Chapter 18

The next week was hell. Arabella had suffered physically and emotionally after her accident, but this was mental torture, and she had no idea what to do to relieve it. Every time Grace tried to mention Michael or what had happened, she immediately shut the conversation down, refusing to be drawn into anything related to his leaving.

Added to that, she was barely sleeping. The events of that day and of each and every interaction she had shared with Michael were burned into her memory and seemed on replay the moment that she climbed into bed. She had always had pale skin, but the dark rings under her eyes were becoming more pronounced by the day.

She missed him. Each moment that passed, she wanted to know what he was doing, if he was thinking about her as much as she was thinking about him. If he was not, it was her own stupid fault. She was the one who had pushed him away when he had begged to stay. Why on earth did she think that he would be doing anything other than congratulating himself on a lucky escape?

Finally giving up the thought of sleep on an evening during the second week, she got up and went to the library to find something to read that might be boring enough to make her eyes droop.

Letting her hand trace across the shelves, she jumped in surprise when Grace entered the library. "You startled me." She smiled. "I thought you were some ghost who I had not come across before."

"If anyone is looking ghostlike, it is you, young lady. Cannot sleep again?"

"I sleep," Arabella responded defensively.

"From the look of you, I would say it must be minutes rather than hours."

"I must remember to come to you the next time I want a compliment."

"I love you, Arabella, but I am going to shake you unless you let go of whatever it is you are clinging onto to make you this obnoxious, aloof, termagant who I am forced to endure every day," Grace responded tartly.

"And you are remaining here because…?"

"Because, as I said, I love you like a daughter, and I cannot walk away when you are intent on destroying yourself."

Tears sprang to Arabella's eyes. "I knew you were fond of us all. I did not think your feelings were so strong."

Grace came and wrapped her arms around Arabella, pulling her to the chair in front of the barely lit fire and sitting her down. Once she had banked the fire, she pulled the footstool over and sat on it next to Arabella.

"Of course I love you all like daughters, and these last days have been almost as hard as when I came after you were in the accident. Then I was afraid your body was not strong enough to heal, but this time I am afraid it is your heart that is broken, and I am sure it is for the first time, not the second."

Arabella flushed, hating yet simultaneously grateful that Grace had seen behind her demeanour. "It is the first time," she whispered. "I thought I loved Philip, but I did not, not even when I chased him to London."

"I have thought for a long time that if your uncle had not taken such a dislike to Philip, your infatuation with him would not have lasted. It was the idea of romance with a man who was out of the ordinary that was driving you on and that it was against what your uncle wished. I know you were six and twenty, but you had led such a sheltered life that you were as innocent as a girl just out of the schoolroom."

"I have had a lot of time to reflect on what happened, and I have come to the conclusion that it was the feeling of not being in control of anything that I was fighting against. Philip was just a convenient excuse, which could have caused me far more trouble than he did."

"I can understand you resisting the many restrictions that your uncle tried to put in place. I know he was worried about fortune hunters, and of course, with Philip, that played into his concerns, but you have paid a heavy price for your foolhardiness. I have struggled to wonder why you let Philip take such liberties when he appeared here; that has never made sense."

Arabella rubbed her hands together and held them in front of the now burning fire. "At first, I intended to throw him out the moment he arrived. Then, when he reacted in such a way as to make me feel like the old me, I thought that he had come back and that I should think myself lucky to have been given a second chance with him," she admitted. Now was the time to be honest with Grace and herself; it felt easier in the flickering light of the fire, only brightening part of their faces. As if her folly would not be as on show as much as in the bright light of day.

"But you have just said that you had concluded that you had not loved him in the first instance. Why would you consider him now?"

"The way he responded to me, kissing my scars as if they did not matter, made me feel warmth towards him, but then his behaviour never seemed to be consistent."

"How do you mean?"

"One moment, he was all sweetness and light, the next it was as if he wanted me away from him. It was just a feeling rather than something tangible, although I would sometimes see his expression change if I turned towards him. It was fleeting, but I began to suspect he was not as enamoured as he was professing to be."

"You are not a fool. Your instinct was warning you that something was not right."

"Oh, I am a fool. Let us be honest," Arabella said. "If I was not, I would have stuck to my initial intention, and he would have been turned away the first day he arrived."

"I half expected you to do that, especially how you reacted to the portrait and his letter."

"I think part of me was trying to cling to life before the accident as if with Philip back in my life, the last three years had not happened. I am not only foolish, I am also stupid."

"Stop that. You are neither. Especially as he seemed to get on your nerves, that did give me hope."

Arabella's mouth twitched. "He did, more and more as each day passed. He was pestering me about getting married. Each time I said that I needed time to think it over, he would go into a sulk, accusing me of not loving him enough."

"How did you respond to that? I cannot imagine you lying to him."

Arabella smiled mischievously. "No, I would not have lied to him, but as he usually flounced out of the room without waiting for an answer, I did not need to come up with something that would pacify him. He usually sought me out a few minutes later, saying that it was his artistic temperament that was to blame and of course he would give me all the time I needed. All he wanted was to secure me, and then we would be together for the remainder of our days. When I think he was saying all that while still married and the shame and scandal it would have caused, I could seek out Sullivan's gun myself and follow Philip to wherever he has gone."

"What an arrogant, pompous fool! I detest it when people make excuses for their behaviour, knowing full well that they could act differently if they wished to. An artistic talent does not excuse rudeness."

