13. Radley

THIRTEE N

RADLEY

Millie: How's it going?

Radley: Hey, you're supposed to be having fun with your mom, not checking up on me.

Millie: I am having fun, but I'm also asking my best friend how her weekend is going… Been trick or treating yet?

Radley: Yeah, got my costume on right now… *eyeroll*

Radley: I'm okay though… I ran a new route this morning. Jake took me along the river.

Millie: *Proud* And when are you seeing Mr. Weston again?

Radley: Now. I'm waiting for him in that brunch place we passed the other day ??

I nearly dropped my cell as the screen buzzed with Millie's face.

"Hello?"

"Are you telling me you're sitting in a restaurant by yourself?"

I laughed quietly while also feeling incredibly proud of myself, because I was, in fact, sitting on my own. It was accidental, but I was still doing it.

"Yep."

"Radley, this is amazing," she gasped, and I could almost see her face, her big eyes open wide as she grinned at me

"I only just got here, Ethan and Jake are close by, and Lux will be here any second… he's running late, so I figured I'd take the table, you know…" I trailed off, unsure why I was trying to dilute the magnitude of my achievement; that I had successfully spent a day and a night alone in the dorm, and I was now in a restaurant by myself waiting for my new… friend? No, that wasn't right – Lux was more than a friend. After the way he'd been kissing me since the first time he kissed me… he was much more than a friend.

Two days ago, he'd taken me back to Asher's to view a first edition of The Canterbury Tales, only I'd spent most of it with my back pressed into a bookshelf while Lux's tongue reminded me why I'd done nothing but think about being kissed by him since we'd left the gym.

It took all my willpower to stop thinking about it.

"Radley," Millie's voice interrupted my thoughts, "I gotta go, but this is amazing. I love you and I'm proud of you. I knew you could do it."

My entire chest inflated until I had to check I wasn't floating.

For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was proud of myself. Even if I had worn my hair down, and buried my face in the menu every time someone walked past, I'd achieved something I'd thought was impossible for so long. I almost wanted to text Doctor Jessops to tell her, but that would probably be weird. I'd have to wait until our session next week.

"I love you right back. See you on Monday, and give your mom a hug for me."

Right as I pressed call end, my chair jerked forward from the force of the table behind taking their seats. I turned around, but the guy clearly hadn't noticed he'd nearly wedged me in half between the back of his chair and my table. I was so squashed he'd almost cut off my air supply. If Millie had been here, she'd have shoved him back.

Grrr.

There was no way he was going to move, and even less likely that I was going to turn around and ask him to move; being alone in a restaurant was a big enough step for me, so I freed myself by pushing my table forward another couple of inches until I could breathe again.

I looked back down at the menu, my stomach rumbling loudly right as my phone buzzed.

Lux: So sorry, Goldilocks. Traffic. Be there in five x

I pushed down the panic which threatened to appear, breathing through the waves before it hit the point of no return. Five minutes. I could do five more minutes.

As it retreated, I found myself focused on the warm, fuzzy feeling I'd been waking up with every day. The notion that things were going to be okay; that I could do this.

"Turning a corner," is what Doctor Jessops had called it in our session this week. I was "on the way the other side", she'd said, like I'd died or something. Though maybe I had, and new Radley was being born.

Radley 2.0.

Radley who was making new friends. Radley who trusted. Radley who may or may not have a boyfriend. Whoever she was, was a far cry from the girl who'd sworn to herself she would never get close to another human being.

I could see Radley 2.0 falling in love, and it would be so easy to fall in love with Lux.

"Can I get you a coffee, hun?"

I glanced at the waitress smiling down at me. "Oh, yes, thank you. Yes. My friend will be here soon, but I'll take a drip coffee while he's on his way. He won't be long," I added, unnecessarily. I was rambling enough as it was.

"Be right back, sweetie."

I watched her walk off, jerking forward as my chair got knocked again by the guy behind as he stood up, and who was still completely oblivious to the fact that someone was sitting behind him.

Him and his obnoxiously loud table of bros.

"Dick," I muttered, pushing my table forward another inch. At thi s rate, the table six down from me would soon be eating on the sidewalk.

Maybe I could move, or switch places with Jake and Ethan sitting with their breakfast nearer the bar counter. I could ask… but a low whistle brought my attention back to the jerks.

"No way."

"No fucking way."

"I swear! My cousin works for the Governor, and his best friend is Chris Ellington."

Do you know that feeling – like your entire world is balancing on a highwire? But one wrong move in either direction, it all comes crashing down and you splat on the ground. It happens when you're unprepared, when you let your guard down and you're confidently going about your day.

Turning a corner.

"I heard the C.I.A. busted into his house in the middle of the night and confiscated everything."

"Nah, that's bullshit."

"They subpoenaed the media outlets and brought an injunction."

"So photos still exist?"

"New ones."

"Oh man, I gotta see. She looked fucking hot, and I've seen her around campus. She's even hotter."

