Chapter Six

AVA

‘I walked straight out the front door of our apartment block with Eliana, dressed in your Bund Deutscher M?del uniform, Ava, and straight to Papa's waiting car,' Hanna said. ‘It was the first time I'd ever done anything like it, and it showed me what someone in our position, in our family's position, could do to help others. Dressed in that uniform, no one batted an eye at us.'

‘I walked past two German SS officers who smiled at me and nodded their heads,' Eliana said. ‘I'd prayed that I'd be invisible, and in the end I was the opposite of that. I was seen as one of them, because they couldn't imagine I was anything other than a carefully vetted pure German in my beautiful uniform.'

Ava couldn't believe it. She was speechless as she looked from Hanna to Eliana, finding it almost impossible to imagine that her sister had commandeered her full blue skirt and white blouse for such an elaborate ruse. She actually felt queasy thinking about it, trying to separate what she'd believed for so long with the truth of what was being told to her, but she still couldn't stop imagining how she'd be thought of if anyone discovered that a Jewish girl had worn her prized BDM uniform. ‘What happened next? How did you get the rest of the family out of the city?'

‘Mama did a similar trick with Frau Goldman, a few weeks later,' Hanna said. ‘She dressed her in her best clothes, and they both carried armfuls of knitted items and blankets, clearly destined for our soldiers at the front. No one would have dared question them.'

‘My father and brother weren't so easy to disguise though,' Eliana said. ‘It wasn't until we were reunited that I learned your father had marched them from the apartment block with a revolver pointed to Papa's head. It was the only way to move him, but it could so easily have gone wrong.'

Ava gasped, imagining the scene. ‘What did you do next?' she asked her father. ‘Where did you take them from there?' How had he taken them anywhere but to their deaths?

‘I told the SS men who were present that I wanted to take care of the Goldmans myself, for daring to live right under my nose, in my apartment block,' Ava's father told her. ‘I said awful things about them that were necessary as part of the ruse, and when we got to the park, I told them to run and fired my gun two times, to make it sound as if they'd been executed. But I'm not proud of the things Herr Goldman was witness to hearing, nor the compulsory hit to his head with the butt of my gun for effect.'

‘But it worked,' Herr Goldman said. ‘We were so frightened, but we had no choice other than to believe in your father. Without him, we would have rotted in our apartment, or been found and beaten to death.'

‘They ran and hid when he let them go, in a building Papa had told them was empty,' Hanna said. ‘He went back to find them that night and collected them.'

‘And brought them here?' Ava asked.

‘To an empty house not so far from here,' Hanna replied. ‘But it wasn't long before we had to move them, and eventually, our only option was to come here. The crows were circling, and it would have only been so long before they were discovered by someone.'

‘But why couldn't they leave Germany? Why could you not find a way to get them passage to America, or somewhere else far away, rather than bring danger into our home?'

‘By the time we had them all out of the city, there was no safe way for them to emigrate. If they'd been caught—'

‘We'd be dead,' Eliana said. ‘Or worse.'

‘We should have gone years ago, when so many of our friends left. My cousin sent us letter after letter, telling us to follow him to England, warning us of what was to come, that we would be blamed for everything that was wrong in Germany.' Herr Goldman wiped at his eyes. ‘But I didn't believe him. I never believed that this madness would ever be allowed to come to fruition.'

Ava watched as her sister went to Eliana, opening her arms and folding her against her body. They stayed like that for a long moment, and Ava waged a fight within herself as she saw the warm, tender way in which Hanna treated Ava's old friend, eventually turning away so she didn't have to see it.

Besides, Ava didn't want to look back at the Goldmans again, the discomfort of their situation not something she wanted to witness. So instead, she went back down the ladder, taking a moment to catch her breath, to come to terms with everything she'd heard, before slowly walking to her bedroom and sitting down on the bed. She only looked up when Hanna came to the door, her arms wrapped around herself as she stood, barefoot, in her nightdress.

‘You knew, all this time,' Ava whispered. ‘You knew and you chose not to tell me what was going on in our home?'

Hanna's silence told Ava that she was right.

They'd treated her as if she were a child, not privy to their discussions or decisions, to the secrets they'd chosen to keep. To the effect it could have on her if someone else discovered what they'd done.

‘I don't know you the way I used to, Ava,' Hanna eventually said, coming to sit beside her on the bed, her voice low. ‘We used to be so close, but I honestly didn't know if you'd agree with our decision, if you'd have the same sympathies as—'

‘Agree? Of course I wouldn't have agreed to this! Are you actually mad? If someone came here, if someone discovered—'

Hanna lifted her finger to her lips, shaking her head. ‘Keep your voice to a whisper.' She sighed. ‘Have you truly never wondered what happened to Dr Goldstein? Or our grocer, Herr Lewinsky? Our schoolteachers? Did you even notice that the people who used to be part of our lives suddenly disappeared as if they'd never existed in the first place?'

