19. Radley

NINETEEN

RADLEY

Thanksgiving at the White House is full-on. Like, a lot.

Given this was the first Thanksgiving we'd had here, I hadn't been entirely sure how chaotic it would be. But, based on the amount of times I'd been assured that tomorrow would be much, much quieter, I was going with very chaotic. Everyone was rushing around to get their work done before the holiday break. Twice I'd seen members of staff hurrying around a corner, crash into each other, and send papers flying.

I could only imagine how Christmas was going to go.

In the twenty-four hours since I'd touched down on the South Lawn, I think I'd spoken to everyone who'd walked through the doors of the West Wing. I'd been paraded out to meet various chiefs of this and heads of that, made small talk with old political friends of my parents, changed clothes three times, and w atched as my mom pardoned two Thanksgiving turkeys in the snow. Yup. Snow.

I'd been expecting the parade; I hadn't expected to do it alone. My brothers were supposed to be here too. Ben should have been with Millie and me on the flight down from New York, but conveniently missed it, and Henry hadn't bothered to turn up at all.

Even today, I'd been swept up as part of my mom's entourage to attend a Women of the Arts Breakfast – which I guess hadn't been so bad – but I'd escaped at the first opportunity and run away as quickly as one was allowed to run in The White House. I was now safe in the Residence, sitting in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal for my lunch, while I cursed out my brothers.

The only upside to the chaos? Neither of my parents had been able to corner me about Lux. Because there was a ninety-nine percent chance they knew.

One of the seventeen thousand people I think I'd spoken to since yesterday was Casey Bailey, The White House press secretary, who'd called me to her office this morning to ask if I was dating Lux Weston. I'd just about stopped myself from turning an impressive beetroot shade as I replied that yes, I was. She then got pulled away by something much more important which is when I took the opportunity to run.

Therefore, I was somewhat in the dark about what was and wasn't known, but I honestly I couldn't give a shit.

Turns out being happy is the cure for almost everything.

"Radley…" The deep voice was followed by a thud and heavy footsteps. "Radley Badley, where are you?"

The spoon stopped halfway to my mouth. Beyond the wind howling outside, the only sound I could hear was the milk dripping off it, or it would have been if not broken up by the pounding down the hallway, and Ben shouting my name.

"There you are!" my brother greeted as he leaned against the door frame, his grin widening as my scowl deepened. "Badass Radass."

I ignored him, and the nickname I hated.

Instead, I picked up my bowl and drained the remainder of my breakfast-lunch. Brunch. Nope. A bowl of cereal at lunchtime did not make it brunch, but it was all I wanted after my massive Women of the Arts breakfast.

"Oh, come on…" he crossed the kitchen and swept me into a hug. My feet swung like a ragdoll as his fingers needled my sides until I squealed, just like he'd done since he'd gotten strong enough to lift me.

And just like I'd always done… I landed a swift kick to his shin to get dropped back to the floor. "Ouch."

"I thought you would have at least waited a few more hours before you showed your face. You know, put on a shred of pretense that you got held up at school. Henry doesn't even have that excuse, he's in D.C. and he still didn't come."

He dropped a kiss on my head, and grabbed the box of cereal. "We didn't want to steal your spotlight. We didn't need to be here for that breakfast thing. No boys allowed. And really, no one cares about the turkey."

I rolled my eyes so deeply my brain throbbed. "You were still supposed to be here yesterday."

Up to maybe five minutes ago when he breezed into the kitchen, I hadn't really been that pissed I'd had to spend yesterday meeting everyone, even though there were only so many times I could tell people I was having a great time at Columbia, and the Shakespeare class was my favorite, and ignore the little voice deep in my ear wondering if they remembered seeing the photos of me .

The crippling anxiety I was usually inflicted with hadn't felt as present as I remembered it being the last time I was here, but seeing Ben's smug face grinning at me, knowing it didn't even occur to him I might have wanted his support, not to mention he'd completely missed the entire point I was trying to make – the three of us had been told to get here yesterday – set my blood boiling.

My brothers got to do whatever they wanted.

"Calm down, Badass, we'll be there tonight."

