26. Radley

TWENTY-SI X

RADLEY

For the first time in her life, my mom appeared to be speechless. Or maybe she was waiting for me to speak. Or run into her arms.

Not today.

My gym bag dropped with a thud. I shot a glare – one I'd only learned from her – in her direction and stayed where I was.

"What are you doing here?"

Her shoulder lifted along with a cautious smile. "I wanted to meet Lux, see if he was everything you said he was."

It was probably the shock of having my mom standing in my boyfriend's apartment, the New York skyline behind her, that stopped me feeling in the forgiving mood just yet… but also there was no way she'd come to New York to meet Lux wh en she wouldn't let him come over for dinner last night.

"I don't even know how you got here, but it wasn't to meet Lux, so maybe tell the truth." I marched over to the kitchen, desperate for some water, but I also wanted her to really see me in Lux's space.

I wanted it to look like I was at home here, at home in New York. That I had the confidence she'd decided I lacked, even though my hands were kind of sore from boxing, and every single muscle in my body was trembling from the drills Jake had put me through, and I was struggling to walk.

Even with all those things, I still needed to exude confidence.

I opened the cabinet, praying it was the right one. It wasn't, it was the one which housed all the cereal, so I grabbed a cereal bar. Yeah, way to save face, Radley.

The next one had the water glasses in it.

"Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I couldn't finish the year in a fight with you, Radley. I'm your mom, as much as you might not like that fact right now."

"I don't hate you being my mom."

"Well, that's a relief." She huffed out a smile, her tone full of sass. "Radley, I came to see you." She reached down and lifted a bag, my bag, onto the counter. "And I brought your things back."

Biting into a cold, leftover pancake I found on the stove, I leaned back. "Thank you."

"I packed your diary in there too."

My brows drew together. "My diary?" I didn't have a diary.

She shrugged. "A notebook… you'd written in it?" She slowly eased back onto the stool, and I had to hold in my laughter. My mom did nothing slowly, but from the pace she was movi ng, I'd imagine she hoped I wouldn't notice, therefore wouldn't be scared off.

"Did you read it?" I mumbled through another bite. Even cold, these pancakes were good.

"No, of course not. I saw the first page, is all."

"It's only the first page."

"Oh," she replied, but from the way she was rolling her lips, I could tell she was holding something back.

"Spit it out, Mom."

"Well, you know… what was it? If you want to tell me."

I smiled, and flicked on the coffee machine. "Lux gave it to me. It's a notebook, and that first page is a list of everything I want to do."

"Have lunch?"

"Did you memorize it?" I shot back.

"It's one page. There wasn't a lot on it, Radley."

I turned back to her, one brow raised. "It's a work in progress. The lunch is for me to have by myself, without being scared of being alone, panicking about what to do if someone tried to talk to me, or what if someone noticed me."

She nodded her head like she understood, but from the perfectly straight little line forming between her brows, it was clear she didn't.

"It's my life list. My get a life list. I want my life back, Mom," I sighed, like it should have been obvious. But maybe to her it wasn't, because she'd never been a person worried about being by herself, even before it became impossible for her to go anywhere alone. "I don't want to be scared anymore, Mom. I want to live like a normal almost-twenty-year-old, who's in her first year of college. What I did… what happened… I'll regret it every day, but I can't keep saying I'm sorry because I'll never move on. It's what Doctor Jessops has been trying to drill into me."

While I'd been speaking, I'd kept my eyes trained on the drip drip of coffee hitting the bottom of the cup. I didn't want to see her reaction to hearing I was scared of being on my own. It wasn't new news, but it was exactly why she was increasing my security. But when she still hadn't replied, I glanced up to find her wearing an expression that could only be described as trying to hold her shit together.

"Mom?"

"Sweetheart, my beautiful Radley girl, I'm so sorry." She stepped off her stool, her warm hands cupped my cheeks, and I inhaled her scent; the scent of my childhood. "I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, because ultimately, if I wasn't your mom, it wouldn't have happened. You've been dealt this card, because of the job I've chosen to take. And now I'm putting all my fears on you."

I placed my hands on hers still resting on my cheeks. "Mom, it's not your fault. I've never thought it was your fault."

