Chapter 14

"No!"Goober snarled, coming at me with his razor-sharp claws raised high and his ugly mug contorted with fury. "Those are mine."

"Not anymore," I shot back as I grabbed the giblets off the altar and shoved them into my mouth.

The reality of Sturgill's nuts in my mouth was alarming, but I needed all four paws to fight the hogs. The mouth thing was a last-minute decision. I hadn't thought that part through. At least they were stone. It would have been a lot more difficult if they were squishy.

"Whatever youse do, don't swallow dem nuts," Jango said as he took a blast from Fucking Derrick and redirected it at the aggressive and out-of-control groundhogs.

"Don't matter if he swallows dem," Boba pointed out as he slashed his way out of a choke hold. "Fat Bastard can crap dem out. No biggie."

I rolled my eyes and took a searing hit from Fucking Derrick, pushing it onto a shocked and enraged cross-eyed Goober. "I'm not crappin' out Sturgill's giggle nuggets," I told them with my mouth full. "Not happenin'."

"Give me back the talisman," Goober bellowed, baring his teeth and brandishing his knife-like claws.

I wasn't sure who the dude was looking at. The angrier he got the more his eyeballs rolled around. At this point, one was looking left and one was looking right.

"Youse talkin' to me?" I grunted, taking another hit from Fucking Derrick and sending it straight at Goober.

"Yes, I'm talking to you," Goober hissed, gnashing his teeth. "You will die today, cat. And then the magic will follow. I will be avenged!"

"For what?" I demanded. "For wipin' your ass with the sacred papers? I mean, dat was pretty fuckin' stupid."

Goober laughed like a maniac. "I didn't wipe my ass with the journals, I stole them and sold them. The ass wiping was a brilliant cover. Getting run out of town and letting them think the journals were covered in poo and flushed down the toilet was better than being killed for betrayal. I got paid a lot of money for those papers."

"Youse are a douche," I growled. "Why would youse sell the f-in' history?"

Goober turned purple with rage. "Because I want to rule the Universe."

I squinted at the idiot. "Den why didn't youse keep it? Seems pretty dumbass to me."

"Yes, well, I figured that out after I sold them," he admitted, diving at me and getting a vicious swipe across my face that almost made me spit the nards out of my mouth. "So, now, everyone dies. And you will be first."

"Not today, asshat," I snarled, hoping I was telling the truth. The odds were bad. Goober and his gang were f-ing lethal.

"I'm not the only one who knows the secret of the dong pillow," Goober kept monologuing. "If you defeat me—which you won't—there are others who will come."

"Who? The idiot dat youse were stupid enough to sell dem secrets to?"

"Stop throwing that in my face," he roared. "It's embarrassing."

While the plan was working, the groundhogs were not going down. It was getting dicey. The gals had created an excellent diversion for us to snag the testicles, and now they stood beside us in battle. I was terrified of Poutine getting hurt, but my gal was a maniac—as deadly as I was.

Blood and fur were flying. Boba was getting buried alive, and I wasn't sure who was winning. We were still breathing, but it wasn't looking good.

"Six against six," Jango yelled as he went paw to paw with one of the hogs. "Everybody pick a hog!"

"Shrakullshiakum. Ashevebag dugainsakum ashiizz," Fucking Derrick screamed as he ran out from behind the rock completely on fire.

It was f-ing insane. Even the hogs were impressed.

"What did he say?" I asked, dodging blow after blow. They were all now gunning for me since I had the nards in my mouth.

"He said, bullshit. Seven against six," Poutine yelled as she took a flying leap and attacked the groundhogs that were sneaking up on me from behind.

"Fuckin' Derrick," I shouted. "Youse be careful, little man."

"Fucking Derrick guakun gulungrzag!" the troll grunted, running toward the smackdown like a well-aimed bullet shot straight from the bowels of hell.

His mouth was wide open and his sharp little teeth glowed. The troll's purple eyes were wild and his gauchos were flaming. It was like the best/worst B horror movie I'd ever seen. It was a truly gorgeous sight.

"Did he say what I think he said?" I called out as I tried to dig Boba out of the hole while protecting the treasure in my mouth.

"If you thought he said he was hungry, then yes," Poutine answered as she and the girls clawed the groundhogs like there was no tomorrow.

At this point, I wasn't sure any of us would see tomorrow.

"I hakovuth gorotu," Fucking Derrick cried out. "Ushhiakun guakun guoum glogzag guriendakun."

"Take cover," I commanded as I yanked Boba out of the hole by the scruff of his neck and got under a bush. "Fuckin' Derrick is gonna have a snack."

"No f-in' way," Jango choked out as he covered the gals with his girthy frame. "Dat's disgusting. Fuckin' Derrick is the man!"

What we saw, none of us would ever be able to speak about. It was the most horrifying display of a psychotic troll break that I'd ever witnessed. The groundhogs hadn't even seen it coming.

I mean, who would have seen that coming? The troll was tiny. The fact that he could actually ingest six large groundhog Shifters was beyond medical and scientific logic. But then again, magic defied logic and Fucking Derrick defied every law of nature on the books—magic or no.

"Holy Goddess," Poutine said with a wince as we watched Fucking Derrick do his thing.

I really wanted to look away, but to honor the foul cannibalistic sacrifice the troll was making I kept my eyes on the debacle. "What did he say before he, umm… youse know…"

Poutine gagged a bit then pulled herself together. "He said that he loves us and that this is for his friends."

Slapping my paw to my forehead, I sighed and tried not to puke. "Youse do realize weese are stuck with him forever now."

"Yep," Poutine said. "Forever."

"Fat Bastard," Fucking Derrick called out, covered from head to toe in groundhog blood and guts. "Shall I spare Goober or can I eat him?"

"I will kill all of you," Goober shouted, going for Fucking Derrick's neck with his toxic claws extended. "Everyone dies today!"

"Eat him," I instructed. "He's an asshole."

Fucking Derrick did as he was told.

The troll was certifiable, but that was already a given.

He was also the hero.

And that would never be forgotten. The new Assjackian history journals would honor Fucking Derrick's revolting sacrifice for the rest of time.