"Stop calling me that!" He oofed again as I jammed an elbow into his side, and moved the milk out of the way as he reached for it. "You know I hate it. I'm not a badass."

He tutted, leaned to the other side, and grabbed it. "Why are you in a mood already?"

"I'm not in a mood, but you were supposed to be here with me… and of course you weren't."

"Rad, I have my finals for law school, and mom said I could skip it to stay one more day."

"I had school too, Benny, but I still came because mom asked us to." Also because I didn't realize there was the option of not coming.

Though I knew deep down that I'd have still come to support her.

He shrugged through a very loud mouthful. Cinnamon Toast Crunch certainly lived up to its name when Ben was eating. There was milk all over the table from where it had sloshed from the bowl, not to mention pieces of cereal scattered about because he shoved his fist into the box before he decided a bowl was better.

Were all boys this gross?

No, Lux wasn't. Neither were the other three, and age wasn't the issue because they were the same age as Ben .

"Yeah, we figured you would, so it'd be cool if we missed it," he slurred through a mouthful.

I didn't bother to reply. Instead, I passed him the dish towel to clean up his mess, and flicked on the coffee machine.

I stood there staring at my reflection in the stainless steel. The last time I'd been home was the day I left for school, nearly three months ago. It was hard to believe that girl was the same one staring back at me. I looked the same, but I didn't feel the same.

Not even close.

That girl wouldn't have been pissed at her brother. That girl would have sucked it up and stewed on it for days after. That girl would never have gotten through yesterday alone, she'd have crumbled at the first person she'd met. By the fifth, she'd have been almost catatonic.

But the girl staring back had charmed her way through her mom's advisors, waved to the press as she'd braved the snow, and sat next to the Poet Laureate over scrambled eggs, for an in-depth discussion on the differences between modern day prose and the Victorian poets. I'd kind of wished I'd had a pen with me.

But my brothers would never understand. Anxiety was a foreign concept to them.

As much as they'd always protected me and fought in my corner, it came from a place of me being their baby sister instead of recognizing my incapacity to do things which they found second nature. Therefore, they would always treat me like a baby sister.

A baby sister who had to do shit they didn't want to.

Weak.

By the time my coffee finished dripping, I could hear another set of footsteps. Two in fact .

"Look who I found wandering about downstairs," my dad grinned, one arm around Henry as they stood at the doorway.

Where Ben and I were fairer, like our mom, Henry and my dad were almost carbon copies of each other. Same height, same green eyes, same left-sided dimple and crooked grin, same thick dark brown hair; although my dad's was starting to lighten with flecks of grey.

Ben pushed his chair back so forcefully it nearly fell to the floor. My dad was hugged first, followed by Henry.

"Did you just get here too?"

"Yeah."

Henry pushed Ben away and crossed over to where I was standing, pulling me into a bigger and less annoying hug than Ben. "And what about you, Badley Radley?"

"Yesterday," I mumbled into his shoulder.

"She doesn't want to be called that," Ben whispered on his way back to his cereal, and missed the scowl I shot his way.

I put another cup under the coffee machine for my dad. Ben's hand shot in the air like I was wait staff. "Badass, two more coffees over here."

"Where's Mom?" I asked, dropping my head onto my dad's shoulder.

"In the Situation Room, she'll be up soon."

"Is everyone going home now?"

He nodded. "Most of the administration staff will be gone by two. Anyone involved with the charity dinner tonight will still be here."

"Cool," I replied, suddenly overcome with weariness at the thought of speaking to more people.

It was probably because my brothers had bounced in here like they'd been existing on sugar for the last week. Always ready to pro ve my point, Henry glanced up from his cell screen and pumped his fists in the air.

"Whoop. Only twenty-four hours until kick off. Eagles baby! We are going to kick some Dallas ass tomorrow."

Ben slapped his hand for a high-five and a hollered, "Hell, yeah!"

"Do I hear football talk?"

We all turned around to see my mom at the door, looking way more statuesque and presidential than her five feet three inches would normally allow.

