Chapter 30: Kelley

Chapter 30

Kelley

These road games have been brutal, and where I was having some shitty games before mixed in with some wins, it’s only gone downhill after Thad’s visit.

I can’t get a pitch over the plate if my life depended on it, and I’m starting to worry it does. Not that I think my teammates will kill me, but when your coaches send you to the team physiotherapist to “balance you out,” you have to worry. That’s when you know they think it’s more than a slump. They’re worried for your health and physical ability to get the job done. They think you’re injured.

And this is probably the worst thing about it all: I’m convinced if I hadn’t come out, if I didn’t have all this extra pressure on me, this slump of mine wouldn’t be seen as anything more.

I’m just about convinced that the reason the average career for a queer man after coming out is two years is because they crumble under the notion that they have to be perfect now. They need to prove themselves more than anyone else. They need to win a pennant to show their worth, while everyone else only needs to do their job.

It’s exhausting. I’m worried I’m already approaching burnout, and it’s still the beginning of the season.

I need to not let it get to me the way it is, but as usual, telling myself to be logical and actually being able to do it are two separate things.

One good thing about this road trip coming to an end is I have a day off tomorrow, and it’s Saturday night, so I was hoping to get in my car and head to New York once we arrive back in Philly.

I haven’t mentioned it to Thad because I wasn’t sure how I’d feel after ten road games, but I’m wired. I’m exhausted and feel insecure about my season, but I know if I go home, all I’m going to do is dwell on how badly I’m doing.

The thought of driving to New York, seeing Thad, maybe getting us a hotel room for the night … it’s giving me that safe feeling I used to get from baseball.

I type out a message, purposefully making it sound like a booty call because it kinda is, but I also know he’ll get a kick out of it.

It’s three simple letters:

WYD

I bite my thumb as I wait for him to answer, but I don’t have to wait long.

Thad:

Someone’s home from their road trip, I’m guessing?

Me:

Yup. And I have a day off tomorrow.

Thad:

I saw that on your schedule. Got any plans?

Me:

Are you checking my schedule?

Thad:

I do work for your agent. Maybe it was part of my job.

Me:

Was it ?

I can’t help smiling. Especially when he replies with:

Nope.

Me:

I was thinking I could drive to New York tonight.

Thad:

Yes. Do it. When will you get here

Me:

Plane should be landing in thirty, and then it’s just a matter of getting my car.

Thad:

Perfect. Hopefully by then, my roommates’ party will have died down, and I can sneak you in without them seeing.

Me:

Party?

Thad:

There’s a birthday thing. I’d offer to come to you, but I’m a wee bit tipsy.

Me:

Tipsy or drunk?

Thad:

Not drunk. But had too much to drive anywhere. You should come take advantage of me.

Me:

Sounds fun, but I don’t want to drag you away from your friends. I was thinking of getting a hotel room for us, but you’re at a party. You should celebrate with your friends.

As disappointing as it is, it’s not fair for me to take him away from his real life for a night of sex. Amazing, hot, freeing sex. I’ve just about given up on the idea when another text comes through.

Thad:

Please come. I want to see you. And the party really should be winding down in a couple of hours.

I bite my lip. I really want to see him too, but I don’t want to impose.

Me:

I’ll come pick you up. Send me your address.

He replies with the address and an eggplant emoji. Tonight is going to be fun.

Tonight fucking sucks.

It’s pissing down rain, there was an accident on the interstate, it takes four fucking hours to get into the city, and now that I’m here, Thad isn’t answering his phone.

He’s probably asleep, though last time I checked in with him to say I was stuck in traffic, he gave me a passive-aggressive thumbs-up emoji. He’s younger than me. He should know how rude that is. Only old people do the thumbs-up as an affirmative. I almost want to reply with middle fingers, especially now that I’m outside his place, but I refrain.

I try one more time before I let myself give up, but this time, it goes right to voicemail.

Okay, so his phone either died, or he’s made me drive all this way, changed his mind, and now I’m out on the street. I should go to the hotel. Any hotel. But I was really excited to see Thad, and I’m already here. I found a parking spot, and sure, it’s actually nowhere near his place, but it’s a spot. In New York. That’s a miracle in itself. I have an umbrella in my car somewhere. I could go see if he’s awake or still interested in coming to a hotel with me. I’ll be up there and back super quickly.

Maybe I wasted a trip, or maybe he lost his phone and has no idea that I was still coming .

Ugh. I’m getting into overthinking mood again, and I need to put a stop to that.

So I search in the back seat, find my umbrella, get out of my car, and then make my approach to the building. Before I can chicken out, I hit the buzzer for the apartment number he gave me.

The door clicks open, so someone is obviously still awake up there, and I let myself in. I have no idea which floor apartment 19 is on, but I get in the elevator anyway, and luckily, the numbers are next to the floors, so I hit level 3, and then I’m on my way.

I knock, but then I remember Thad and I need to sneak around. Kind of difficult to hide from four roommates.

That’s if the guy who answers the door is even a roommate. Maybe he’s a random guest of their party. Which seems to still be in full swing.