Anger rose within Ava, and she felt as though she might be sick right there on the carpet as Hanna spoke to her as if she was somehow the one in the wrong. Heat rose to her face, fuelling her nausea.

‘Did you truly never wonder what had happened to the Goldmans?' Hanna whispered. ‘After all this time, after their home was abandoned and their shop windows were smashed? After all those years living in the same apartment block as them?'

‘No,' Ava answered truthfully, still whispering. ‘No, Hanna, I never once thought about what happened to them. But if you'd asked me, I'd have told you that they moved on with all the others.' Guilt crept over her skin and made her shiver as she said the words. They were just like all the other Jewish families, families that she knew she was never to speak of or to think about again.

Why did I never wonder? Why did I never think about where they'd gone or what their fate was? Should I have?

‘You didn't listen to your beloved Goebbels scream to the crowd at the Sportpalast and secretly think he was a madman?' Hanna asked. ‘Were you truly so gullible when he claimed that Judaism was a contagious infection? Did you actually believe his lies?'

Ava glared back at her sister. ‘You're asking if I was the one person in the crowd who disagreed with him?' she whispered. ‘As if I'm somehow wrong to believe what everyone else believes! We are not supposed to question our Führer, Hanna, and Goebbels was simply spreading his message. We are supposed to follow the rules! You're acting as if I've done something wrong, when all I've ever done is try to be the perfect German girl, just as I was told to be!'

‘What happened to my fiercely determined little sister, the one who could beat me at every game and who read so many books she knew more about the world than any of us? Did she truly lose herself so entirely that she never thought about anyone other than herself? Did she not use that knowledge she'd gathered and question what she was being told?'

Ava smarted. ‘That girl grew into a woman who knew what was expected of her! Look at Sophie Scholl. If she'd only kept quiet, if she had just kept her head down, she'd still be alive,' she hissed. ‘It's not worth the risk! We shall all be arrested for treason if we're discovered!'

If only you'd seen the photos, Hanna. If only you'd seen with your own eyes the things they do to people who don't obey them.

‘And if we do nothing, then the blood of thousands, millions even, will be on our hands.'

Silence sat between them until their father came to the door and beckoned for her.

‘Ava, would you join me in my study, please?'

She rose, not making eye contact with her sister as she followed her father downstairs. ‘After you,' he said, ushering her into his study, a room that she rarely set foot in. One entire wall was adorned with dark-stained oak shelves, filled with endless books, and two leather chairs sat in the middle of the room, facing his desk. Hung behind it was a large, framed photo of him standing with Hitler, shaking hands, and Ava found herself staring at it, as her father busied himself with pouring a drink. He was in comfortable clothes now, and she found he looked so different at home to the man he presented himself as in his perfectly tailored uniform.

She was surprised when he returned with not one but two glasses, with brandy in the bottom of each. Hers was short, and his was a much larger pour, and she watched as he took a sip, indicating that she should do the same. Ava lifted the glass and let the amber liquid touch her lips. The tiniest of sips sent a burning fire down her throat to her stomach, a feeling she wasn't entirely certain she liked, and it took all her willpower to stop from coughing.

Her father crossed the room again and went to his gramophone, taking out a record and filling the room with music as she sat down. She'd heard him listening to records before, but usually it was when her mother joined him for a drink before or after dinner – certainly not with her.

‘Ava, I believe it's time we had a frank conversation, in light of your discovery tonight.'

She took another tentative sip of brandy and found it didn't burn quite like the first.

‘You raised me to join the party,' she said, fixing her gaze on her father, speaking freely now in a way she'd never done with him before. ‘You never once discouraged me from joining the Jungm?delbund or the Bund Deutscher M?del, or told me to think differently from everyone else. And now I find out that you are a – what? A socialist?' The girls in her old BDM group were still like sisters to her, but she knew that if they overheard this conversation, they'd immediately report her and shun her and her family forever.

‘Ava, you know we had no choice in whether we joined the party or the youth groups, or how we appear on the outside, not if we wanted to survive, but we do have a choice in what we do inside our own home.'

She took one more sip of her drink before setting the glass down on the low table between the two leather chairs, holding her father's gaze as she inclined her body slightly towards him.

‘I didn't expect to be having this conversation with you tonight, but you're an intelligent young woman, Ava, and it's time for you to understand what our family has been fighting for.'