"Yeah, Mom," Ben answered as he jumped up and lifted her in the same hug he gave me. "We're gonna kick ass tomorrow."

"Yeah, we are, but can you put me down?" Her blonde bob brushed along the lapels of her slate grey blazer as her feet were placed on the floor again. She walked around the boys and straight up to me. "Hi, sweetie, did you have a good morning? Senator Pierce said she had fun catching up with you."

"Yeah, Mom, it's been fine," I smiled.

"Good." She turned to kiss Henry, and after a second glance at Ben and the mess he'd made at the table, she stood next to my dad. "Nice of you boys to show up. How was your trip?"

"Yeah, all twenty minutes of it stuck at Dupont Circle."

"Benny? What about you?" She removed the coffee mug from my dad's hand and sipped.

"Non-eventful."

My dad took his coffee back. "How was the rest of the meeting?"

"Ugh," she groaned, tossing her blazer onto a kitchen chair, and stepped back to stand in front of my dad. Removing the cup from his hands, she jerked her shoulders enough that he got the hint to rub away the tension in her neck. "Another meeting about the nuclear arms treaty where the Secretary of Defense and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs can't come to a single agreement. Thanks for walking out, by the way."

"You're welcome." My dad dropped a kiss on her head, ignoring the sass in her tone. "I knew you had it handled."

"Pftt."

To anyone who didn't know my mom, she was a determined, resolute woman who got shit done, and heaven help anyone in her way. This included four-star generals and members of her senior cabinet. Ever since I was a kid, that's how she rolled. She was the one who took on school boards, PTAs, and local government. It was how she found herself running for Senator of Pennsylvania and winning. It was how she became President.

She got shit done.

It was why her opponents didn't like her.

But to people who did know her, she was the woman who always greeted her family and friends like she hadn't seen them in a year, even though it had been a few months at the most.

She was loving and fierce. Warm and steely. She fought passionately for causes she believed in, and stood her ground against the most fervent of oppositions. I'd grown up watching her, hoping that one day I would find that same ferocity in me.

Maybe, recently, I had.

My parents were chatting among themselves, I was waiting for the final coffee, and Henry was still reading about football when Ben stood up. We all watched in silence as he put his bowl into th e dishwasher, and wiped down the mess he'd made at the table.

My brother tidying up was an occurrence as rare as an eclipse.

He sat back down and glanced around before clapping his hands demanding everyone's attention like a judge calling order, which was wholly unnecessary seeing as we were all still mutely staring at him.

"Great. Now we're all here, we can talk about Radley dating Lux Weston."

Henry's phone clattered on the floor, followed by another second of silence, though I think it was more down to shock. My parents broke it first.

"Ben!" snapped my dad, while my mom went with "Benjamin!" which meant he was really in trouble.

As for me, he was lucky I wasn't close enough to kick him again. "What the fuck, Ben?"

"Radley! Language."

It was only Henry's loud whistle that stopped the four of us yelling over each other. "Hang on a minute!" His hands sliced through the air before we started up again. "Everyone, shut up." His eyes flicked between my parents and me. "Radley's dating Lux Weston? The baseball player? Center Field for The Lions? That Lux Weston?"

All four of them stared at me. You could have heard a pin drop, if, you know, the weather wasn't raging outside. In fact, the windows might be bullet-proof, but I wasn't sure they'd be able to keep taking this wind and hail.

I weighed their expressions – from Ben's glee, to the almost identical worried wince both my parents had, like they were praying to whomever was listening that it was all a terrible joke. I tried to ignore the guilt knocking on my brain because I'd waited to tell them in person, instead of telling them two days ago when the Lions' comms team had called Lux. But I chickened out.

Instead, I nodded. "Yes, that Lux Weston. And yes, I'm dating him."

"Radley…" Mom began, but she got cut off by the loud burst from Henry.

"Are you kidding? When did this happen?"

I reached over the table to grab a banana; taking a great deal of satisfaction in the way they watched me peel it in silence, and shrugged. "A few months ago."

"A few months!"

My mom stepped away from my dad and turned to me, "Radley…"

"What?"