A soft smile slanted her lips, though the sadness still remained. "And it wasn't your fault, either, my sweet girl, but it doesn't stop me wanting to protect you. It doesn't stop the Secret Service from wanting to protect you."

I eased out of her grip and turned away. My coffee was sitting there untouched, but it was still warm. It hadn't cooled to the point it could be considered cold brew.

I wasn't sure why my mom had driven – or whatever she'd done – to get here under the cloak of secrecy, only to have the exact same conversation we'd had yesterday. It seemed like a total waste of time when she should probably be saving the world or something, especially as she'd be talking to herself.

Because I had no plans to go through that again .

For one, my muscles couldn't take it. Jake had worked me so hard this morning that by the time I'd finished, I couldn't remember why I'd been so angry, or what I was trying to kill him for.

But my mom wasn't done.

"You know, when you were a little girl, you used to follow your brothers everywhere. Didn't matter where they went or what they were doing, you'd follow. If we were at home, you'd go and find one of them in their room and sit while they played, or you'd read books together. Sometimes I'd find the three of you in your bedroom, and you'd turned your bunkbed into a fort, and the boys were trying to convince you to parachute off, or something else ridiculous and dangerous." She looked over, a memory-filled smile growing on her face. "I don't know how you didn't break something. But then the boys moved into high school; Benny was playing sports, and all Henry talked about was the debate team. Remember he tried to start a debate over everything?" she laughed. "God, it was exhausting."

"Yeah," I nodded, "I remember."

"It was around then that I noticed you didn't hang out with the boys so much. Millie was at our place most days after school, but it was afterwards when she went home that you always seemed a little quiet and lost."

"I wasn't lost, Mom, I just didn't want to hang out with the boys. They were gross and stinky. Dad was away all the time, and I wanted to be at home with you. I wanted to read," I smiled. "That's all."

"They were really gross and stinky, weren't they?"

I nodded. "Yep."

"I was away a lot too, right as you started getting older," she started quietly. "And because you were never as outgoing as your brot hers, I think I've mistaken you for being someone you weren't. All these years I've thought you needed protecting because you were quiet, but I'm starting to think that your quietness is your strength."

As she'd been talking, she'd moved closer until she stood right in front of me. Close enough that she could peel away a sweaty strand of hair stuck to my cheek, tuck it behind my ear, and straighten the clover on its chain.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She pressed a kiss to my cheek. "I should have come after you yesterday. I'm sorry that I let you walk out. I think Columbia's brought out a side of you I haven't seen before. That, and that very tall boyfriend of yours."

I chuckled and stepped away from her arms, standing on my own two feet. "I don't want extra security, Mom. I don't need it. I need my freedom. I've gotten used to Jake's team being around, and I'm working with it. I'm making new friends. I can't have more people trailing me."

She gave one single nod. "Okay."

"What?" I asked, wondering if maybe I'd heard wrong, because even though she'd been professing my inner strength or whatever, she had never been so easily persuaded.

"Okay," she repeated. "You can keep the team as it is."

"Really?"

"Yes…" she paused, one finger in the air. "But if Christopher Ellington comes anywhere near you a second time, then you'll be back home with a tutor for the rest of your schooling."

I wasn't about to make that deal, but pulled her into a massive hug nonetheless. "Thank you, Mom."

"You're welcome." She smiled her mom smile again, and kissed my cheek. "Now, can you catch me up on your New York life before I have to go back? "

"Sure."

She dropped her arm over my shoulder and led me over to the couch, taking in the giant T.V., the basketball hoop on the wall, the baseball bats stored in an old can by the door, sneakers discarded on the floor… "So, a baseball player, huh?"

"Yeah. It's as much a surprise to me as it is to you, too."

"Does this mean you're a Lions fan now?" she asked, sinking into the couch as she sat back.

I shook my head. "I'm a Lux fan. But you know what? They're not bad, and the guys kind of remind me of Ben and Henry."

"They're not as messy," she laughed, twisting around to the window, "and I like their view. Are you staying here now?"

"Sometimes," I shrugged. "It's the holidays, and Lux can't stay in the dorms."

"And you're sure you're being safe?"

I knew the question was coming and I could do nothing to stop it, but there was no way I was discussing sex with Lux while we were sitting on his couch , with two Secret Service agents at the door. My mom had the worst timing. "Mom! Yes! I already told you."