"There it is again, that hint that you are speaking about someone you know rather than Philip."

"We are here to talk about you, not I. You are far more important than anything else, for I am genuinely worried about you."

Arabella once more became serious. "I love him, Grace. I tried not to, but I cannot deny it any longer. And I am not speaking about Philip."

"You did not need to tell me that," Grace huffed. "At last, you have admitted it. Now, what are we going to do about it?"

"What can I do? He begged me to let him stay, actually begged me, and I was such a cold fish towards him. Just thinking about how cruel I was makes my cheeks burn. I hurt him, and he should be the one person I would never wish to hurt. What kind of a person does that make me?"

"You have some ground to make up, but if he loves you in return, then he will forgive you, eventually."

Grace's raised eyebrows made Arabella smile, but she all too soon became serious once more. "If I could hope for his forgiveness, it only causes even more issues, does it not? How can we be together? We are from different classes; he would hate being in London for the season. Could you imagine what response he would get from the ton the moment they found out that he was a steward? And that is even before I consider what my uncle would say!"

"And this from the girl who made her own way to London to chase after a man just because her uncle said no," Grace mocked.

"That was before I grew up, I was a green girl." Arabella's tone was defensive and she crossed her arms, glaring at Grace.

"You were a green girl, but you had fire in your belly, and you did not care. Yes, he would be ridiculed, wrongly, but those are the prejudices of the ton, which will not change anytime soon. They should not stop you from grasping happiness and the man you love."

"I wish it were that simple."

"I cannot wait to write to everyone telling them you are returning to London for the season. They will all be ecstatic."

"What? I am not going anywhere near London, especially during the season!"

"Of course you are. That is why you are quite reasonably concerned about Mr Follett being received."

"Oh, stop it!" Arabella cursed Grace. "You know full well that I will never go to London again."

"Then why the deuce are you concerned about what anyone else thinks of your situation?"

"Grace! Language!" Arabella choked out.

"You have pushed me to it!" Grace defended herself. "My point still stands, who is going to care about Miss Arabella Betez marrying a Mr Michael Follett? Do not think you are important enough to remain at the forefront of people's minds three years after becoming a recluse."

"Ouch."

Grace laughed and embraced Arabella. "It is time you had some tough love, young lady. You have not been ready to hear it before now, but since Mr Follett, well, you have changed for the better."

Arabella groaned. "What do I do about it, Grace? How do I reach him to start apologising?"

"Write to him."

"No! Even I am not that forward, plus I do not know where my uncle has sent him to work."

"Ah, so you have already thought that scheme through." Grace laughed at the glare her words caused but was silent for a few moments. "Write to your uncle, say that you were hasty in sending his steward away and you have urgent business to go through with him. He is guaranteed to send him back."

"He is more likely to arrive himself, worried that I have done something wrong."

"Word it differently then. If it is the only way of reaching him, you will have to go through your uncle. He will be delighted to think that his choice of steward was a success."

"I am going to have to grovel to him, too, am I not?"

"It would probably be a good way to start."

"Oh Lord! That is no sleep for me tonight," Arabella groaned.

"As you have not been sleeping since Mr Follett left, I think write the letter now, and then you can relax until you receive a reply."

"And if you believe that, you are the ninnyhammer, not me." Arabella stood and moved to a candelabra and lit it with the fire. "I suppose you are right about one thing. I might as well do it now."

"Finally! We have progress!" Grace said. "I will leave you be. You do not want me hanging over your shoulder as you write."

"What if I need your advice?"

"You are perfectly capable of communicating with your uncle, and you know how best to get his co-operation."

"I hope you are right."

My dearest uncle,

Allow me to start this letter with a sincere apology. I am so sorry to have not been myself when you visited me. I confess that the arrival of Philip confused my thoughts for a little while, but I had come to realise that my previous attachment had been nothing more than youthful folly.

Your arrival and the news that you had been carrying out your own research upset me greatly, but I do understand why you did it. I can only apologise for being ungrateful for your concern for me, which I know has always been steadfast. I hope you can forgive my harsh words and please believe me when I say that I am truly thankful for all the advice and support you have offered over the years, even though it might not have seemed so at the time!

With that in mind, I am writing to ask if you would indulge me once more. Could you please allow Mr Follett to return and continue acting as my steward? I am still committed to learning everything there is to know about running the estate, but I have also come to realise that I acted in haste in sending him away with you. I promise most sincerely that I will not act so rashly again. Please tell Mr Follett that he will be made welcome here if he does return and there will be no comment from me about his payment. I am even happy to take over the burden from yourself, uncle, I know you could have taken the money from the estate, yet again it is a sign of your generosity. Please believe me when I say that I do appreciate you.

I hope you can persuade Mr Follett to give me another chance, for I think we were a good match when working together. If he does not wish to return, I will appoint another steward in due course. Do not fear that I will return to my previous neglect of the estate.

Yours, hoping you are as forgiving and patient as you have always been,

Your niece,

Arabella.

Leaning back once the letter was sealed, Arabella blew out her cheeks. This was it. If it did not bring Michael to her, she had no other ideas as to what she could do to make things right between them.

Having his good opinion once more was the most important thing to her, for she could not stand to think of him having ill feelings when he thought of her. If only she could know that he was thinking of her kindly, at least that would be something.