‘Papa,' she whispered, so low she barely heard the words pass through her own lips. ‘Are you part of some sort of resistance? Are you all doing some sort of covert work?' Are they hiding other Jews somewhere?

She wanted to turn away, to not hear or see his reaction, but she couldn't. It was only when she saw him nod that her eyes fell shut, that she tried to block it from her mind. So that was why he'd taken the paper, why he'd risked so much to take something from the office, why he was prepared to have the Goldmans hidden in their attic. Her father was part of something that was punishable by death, something that she now understood her own fiancé would kill her father for with his own pistol.

‘You know what they will do if they find out. You know more than anyone what would happen,' she said. Of course he knew – her father was as high up in the party as a man could become, with the exception of a handful of Hitler's closest advisors. ‘Have you truly thought this all through?' The implications will affect all of us. Is it truly worth the risk?

‘Yes. It took me years to act, but in the end I felt I had no choice,' he said, firmly, although she noticed that he looked away as he spoke, staring at something she couldn't see, as he raised his glass and drained the brandy from it. Perhaps he was still wrestling with the weight of his decisions, despite the resolution of his tone. ‘Our country is under the control of a madman. It's as if we were all under a dome, as if everyone has been blinded to what is happening, but there is a movement that is working to change that.'

He rose to pour himself another glass, but she didn't miss the way his hand shook as he held the decanter. She wasn't to know whether it was fear, anger or something else entirely, and she didn't dare ask.

‘It's like we are all part of a horrible experiment, an experiment that has pitted one group of people against another, one country against the rest of the world. To not act, to not do something when we are in a position to do exactly that, it's not something I can live with any longer. And I'm not acting alone, there are others who share my views.'

‘But you have been part of what has happened here,' she whispered, leaning against him as he sat down beside her. ‘Papa, you work hand in hand with Dr Goebbels. Does that not mean you have helped to make everyone believe? To perpetuate what you are now renouncing? That you have been even more involved than almost every other German in spreading these, these...' She swallowed. ‘Lies?'

When he met her stare, she saw that his eyes were filled with tears, and it was the first time in her life that she'd ever seen him show such obvious emotion. ‘I have done what I needed to do to survive, Ava, to keep our family alive and put us in a position of safety. I'm not proud of that, but I also know that if I were faced with the same situation again, I would protect you girls without question.'

Ava leaned forward and picked up her glass, nursing it as she waited for her father to speak again, torn between what she believed was now true, and what she wanted to believe.

‘The war is not going to be easily won. Times are changing, the war is changing, and the quick victory we were promised no longer exists.'

She didn't know what to say.

‘Ava, you must know that most Germans do not have the luxuries we have. That we are privileged in all we do and receive?'

Ava slowly nodded, understanding what he was trying to tell her.

‘Our Führer is asking everyone to follow his vegetarian diet, as if it will make them healthier, but in truth he is preparing our country for the hardships to come, for the hardships many are already facing.' Her father leaned forward. ‘The Third Reich is slowly being strangled, our Luftwaffe are suffering heavy casualties, and our men are returning broken from the front lines.'

She watched him, feeling a question coming, knowing that he was going to ask her to do something.

‘You are in a very special position, Ava,' he continued. ‘You have access to classified information, and that means you could be very valuable. More valuable than you could possibly understand.'

‘To a resistance cause?' she whispered. ‘Is that what you're trying to get me to do, to pass along information to some sort of underground movement? You want me to act against the wishes of our Führer?'

He grimaced. ‘Yes, Ava, that's exactly what I'm asking of you. Now is not the time to be complacent, not if we want to see Germany and all of our people prosper again.'

‘This is what I saw you doing the other day? This is why you took that paper?'

‘It will be so much easier for you than it has been for me,' he said, without directly answering her question. ‘You are right there, you have eyes on so many documents that others could only dream of seeing. And it will only be little things at first, whatever you feel confident in recounting.'

‘What happened to her, after they took her?' Anger rose inside of her, pooling in her belly. ‘That day, when they came for my colleague, I need to know what happened.'

She watched her father shift uncomfortably in his seat. He knew who she was speaking of, there was little doubt in her mind about that, even if he hadn't known her personally.

‘Her name was Lina,' Ava said, lifting her glass and draining it, her eyes smarting as she swallowed. ‘They called her a traitor and marched her from the office, right in front of me. Everyone believes she is guilty, and yet she did nothing.' Ava looked away. ‘And now you are asking me to do things that could result in my arrest? In my being called a traitor?'

He didn't say anything, he just returned her gaze, as steady as an owl as she began to cry.