"Radley, I'm still your mom, and I'm still going to ask."

"Did you ask Ben and Henry?" I hissed.

"I did."

The face she pulled made me think their conversation went as well as this was going. I needed to change the subject. One thing about my mom; she loved gossip, and nothing was more fun than gossiping about my brothers.

"Ben told me Henry is sneaking around with a girl from his work. Did you know that?"

Her brows shot up in interest. "No, I didn't. What's her name? "

"He didn't tell me."

My mom reached behind her, plumped the couch cushions, and wriggled herself back into them. "What else you got?"

I wracked my brains, between school and being here, I hadn't had access to a whole lot. Unless you counted… "You want to know a secret?"

"Of course."

I glanced over at the elevator; the boys were all downstairs, not that it would matter. He'd probably ask my mom to put in a good word. "You know Tanner Simpson?"

She nodded. "Shortstop? The one who doesn't stop eating?"

I laughed. Yeah, that was an accurate description. "Yep, that one. He's got a massive crush on Millie. When we went skating, he got down on one knee and fake proposed in front of everyone at Rockefeller Center."

It took a lot to shock my mom, but this news had her eyes almost popping out, along with a gasp that dissolved into a loud laugh. "Oh man, I bet she was mad."

"So mad."

"What else?" she asked, when she'd finally stopped laughing.

"I got nothing. What about you?" I shook my head and shrugged. Her eyes sliced to the right, before her smiled widened into a smirk that creased her whole face. I pointed right at her. "You do! Spill it."

"Ben snuck a girl into the house before the holidays, and they managed to trip an alarm. Secret Service locked the place down. She was standing on the balcony in a sheet, hiding behind Benny. Your dad didn't know where to look…" she giggled, kicking her feet back. "If he finds out you know, just blame it on Ja ke."

"Okay," I replied before I remembered the funniest story I had. I couldn't believe it hadn't been the first thing I'd told her, or that I'd forgotten. "Did you hear about how Lux and the boys thought Jake was a creeper when we first met?"

Her head tilted in question.

"It was the night we met. They saw him following me and thought he was up to no good. They tried to stop him."

Her mouth dropped to a perfect oval.

"Yeah, Jake kicked all their asses," I giggled.

"Wow, no wonder you like him," she replied quietly, "and I can understand why. He's certainly someone to have in your corner."

"I love him, Mom."

"I thought you might."

I scooched closer to her, until I could lean on her chest and wrap my arms around her. "I love you, Momma. Thank you for coming up here."

"I love you, too." She stroked her hands through my hair, just like she always used to do. "Do you want to go and find your boyfriend so you can introduce me properly before I have to leave?"

I nodded, my heart suddenly filling with so much gratitude and appreciation for the effort she'd made to get here. I shot off a text to Lux, and less than three minutes later, the elevator doors opened and out he strode.

Broad, tall, purposeful, but always with a kindness in his eyes that softened the hard line of his jaw, and made him immeasurably kissable. It was there the first time I'd spun around on the stool and saw him, and it was there now.

There would never be a time when he didn't take my breath away .

Leaning into the brief kiss he dropped on my cheek, I took his hand and led him across the room to where my mom was. There was nothing but calm where my heart had previously been hammering.

"Mom, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Lux Weston." I gestured forward and continued, "Babe, this is my mom, Emily Andrews."

There was no recognition of having met before, no nerves, no flicker of acknowledgement to what their conversation had been before I arrived, just Lux, thrusting out his big hand.

"It's good to meet you, Emily. I'm a big fan of your daughter."

She smiled, followed with a slow nod. "Me too, Lux, and I'm happy I've finally met you. Come down and visit us in D.C. and I'll make sure my sons are on their best behavior."

"I'd like that."

Her eyes quickly shot to mine and back. "Maybe I can have a word with the Phillies about a transfer."

Lux's laugh roared out. "Thank you, Ma'am, but until Radley decides where she goes after graduation, I'm staying in New York."

"Just as long as you remember that the Secret Service works for me, and they could probably find a dozen ways to hide your body."

Lux didn't even flinch, just wrapped his arm around me and looked straight at my mom.

"Yes, Ma'am."