Chapter 34

34

Faust

I watch my son drift off to sleep.

Color returns to his face.

I don't think he's sick, which is good. I never knew a kid could have so much sugar and junk food he could throw up.

I remove my hand from Oakley's boney shoulder and I stand up from his small bed.

He doesn't move an inch.

I sneak out of his bedroom and quickly close the door.

When I turn around, Shelby is standing there.

This is our thing. Each time someone puts the kiddo to bed, the other is waiting outside the door. Are we supposed to…

I walk up to Shelby and slide my right hand around to the middle of her back.

"He's sleeping," I whisper. "I think it's definitely just… partying too hard."

"Me too. Dani gets carried away sometimes. Can't blame her for it."

"Of course not," I whisper. "It's her chance to be a mom in a sense and she wants to do it all."

"Exactly," Shelby says. She touches my chest. "Are you going to leave now?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

Shelby shakes her head. "I don't… ever…" She bites her bottom lip.

I lean down and kiss her forehead.

She wants me to stay. Not just right now. She wants me to stay… forever.

"I just need to know it's okay," she confesses.

She lowers her head, knowing I'm not the kind of guy that's going to touch her chin, lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear. To me, that's not how a relationship should work. Ever. It's not my job to tell her it's going to be okay, just like it's not her job to do the same for me. But what I can do is be present. I can be honest, no matter what.

"I can tell you what's okay, sweetie," I say.

Shelby looks at me, her eyes so pretty and full of hope.

"Our son is okay," I say. "He hung out with his obviously crazy auntie and ended up eating enough sugar that he threw up. I think that's a story and memory he'll have for a long time. Another thing that's okay is the night and day we've had so far. I've dreamed for a long time being able to hold you all night. Share a bed with you. Meet you in the morning."

She nods. "I guess that night…" She shakes her head. "What happened that night, Faust? You left. I thought you were just done with me."

"No, sweetie," I say. "I didn't leave. You did."

Now we're staring at each other.

All that good feeling of hope and this is okay starts to slide away with ease.

Shelby backs away from me.

As though I'm going to let her slip away…

"He is out cold," Shelby says, looking at the monitor screen.

"Isn't this going to mess up his sleep schedule?" I ask.

"Depending on how he feels, yes. Dani hates to say no to him. So I'm sure he was up past midnight last night on top of everything else."

"No offense, but how helpful is that?"

Shelby looks shocked. "What?"

"I'm just saying, if you have someone who will take the kid overnight, it's not really helpful to have him show up the next day tired and sick."

"Dani is a good person."

"I'm not saying she isn't. I'm just saying that if she wanted to hang out with the kid and help, maybe tone down on the partying."

"Oh."

"That pisses you off, huh?"

"That's my best friend. She's…"

I watch Shelby's jaw tighten.

"What, sweetie? Say it."

"She's been there all along."

I nod. I feel like Shelby has rammed a knife into my heart.

"I know," Shelby whispers. "I know… you could have… or should have… and I…"

I close in on her. "Let's just do it then. Finish what we started. Tell me why you kept my son from me."

She sucks in a breath. She looks scared.

Then she looks angry at me.

She pushes at my chest. "You left that night. You showed up, fucked me, and then left. No conversation. Nothing. Never reached out again. Just… fucking vanished…"

"That's your game to play, not mine," I say.

"Oh, okay. You want to blame me for everything."

"Blame? I'm not blaming. What I know is that my son is six years old and I just recently met him. All those years gone. I'll never have them back. I never got to change a diaper. Give him a bottle. I never experienced any of it."

"So hate me forever then, Faust," Shelby growls. "Do it. Go for it. Break up my entire life."

"Why did you leave that note on my door?" I ask. "Why now? What happened? There's more to it."

Shelby looks away. "So you're telling me this thing between us is all about missed opportunities. What happened that night, Faust? Huh? What did you see or feel…"

"I showed up to your place to check on you," I say.

Shelby scoffs.