Though, why a random guest would be shirtless is beyond me. With a baseball cap on sideways and bloodshot eyes, he has a look of bewilderment on his face. “You’re Kelley Afton.”

A loud crash comes from inside the apartment, and when I try to stick my head around him to see the commotion, Thad stumbles, literally, out of nowhere and falls at my feet. He’s also shirtless. I get the feeling I’m intruding on something I have no right to be upset about but irrationally am anyway because it took for-fucking-ever to get here, and it looks like he forgot I was even going to show up.

“You’re here.” His eyes are glassy, and I’m guessing that his little bit tipsy status changed to blackout drunk a while ago.

“Dude,” the other guy says. “You got Kelley Afton to come to your birthday? I thought you said he was a dick?”

Thad gets to his feet and shoves his friend, but it’s not the dick part I get stuck on. I know he used to think that about me. It’s the birthday part.

“It’s your birthday?” I ask Thad. I really am a dick. “You should’ve told me. I would’ve let you have your party, and?—”

Thad’s on me a second later. His arm goes around my back while he cups my face with his other hand. “I wanted you here. I do want you here. ”

I want to give in to his touch, sink into his arms and start this over, but his friend is still staring at us.

I step back, out of his hold.

“Ooh,” the friend says. “He’s not a dick. You want his dick. Got it.”

“Fuck off, Joshy.” Thad’s arm goes back around my waist and tries to tug me inside. “You should come meet my other roommates.”

“Is that okay?” I ask softly. “They’re not going to tell anyone I was here, right?”

“Nah, Josh is queer too, so he understands sometimes needing to be on the DL. The other two are straight, but they’ve never once done anything assholish when it comes to this stuff.”

Josh. Other two. The math ain’t mathing.

“Don’t you have four roommates?”

“Who am I forgetting? Joshy”—he starts counting on his fingers—“Onri, Gus …”

Josh raises his hand like he’s in elementary school. “Sean.”

“Yes! Seany.” He pouts before yelling, “I’m so sorry, Seany. I’m the worst roommate ever.”

“What the fuck did you do?” someone yells back, but the voice is muted as if yelling through a door.

“Question,” Josh says. “Why are you two on the DL? You’re both hot, and you’d be doubly hot together. Can I watch? Oh shit, that was out loud, wasn’t it? Eh, fuck it. Can I?”

My anxiety spikes thinking about it. I’m self-conscious enough when it comes to sex. Having someone watch as I—I shudder. No, thank you.

“No,” Thad snaps at Josh. “But you can fuck off.”

Josh shrugs. “There’s no harm in asking.”

“Except for making it awkward.” Thad shoves him.

Josh puts up his hand and backs away.

“Okay, let’s go to that hotel.” Thad tries to take my hand, but I step out of his hold again.

“Maybe this was a mistake. You should party with your friends. I don’t want to drag you away from that. ”

“There’s only my roommates left. Oh, and some chick and her boyfriend, who disappeared into Onri’s bedroom with him, but I think they’re doing something kinky. They said they were going to smoke weed, but that was, like, an hour ago. So really, it’s just Josh, me, Sean, and Gus. Ooh, you should meet Gus. He will love you.”

“You want me … to meet your friends?”

His face falls. “Is that, like, too relationshippy for what we are?”

I smile. “I’m good with it if you are, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m too drunk to be uncomfortable. The guys fed me shots.”

“Uh-huh. I’m sure they force-fed them to you as well.”

“Sure. Let’s go with that and not that I was excited to see you so I might have kept drinking to pass the time, and then I lost count, and then one of my roommates stole my phone because I was checking it too often to see where you were at.” Thad sways, and I have to admit he’s kinda cute when he’s drunk.

I wrap my arm around his waist this time. “Come on. Introduce me to your friends.”

“Yes. You’ll love them all. We all played baseball, so they all know who you are, but unlike you, we all only had mediocre talent, so we never got anywhere. Unlike you, who’s super talented. And hot. You’re really hot.”

I snort. “Thanks.”

Josh jumps out of nowhere. “I play in a high-A league, so some of us made it, fuck Thad very much.”

“High-A? Aren’t you a little old for that?” I ask.

Thad lets out a laugh. “Ooh, burn.”

“I might be the oldest one on my team, but I still have potential. I could make it to Double-A. Maybe. Then Triple-A. Then this fuck here will be begging to rep me, and I’ll be all ‘Nah, bro. Thanks though.’”

Thad pats Josh’s shoulder. “Sure that’ll all happen, buddy.”

Inside the apartment, the place is as messy as Josh and Thad. There are two guys on the couch playing video games, but there are empty cups, chips, and other party snacks all over the floor, a birthday cake that looks like people have grabbed chunks of it with their bare hands, andthere are sex noises coming from somewhere.

While I might have been regretful before that I couldn’t get here sooner, I’m glad I get to be here for this. It’s giving me a glimpse into Thad’s life outside of King Sports, outside of baseball, and outside of us.

It might be chaotic, but I think I like it. Chaos and I don’t get along usually, but I think there’s solace in knowing everyone else isn’t perfect.

Perfection is overrated.