She leaned closer, I assume so she could lower her voice in the presence of my dad and two brothers, but we had to be in the smallest room in the White House. She'd need to mime if she didn't want to be heard. "Please tell me you're being safe."

"Oh my God!"

Where was a balcony to throw myself off when I needed one? It was one thing for my mom to talk to me about sex, it was another with Ben and Henry sitting behind me. Though as much as I hated it, it wasn't like they didn't already know I'd had sex or that my life hadn't been turned upside down by it.

All in all, yet another reminder that no one had gone unaffected by my actions.

Except it soon became clear that the sex part of my relationship with Lux was what concerned my brothers the least .

"Radley…" Henry pulled out a chair and gestured for me to sit. I did, but only because my mom was still standing way too close. Henry leaned forward, so I shifted my chair back six inches. "Radley, come on. Lux Weston plays for The Lions. He's a douche. He's a baseball player. A baseball player , Radley."

"I know he's a baseball player, Henry. I've seen him play."

It was Ben's turn next, spinning his chair around and straddling it like he'd been watching way too many cop dramas. It was probably a law school thing. "Is this because you want to start dating again? Because if so, Hen and I can introduce you to some decent guys. Good guys who'll treat you well…"

"I'm not dating one of your friends," I scoffed. I'd met their friends.

"Does it need to be sports then, is that it? Because we can find you sports guys. Mom can set you up with one of the Phillies, even the Nats, but not the Lions, Radley, we're begging you."

"It's not sports…" I began, only to be interrupted.

"Remember Opening Day? It was so bad."

"Yeah, for them," snorted Ben.

Now probably wasn't the time to explain why Ace had tanked on Opening Day, though since Lux, I now understood how one person could drive you to so much distraction.

I tried again. "It's not sports, it's Lux."

My mom went next, using the same calming tone she had when I was younger. "Radley, do you really think a baseball player is the best way to step into the dating pool again? You wanted to go to Columbia and take things easy."

"I wanted to go to Columbia and get my life back," I corrected .

"And dating a New York Lion is the way to do that?" The smirk on Ben's face made me want to kick him in the shin again, but harder. "I guess you're going to date someone."

"Not a New York Lion!" snapped Henry.

I ate my banana in silence, watching them argue amongst themselves about my dating life. It was still hard to tell whether they were more concerned I was dating a Lion or dating, period.

Now was as good a time as any to make an announcement. "I want him to come over during the holidays. I'd like you to meet him."

My mom didn't even pause for a breath "Radley, I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart."

My chair screeched loudly against the floorboards as I pushed back, the sound perfectly summing up the frustration and annoyance bubbling inside me. It was another example of how Ben and Henry got to do what they wanted, while I towed the line.

Not this time.

"Might I remind you Ben brought a girl here the first month we moved in, and he wasn't even dating her, to paraphrase him, they were ‘only fucking'."

"Radley!" My dad barked, which was the first thing he'd said during this entire conversation.

"What?" I snapped back. "I'm not a kid. Henry brought a girl back here for the Fourth of July barbecue, as did Millie's brothers. It seems like there's one rule for the boys and another for me. I'm dating Lux, we've been together for two months, and I'd like my family to meet him, though God knows why."

Henry rolled his eyes, Ben sat in his chair looking far too pleased with himself, and my parents said nothing but glanced at each other in the way that parents do; silently communicatin g but speaking volumes.

"Radley, let's think about it," my mom said eventually.

I shook my head. "Unbelievable."

"I vote to meet him." Ben's hand shot in the air, his face a picture of innocence. If I didn't know he was up to something, I'd be impressed. "Anyone's better than that dick, Ellington."

The banana found itself inhaled down my windpipe. If Henry hadn't jumped up and smacked me on the back, I'm sure I could have died. Maybe not, but nearly.

The temperature of the air dropped significantly.

"Do not mention that name in this house! Do not mention that name, ever!" snarled my mom. Yeah, I could see the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs quaking, but it didn't have the same effect on Ben.

What was more interesting was hearing his name didn't have the same effect on me. I didn't break into a cold sweat, or need to swallow the bile burning my throat. Hearing his name did nothing but add to the annoyance I already felt.