"And…" I add. "And to have you. I had a voice in my head telling me to stay away but how could I? Whether we like it or not, Shelby, we lost someone we cared about. I cared about Amy but I was in love with you. It's that simple. You can't control who you love or how that love appears. Sorry if this isn't one of your love stories."

"Fuck you," Shelby growls. "You don't know a thing about what I write."

"You never tell me anything. You're so fucking hidden, Shelby. I'm the one who always showed up. I showed up for weeks after we agreed to meet. You never told me your mother died. I never knew Amy was your best friend. And even that night…" I curl my lip. "I had you. We had each other. We created a life together that night."

"I know," she says.

"And I know that when we fell asleep, I woke up to find you gone. I was in your bed alone. I took the hint and I left."

Shelby closes her eyes. "I was in the bathroom. Crying. I was making sense of how I felt. I wanted to feel guilty but I didn't."

"You were there?"

She opens her eyes and looks up at me. "I was there, Faust. Right there. Then I came out of the bathroom and you were gone. Clothes. Everything. You bolted. At least that's how it looked. What was I supposed to do? I moved on and just lived my life. Found out I was pregnant. Panicked. Had to keep living life."

"Never once thought to yourself to find me."

"I can't go back. I was scared. Terrified. So much happened between us, Faust. It doesn't make what I did right. I made decisions for you based on what I thought you would do. That's the truth. It was a busy time. I kept track of you a little bit. You were playing real hockey by them. Professional hockey. You were in Canada. Then you went overseas. Then you signed your big deal here."

"Is that supposed to impress me, Shelby?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "No, Faust. Not at all. My life is chaotic and messy all the time. That doesn't make anything I do or not do right. It's just reality for me. I decided to write a book and I ended up getting an agent and then I got some money. Whoa. A dream. Right? Then I suddenly can't write. The money starts to dwindle. Somehow Oakley is now six, going to school, and I'm in that cramped apartment with the guy downstairs who makes all that noise."

"Right. So we're just skipping years and years ahead. Me playing hockey is the big issue. The big excuse. You didn't want to bother me. You wrote yourself a way out of this entire thing. Then you decide one day to just show up. What did you think I was going to do?"

Shelby just stares at me. "I'm not going to do this forever, Faust. Live like this. Act like this. Tell me what you want from us. Are we supposed to argue over the past, have hot sex, then not talk for a day or two? That's fine by me."

"I want to know what happened," I say. "Something changed. Something clicked in your head. Something-"

"I thought I had cancer," she blurts out.

Her eyes fill with tears.

I touch her face, cupping it. "What?"

"That's the truth, Faust," she whispers. "I felt something. In my breast. I was checking and just… okay? I went to the doctor and one scan turned into another. Then another. You know, it got a little scary for a minute. You know me. In my mind, I had myself diagnosed and… gone…"

"So that's why you reached out to me," I say. "I'm your glorified backup plan."

"No."

"Yes. You wouldn't have-"

"It's been on my mind, Faust. Watching Oakley get older. Knowing he should have you in his life. Knowing it's not right or fair. I hate myself so much, Faust. For letting all this happen the way it did. So you can hate me all you want to. I'm there for it. At the end of the day, nothing matters more than Oakley."

"What did all the scans and tests show?" I ask.

"I don't have cancer," she says. "But they want to check up on me in six months. I guess I'm at risk or something."

I grit my teeth.

I've never loved someone as much as I love Shelby. Yet I've never been so angry at someone either.

I know deep within her eyes, her heart, and her soul she never intended anything mean. That's not her style. She lived in a world of guilt over what happened. Knowing that she and I were meant to be together, even though I was with her best friend. We both knew that something was going to happen between us.

Now it feels like I have a lot of thinking and decision making to do.

"Mommy," a voice croaks.

I look back. Shelby looks.

Oakley stands in the hallway, holding his stomach, looking extremely sick and pale.

"Oh, fuck," Shelby whispers.

It looks like my son is about to throw up once more.