was like opening a new window into my best friend.

“Ah…” River’s voice cracked slightly, edged with pleasure.

I pressed my back against the door, my eyes fluttering closed as the sounds lured me further into a maze of desire I’d never felt pulled into exploring. This was River—my best friend, the boy who spent so much time at my place that he had half my closet space filled with his clothes. The friend who’d listened to me every time I got my heart broken. The man I was suddenly feeling conflicted about.

Curiosity mingled with arousal, igniting a fire in my veins. Curiosity about what River might look like in that moment of abandon, about the fantasies and the images in his head as he touched himself.

And curiosity about myself, about the flickering flame inside that seemed to grow brighter with every stifled moan that slipped through the cracks.

I shifted, the movement stirring the air around me. My body responded, betraying me with a tent in my swim trunks.

“Fuck.” Another moan slipped through the bathroom door.

“River,” I whispered, the name a prayer on my lips for the second time today.

What did it mean to feel this pull, this yearning for someone who had always been a constant, platonic presence in my life?

Why now? Why a man? Why River?

I leaned back and slid down to the floor, knees drawn up, head resting against the door.

The moans softened then, tapering into silence, leaving me alone with the pounding of my pulse and the questions swirling in my head.

Then, River’s voice shattered the quietude, his climax arriving with my name torn from his lips. “Adam!”

My heart lurched against my ribcage. My name sounded different when carried on the wave of River’s release.

The room suddenly seemed smaller, the air charged with the electricity.

“Dammit,” I cursed under my breath. I pushed myself up from the floor. My unsteady legs made it harder to move, but the need to escape the confines of the room propelled me forward. I reached for the door handle, my hand trembling as I turned it.

The hall outside offered no relief. I paced between the two walls, which now felt like they were closing in on me. I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes, trying to physically push away the intensity of what I’d heard, what I felt.

I wanted to shout at myself to get it together, but how could I when my world had just tilted on its axis?

With each inhale of my breath, I tried to steady my heartbeat, to cool the flush that had spread across my cheeks.

I needed space and time to understand why hearing my name fall from River’s lips had felt like a call to something deeper, something real. And terrifying.

Why had he called my name? Did it mean he felt a connection with me? When he explained about being demisexual, he’d said he needed to feel a connection.

The elevator at the end of the hallway pinged and a small group of women spilled out, laughing and chatting as they walked in my direction.

I needed to make a decision. Walk past the women toward the elevators or return to the room and face my best friend. After what had happened over the last few days, I suddenly became paralyzed and unable to make a decision.

“Hey, you all right there?” one of the women asked. “You get locked out? That happened to us a few days ago. You’d think five bad-ass women would have it better together, right? Nope. A vacation from life apparently means a vacation from braining.” The other women all laughed with her.

She looked nice in a yellow-and-pink striped summer dress, barely-there makeup, and sandals. Her eyes were warm and sympathetic as she waited for my reply. In another world, she would have been the kind of woman I’d go for, but right now, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted less.

“Um, no, I’m not locked out.”

Her brows met in the middle, and she looked at the other women before turning back to me. “Are you sure you’re okay? I can call reception for help. I’m not a doctor, but you look a little shaken.”

I smiled. “I’m okay. Honestly. You all go enjoy your evening.”

She smiled back and joined the group as they continued down the hall.

Escaping was no longer an option. River was probably ready and waiting for me, so I had to dust myself off and go back into the room to get ready for dinner.

Hopefully, I was good enough of an actor that River wouldn’t be able to tell I’d overheard such an intimate moment. Not only that, but I’d liked it, and given the choice, I would have wanted to watch and maybe even join in.

How fucked up was that?