"Hey, did you see he got glitter bombed? It was caught on camera by some tourist. They're calling him Glitter Boy." Ben snorted loudly, snatching Henry's phone up. "It's all over social. Even Jimmy Kimmel was talking about it last night."

I stilled. I knew the video had been gaining popularity. Every time I'd been over at Lux's, Tanner or Parker would mention it, always looking incredibly pleased with themselves. Because it had been seen by so many people, they'd decided against sending more, something I'd been secretly relieved about. If it ever got back to me, there'd be more than Hell to pay, especially if Jimmy Kimmel was talking about it.

Ben slid the phone across the table to Henry and pressed play.

He had the exact same reaction of everyone I'd seen watching it: eyes cartoon wide, a loud gasp, then he dissolved into bursts of laughter.

"Oh fuck…"

I knew the bit that got him, too. Right at the end, when the camera zoomed into Ellington's shocked, glittery face, and you can see the rage build in his eyes.

"Give me that." Mom snatched the phone from Henry's hand. To give her credit, she lasted longer than the two of them before her laughter hit. She watched it twice before passing the phone to my dad.

I tossed the banana peel into the trash. "While you're all killing yourself laughing and hating on Lux, you should know that he did that." I pointed to my dad holding the phone. "Lux and Tanner Simpson and Parker King. They found out about what happened to me, what Ellington did, and sent that."

All four of them looked at me, their eyes streaming with tears. Ben was wheezing so hard he sounded like he needed an oxygen cannister.

"Lux and his friends are the only ones who've ever given Ellington any kind of payback. I didn't ask them to, they just did it. And while I hadn't planned on dating anyone, I am dating Lux, and I've got no plans to stop. He's going to come here during the holidays, you have a month to get used to the idea, and a month to get any shitty baseball jokes out of your system."

I could hear their laughter all the way down the corridor.

I dropped onto my bed, and hit dial for the one person I wanted to talk to right now.

Lux's face filled the screen, his hazel eyes shining underneath a bright pink woolly hat. I'd never known a boy to wear so much color, but that summed him up - Lux was color personified, happy and chilled. And between the hat and the thick winter coat covering the lower half of his face, his eyes were the only thing visible.

"Hey there, Goldilocks."

"Where are you?"

"Walking to the plane, just about to board," he grinned. "You were right about the snow. How was your breakfast thing?"

"It was good. Will you bring me back some Mickey ears?"

"I think I can manage that." His eyes moved to the left, greeting someone before flicking back to me. "I gotta go, I'll call you back later, ‘kay?"

"Okay, have a good flight."

He hesitated for the briefest second, his lips parted, but the screen went black. Weird.

I tossed my phone to the side and reached for the notebook he'd given me which was sitting next to a pile of books I had to read. I opened it to the first page, my eyes darting over what I'd already written.

I had yet to cross anything off.

There were only half a dozen items on my list, separated into two categories; things to do alone, things to do with friends and/ or Lux.

I'd already decided that to make it on the list, it needed to be a tangible action. Notes like be braver were too abstract. Instead, it was items like go to the gym alone . I could probably do that now, except the White House gym would be empty so it kind of defeated the purpose.

I glanced down to see what on my list I could accomplish right now, but they mostly required me to be outside. From my window I could usually see the Washington Monument, but even with the dimming light, the swirling blizzard outside had all but blurred it from view. I did not want to go for a run.

I tugged on my four-leaf clover, running it back and forth along its delicate gold chain, wishing for some inspiration. This list was hard.

I also tried not to look at the first thing I'd written.

Sitting right there at the top, above my little grid of categories, Christopher Ellington was printed out in block letters. I had no idea why I'd added it, but I also couldn't bring myself to scratch through it.

My pen was hovering over the page when my door opened with a knock, or maybe a kick, seeing as it flew back and hit the wall. Neither of my brothers bothered to wait for me to approve them entry, they just barged on through anyway.

"Hey, Rads," Ben smiled, looking far less guilty than he should, and shoved a chocolate chip muffin at me. "Brought you a peace offering."