‘What if that had been me, Papa? What if someone had done that to me, and I was taken? Could you have lived with yourself if it were me in her shoes?'

Ava stood up, torn between wanting to please her papa and believing that what he'd done was wrong. But instead of storming from his study, she stayed there as he rose and took a step towards her, kept her chin lifted, not prepared to back down until he gave her an answer.

Her father lifted his hand and placed it against her cheek. ‘Ava, you have a choice to make, and no one else can make that decision for you. There are risks, and at times they will be great, but there are times in life that our individual risk is outweighed by a greater good. You are also in the privileged position of being my daughter, which means you will always be the last person anyone suspects of wrongdoing. Our family is greatly respected by the party, by Joseph Goebbels himself.'

She swallowed, fighting the urge to lean into his palm, wanting him to know that none of this sat comfortably with her, that she couldn't simply agree to what he was asking. Ava had bitten down hard on her bottom lip, listening to him, knowing that he was right even though she didn't want to admit it.

‘But if you were to guess, about what happened to Lina,' she pressed. ‘I want to know what one should expect, in that situation. If one were to be caught doing these things that you're asking of me.'

He cleared his throat. ‘Your friend will have been taken for questioning by the SS. I would say that they used force to make her talk, that they would have only given up when they'd exhausted all options available to them.'

‘And then?' Her voice was so low it was barely audible. She knew her father's role in the SS, knew that he was likely the one who had ordered Lina's interrogation, as much as she didn't want to admit it.

‘There is a small chance she would be able to return to her family, if they believed she was telling the truth. But there is also a chance that her entire family could now be suspected of being traitors. They may have all been deported.'

Ava didn't need to hear any more; she knew from what he wasn't telling her what the alternative would be, what could happen to her friend.

‘What you're asking of me, what you want me to do...'

He leaned forward and pressed a warm kiss to the top of her head. ‘All I ask is that you consider what I've told you tonight,' he said.

‘And what of Heinrich,' she said. ‘Is he part of this?' Was he also keeping this a secret from her?

Her father's expression darkened then, as if storm clouds had settled between them.

‘Ava, you must never mention this to Heinrich,' he said, reminding her immediately of the formidable SS man she saw him being in the office. ‘He must never know of what we've done, or what we're planning to do. Even a whisper that made its way to him, the slightest seed of doubt planted in his mind about me, you or our family...'

‘I understand.' Ava would be too afraid to confide in her fiancé, anyway.

He patted her shoulder, affectionately, his anger disappearing as quickly as it had appeared, and Ava stepped out of his study, walking down the hall and going up to her bedroom. She was surprised to find Hanna lying there waiting for her, and she lifted the covers to let Ava in, cuddling into her for warmth as they'd done as children, Hanna's anger clearly forgotten.

‘I don't know if I'm as brave as you or Mama,' Ava whispered. ‘I don't know if I can do what Papa has asked of me.'

Hanna hugged her close.

‘There is truly no such thing as a peaceful relocation?' Ava whispered into the dark. ‘The Jews aren't taken somewhere to live their lives together?'

‘No, Ava, there is no such thing.'

She sat up bolt upright then, pushing the covers off her and striding over to the framed portrait of Adolf Hitler that she had on her wall. Ava took it boldly from the hook, turning it around so that he was no longer facing the room, leaning the frame against the wall on the floor.

She knew she would have to rehang it before she left, before their maid Zelda came back into the house, but for now her small act of defiance sent a little thrill through her body. And when she crawled back into bed, as she wrapped her arms around her sister once more, she refused to whisper the words Heil Hitler that she'd so faithfully said for the past few years at every opportunity.

At home, those two little words would never pass her lips. Not now, not after everything she'd come to understand. How could I? When everything I've come to believe in has been proven to be a lie?

‘Hanna, is there anything else you're doing that I should know about?'

Hanna squeezed her hand beneath the covers, and she waited such a long time before speaking that Ava thought she wasn't going to answer. ‘I've been smuggling Jewish children out of Berlin in an ambulance,' she whispered.

Ava shut her eyes tight as she digested her sister's words, as she understood the risks Hanna had been taking for others.

‘Ava, these children are no different than any other child. The things that are happening to them, the way they're being treated, it's not something I can stand by and accept. Smuggling them out is often the only way to keep them alive, and if I can spare one parent the agony of losing a child? Then I'm willing to do whatever it takes.'

Ava blinked away tears, squeezing her eyes shut, the depth of her sister's confession heavy in her heart. Her brave, fearless sister.

‘I'll keep the Goldmans' secret,' Ava whispered, tightening her hold on Hanna's hand. ‘I would never betray you and Mama and Papa. Never.'