"Yeah, but my cousin said Ellington said she's an uptight priss."

"Who gives a shit? You can still jerk off to them."

"Can you get the new photos?"

"Yeah, lemme ask my cousin. "

"What are you talking about?"

"Radley Andrews."

I barely noticed the knock to my chair when the guy came back from the bathroom and sat down. I didn't hear any more. The buzzing in my ears blocked out any further conversation where a group of strangers were reliving the worst moment of my life over their coffee and eggs sunny-side up like they were discussing the latest movie release.

I was too busy trying not to puke.

I was too busy reminding myself I was in a public place and having a panic attack would only draw attention to who I was.

I was too busy trying to calm my heart rate, and remember how to breathe.

I was only succeeding on one of those things.

So far I hadn't been sick, but it was anyone's guess how long I'd be able to hold it. It was taking all my concentration not to focus on the empty churning in my belly. I wasn't sure if my belly was even in my body any more, or if it had plummeted to the floor.

I only needed to hang on until Lux got here. I only needed to keep my shit together for as long as it took him to walk through the doors and join me. Then it would be okay.

I would be okay.

Keep it together, Radley. Keep it together.

My eyes stayed trained on the door. Short sharp breaths burst from my chest while I rode the wave and tried to stop myself from drowning. I barely blinked through the two moms with strollers, the couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other, or the regal-looking lady with her fresh blow out and carrying a tiny dog in her Birkin .

Finally, Lux arrived. Tall, strong. My lighthouse in the storm I was currently navigating.

I would be okay.

He spotted me immediately and the broad smile he was wearing – the beautiful, carefree smile he always wore when he looked at me – died. Fast enough to be as quick as he could, but not enough that he would cause a scene, he powered over to me. He looked so impossibly handsome with his thick hair curling under the rim of his ball cap, and his pale blue cable-knit sweater bringing out the hazel of his eyes, that I'd run into his arms if I wasn't frozen in place.

I couldn't tell you when the tears had started, but I knew they were in full, silent flow when he dropped down to his knees, stiller than I'd ever seen him.

"Radley?" he whispered. "Radley, baby, look at me."

Somehow, I willed my head to turn, to defrost it from the state it was stuck in, and through the ringing in my ears, I heard the sharpness of Lux's inhale.

"I'm going to get us out of here, but I need you to let go of the chair arms." He softly placed his hand over mine, his long fingers curling around my fingers and gently easing the grip I hadn't realized I had, and pulled me to standing.

His hands were a vice once they took hold of mine, they squeezed tight and never let go. "Come on, I've got you. One foot in front of the other, and I'm going to put you in my car so I can take you back to my place, okay?"

I nodded, because anywhere was better than here. And as long as I was far, far away from the guys at the table behind, I didn't care where I went.

Lux kept hold of my hand, but somehow contorted himself so that he was also wrapped around me, while his free hand jogged the table where Ethan and Jake were sitting .

Both of them shot to standing as we approached.

"Didn't either of you dipshits notice she's on the verge of a panic attack? Thought you were supposed to be protection. Some fucking protection," Lux growled.

Ethan eyes widened while Jake reached out to touch me, but Lux pulled me out of his reach.

"Do what you gotta do but I'm taking her out of here and we're going back to my place. You can follow."

They didn't get a backward glance as Lux swept me out of the restaurant to where his car was still parked with the valet. This man, this giant man, who could likely crush a baseball with a bare fist if he wanted to, but was so incredibly gentle when he pulled the seatbelt over my body and kissed my cheek.

He slid into his seat and waited, one hand resting on my thigh. Only once the guys had pulled up beside us and he'd slipped into the traffic ahead of them, did the sobs I'd been swallowing with all my might rip through me like an exorcism.

Heaving, rasping sobs were wrenched from the pit of my belly. I could barely breathe from the relief at being away from that place. At being safe. Over and over they burst forth, one garbled cry after another, going through the motions until I realized Lux was speaking.

"Radley, find three things. Can you do that? What three things can you see?" The softness in his tone had vanished. Instead, the order was loud and clear.

It was his tone that brought me back to the present. It was enough to allow my heaving breaths to subside, and my cries to quiet so I could listen to his command. Three things. It was something Doctor Jessops had given me as an exercise when I had my very first panic attack .

I could do that.

"Steering wheel…" I hiccupped through the word, trying my hardest to breathe at the same time.

"Good. Two more."

"Coffee cup."

Lux's eyes flicked to the center console where an empty cup lay, while I tried to find one more thing. My eyes landed on him.

"You."

His hand squeezed mine. "Good girl, now three more. We're nearly home."

I'd totaled nine more things by the time his car stopped in front of a building and he jumped out. I turned around to see him speaking to Jake before he ran back to join me. The wall in front of us slid open, and we drove down into the parking lot, deep underneath the building.

"This is my place," Lux said, his eyes scanning my face, searching for any sign I might start crying again. "Your team will come in, check for safety, then we'll figure out what to do with them while you're here."