I stared at the muffin, weighing whether I wanted to make peace with being hungry, but eventually hunger won and I snatched it out of his hand.

I took a bite. Yeah, the muffin was the right decision.

"Hello, Butthead."

"We're sorry, okay? "

"I'm not mad, I just don't care what you think."

"Ouch." Ben clasped his chest, but his grin never faltered. In fact, it got bigger. "We just want to make sure you're okay, and not making the same mistake."

"If I do, it's my mistake to make." Hopefully Doctor Jessops wouldn't mind me stealing her favorite catchphrase. "What I went through was humiliating and violating, and I know you all had to endure it too, and I'm so sorry I brought it on you all, but I'm not made of glass."

"We just want you to be happy," Henry started, "preferably not with a center fielder who has an on base plus slugging percentage close to point nine, when they don't play for the Phillies, but…"

"Henry… is this because Lux is a good center field? Or because you don't want me dating?"

"Neither." Though from his face, I still wasn't sure. "It's about happiness."

"I am happy. I'm trying to live my life, and Lux is part of that. He helps me, he doesn't hold me back."

He dropped into my armchair, elbows on his knees. "With what?"

"With not wanting to run away from it all, with facing things I haven't been able to before, even with therapy. He makes me feel stronger." I didn't expect them to understand, but I needed to make it easier… "Henry, when you started at Princeton, did you have people trying to get your picture all day, every day? Or guys sleazing on you? Ben, do you have to deal with it day in, day out?"

Ben shrugged and Henry looked away; it was probably a bad example, because I knew for a fact girls tried to sneak into Henry's dorm and wait for him to get back, and that was before he had a protective detail to stop them. But he also dealt with l ife way better than I'd ever been able to, and one of those girls had become his girlfriend for a while.

As far as my brothers knew, my problems had started with the photos, and now it was over.

"I've never had the confidence you both have, and after everything that happened, it became harder for me to get through my days. But since I met Lux, I feel like I have the courage to do more, it's easier, and I'm so sick of hiding all the time."

Ben sat on the end of my bed, like he was really trying to get it. "The glitter thing was cool. I haven't seen mom and dad laugh like that in ages."

"Yeah," I giggled, "it was."

The three of us stared at each other, or they both stared at me, all three of us quietly chuckling at the image of Christopher Ellington looking like a disco ball.

Ben stood up and announced, "We'll meet Lux at Christmas, but he needs to come prepared to take the shit we will dish out. And we're currently undecided, but it's looking likely we'll be in full Phillies uniform."

I rolled my eyes; I couldn't expect anything less. "Okay, we can cope with that."

"We never thought you were made of glass, Radley," Henry added as he pushed out of the chair and held his hand for me to take. "Now, you wanna come and watch a movie? We've got time before the dinner."

"Where are mom and dad?"

"They got called away," replied Ben.

"Yeah, okay. As long as I can pick," I grinned, just as my cell rang. All three of us peered over the flashing screen laying on the floor. "I'll catch you up. "

"I'm still not supporting The Lions," Ben grumbled to Henry as they walked out. I didn't wait for them to close the door before I reached for it.

"Hey! There's no way you're there already."

Lux chuckled down the line. "Not exactly. You were right about the weather – I got rerouted."

"Oh no, that's a bummer. Where are you stuck?"

"Funny you should ask. I'm in D.C."

I bolted upright so quickly I nearly fell off the bed. "As in, here? Where I am? That D.C.?"

"The very same. I got a room at the Four Seasons. The storm is supposed to die down enough by tomorrow morning, so I'll fly out then. I asked for a suite facing the White House, so I can spend the night looking for you. If squint really hard, I bet I could find your bedroom."

I'd kind of stopped listening.

Glancing at my list, I could see a note in the middle I'd crossed out: Be Braver .

Lux was a mile away from me. I knew if I asked to go and see him there's no way my parents would say yes, especially as I was supposed to attend the charity dinner… but I wasn't the daughter of a C.I.A. operative for nothing.

One way or another I was getting out of this place tonight, and I was going to see Lux.

For once in their lives, my brothers could cover for me.