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean you'll stay here until you're ready to leave, whether that's later today or three days from now, but you'll be here with me, and they will be somewhere else."

I nodded. "Okay."

Before I had a chance to blink again, Lux had slammed his door and was holding mine open. Once more his fingers wrapped around mine.

"The elevator is this way," he called to Jake and Ethan, not bothering to wait for them to follow, and the tone in his voice made it clear exactly how he felt .

Jake's eyes fell on me as soon as we stepped inside. "Radley, are you okay?"

"Yes, I just…" I stopped, waiting for the ball of tears to steamroll back up my throat, but nothing came. "The guys at the table behind me… they were talking about…" I swallowed hard, breaking the vow Millie and I had that we would never speak his name, "Christopher Ellington. It was like they knew him. I heard them say…" I sucked in a breath before I could continue. "I heard them say there were more photos. They didn't know I was at the table next to them."

I dropped my head as a tear escaped, and watched it hit my sneaker with a splash. Ethan immediately reached for his phone, tapping away like he was writing The Constitution.

I don't know if Lux realized he was gripping my hand quite so tightly as he stared down at me; his face nothing but anger masked with empathy. He already knew what happened… kind of. I'd told him enough, and I'd tell him the rest. I just hoped it wouldn't cost me, that he'd understand I didn't know about the pictures being taken, that I would never have agreed.

I hoped I could trust him to believe me.

The doors pinged as we reached the floor, and Lux glanced over to Ethan and Jake.

"My roommates are here, the ones you've previously met. I can assure you they might behave like frat boys, but I promise they're not."

"We'll try to remember that," drawled Jake, just as a loud frat-boy style cheer sounded out.

Lux squeezed my hand tighter and whispered, "It'll be okay."

The four of us stepped into a foyer. Lux led us around a large column into a giant room with floor to ceiling windows, and a fire b urning in the center of another thick column. New York City and the Hudson stretched out below us. It was a breathtaking sight, and even Jake and Ethan paused their strides as they took it in.

Tanner Simpson and Parker King were sitting on a giant sectional stretching down the far side in front of the biggest flatscreen I'd ever seen. At the sound of the elevator opening, Tanner had leaped off the couch and sprinted across the main living area.

"Weston's back, he'll tell you that I'm Leader of the… oh, hello." He came skidding to a stop about three feet from Jake, his eyes wide, his mouth open, and he quickly took a large step back.

Lux turned to Jake and Ethan. "Hallway to the right leads to mine and Tanner's bedrooms. Hallway to the left leads to Ace and Parker's. Laundry room and guest bath is down the hallway past the elevator door. Kitchen and living room are right in front of you."

Jake's eyes flicked around the space. "Wait here, all of you."

Ethan and Jake separated, each taking half of the apartment. They would search each room, open every door, every closet, and check every corner. Parker had paused whatever had been on the screen, and was now staring wide-eyed at me, even wider than Tanner's eyes currently were, and his looked like they were about to pop from his sockets.

Parker opened his mouth to speak, but Ethan and Jake returned, and it closed again.

"Is there only one exit here?" asked Jake.

Lux answered with a nod.

"The only way you can get into this apartment is from the elevator?"

"And the fire door. "

Jake's expert eye scanned around the room, trying to find a flaw in Lux's answers. "How do people get in?"

"They have to be brought up by the concierge, unless they have the elevator code."

Jake and Ethan shared a look, both nodding slowly. "Okay, we'll wait in the underground parking," Jake said before turning to me. "You have your panic button and your phone?"

I patted my pocket. "Yep."

"We'll be downstairs. Ava is back at the restaurant finding out who those guys are, and if they do know of any photos, we'll get them. They won't make the light of day." He stared down at me; even though I knew he was pissed, his eyes showed nothing but kindness and concern.

"Thank you." I smiled for the first time since I'd stepped into the restaurant, God knows how long ago. "I promise, I'm okay now. I'll be fine here."

I waited until the elevator doors closed, and turned to Lux. Before I had a chance to blink, I was swept up in a giant hug until I wasn't sure whether it was more for him than me. The longer it went on, the sooner I realized my air supply was being cut off. Even the pathetic tapping of my hand on his back didn't seem to loosen his grip.

"Weston, I think you're crushing her," came my savior's voice from the right.

Lux immediately released me. "Sorry. Sorry. Fuck, Radley, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I am," I nodded truthfully, taking one last sniff.

His eyes scanned me; observing, contemplating, considering. After a second or five, he spoke. "Okay, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to run you a bath, which you'll stay in until you feel better. I'm going to make some lunch, then we're all going to eat. "

"Oh great, we're starved," cheered Tanner, and I couldn't help the little smile that slid along my lips, even though my brain was still fixing on one word.

"A bath?"

"Don't worry about him. Weston thinks baths are the answer to everything. I hate to say it, but he's right." Tanner slung an arm around my shoulders. "Welcome to Casa Greyskull."